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AIBU?

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Original poster

Husband on the war path again. Wants me to pay but I have no money

750 replies

ByZanyLion · 17/04/2025 17:12

A close friends daughter was visiting my house for a play date with my daughter. The two girls are in the same class and a very good friends.

During the play date the girl scribbled on the wall and a few other places with a permanent marker. I only found out about this after she had gone home. The girls are both 9 and this has never happened before. DH has lost his ; he wants to confront the mother. I told him that I’ll deal with it but he isn’t happy. He doesn’t want her in our house again, nor her mother.

She scribbled on two things of his, which is what he is mostly angry about. I told him, I’ll replace the items, because my friend won’t have the money, as she is going through a fair tough situation herself, and I don’t want to add to her burden. DH isn’t sympathetic to her plight. He has basically said that either she needs to pay or I need to pay using my own money, and not our family money. However, I don’t work and don’t have another source of income.

I am slightly taken aback by his insistence I need to use my own money. FYI Its only £60 to replace the items.

OP posts:
NeuroSpicyCat · 17/04/2025 22:08

Pibrea · 17/04/2025 20:31

Why don’t you have a job?

This.

why OP?

ToKittyornottoKitty · 17/04/2025 22:08

ThisFluentBiscuit · 17/04/2025 22:05

There's your money and family money? And then presumably his money, too? Does your husband not realise that you're married and that it's all the same pot??

He has the right to be annoyed that the kids weren't better supervised, but it doesn't sound as if a great deal of damage was done. He should also accept that kids will be kids.

£60 from a 9 year old with a marker is a good amount of damage. Doing this at 9 isn’t ’kids being kids’ either.

Arlanymor · 17/04/2025 22:09

tuvamoodyson · 17/04/2025 21:42

Yes OP….do take this calm and measured approach. Not an overreaction at all!!

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Masterful use of a meme there! applaud

Redpeach · 17/04/2025 22:10

tuvamoodyson · 17/04/2025 21:42

Yes OP….do take this calm and measured approach. Not an overreaction at all!!

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Surely the only over reaction is the dh

MumWifeOther · 17/04/2025 22:10

IHaveAlwaysLivedintheCastle · 17/04/2025 22:06

Looks like it from this thread. You're the one suggesting you wouldn't do the decent thing and replace something you broke or damaged.

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Are you quite alright? I’m a stay at mum so the money I have access to is earned by my husband but very much “ours”. I said I would apologise, and we would replace the items (it would not bother either of us enough to gesture that it was me paying as it comes from the same pot). However, and I stand by this, IF my husband ever dared tell me I owed him money - then, he could fuck off (I very much doubt he ever would as he’s lovely, unlike the OP’s DH).

tachetastic · 17/04/2025 22:14

ByZanyLion · 17/04/2025 17:12

A close friends daughter was visiting my house for a play date with my daughter. The two girls are in the same class and a very good friends.

During the play date the girl scribbled on the wall and a few other places with a permanent marker. I only found out about this after she had gone home. The girls are both 9 and this has never happened before. DH has lost his ; he wants to confront the mother. I told him that I’ll deal with it but he isn’t happy. He doesn’t want her in our house again, nor her mother.

She scribbled on two things of his, which is what he is mostly angry about. I told him, I’ll replace the items, because my friend won’t have the money, as she is going through a fair tough situation herself, and I don’t want to add to her burden. DH isn’t sympathetic to her plight. He has basically said that either she needs to pay or I need to pay using my own money, and not our family money. However, I don’t work and don’t have another source of income.

I am slightly taken aback by his insistence I need to use my own money. FYI Its only £60 to replace the items.

Your opening post title suggests that DH wants you to pay, OP, but he doesn't. He wants the parents of the other child to pay.

You are the one who is insisting that you should pay rather than your friend. DH is simply saying that he should not pay.

That doesn't sound unreasonable to me.

Cornishclio · 17/04/2025 22:14

9 is old enough not to scribble on walls and yes you and your friend should have been supervising them better. You should tell your friend so she can discipline her daughter although if your daughter didn’t say anything I would be disciplining her too.

