Husband on the war path again. Wants me to pay but I have no money

[ByZanyLion]

A close friends daughter was visiting my house for a play date with my daughter. The two girls are in the same class and a very good friends.

During the play date the girl scribbled on the wall and a few other places with a permanent marker. I only found out about this after she had gone home. The girls are both 9 and this has never happened before. DH has lost his ; he wants to confront the mother. I told him that I’ll deal with it but he isn’t happy. He doesn’t want her in our house again, nor her mother.

She scribbled on two things of his, which is what he is mostly angry about. I told him, I’ll replace the items, because my friend won’t have the money, as she is going through a fair tough situation herself, and I don’t want to add to her burden. DH isn’t sympathetic to her plight. He has basically said that either she needs to pay or I need to pay using my own money, and not our family money. However, I don’t work and don’t have another source of income.

I am slightly taken aback by his insistence I need to use my own money. FYI Its only £60 to replace the items.

This is one of those threads when I change my mind by degrees as more is revealed.

Firstly - WD40 will get almost anything off anything - it’s a miracle worker.

The last time this kid came around she made your daughter cry, so closer supervision surely would have been a good idea. Also how did she manage to scribble over so much stuff?

If your partner is financially supporting six children (is he?) I can’t blame him for being angry even if you think £60 is nothing, I bet it is significant to him. You need to talk to this girl’s mum, at the very least she needs to know she has a little vandal on her hands, even if she can’t/won’t cough up for the damage.

This is such an odd thread.

You know that the OP does not work and has three kids of her own (nothing to do with him) which are supported by him? The kid who had the graphitist over to play is not his kid. And now he is expected to cover the cost of a visiting graphitist damaging his property? I would be telling him to run a mile from this situation.

Why can't you simply inform the mother what has happened and tell her your husband has gone batshit crazy about his belongings being ruined and is asking for financial compensation.

I think you are both U at opposite extremes. I think you are too indulgent about 'kids being kids', A toddler might get permanent marker all over someone else's property, and cause £60 worth of damage. A 9-year-old should know better. I certainly wouldn't be too keen on having her over at your house again. However, I do think that your husband is being too authoritarian and financially controlling.

I always get sharpie off with surgical spirit aka rubbing alcohol

This. Poor bloke works and supports the op to not work. His stuff has been damaged and his wife thinks it should be his responsibility to replace.

op why don’t you work? You have avoided answering this

and there’s always a number of posters on mumsnet for whom the man is always the one in the wrong, no matter what. I think this is one of those.

This.

His attitude and way of going about it is unpleasant, but doesn’t mean he doesn’t have a point - you’re happy for your family income to take a hit when it was another child that caused the damage. That’s not fair on him who is working to earn that money in the first place.

I'd certainly go to war if I came home from work to find a child (who has history of being a bully) had destroyed £60 of my stuff and my partner thought I should just suck it up and pay for a replacement.

It sounds like he's having the absolute piss taken out of him, whether he's "chosen" that life or not.

There’s quite a lot to untangle here.

My impression is that you struggle with confrontation. To avoid it you are tying yourself up in knots. Why are you so reluctant to call out the other child’s behaviour with her mum when you’re no better off than she is? Even if you had the money to replace the items because you feel sorry for her, the previous bullying and now vandalism absolutely should be raised. Doesn’t have to be a row.

i might be completely wrong as you can’t possibly know someone from an anonymous online thread but I picture you as someone very passive. Combine that with being a SAHM and the danger is you put yourself in a situation where others are directing your life for you and getting frustrated when you don’t do what they think you should (be that your H or your friend). You lose agency over your life. That’s not a good place to be in for your long term wellbeing or independence.

Then we have the money and blended family issue, which adds additional layers of stress.

How long have you and DH been together? What’s his relationship with DD like?

Whose idea was it for you to be a SAHM? Were you working before DH?

Has DH taken issue with any of your other friends?

Hiw are decisions made about spending?

9 year olds should know better. The mother needs to be made aware. Whether she feels bad enough offer you money to replace the damaged items is another story...

Why don’t you work?

This 9 year old knew what she was doing. This is deliberate - poss to get your daughter in trouble but your daughter was complicit - she should have come and told you. I am on team DH with upset about things being deliberately vandalised. You must call the mother and explain. You don’t know if she’s got a few quid under a mattress. She should make some effort to repair and pay. £60 is quite a lot of money so I don’t think that is a valid argument. The mother needs to know that her daughter has been naughty. Be prepared for this girl to say that it was your daughter that did it. Deffo think your husband has a point about visiting child not being allowed back into the house. Meet your friend at the park or elsewhere. I would have gone bonkers if some little friend had done this to my possessions.

Well exactly, so her "offering to pay" isn't worth a bean.It might be different if the finances are set up so that each of them has some fun money and the OP by paying has taken the hit of reducing her fun money.

OP, your husband isn't being unreasonable, in my opinion. You decided your friend has less money than you, and said "I’ll replace the items, because my friend won’t have the money". But in fact, you don't have the money either.

He is not being unreasonable to expect the parents of the child who did the damage to pay for the ruined items. Why should he pay for it, just because you want to protect your friend from the expense? He doesn't feel sorry for her, he feels annoyed with her, and justifiably so. She should have taught her child not to write on radiators, and also supervised her at your house, if she was present.

The little graffiti artist's mum should pay for the damage and you need to find an alternative to having these people in your house. Meet your friend elsewhere if necessary. Also, find a job. Life is always better if you have some money of your own, even if it's not very much.

If money is an issue, why aren't you working?

"Only £60". £60 is a good chunk of a weekly shop!

Time to get your own source of income imo.

He's being unnecessarily harsh and nasty.
However I'd be pissed off if I was him.

I would be annoyed too at 9 yo scribbling on things. We've had bedding ruined in a sleepover and not keen on inviting my girl's friends anymore. They were in P7 when this happened. However your husband should not be taking it in you. If he is the breadwinner presumably you have looked after your daughter so he can work? Tell him to take the £60 off the years of free childcare you have provided (he would have had to paid for half of any amount you have saved in nursery and/or after school club fees).

1. Wait for husband to calm down, he should stop being so angry in a day or two. Encourage him to join in Easter activities with DC to distract him.
2. Make sure it was friend not your own DC responsible. Ask own DC why on earth she allowed friend to do this without telling adult, she must know it was wrong.
3. Tell friend's mother what has happened, and see how she responds.
4. Suggest use of child benefit to contribute to cost, and suggest mother deducts pocket money for a few weeks to help pay.
5. Deduct from your DCs pocket money to help pay, your DC is not blameless in this.
6. Get rid of permanent markers or find secure storage place well out of reach.
7. No more playdates at your house as your own DC cannot be trusted to play sensibly with friends.

That would work better if they were his kids

The DD isn't his. She hasn't saved him anything.

It’s not his daughter.

Yeah, can't really argue with this, sorry.

I'm sure you know it'd be good for you to get some financial independence though.

I don’t think I would like her either after all of that.

I think you should contact the parent and tell her she needs to pay for the damage, even if it’s just in instalments of £5 a month if she doesn’t have much money. The child and her mother need to learn that this behaviour is unacceptable in your home.

I don’t understand why you aren’t angry yourself about all of this, I wouldn’t want my child treated the way that you are letting this other child treat yours. The message you are teaching your children is that it’s ok to damage the home as long as their friends are present, and you are also teaching your child that they need to just accept bullying behaviour.