Husband on the war path again. Wants me to pay but I have no money

[ByZanyLion]

A close friends daughter was visiting my house for a play date with my daughter. The two girls are in the same class and a very good friends.

During the play date the girl scribbled on the wall and a few other places with a permanent marker. I only found out about this after she had gone home. The girls are both 9 and this has never happened before. DH has lost his ; he wants to confront the mother. I told him that I’ll deal with it but he isn’t happy. He doesn’t want her in our house again, nor her mother.

She scribbled on two things of his, which is what he is mostly angry about. I told him, I’ll replace the items, because my friend won’t have the money, as she is going through a fair tough situation herself, and I don’t want to add to her burden. DH isn’t sympathetic to her plight. He has basically said that either she needs to pay or I need to pay using my own money, and not our family money. However, I don’t work and don’t have another source of income.

I am slightly taken aback by his insistence I need to use my own money. FYI Its only £60 to replace the items.

I didnt need to follow my kids around either during a playdate. I was in earshot or sight, but not going room to room with them, Certainly not at 9. At 9 they were riding bikes around the neighborhood and checking in periodically.

He has three children.
OP has three children.

OP's friends' DD scribbled on the walls and destroyed £60 of his stuff while OP was supervising a playdate.

OP doesn't work and has no access to money but thinks her DH should pay to replace his own stuff.

There's no step-mum involved. The mum having a hard time is OP's mate whose daughter scribbled on everything.

"But it does also highlight the issue of letting yourself be financially dependant on someone else"

This jumped out at me as well. Putting aside if he is being ridiculous or not, being so dependent on a man that you can't even afford £60 is not a good place to be.

use hairspray that will remove marker pen

He is definitely within his rights to be annoyed, especially since this girl doesn’t sound particularly nice.

You do need to mention it to your friend but he also needs to calm his boots on the demanding money. If she (your friend) is going through a hard time might they explain the child’s behaviour? Acting out?

Otherwise and even because of this you do need to make sure it can’t happen again. I don’t think demanding compensation is the way to go though, he is taking his deserved annoyance out on you and that’s not fair.

@faerietales ohhhh when op said: Its his step daughter and my daughter. I thought she meant 2 separate people.

booze works as well - vodka

Which is absolutely her choice.
She doesn't have to reveal anything if she doesn't want to, no matter how pushy posters are.

She didn't ask for a critique of her life in general.

WTAF! I’d be absolutely fuming if a 9 year old scribbled on my property. Fuming. It’s not the £60 in my eyes, it’s the principle that she’s clearly rude and out of control. She wouldn’t be welcome in my home either. Sorry, I’m team husband on this one.

You need to tell the mum either way, she needs to have the chance to discipline her child.

Ive been a SAHM and no way would I do it again, you need independence OP.

A nine year old should not be scribbling on walls. Her parents need to deal with it and take responsibility for the results. If the mum can't afford to pay the £60, you might ask her to pay it back say £10 a month. Part of the problem is that you're not acknowledging that the child's and the mother's behaviour are both out of order, which is probably making DH even angrier.

So why did she post? Unless she just wanted validation, of course.

Nope, same person! It is confusing though as OP is only giving 1-2 word answers so there's loads of drip feeds.

He is basically saying I shouldn’t be using family money to pay for my friend.

Well, he's right isn't he.

So he is financially supporting you and at least one child who isn't his? Christ, get a bloody job already!

I agree. She's 9, not 3. Way too old to be scribbling on walls and items. I'd be furious. I'd also not be happy to fund the repairs either.

Try white vinegar on the clothes, hand gel on the radiator, and just repaint the wall. I would talk with the mum and have both girls work off the cost by gardening. I would guess it's more his immediate anger unless he's usually financially controlling, I would be shocked about no plan to tell mum too - you need to focus more on how the girls will be taught better behaviour. If he is financially controlling all the time then that's different, start a thread in Relationships for help.

The only caveat to both girls working it off is time together, are you quite sure he doesn't have a point about this kid? I was shocked when DS's 3yo cousin drew on their walls, as I thought that was on the old side to know it's inappropriate, DS did it just once at 18 months old! A 9yo drawing on an adult's clothes is so unreasonable that it's baffling honestly, how did your DD say it happened?

YOU NEED A MAGIC ERASER SPONGE!!

It’s a miracle!!!!!

I bought my first packet this week and removed permanent marker from my wooden kitchen table that’s been there FOR YEARS!!!

www.amazon.co.uk/Eraser-Sponge-Durable-Scrubber-Cleaning/dp/B07X23H9HR/ref=asc_df_B07X23H9HR?mcid=b593d8993e833ab481b8143590ab1867&hvocijid=15312767580029029026-B07X23H9HR-&hvexpln=74&tag=googshopuk-21&linkCode=df0&hvadid=696285193871&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=15312767580029029026&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9180599&hvtargid=pla-2281435179058&psc=1&gad_source=1

You’re being very unreasonable and unfair OP. You don’t work, you expect your DH to support you, and you allow a nasty bully to damage his stuff, and then you expect him to pay for it. It’s easy to be casual about damage and costs when you’re not the one grafting to pay for it.

And a 9 year old should definitely know better. It sounds like deliberate damage, presumably as an extension of her bullying.

This

Haven’t read the full thread but have read all OP’s updates.

This is the unacceptable behaviour from a 9yo (assuming no backstory). I would be absolutely livid if this happened to my home and property.

It was across several places in the house, walls, radiators, clothes. He is on the war path because last time she was here, she told my daughter that she wasn’t her friend and my daughter burst into tears. I’ve put this down to kids being kids but he thinks she is a nasty bully, showing her true colours. He basically dislikes her.

I'm with him on her being a bully. That amount of scribbling isn't an accident or even mild naughtiness, it was deliberate. I don't know how you're going to resolve the money issue but she wouldn't be coming round ever again if I were you, however much your DD thinks of her as a friend.

To be fair, you shouldn’t need to supervise 9 year olds for drawing in the wall! It’s what toddlers do!

Oh please just because she’s a woman?

Pardon?
No one here should be demanding personal information. It's a post, she didn't enter into a contract that lays her life bare to whoever on mumsnet wants to pick at it.
Do one.

These things happen, don't be so self-righteous.