Husband on the war path again. Wants me to pay but I have no money

[ByZanyLion]

A close friends daughter was visiting my house for a play date with my daughter. The two girls are in the same class and a very good friends.

During the play date the girl scribbled on the wall and a few other places with a permanent marker. I only found out about this after she had gone home. The girls are both 9 and this has never happened before. DH has lost his ; he wants to confront the mother. I told him that I’ll deal with it but he isn’t happy. He doesn’t want her in our house again, nor her mother.

She scribbled on two things of his, which is what he is mostly angry about. I told him, I’ll replace the items, because my friend won’t have the money, as she is going through a fair tough situation herself, and I don’t want to add to her burden. DH isn’t sympathetic to her plight. He has basically said that either she needs to pay or I need to pay using my own money, and not our family money. However, I don’t work and don’t have another source of income.

I am slightly taken aback by his insistence I need to use my own money. FYI Its only £60 to replace the items.

Husband's response sounds OTT to me but I tend not to get emotionally attached to possessions, I save that for my lovely female friends. If the items had sentimental value I could understand some anger, but if it is just financial one can express disappointment without rage. One of the things intelligence should be used for in the human species is to override emotion with logic when that emotion is driving us towards bad decisions/actions.

I do think the mother of the offending daughter should be told about this and asked to pay for new items. That is a fundamental principle to me, if you (or your child in this case) damage someone else's property you at least offer to pay for repair or replacement. Much of the legal system follows this principle of externalised costs => compensation.

This is easily fixed. You take payment for half what the cost of childcare and anything else you do as a SAHM and then you will have money of your own going forward!

I’d be pissed off too. They are 9, not 4. It is the responsibility of the other mother imo, who should deal with how that happens with her daughter, her way - not really your problem about her finances. He does sound unpleasant though re money - you need to get a job and some financial independence.

Start getting your own money fast! You can probably make around a thousand pounds over a year by using a cash-back site for online purchases (including groceries), signing up with the market research companies to do surveys, changing your bank account, selling clothes on Vinted etc. Having your own money really matters!

I'm sure the husband is fine with the wife not working so long as she takes good care of the kids. But does that sound like someone who leaves two none year olds unsupervised for hours on end while they "hang out" in a different room? Husband has every right to be angry because OP didn't hold up her end of the deal and it cost him. Dearly? Who knows, but it was totally avoidable. How would you feel if you were working to support the family while the other half is letting kids destroy your stuff? Sounds like a terrible deal to me.

Fair enough

That will be an option, if she were providing childcare to his children.

We don't know that he was on board with her being a SAHM (to children that aren't his), or that she does any other tasks around the home.

For god sake, they are a family! Yes at 9 they should have known better but these things happen sometimes. You don’t financially abuse your partner because it’s happened. He’s a bully and she’d be an idiot to put up with it!

You need access to money. I think that issue is separate to the damaged property.

if your 3 children are not his then do you not get maintenance you can use?

I think he has a point of this child has been unkind to your dd before too. Time to stop the play dates it seems. Did he demand you pay after you said you won’t be stopping play dates or asking the girls mum to pay? I can see where he’s coming from then. If he just demanded because that’s his nature and he’s financially abusive it just highlights your need to get your own access to money

I'd be angry if a friends child did this ,so id speak to the mum and see how she reacts,apologises to your partner/hubby.
He shouldn't be on the warpath to you though you didnt do it or making you feel uncomfortable regarding money.
Don't accept that from him .

It’s not financial abuse.
OP has refused to ask the friend to pay for the damage. Instead wants to pay for it from the family pot.
She should at least ask her friend first.

They aren’t his children.

Wondering if you know what financial abuse means

The husband seems to be the only person with a job, the only earner

Where on earth are you getting financial abuse from in this scenario

Depending on what it's on a magic eraser sponge works on permanent marker.
When my DC was 4/5 they wrote on a bedroom door.

@JTBairn
You need to start your own thread ....

You've accidentally posted on someone's thread -MN can move this to The Tack Room or you can repost there where you will have more luck.

