Husband on the war path again. Wants me to pay but I have no money

[ByZanyLion]

A close friends daughter was visiting my house for a play date with my daughter. The two girls are in the same class and a very good friends.

During the play date the girl scribbled on the wall and a few other places with a permanent marker. I only found out about this after she had gone home. The girls are both 9 and this has never happened before. DH has lost his ; he wants to confront the mother. I told him that I’ll deal with it but he isn’t happy. He doesn’t want her in our house again, nor her mother.

She scribbled on two things of his, which is what he is mostly angry about. I told him, I’ll replace the items, because my friend won’t have the money, as she is going through a fair tough situation herself, and I don’t want to add to her burden. DH isn’t sympathetic to her plight. He has basically said that either she needs to pay or I need to pay using my own money, and not our family money. However, I don’t work and don’t have another source of income.

I am slightly taken aback by his insistence I need to use my own money. FYI Its only £60 to replace the items.

Well, yes, he is and he has a point. And a nine year old shouldn't be drawing on walls in someone else's house (or their own). I don't know what OP is supposed to do though, if she has no money of her own?

Bloody hell, being on the warpath means that he is pissed off.

Imagine yourself in this situation.

You come home to find a child had defaced your home and specifically YOUR belongings. A child that you didn't want in the house because of their attitude toward your SC. A child that is more than old enough to know better.

It can't be removed so these items need to be replaced. You want to ask the child's mother to pay

Your partner downplays it all and refuses to even tell the mum what has happened, then states that its 'only' £60 and wants to just replace the items with the family money, which is not what you agree with. Although it is 'joint' money, the fact is, if OP isn't working, then essentially the DH is just replacing it himself.

Yes I would be pissed off or 'on the warpath' too. And yes, I would probably say similar to my DH. Has OP said that he's been screaming and shouting at her?

It's only on MN that I ever hear people say that any mistake a man takes or any time they are in a bad mood means they need to be divorced or they are abusive.

Yes, all of this. This would all make me feel so disrespected if I was in his shoes

I wouldn’t ruin a friendship cos of £60. It’s so weird , to me at least, how folks seem to throw caution to the wind once it’s to do with money. It’s money , it can be made. 🤦‍♀️Besides, OP already stated the woman wouldn’t be able to pay.

I do note your title says that "husband is on the war path again " which suggests he has form for anger ? Like the other posters I can see why he would be annoyed about stuff being scribbled on and they should know better . I can see why he might want you to talk to the mum about it so the girls are clear on consequence - but reaction is very aggressive in terms of the way it's being responded too . Is this an isolated event ? Doesn't sound like it

This. And why didn't your dd tell you it was happening? I would definitely nit be gavibg thrn back to the house, I agree with dh on that bit.

I’ve put this down to kids being kids

this is wrong. Its not normal behavior.
Where was your dd whilst this was going on? Did she try and stop this other girl?

Agree with your dh- stop inviting this girl over. She and your dd do not get on and forcing a friendship has already ended in tears. See the mum another time.

£60 is a lot of money. You don't work. Yet you think its pocket change. You can be as rich as can be, its the principle. I can imagine money being an issue in your marriage if you fritter it away.

You should have been supervising the kids anyway, after last time. And how could you not notice the mess?

At worst, this other girl is trying to get your dd in trouble and clearly hates being forced to visit. She is hoping for a ban. Stop pretending they like each other.

so if money is a contentious issue and he is clearly abusive/restrictive you need get a job so you have your own. then leave.

You need proper acetone to remove it not big standard nail Polish

I'm shocked she drew on clothes.

1 was yours and 1 was his step child.

this is ridiculous, obviously he will have to pay if neither you or his ex have any money.
no wonder £ is contentious issue for him everyone around him is unemployed with dependents

Has the other girl done it maliciously?? If so, definitely tell the mum and show her the cctv. Not just to ‘pay’ but so she is aware that there is obviously something going on with her daughter.

Tbh I've had a couple of my 6YO daughter's friends over to play for an entire day and apart from having to mediate the occasional squabble and play the odd 10 minute game with them they haven't needed me to even be in the same room as them. Even at this age I wouldn't expect the behaviour you've described. If they'd intentionally damaged my property and were saying cruel things to my child I'd definitely be letting their parents know. I think at 9 years old I'd be considering telling my child and their parents that they're no longer able to come to my house. What this 9YO did doesn't sound like they were colouring or something and she accidentally scribbled on something. I'd forgive this. It sounds like vandalism and it isn't acceptable or normal 9YO behaviour. ITO the nasty comments it's difficult to fully judge. Is it something your friend's child does regularly or are they mostly kind and respectful to each other? Does your dd give as good as she gets? Even at 9 kids are still learning how to succesfully navigate friendships and negative emotions and they will all get it wrong sometimes. However I would be having a conversation with dd and explaining that she deserves kind/respectful friends etc. I would also be making sure that she knows that just because you're friends with mum doesn't mean she's expected to be friends with this child.

