Husband on the war path again. Wants me to pay but I have no money

[ByZanyLion]

A close friends daughter was visiting my house for a play date with my daughter. The two girls are in the same class and a very good friends.

During the play date the girl scribbled on the wall and a few other places with a permanent marker. I only found out about this after she had gone home. The girls are both 9 and this has never happened before. DH has lost his ; he wants to confront the mother. I told him that I’ll deal with it but he isn’t happy. He doesn’t want her in our house again, nor her mother.

She scribbled on two things of his, which is what he is mostly angry about. I told him, I’ll replace the items, because my friend won’t have the money, as she is going through a fair tough situation herself, and I don’t want to add to her burden. DH isn’t sympathetic to her plight. He has basically said that either she needs to pay or I need to pay using my own money, and not our family money. However, I don’t work and don’t have another source of income.

I am slightly taken aback by his insistence I need to use my own money. FYI Its only £60 to replace the items.

Except the husband does not appear to be happy about the situation given money is a contentious issue in their marriage.

On the war path has always meant annoyed and moaning about something, not angry/aggressive/abusive.
Of course he is annoyed, things have been ruined and rather than ask the parent of the child responsible OP thinks it's ok to replace it with family money.
And the fact that she has no money of her own doesn't necessarily mean she is financially abused. Plenty of couples have a joint bank account and both have cards and access to it rather than keeping separate accounts. She hasn't said she doesn't have access to money she has said she doesn't have any that is specifically hers.

On the war path has always meant annoyed and moaning about something, not angry/aggressive/abusive I think you’ve misunderstood this expression.

‘on the warpath (also upon the warpath): embarking on war against an enemy; (usually figurative) angry and ready or eager for confrontation. Usually in to go on the warpath, to be on the warpath’ (www.oed.com/dictionary/warpath_n?tl=true)

You should tell the mum what her daughter has done, and give her the chance to put it right. Personally I would be annoyed if a friend of mine decided unilaterally that I couldn't afford to pay for something, giving me the opportunity to do the right thing. It's not just about the money, its also about her daughters behaviour as well - if she doesn't know what has happened, how can she talk to her/teach her not to do it again? You are taking away her power and responsibility to parent her child.

@WilfredsPies

I am well aware of the dictionary definition. However it is a fairly common expression (certainly in my area) used in exactly the way I have suggested.

On the war path has always meant annoyed and moaning about something, not angry/aggressive/abusive

If you’d said that you were only talking about the meaning in your particular area, I would have thought ‘oh, that’s an interesting little bit of etymology’ and
scrolled on past your post. But you were attributing a meaning to it that simply isn’t accurate. If everyone took it to mean just being a bit cheesed off, then nobody would have questioned the OP’s use of it.

Maybe you should back him up 9 year olds know better but her mother allows her behave that way if my 9 year old behaved that way at someone else's house I would apologise and make sure she does too maybe your husband is stressed paying for all the kids whilst you sit on arse saying your husband on war path

This is intresting it's a form of coercive control. You cannot take on the core point so you focus on semantics. This type of abuse is done with a calm smile and the air of kindness. But it is clear to me what you are doing. The OP is passively abusive, the destruction of her partners property and then the implication he pay for it, is just subtle abuse. If I was the ops partner I'd be getting ready to seprate. The op can find a way to support herself her children and keep her friend OUTSIDE of my home.

What?

Exactly you cannot engage with the core points so you basically say nothing.

Here we go again 🤦‍♀️

Ok, which core points do you think I failed to engage with?

I'm with your husband here. Another child has come into your home and disrespected it but you seem fearful of asking for any accountability. Just out of interest, how would you expect the 9 year old to learn that this behaviour is wrong? If the mother can't afford it then there are other ways of stepping up to make amends. If this was my child behaving like this in someone's home I would be mortified and would want a friend to tell me. No wonder your husband is angry, it feels like you are sacrificing his feelings to enable this behaviour. Are you a people pleaser? I wouldn't have her back either. You are not respecting his boundaries and he is well within his rights to enact a consequence.

It's still blended finance. If one parent takes time off and stays home with the kids when they are young, yet has full access and equal authority over all money that comes into the house through a joint account, that's blended finance.

I'd be furious, and certainly wouldn't be having them in my house again! And I'd be speaking to the parent and I would expect a contribution to the item's. They are 9 and should be expected to play sensibly, it's not accidental nail polish on the carpet, it's deliberate vandalism.

Replacing the item's costs money, as does repainting. And I can understand him not wanting to replace his items with his money.

The friend should pay - Even if it's half, or a little. I see too many instances of children with poor behaviour, getting away with murder because "Aww but I do feel sorry for the parent." You have your own concerns to worry about, like your financially abusive husband.

Once she's made to pay it will make her think twice about not disciplining her daughter to behave outside of their home. Now she will realise her daughters behaviour is financially costing her. You'll be doing your friend a favour, even if she ditches you.

Your husband is a red flag. Raise your standards.

Your daughter was there as well, she should have intervened to stop the vandalism (I assume the other child didn’t bring the pens with her and do it in secret). She bears equal responsibility.

But… your husband is being a dick. How can you pay without a job, does he want you to go on the game?

The correct thing to do is speak to the other kids mother both dock their pocket money and / or withhold treats / presents until the damage is paid for. That’s the life lesson.

This. I had a ‘friend’ when I was about 8/9 who would scratch things and write on things and say it was me! Her parents were always annoyed and of course believed her not me! My first lesson in betrayal and trust!

We didn’t stay friends needless to say!

And yes definitely get yourself a job. Regardless of who scribbled what and where, your husband’s reaction is horrible and controlling. Sort your money situation out while you can…

Did you see the child do it? Are you sure your daughter didn’t do it too, to show off a bit?

Child benefit or child maintenance if she gets any for her 3 kids? Or she could get a job?

She seems to think £60 is no big deal and small potatoes. So surely she has £60 of her own?

I get being upset but come on.......we were all 9 and daft once.......I cut my own hair when I was 13 and looked like an arse! It was a good idea at the time.......of course I can cut a straight line!!!
Stickers and pictures are a great way of hiding things.
Your husband sounds very uptight. Thyre only 9! Was he perfect at 9......i doubt it.
He needs to relax or he'll have a heart attack......as do many people on here.
Talk to the kids, explain it's wrong. Let the mum know so she can offer a solution.
You definitely do need your own money babe.

And where does he think you’re getting this 60 quid from? Unless you have a side hustle he isn’t aware of.

you mention “again” does he have a habit of becoming angry over uncontrollable situations?

Possible, but not enough information to tell. Maybe he was p/I'd because the two nondescript "items" were important to him? Remember, men care most about "things" and women care most about people so that can cause a lot of unexpected turmoil in situations like these.

I'd be getting a job stat. Especially since you don't have shared children! Don't be reliant on this man.

Last time (hence the again) was when the same child was mean to OP’s DD and made her cry. Is he still a monster?

Thanks! I didn't know this feature ❤️