Wrong thread I think 😂😂

Ditto, I thought you were going to say 3 year old , in which case more supervision needed included by you…

but 9 years old? Does this girl not go to school? Does she draw on any random wall in school, halls, shops , cafes or anywhere else she is taken. A child of school age of 5 would know not to draw on walls

so either

1. child is special needs…in which case you both should have supervised more closley
2. child is feral- you’re fault in making friends with someone who won’t parent her child and expect to get things stolen next
3. the child decided to push boundaries to either land your daughter in it, or becuase she wanted to upset you…child has problems with you and/or daughter…don’t have her round agian, she’ll do something else next time to get at you / daughter

either way I’d be asking money why. Why did your daughter draw on my walls.? Why does she not know not to do that? Does she draw on everyone’s walls including school…etc depending on whether mum reacts with horror and says she’ll punish daughter (make daughter pay for some of it with pocket money for instance) , or is embarrassed and fesses that daughter has “issue” ..then I’d be severing that relationship. Her mum should be embarrassed and offer to pay. If she doesn’t then it tells you daughter is just mirroring mum, and god, I’d not want to be friends with someone who doesn’t care if they damage someone else’s property

you don’t have to be aggressive…just ask…your dh is right…this can’t go unchallenged, if it does you have no boundaries with this child and it will get worse..the child will know she can do anything and you won’t object.

What's he wanting to do punch her lights out. Funnily enough he doesn't seem as keen on confronting the father (assuming he's around)

this whole thread has been about the various people involved not taking responsibility / refusing to take responsibility for their actions.
There's so much that doesn't come into the light in this thread.
Partial information does not help when trying to assess a situation.
Seems, amongst other things, like there's an issue about adequate parenting going on and the blame/responsibility is being passed around from person to person.
Losing patience with adults not being grown-up.

Let me see if I understand this. Your DH has already told you he doesn’t care for this girl because she was treating your DD poorly. You had them visit again because you are friends with the mom. You and the mom didn’t supervise the girls, even though there was previous problems with her behavior. This time she purposely damaged your home and your DH’s belongings. If this is correct, I can see why DH was upset and wouldn’t be surprised if he told you they weren’t welcome in your and his home anymore.

As far as the money issues, if you aren’t bringing in any income and this is causing problems, then you need to get a job. You need to tell your friend the damage her daughter caused and ask her to pay to fix it. Set up a payment plan if she needs it. If you aren’t willing to do this, then you need to pay. This shouldn’t come out of family money that your DH solely earns.

When I was a SAHM, I had my own money. My DH and I set our budget up in a way that after expenses and savings, we each got the same amount for personal spending. The decision for me to be a SAHM was a mutual decision. I did majority of the childcare, housework, cooking and life administration, while he worked outside our home. Everything was agreed on between the two of us. If I hadn’t had access to my own money, I would have gotten a job and DH would have had to do half of what I was doing as a SAHM.

OP, it doesn’t seem like your DH is in agreement with you not having a job. You don’t have mutual children. You don’t have a set up where you have your own money. The sensible thing to do would be to get a job. This also insures that you can leave and support yourself and your children should things not work out with your DH.

If you were supervising them a bit more,then you would of noticed.also if you are able to work,you would appreciate that things cost money,and realise the value instead of ill pay from the family money.

"Husband's response sounds OTT to me but I tend not to get emotionally attached to possessions, I save that for my lovely female friends"

Perhaps the husband is having an emotional reaction because he has married this woman, is financially supporting her and facilitating her being a sahm despite having no children with her.

After all this she is prioritising her friends feelings over his.

I'd be fuming if a child in junior school scribbled permanent marker all over my things too! She's not four! I think your friend needs to know so at least she can offer to pay for the damage and her child can say sorry. It's important for the child to know that actions have consequences and that this isn't acceptable at all.

On the more practical front... As a teacher... Really cheap hand sanitizer, the liquid sort with alcohol and peroxide usually removes permanent marker from most surfaces including fabrics but it may bleach. Spray, leave and wipe on any hard surfaces and it should lift off. The trick of using board marker over it also usually works. The nail polish remover needs to be the cheap sort with acetone in to work properly.

Vanish powder made into a paste and left on the damp stain for six hours at a time, followed by sunlight also sometimes works but it can take a few sessions. (I had the child getting Sharpie on school shirts!)