Husband on the war path again. Wants me to pay but I have no money

[ByZanyLion]

A close friends daughter was visiting my house for a play date with my daughter. The two girls are in the same class and a very good friends.

During the play date the girl scribbled on the wall and a few other places with a permanent marker. I only found out about this after she had gone home. The girls are both 9 and this has never happened before. DH has lost his ; he wants to confront the mother. I told him that I’ll deal with it but he isn’t happy. He doesn’t want her in our house again, nor her mother.

She scribbled on two things of his, which is what he is mostly angry about. I told him, I’ll replace the items, because my friend won’t have the money, as she is going through a fair tough situation herself, and I don’t want to add to her burden. DH isn’t sympathetic to her plight. He has basically said that either she needs to pay or I need to pay using my own money, and not our family money. However, I don’t work and don’t have another source of income.

I am slightly taken aback by his insistence I need to use my own money. FYI Its only £60 to replace the items.

Parents should be responsible for their children but nowadays when you tell parent your child did this they have a go at you my grandson 11 is a really lovely boy when he started secondary school three girls aged 14 bullied him school did nothing so son went to their homes parents wouldn't listen and threatened my son they took no responsibility for kids behaviour bet they drew on walls

So "its money, it can be made" only rings true when its the husband who has to make the money...you are not expecting the friend to come up with a way of making money? Or the op?

And if the friendship ends up ruined over the money, then was it such a strong friendship in the first place? Had my child ruined something belonging to a friend, I would want to know and I would also want to take steps to put it right. I wouldnt end the friendship with my poor friends who's belongings (or husbands belongings) had been ruined

It's the 'on the warpath again' title that sticks out a mile.

AGAIN.

He's a bully who over reacts and imposes control over you.

Or she is very dramatic and expects to always be right. You can read whatever you want into these things.

the truth is his things were ruined. He wanted to parent of the child who did it to pay. OP said no and that “she” would pay. But he knew that meant he was paying and he was understandably pissed off.

He is on the war path because last time she was here, she told my daughter that she wasn’t her friend and my daughter burst into tears. I’ve put this down to kids being kids but he thinks she is a nasty bully, showing her true colours. He basically dislikes her.

I think "on the warpath" is being used for dramatic effect to get posters on her side. "Justifiably annoyed" / justifiably upset" might be more accurate

The last time he was on the warpath(hence the again) is because this kid was mean to OP’s DD and made her cry! This time she damaged belongings and household items.

He isn’t supporting 6 children.

Who is, then?

You are very vague in explaining your home set up.

How old is your youngest child?
If your husband isn't supporting your 3 children and you don't work, who is? Is he not paying for his three?
Does your husband want you to work-?

Why don't you work?
I can see exactly why he's pissed off, he's the only one working supporting you and your dd (his dsd) and 2 more of your kids, you're inviting a bratty 9 year old round who wrecks his home an̈d clothing with permanent marker and not only will you not speak to the mother about it you expect him to pay for the replacement/repair costs (as he's the 1 providing the family money) and when he says no you pay for it from your own money or bill the brats parents you think he's being unreasonable.
There's a solution to this get a job and pay your own way then you might just understand why he's so pissed off with you
Oh BTW if he isn't paying for all 6 kids who's paying for your 3 as you don't work

Agreeing here again. I pick my husband but I don’t need him. I certainly don’t expect him to pay for my kids and I’m absolutely not paying for his.

@ByZanyLion get a job!

Lots of blended families work because they also blend their finances

if the Op was male he’d be a ‘cocklodger’

merged finances or not, she’s not got anything to merge! She needs to be financially supporting her own kids.

I think you need to start looking for work, love. Not having your own money is never a good thing and with 6 kids to support, your household must be frazzled anyway, and money problems just make everything worse. If you worked, you'd have a few extra pounds coming in and a bit more confidence.

However, i think your DH is actually fundamentally right in his reaction. This child is more than old enough to know you don't scribble on walls, plus she is unkind to your DD. There is no value in having this child round at your house. Does she invite your DD round to hers?

Murder them for some grafitti?

Love that

But it’s not blended finance if one person is paying for everyone though is it?

imagine if a woman came on saying “my husband and his children live with us. He doesn’t work and I pay for everything” would people be so defensive then?

