Hotel barman came to hotel room door

[Goditsmemargaret]

I'm a bit shaken up.

I'm on a city break with my DD 6. It's a European city, just the two of us. It's been a few days of activities, then we arrive back to the hotel and eat there in the quiet hotel bar.

There is a very friendly barman. He can't do enough for us. We've been chatting for around an hour in the evening. My DD chats but is mainly unwinding with her colouring. I've had one glass of wine every evening and then gone to bed early. He's been a bit flirty, nothing outrageous but I'm slightly wary given I'm a woman travelling alone with my daughter.

There was a group of loud men hanging around, some but not all had their wives with them. They didn't speak English but it was obvious one was making unpleasant remarks at me and they all laughed.

Tonight as usual we went up to bed before 8pm. She then proceeded to get sick all over the bathroom. I put her back to bed and cleaned it up using all the towels. I then phoned reception to apologise for leaving the towels outside the door on the corridor and asked for clean ones. They were having trouble hearing me so I emailed too (relevant as I emailed the info email).

Reception then appeared with fresh towels. I explained about the dirfy towels and we agreed I should take them back inside and leave them on the balcony. All was dealt with.

I heard some of the loud bar people come up and was cussing silently that they were on my floor.

Then another knock on the door and nothing else. I walked over and said hello. It was the barman. I asked him what he wanted. He asked could he help. I said no, she's asleep, goodnight. He then said if we need anything to come down. I said goodnight.

I don't know if I'm overreacting but I'm shaking now. I can't see any reason why he wouldn't just phone the room. I don't like the fact he came and knocked without saying who he was. I could have opened the door and then being manipulated into a conversation on an empty corridor.

Am I being paranoid? It felt very off.

I doubt he wanted a shag with a vomity child in the room but men have been known to do all sorts!

men don’t think sometimes how their actions cause us stress, a man ran past me yesterday passing by so close i could feel his breath , totally freaked me out as it was so unnecessary as the path was 2 metres wide !! , I kept thinking why ? How did he not realise that would freak me out and unsettle my walk for the next hour I was in higher alert than I needed to be watching out for him in case he came back

on balance I think he was being kind so try and relax

How do you know they were making unpleasant remarks about you if you couldn't understand them?

And they would do this in front of a 6 year old child? Doesnt add up. Sorry op but considering you thought the barman was out to get you also, I think you're paranoid.

My thoughts too. Do you think that yesterday’s news is angering the woMEN?

Nope, a female who has travelled extensively. I generally find that European men are lovely. Sometimes friendlier than the Brits. British are cynical and can't figure out why someone might just be pleasant and kind. It's a bit sad.

Night.

They were very drunk and clearly sleazy. I've enough experience of sleazy men to recognise it. Apart from the three wives of their friends, there were no other women around. They did actually speak English too but instead opted to shout up at me in Danish. One had approached me earlier.

I'm not sure what point you're trying to make. I hate men or I think all men want to shag me? Neither is true.

You are clearly a man if you think it’s impossible to tell when men are sleazing in another language. It’s not what they say but how they say it.

I have also travelled extensively. I've had lots of nice random encounters with men; most platonic, some romantic. I've also been raped twenty five years ago.

Your attitude is weird AF.

What a load of crap. Europe doesn’t have sleazy men, sure!

All European men are lovely and all British men are cynical?

Jesus wept.

Goodnight, you really need some sleep.

Better to be safe than sorry so your right to be cautious but I do think this I'd a case of genuine concern being shown.
The behaviour of the group.towards you I the bar probably didn't go unnoticed by him, if he has been speaking to you every evening and he give night time staff are quite skeletal he would've heard about the sick kid and maybe thought he's pop up to ask if your OK genuinely. But you were right not to open the door to him.

but 'reception' could have been a man as well, a completely strange man even, that you didn't know at all?

I really think that it's hard for most men to put themselves in a woman's POV and see themselves as potential dangers. In his own mind, he knew that he wasn't intending anything to you, saw you as a friend and just wanted to see if he could help, so it probably didn't even occur to him that you might potentially see him in a different way.

