Husband on the war path again. Wants me to pay but I have no money

[ByZanyLion]

A close friends daughter was visiting my house for a play date with my daughter. The two girls are in the same class and a very good friends.

During the play date the girl scribbled on the wall and a few other places with a permanent marker. I only found out about this after she had gone home. The girls are both 9 and this has never happened before. DH has lost his ; he wants to confront the mother. I told him that I’ll deal with it but he isn’t happy. He doesn’t want her in our house again, nor her mother.

She scribbled on two things of his, which is what he is mostly angry about. I told him, I’ll replace the items, because my friend won’t have the money, as she is going through a fair tough situation herself, and I don’t want to add to her burden. DH isn’t sympathetic to her plight. He has basically said that either she needs to pay or I need to pay using my own money, and not our family money. However, I don’t work and don’t have another source of income.

I am slightly taken aback by his insistence I need to use my own money. FYI Its only £60 to replace the items.

The "warpath" seems to refer to the fact he previously questioned the other girl being there because she had bullied his stepdaughter and reduced her to tears. According to the OP this is just "kids being kids"

if the dad pays maintenance then the op has her own money, which she says she doesn’t.

The OP claims she has no money.

I don’t think we are overly draconian but if our 8 or 10 year old did this to something in our house or anyone else’s then they would be very clear we were cross about it and the consequence would be they’d lose their pocket money until they’d paid at least a substantial amount toward the cost of replacement. There is no way they wouldn’t realise it was unacceptable. I think marking something accidentally - going off edge of paper onto a desktop, dropping a pen on the floor and making a mark on a carpet, writing onto something ink goes through or similar would all be pretty understandable at that age so wonder if people thinking it’s normal haven’t read all the updates

If he did then she'd have money. They are still HER kids Surely she should contribute towards them . So she has her husband paying for them and if she gets CM then her ex. Where's HER financial contribution to her own kids?

Don't know if it works on paint, but if any of the scribbled surfaces are plastic or metal, whiteboard marker will get permanent marker off. You just colour over the top of the permanent marker and wipe.

How are you 'dealing with it?' Because most people would be bloody furious if a child old enough to know better did that in their home. Your DH is quite right to be upset if this child has trashed his things. She isn't a toddler! And why should your family pot be smaller because her child can't behave.

I appreciate you're trying to be helpful but the magic marker has been used on clothes too. Nothing will shift it from clothes. Using it on clothes is deliberate and malicious.

My DS had a marker leak if the front pocket of a pink hoodied. I sprayed it till soaked on both sides of fabric with hairspray and bunged straight in machine. It's all came out..

Maybe whatever she gets from the children’s dad goes only towards the kids? Its not to reimburse her own husband. She had 3 kids before she met him, and he decided to marry her so I’m sure he knew / understand the set up and willingly went along with it.

That's a good tip

You sound really bitter. The children’s dad might contribute towards the children only, it wouldn’t give her a disposable or additional income. Her husband is paying for her, and why not? As he should in my opinion and the kids come as a package.

Yes he would pay maintenance towards his children not their mother. She has a husband to do that!

How do you know that she wasn't working when they married and she kicked in job after for him to support them.? Or said she would work when they were school age There's not enough background info to assume that he got into this expecting to be coughing up indefinitely. OP has already stated money is a bone of contention in the marriage

She's saying that the destructive kids mother can't afford it but then again not can she. I'm not sure why she won't even tell the kids mum especially as she has CCTV proof it was that kid doing it

Oh more failure to accept responsibility. OP's lack of supervision of her child and the friend caused this.

Did he "sign up" for what's mine is yours, feel free to let your children trash it"

Yes, I was thinking that that child's behaviour is like a cry for help and her mother should know so that she get the help she needs

Childcare for a 9 year who isn't his and is in school all day every day? Ok then.

The lack of supervision accusation is ridiculous, who watches 2 nine yesr olds that closely? It only takes a minute to draw on walls.

No one would follow around their 9 year old and their friend on a play date, it’s hardly lack of supervision!

It’s also not something you’d expect a 9 year old to do, but there’s a possibility said 9 year old is acting out as there’s other stuff going on in her life (hence op being reluctant to ask friend to pay as she’s going through hard time).

9 year old is a child. DH is an adult who can replace the items if he chooses too. OP has hopefully apologised. That should be it.

Yeah, I read her posts. I think we’re interpreting them differently. She doesn’t say anything about him questioning why the child was there after upsetting their daughter.

But, irrespective of that, my question was how often he goes on the war path. Because the thread title makes it sound like a regular occurrence.

But that's what marriage is, you are dependent on each other.

My advice to you is to stop working for free. If your job is cooking, cleaning, laundry, taking care of everyone then stop doing that til you get paid. Frankly I would not be lifting a finger until my contribution was regognised - never stay at home for a man who doesn't respect what you do.

She could have been 29, and they'd still be excusing her, banging on about her 'frontal lobe' not being fully formed.

Well she said it was a friend who was going through a difficult time. It’s hardly crime of the century! Annoying, yes. If anything don’t have the child over again, or if she does, obviously she should speak with her first and keep a very close eye!

You sound completely unhinged.