Not surprised the OP has disappeared.
Some of you are a nosy, entitled bunch.

If he was the sahp, why not?

That's because context matters.

Did not say that on the Original post, and I didn't read 20 page sof comments 😂

You only need to read the OP's comments. Click "see all".

But not for his kids

@ceaseanddesisttobailiffs

OP use of the word “warpath” seems to have caused a reaction, perhaps because it refers to a man. In my case, it was less to do with his sex and more to do with the addition of ‘again’. As in ‘he’s on the warpath again’

Bit of a leap to assume he is abusive just because he is annoyed/angry It is indeed. Which is why I asked a question about his normal behaviour rather than making any assumptions that he was abusive. The problem with this is that some people have seen those questions and decided that I must be thinking a, b or c. When, in fact, I like to have some actual information rather than jumping to conclusions.

Several OPs are swearing angrily in frustration (fucking, fucker, dick etc) on this thread and it is not even their issue, I swore a bit in my reply to some other poster. I can’t speak for anyone else but I can confirm that I wasn’t the slightest bit angry or frustrated on the OP’s behalf. She hadn’t answered my question so I had no knowledge of whether this was a completely understandable one off, and the OP was just being melodramatic in her use of ‘again’. And, as you state, it’s not my issue so I might feel concerned for her, but anger and frustration would be a bit much. No, I was swearing partly because I swear. A lot. Regularly. Feel free to AS me and you’ll find lots of posts where I’m swearing. And partly because I don’t like being patronised by people who have poor comprehension skills and peri menopause appears to have completely destroyed my (admittedly limited) ability to deal with these people kindly and patiently.

Perhaps OP has form for poor decisions, which is why he is on the warpath? Perhaps she does. And, again, that is why I asked, rather than assumed that his response was his standard way of talking to her. I like to have actual information rather than relying on ‘perhaps’.

As stated above, I can’t speak for anyone else who might have concerns about his response, but I would hope that the above explains my reasoning.

@2boyzNosleep

Thanks for stopping my ramble! You stopped me in my tracks after I'd already posted it! Aww, bless you. I didn’t read all that! It was completely irrelevant.

*Talking to her like a teenager- how so? OP offered to pay which DH disagrees with. He makes a point that family money shouldn't be used. It would be completely different if OP had told the mum what had happened and the mum apologised and said that she has no money to replace things. It’s the fact OP won't even tell the mum and excusing the behaviour. 🤦🏻‍♀️ Never has it been more apparent that the bar is not the same in every relationship. Every couple, at some point, will do something so bloody annoying that the other will be really pissed off and angry with them. But she’s a grown adult in her own home and I don’t think treating her like a teenager is the way to sort out conflict. If that works for you in your household, then great, you carry on. But I talk to my DH respectfully and I expect the same in return.

On the warpath again- as states- maybe the OP frequently makes decisions that negatively impacts the family or finances. Obviously she isn't responsible for the child's actions, but OP is dismissive of the damage the child has done. This may be a recurring issue- OP dismissing the impact of certain situations. I’m going to have one more attempt at explaining this to you and if you don’t understand this time, then please just let it go because I don’t know how much clearer I can be. Yes, ‘maybe’ the OP is the worst wife in the world and has driven this poor man to the very edge of his sanity with her poor decision making skills and inability to understand why he’d be upset about his stuff being destroyed. And ‘maybe’ there’s a little bit more to it. But I don’t want to jump to conclusions, so I want more information before I decide whether she’s a shit wife or he’s a shit husband.

Now, if I ask her ‘are you a shit wife? Have you caused him to be on the warpath ‘again’?’ Then what do you think she’s going to say? ‘Yes, you’re quite right, I’ve driven him to this’? Of course she’s not! If I ask ‘Is your husband abusive?’ she’s equally as unlikely to say ‘yes, he’s fucking awful to live with’. So you ask a less accusatory question like ‘how often is he on the warpath?’ and then you get a better understanding of the actual scenario and can make a better informed judgement of whether she’s minimising his feelings, or whether she’s desperately trying to keep the peace and stop him from ranting at her friend.

I'm with your DH 100% and it's the last time she'd be visiting my house as well.

Have you tried hand gel?