Hotel barman came to hotel room door

[Goditsmemargaret]

I'm a bit shaken up.

I'm on a city break with my DD 6. It's a European city, just the two of us. It's been a few days of activities, then we arrive back to the hotel and eat there in the quiet hotel bar.

There is a very friendly barman. He can't do enough for us. We've been chatting for around an hour in the evening. My DD chats but is mainly unwinding with her colouring. I've had one glass of wine every evening and then gone to bed early. He's been a bit flirty, nothing outrageous but I'm slightly wary given I'm a woman travelling alone with my daughter.

There was a group of loud men hanging around, some but not all had their wives with them. They didn't speak English but it was obvious one was making unpleasant remarks at me and they all laughed.

Tonight as usual we went up to bed before 8pm. She then proceeded to get sick all over the bathroom. I put her back to bed and cleaned it up using all the towels. I then phoned reception to apologise for leaving the towels outside the door on the corridor and asked for clean ones. They were having trouble hearing me so I emailed too (relevant as I emailed the info email).

Reception then appeared with fresh towels. I explained about the dirfy towels and we agreed I should take them back inside and leave them on the balcony. All was dealt with.

I heard some of the loud bar people come up and was cussing silently that they were on my floor.

Then another knock on the door and nothing else. I walked over and said hello. It was the barman. I asked him what he wanted. He asked could he help. I said no, she's asleep, goodnight. He then said if we need anything to come down. I said goodnight.

I don't know if I'm overreacting but I'm shaking now. I can't see any reason why he wouldn't just phone the room. I don't like the fact he came and knocked without saying who he was. I could have opened the door and then being manipulated into a conversation on an empty corridor.

Am I being paranoid? It felt very off.

OP - don’t feel bad. Forget it now. As pp wisely said, you never know, but unfortunately that is just part of being a woman. As MOST of us well know!!

What l don't understand is if you are anxious opening the door in your nightie, don't you have a dressing gown/bath robe to put on before you open the door to a stranger. It seems a little early to be in a nightie.

Caution, sure, but your ‘caution’ didn’t stop you opening the door. There’s no point at all to doing something then lying awake hyperventilating about it afterwards — it’s no protection to you or your child.

What are you talking about? I did not open the door to the barman. I asked the receptionist to come up and opened it to him.

Have you never seen Ryanair’s baggage allowances?!

No, I was on a city break with a 10kg luggage allowance. I didn't have a robe or dressing gown with me. I had gone upstairs and got undressed to get into bed with my daughter. She then got up and got sick.

You said you ‘went over and said hello’ and that it was the barman. Are you saying you said this through your locked hotel room door? And then lay awake half the night shaking because of a complete non-event, involving a member of staff presumably told by a colleague that your daughter had been sick everywhere?

Maybe he felt sorry for you having to spend a full night with a load of vomit-covered towels (which I think was slightly poor show from the hotel, even if they were on your balcony?)

You are a complete weirdo. I've said multiple times I spoke to him through the door.

Lot of victim blaming for someone who really just needed a handhold. Weird.

Yep. It’s weird how women having perfectly rational thoughts about the statistically quite likely potential for this man to be predatory seems to really really upset a lot of posters…. Truth hurts eh?

Take absolutely no notice of the posters who are trying to convince you you’re overreacting.

Maybe he was acting out of genuine concern. But your gut is what alerts you to danger and it’s shouting at you. Thank god you didn’t open the door. Does it have any sort of physical lock from the inside?

What the actual hell. Why does it matter what she had on and at what time!!!!!

Well this was all last night and there were no other interruptions. I found the thread very reassuring so I was able to sleep.

I kept the chair wedged under the door handle - I'd been doing that in hotel rooms since reading a thread here about how common it is for guests to be accidentally sent to the wrong room and (on the advice of this thread) I shoved a towel under the door.

I'm going to purchase one of those alarm wedges too.

Don’t talk yourself out of what your body is telling you.

So he did tell you who he was…?

You do know he wasn’t there to bring you towels. Because he didn’t have any towels.

I really recommend reading Gavin De Becker’s the Gift of Fear. It is so clever how we subconsciously know when we’re in danger but attempt to override our instincts to be polite.

So what exactly is the issue? You were never at risk. A member of staff who’d been talking in a friendly way to you and your daughter for much of the evening thought the ‘official’ response of reception was a bit inadequate, if it involved you taking back in a load of vomit-streamed towels from the corridor, and checked on you from the outside of a locked door. He didn’t say or do anything threatening or suggestive, he didn’t suggest entering the room, but suggested you come down if you needed help.

I’ve just been in Spain by myself with my son — I’ve had night-time turndowns by male staff when I was in the room, when I had no idea they were coming. On one occasion because I’d turned to DND to ‘Please clean’ and they thought I was out.

This is extreme naivety.

That’s good.

Have also seen the Gift of Fear has already been recommended.

Absolutely. Great book. Although if one is already suffering from anxiety, is it quite full on… just FYI.

Slow clap. You’re fucking amazing. So much braver than us other silly girls.

What exactly is ‘brave’ about not spending the night shaking over something that was never a threat? As far as I can gather, the OP has transferred her understandable unease about the drunk, leery men in the bar who were saying things about her and who were staying on her floor to a man who did nothing to merit such an overreaction.

People like you with your scorn and mocking can do so much damage. You don't know what his intentions were. I don't know so how could you? All we know is that I exercised caution and kept the door locked. Why would I risk the safety of my daughter and I just to not seem rude?

I'll be teaching her to never worry about being rude if she feels there's a potential for danger.

I remember reading an interview with an adult who had been abducted as a child when she was giving directions and been asked to get into the car. She had escaped in later life. She was reflecting on it all and she was really angry - angry with the adults in her life who always told her to be good and helpful. She had sensed potential danger but didn't want to be rude.

You are probably right that he was only coming to help. But probably is not good enough.

What overreaction? I kept the door locked, said we were ok and goodnight.

Personally I don't know why you allowed unexpected staff members into your room at nighttime when it was just you and your son.

I'm going to read it. I know this thread might suggest otherwise but I don't generally suffer anxiety.