Imagine, for example, that you were out with your dd and you saw another child on their own nearly run into traffic, so shout 'watch out' and then run over to see if they are okay - but the child is terrified of you because they've been told not to talk to strangers. You know you are only approaching out of good intentions but the child doesn't - to them you are a scary stranger who is much bigger than them and has just shouted at them. It's hard for adults to put themselves into children's shoes and see the world they do because it's been so long since we were children - and men have never been women so, with the best will and most empathy in the world they'll never really get it.

He probably doesn't think any differently of knocking on your door as he would on the door of a male guest.

YANBU

In customer service terms this is clearly incorrect IMO.

if you called the bar and ordered a drink and he asked if he should bring it up and you agreed -then ok.

But it is possible as you chatted to him for some time that he misread your warmth for something else. Not justifying that - just it sounds probable.

I can imagine that it was uncomfortable for you.

my experience of service industries is that no company except the highest luxury levels, wants to pay what it costs to retain really good people managers; consequently staff sometimes behave in bizarre and feral ways.
people are too expensive and good managers train staff well.
but what business can afford good managers in the service sector? 🤷‍♀️

I don't know why she/he/they are getting so offended by this.

It's like I implied I'm so beautiful the sight of me had every man in the place in such a frenzy of sexual excitement they were all trying to break into my room.

I literally had a confusing experience (barman knocking) after a very unconfusing (drunk horrible men letching) that I wanted to get an opinion on.

Thanks all for reassuring me.

I can’t believe people are being so mean on this post. This woman is travelling alone with a child. She’d be stupid not to be on her guard. Then three things have happened which are not ordinary. 1. Some men have made leery comments 2. Her child is vomiting ( this alone is enough to send me into a flap) 3. A relative stranger is knocking on her door.
She’s bound to feel anxious. Anxiety is actually a very natural protective response to perceived danger. Some level of anxiety is perfectly healthy and normal.

So you are in a hotel, there are some men there that have been unpleasant to you already and are staying on your floor, that you are unhappy about. On top of this your DD is sick.

The barman is someone you have spoken with every night, he has heard your daughter is sick and probably realises that the other men are on your floor that you might not like.

He asked if you needed anything and told you to come down and let him know if you did. He did not ask to enter your room or for you to go anywhere with him.

I would sleep soundly tonight and in the back of my mind be grateful that he was trying to do the right thing. If your DD had been really sick, or if the other men on the floor were being a problem, you might have been really grateful for someone showing interest who speaks the local language and knows who to call in an emergency.

No you are absolutely right, I fully agree.

Ironically, the receptionist was a man but I was expecting / listening out for him. I stepped outside the door and explained about the towels.

Then it was noisy, then quiet, the the next knock gave me a fright.

You are not overreacting. Ignore these idiots that say you are.

Sorry this was to @SuperTrooper14 about @BoundaryGirl3939

He sounds like a nice guy. Don’t worry.

Trust your gut!

Women know, they always know

I think as none of us were there, we will never be able to offer a completely fair independent view of was it OK or not.

However, it seems that you were in a time of heightened anxiety, travelling alone with a young sick child, and having had an unpleasant experience with some other guests.

It is not unreasonable of you to have felt nervous or anxious of someone at the door checking you were OK.

But it might not be unreasonable for the barman who might have seen you seem in distress to have felt that it would be a kind thing to do to check in on you, especially if you had had several fairly long conversations.

It might be an instance of not right or wrong but just something that wasn't right for you at that point in time (but could be potentially reassuring for someone else in a similar siutation)

You called on the phone and they couldn't hear you and the barman then knocked on the door to check you were OK. Might not have been the same person or team that got the email and your call so I would not be alarmed by the second visit. Is it just good customer service? Leaving sicky towels in the corridor does sounds a bit disgusting though.

Yes I know, I had them wrapped in a clean towel after rinsing them. So really I was asking them if they could take them away but they weren't able to so instead I took them into the balcony.