Husband on the war path again. Wants me to pay but I have no money

[ByZanyLion]

A close friends daughter was visiting my house for a play date with my daughter. The two girls are in the same class and a very good friends.

During the play date the girl scribbled on the wall and a few other places with a permanent marker. I only found out about this after she had gone home. The girls are both 9 and this has never happened before. DH has lost his ; he wants to confront the mother. I told him that I’ll deal with it but he isn’t happy. He doesn’t want her in our house again, nor her mother.

She scribbled on two things of his, which is what he is mostly angry about. I told him, I’ll replace the items, because my friend won’t have the money, as she is going through a fair tough situation herself, and I don’t want to add to her burden. DH isn’t sympathetic to her plight. He has basically said that either she needs to pay or I need to pay using my own money, and not our family money. However, I don’t work and don’t have another source of income.

I am slightly taken aback by his insistence I need to use my own money. FYI Its only £60 to replace the items.

I practically never side with men but in this instance OP I'm afraid YABU. You should never depend on a man financially if the DC aren't his - incredibly risky stuff.

I have a 7 and almost 9yo DD and I would murder them if they were to draw on my walls let alone someone else's. That's outrageously bad behaviour. My youngest went through a phase during covid of drawing on walls, but she was literally bored out of her head being locked up at home for months and was two years old. Those are the only circumstances where I could have mercy. Otherwise I'd kill
them!

I haven’t RTFT because it’s 20 pages long. However, as you’re married all fancies are legally joint no matter who earns what regardless of whether or not he likes it.

The real crux of the matter is that your friend is responsible for paying for the damages. I wouldn’t be so easy to let her off the hook. Even if it’s £5 a week or £10 a month for 6 months, she needs to pay. Hair spray followed by washing up liquid and warm water work wonders removing pen from clothing and other surfaces especially when the hair spray has had a few minutes to work. Hand sanitizer has never failed me when used on solid surfaces, I’ve never used it on clothing. Good luck OP.

Useful to know. Thanks

So why should he use his own money to replace something someone else damaged?

"I'm sure he's happy to eat meals cooked by the OP, relax in a home cleaned by the OP, enjoy birthday and Christmas presents she buys him from family money, sleep in a bed whose bedding is laundered by the OP, and wear clothes she washes and irons for him."

If this thread featured a man not working, expecting his wife to pay for his kids and siding with his mate and paying for hee damaged property with "family money" she earned he'd be labelled a "cocklodger" and the LTB comments would be flying thick and fast....

Do you pay someone to care for children that aren't yours?

I can understand being upset when kids damage things in home husband did seem a bit ott. Maybe your friends issues have caused her daughter to misbehave even at 9 they don't always realise what they have done. I have two grown up sons oldest one nightmare younger one was good now older one has two children oldest one is absolutely brilliant and well behaved youngest one a nightmare like he was makes me smile as now he is having to deal with same crap I got from him

This is exactly how I took it. He doesn't really want the OP to pay; he wants the child's mother to pay. But because the OP is refusing to ask for the money from the mother and saying she'll pay for it herself he's saying "fine, you pay for it yourself but it's not coming out of the family pot of money.". Which she obviously has access to, otherwise he would not have made that point.

You shouldn’t need to keep permanent marker out of reach of a 9yo.

The image you posted isn’t cute or adorable unless the child was 2 or 3yo.
And it’s not amusing to have your things ruined by a 9yo that seems to have form for bullying your stepchild.

Not permanent marker , I tried this recently.

OP use of the word “warpath” seems to have caused a reaction, perhaps because it refers to a man.

Bit of a leap to assume he is abusive just because he is annoyed/angry that someone who probably shouldn’t be in their home and is old enough to know better has defaced his property and now he is being asked to pay for it.

Several OPs are swearing angrily in frustration (fucking, fucker, dick etc) on this thread and it is not even their issue, money or their things - but the husband is not allowed to be upset without being considered abusive, a dick etc?

Perhaps OP has form for poor decisions, which is why he is on the warpath? Perhaps she is a female cocklodger - everyone is happy to assume she does all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, where has she said she does any of this?
Plenty of sexist assumptions on this thread.

Things we “know” from OP:
-OP does not have children with her DH
-9yo friend has made OP’s DD cry before by being unkind
-OP’s DH is not happy about this
-same 9yo has intentionally drawn over walls, radiators and some of DH’s things with permanent marker. There is cctv evidence
-OP won’t ask the mother for money to pay for it
-OP said she will replace the items
-OP doesn’t have the money to replace the items
-money will need to come from the family pot, which obviously includes DH share
-DH is not happy about this

So who is supporting your children ? You say you have no income ?
Child benefit? Maintenance?

She’s 9?! I cannot imagine what sort of 9 year old doesn’t know that this isn’t okay. She’s not a toddler. You should be asking your friend to replace the items and repair any other damage.

Whether you personally have any money or not shouldn’t actually be relevant here. I do agree with his point of view, you shouldn’t be using family money to cover your friend’s costs.

I agree that a 9 year old should know better. I'm surprised some people think this is 9 year old 'kid being kids'. Even my 3 year old knows not to scribble on walls, radiators and clothes.

She's not suggesting husbands are responsible for financing their wives, just that in a marriage both have equal access to everything that is earned, whoever is the higher earner.

@WilfredsPies

Imagine yourself in this situation. I’m sure it was very imaginative and well thought out but I’m going to stop you there before your ramble begins- Thanks for stopping my ramble! You stopped me in my tracks after I'd already posted it!

Talking to her like a teenager- how so? OP offered to pay which DH disagrees with. He makes a point that family money shouldn't be used. It would be completely different if OP had told the mum what had happened and the mum apologised and said that she has no money to replace things. Its the fact OP won't even tell the mum and excusing the behaviour.

On the warpath again- as @ceaseanddesisttobailiffs states- maybe the OP frequently makes decisions that negatively impacts the family or finances. Obviously she isn't responsible for the child's actions, but OP is dismissive of the damage the child has done. This may be a recurring issue- OP dismissing the impact of certain situations.

"all fancies[sic] are legally joint no matter who earns what regardless of whether or not he likes it."

That's precisely what he is saying, ffs. If she says "I'll pay for it, you don't have to worry" that's meaningless if she's paying for it with money that is as much his as hers.

Exactly.
This thread is full of bullshit from posters making stuff up.

"all fancies[sic] are legally joint no matter who earns what regardless of whether or not he likes it."

And that's nonsense anyway.

, just that in a marriage both have equal access to everything that is earned, whoever is the higher earner.

If that's what the couple have agreed- it's not legally the case.

It isn't "his own" money..There is no "his own" money.
If they are married,.it's "their " money.

I agree the child who damaged whatever needs discipline and to be somehow involved in the issue and expected to cough up some amount, but if the couple are married their money is jointly owned. It's not his money and her money, it's their money. That's all I'm saying..

It isn't "his own" money..There is no "his own" money.If they are married,.it's "their " money.

but if the couple are married their money is jointly owned. It's not his money and her money, it's their money.

That is not correct- you might want to believe that but you'd be wrong.

Only £60 you say but you don't want to pay it out of your 'own' money. I wouldn't want this child back in my house either. Time you got a job.

And that's precisely the point - she made the distinction by saying "Don't worry, you don't have to pay for it , I will" As that money is shared money, how does that fix the problem? He's said to her that that only makes any sense if she has some money that isn't joint money to use.

@AthWat yes true. I think the original post could have made this point more clearly. Op will have to take it up with mother of annoying child ..can't see any other option.