I can see why DH is annoyed. However I really don't understand how anyone can live together harmoniously whilst being so pedantic about individual finances. Either he trusts you and loves you enough to share finances or he doesn't and therefore you shouldn't be cohabiting surely? Having 3 stepchildren does muddy the waters somewhat but then he knew you had children when he made such a commitment to you. He should be sharing basic financial commitments with you and at the very least he should be either allowing you the freedom to earn for yourself or accepting that he needs to financially support you. It's tricky but it'a something you both need to have a serious talk about. This is about much more than a bit of damage on a playdate and more problems will come up if you don't find common ground.

This has fuck all to do with his ex. Neither child involved in this was his. It was the OP's daughter and the OP's friend's daughter. They also have cctv which shows the vandalism being done only by the friend's daughter.

She doesn't work for free. Her husband is paying for the roof over her head and for at least 1 of her children, food, clothes etc. And if she stopped any contribution to the household then her husband would be fair to divorce. Then the OP can do the laundry, cleaning etc while also having to work full-time to pay all the bills her husband currently pays.

1 was yours and 1 was his step child.

Nope. Try again.

Love the way you state this to op as a fact - not even a question - when you've totally made it up!

@2boyzNosleep

Bloody hell, being on the warpath means that he is pissed off Thanks very much for going to all the trouble of defining it for me, but I didn’t ask what the expression meant and, as English is my first language I’m actually already aware of the meaning.

Imagine yourself in this situation. I’m sure it was very imaginative and well thought out but I’m going to stop you there before your ramble begins. I don’t need to imagine myself in your little situation because I’m able to read and I have adequate comprehension skills. Instead, I’m just going to direct your attention to the first six words of my post. Do you see them? First line, starts with ‘I’, ends with ‘annoyed’.

Has OP said that he's been screaming and shouting at her? No. Have I suggested that he’s been shouting and screaming at her? Rhetorical question, the answer is also no.

It's only on MN that I ever hear people say that any mistake a man takes or any time they are in a bad mood means they need to be divorced or they are abusive If you can’t be bothered to read what I actually wrote, then that’s fine. I don’t expect anyone to devour every word. What I do get the almighty fucking hump about though, is when someone makes shit up and implies I either said it or inferred it. I asked a question. Partly because I don’t care how fucking angry he is, he still has no right to talk to her like she’s a naughty teenager who needs to pay for something out of her pocket money, and partly because describing him as being on the war path ‘again’ suggests that this is more regular than just a one off. You know? ‘Again’ meaning something has happened more than once? Now if the OP comes back and says that it’s not a regular thing and he’s normally an absolute fucking delight, then I have my answer. If she comes back with ‘Regularly. He’s actually a grumpy fucker’ then I know what question to ask next.

Wel maybe that's his point. Just exposing the nonsense of her saying "don't worry, you don't have to pay, I will." Maybe he thought she'd understand.

Up to you. It's not mine. I've always had my own income. I couldn't imagine not.

I feel the same way. Yes he may have overreacted, but he sounds like he is annoyed that his feeling have been dismissed and the child and the friend have just been let off the hook.

I would be absolutely furious if any child visiting my home did this.

The mother should be paying for the damage. I don't care if she is having a " rough time" : she is responsible for her child's bad behaviour.

Tbh my sympathy is with your DH over this matter.

And the child would not be coming into my home again.

This above. I think he's most annoyed that there do not seem to be any repercussions for the child that did the damage

I just need to interject to say I agree with everything you've said here, but especially this.

The number of women who act like marriage means their husband has to take care of them, pay for them, fund their lifestyles and can be totally depended on is downright terrifying. It leaves you so vulnerable and is quite frankly infantilising.

I married my husband because he's the best, kindest person I know. He is not my keeper because we are married and I cannot understand how putting the pressure of completely financing all my needs and wants solely because he is a man is fair.

You tell us you don’t work and don’t have any income. And that you have 3 children each and money is a big issue in your marriage. But you also tell us he isn’t supporting 6 children. It doesn’t really make sense? If I were the sole provider for 6 children (when they are staying in my house anyway) and a 9yo girl who made my dd cry last time she visited came around again and drew on things with permanent markers I’d be very pissed off!! The least you can do is apologise and say we won’t have her around again. The very least.

@ByZanyLion

AGAIN…

Why aren’t you working and supporting yourself and your children?

Worse things happen at sea. Husband sounds like a dick. Prevention is better than cure, kids shouldn’t be able to get their hands on permanent markers. Keep them out of reach, no need to cut off friendships over it. I like this approach: