Husband on the war path again. Wants me to pay but I have no money

[ByZanyLion]

A close friends daughter was visiting my house for a play date with my daughter. The two girls are in the same class and a very good friends.

During the play date the girl scribbled on the wall and a few other places with a permanent marker. I only found out about this after she had gone home. The girls are both 9 and this has never happened before. DH has lost his ; he wants to confront the mother. I told him that I’ll deal with it but he isn’t happy. He doesn’t want her in our house again, nor her mother.

She scribbled on two things of his, which is what he is mostly angry about. I told him, I’ll replace the items, because my friend won’t have the money, as she is going through a fair tough situation herself, and I don’t want to add to her burden. DH isn’t sympathetic to her plight. He has basically said that either she needs to pay or I need to pay using my own money, and not our family money. However, I don’t work and don’t have another source of income.

I am slightly taken aback by his insistence I need to use my own money. FYI Its only £60 to replace the items.

It's not his daughter is it though, it's her daughter, his step daughter...

He has a point. You have said you won’t ask your friend but will replace them yourself instead but you are planning on replacing them with his money. So effectively he is out of pocket due to your friend.

If he isn’t supporting your children then surely you must have money of your own to support them with.

"He has basically said that either she needs to pay or I need to pay using my own money, and not our family money. However, I don't work and don't have another source of income"

So you have no personal money at all? And as far as he's concerned, there's HIS money, and FAMILY money, but you aren't allowed any of the family money at all for yourself?

Jesus.

Well we don’t know if she does that

This. I'd be absolutely livid if a 9 year old scribbled on anything in my house. Obnoxious little sod

Then who is? Because you clearly aren't supporting any despite 3 of them being yours. You need to get a job and start paying for your own kids,maybe then you will have a bit more respect for your property and belongings. It's a bit shit that you are putting the burden of fixing the damage caused onto your husband because you don't want to have a conversation with your friend. She needs to know how badly behaved her 9 year old is and she needs to pay for the damage caused (and go 50/50 with you if your daughter was also involved). I think your husband has just reached the limit of his patience watching you put your friendship with this woman above everything else.

A lot of things don’t make sense, you said you have no job but you have 3 children?! So does their own father completely pay for all their expenses?! Or are your other children already adults?! So best case your DH is supporting your daughter and his 3 kids?! Worst case he is supporting 6 kids! Why did you offer to pay for your friend if you have no money?! Makes no sense at all!

In case you missed it… they don’t have kids together and she doesn’t appear to work. So he’s subsidising everything - unless I have misinterpreted.

Is it you that has offered to pay as you know your friend is broke?

The short responses from OP shows to me she’s not getting the reaction she thought she would..

Bizarre isn’t it?

I know - it’s like getting blood out of a stone, getting proper info from this OP.

Which kids is he supporting? Pretty simple question.

If your kids are supported by their bio Dad, not him, can’t you take the £60 out of that money then?

That’s what it says in the OP

But it’s not for herself, it’s to spend on replacing his things that he wants the friend to pay for.

He's right. And what a horrid child. I'd be asking the mother for payment and cutting ties.

"However, I don't work and don't have another source of income"

"He isn’t supporting 6 children."

Who is supporting your children? Do you get no child support for 3 kids?

Why aren't you working

There sounds like there's wider issues in your relationship but to this particular issue. I'm with your DH. 9 years old shouldn't be drawing on walls etc and her mum should replace anything damaged. If you choose to replace it shouldn't come out of family money, he's effectively paying to replace his items which doesn't seem fair.

Hmm two issues - firstly, I can see why he’s annoyed if you’ve offered to pay but it’s actually your family money that he’s earned, that’s really him replacing his stuff? but his reaction also highlights that you need access to your own money! (Also a 9 year old shouldn’t be drawing on walls)

I don't blame him. She doesnt sound very likeable from her behaviour. She sounds like trouble and you definately need to speak to her mother. So she can pay up and discipline her child.

Why did you allow another playdate if she bullys your child? She will get away with worse if it isnt dealt with now. Her mother needs to know. So she can parent/help her child into making better choices and being kinder.

You have 3 children of your own, not your husband’s, yet you don’t have a job or any income of your own? So he is financially supporting you, your 3 kids, and his 3 kids… £60 isn’t spare change. I think he’s absolutely fair enough to expect you to find the money if you’re not prepared to ask the mother for it.

Well now I dislike her too.

I'm so confused! So his step daughter is friends with your daughter as they go to school together? His step daughter (not your daughter) scribbled on the walls? And he has a total of 6 step children?
And that step child's mum is having a hard time?
Like a parking thread, I need a family tree

It’s not anything more complicated than “because man”

I wouldn't want a 9 year old who drew on things in my home either. Especially not one with form for being mean to my DC.

Are your DD and the other girl actually friends? Or does the 9 year old really just get dragged to your place because you and her mother are friends?

I'm guessing that your DH's perspective is that you are prioritising a friend whose poor parenting has harmed your family. The details may mean that's not really entirely fair. But the broad strokes certainly give that impression.

You could ask your friend to show willing on the damages her DD caused. See if she has any suggestions. I'm not saying you should demand the money, but a show of contrition, an apology from her DD, an attempt to make it up to your DH wouldn't be out of place when a child of 9 has done something like that.

Also you could also show your DH that you aren't going to prioritise your friend or give her DD the chance to cause more harm to your family by not inviting her round or letting the DD spend time with your DD.

But also your DH sounds like he may well be financially abusive. If the you not working thing isn't something he's agreed to and he's prepared to share care of his own children fairly then you may have some responsibility for the situation. Nevertheless, him insisting there are expenses you are liable for but for which the money you have access to is not suitable - that sounds abusive. It puts you in an impossible situation for a start. Financial abuse is a trickier problem to deal with but more essential. Generally, the answer to is to leave and build a career for yourself. Which is not easy and I would suggest you start a thread in Relationships rather than AIBU to get support and consider how to best to do so.