If the girl was nasty to your daughter why invite her over. It sounds like your husband wants you to get a job. Why don’t you work? The comment about it only costing £60 when you don’t earn would be annoying to me too. I kind of get where he is coming from.

IHaveAlwaysLivedintheCastle · 17/04/2025 22:15

MumWifeOther · 17/04/2025 22:10

Are you quite alright? I’m a stay at mum so the money I have access to is earned by my husband but very much “ours”. I said I would apologise, and we would replace the items (it would not bother either of us enough to gesture that it was me paying as it comes from the same pot). However, and I stand by this, IF my husband ever dared tell me I owed him money - then, he could fuck off (I very much doubt he ever would as he’s lovely, unlike the OP’s DH).

Edited
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As I said I prefer acting like a grown up and taking responsibility where I've been careless or stupid.

FedupofArsenalgame · 17/04/2025 22:15

MumWifeOther · 17/04/2025 22:10

Are you quite alright? I’m a stay at mum so the money I have access to is earned by my husband but very much “ours”. I said I would apologise, and we would replace the items (it would not bother either of us enough to gesture that it was me paying as it comes from the same pot). However, and I stand by this, IF my husband ever dared tell me I owed him money - then, he could fuck off (I very much doubt he ever would as he’s lovely, unlike the OP’s DH).

Edited
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The DH is lovely enough to support HER 3 kids

ceaseanddesisttobailiffs · 17/04/2025 22:16

MumWifeOther · 17/04/2025 22:10

Are you quite alright? I’m a stay at mum so the money I have access to is earned by my husband but very much “ours”. I said I would apologise, and we would replace the items (it would not bother either of us enough to gesture that it was me paying as it comes from the same pot). However, and I stand by this, IF my husband ever dared tell me I owed him money - then, he could fuck off (I very much doubt he ever would as he’s lovely, unlike the OP’s DH).

Edited
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It’s the seemingly the lack of respect for DH - his things, the money he has earned for the family ( it’s “only” £60 yet OP can’t pay) - and for her own DD .

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 17/04/2025 22:16

MumWifeOther · 17/04/2025 22:10

Are you quite alright? I’m a stay at mum so the money I have access to is earned by my husband but very much “ours”. I said I would apologise, and we would replace the items (it would not bother either of us enough to gesture that it was me paying as it comes from the same pot). However, and I stand by this, IF my husband ever dared tell me I owed him money - then, he could fuck off (I very much doubt he ever would as he’s lovely, unlike the OP’s DH).

Edited
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Presumably being a stay at home mum was a joint decision by you and your husband. I could be completely wrong her but I don’t feel like that is the case in op’s situation and he wants her to get a job.

Grammarnut · 17/04/2025 22:16

Nine year olds shouldn't be scribbling on walls or anything but paper they have been given to draw on. A three year old knows this. You need to supervise better. I am not sure why your DH thinks you should pay when you only have family money but I don't understand modern arrangements - when I had young children and did not work we had a joint account which I drew on as I wished. There was no mine and yours - and that continued when I went back to work. 🙄

tuvamoodyson · 17/04/2025 22:17

Redpeach · 17/04/2025 22:10

Surely the only over reaction is the dh

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Think we’ll have to agree to disagree about that!! Personally, I think divorce is a little extreme in this case.

Fingeronthebutton · 17/04/2025 22:18

I have to use hand sanitiser on items all the time. It works
I know it sounds odd but it really does work.

RedSkyDelights · 17/04/2025 22:18

ThisFluentBiscuit · 17/04/2025 22:05

There's your money and family money? And then presumably his money, too? Does your husband not realise that you're married and that it's all the same pot??

He has the right to be annoyed that the kids weren't better supervised, but it doesn't sound as if a great deal of damage was done. He should also accept that kids will be kids.

£60 to replace just two of the items damaged is hardly insignificant.
(I note OP hasn't even mentioned how much it will cost to "fix" the other damage)

I think OP's husband does realise that the money is all in the same pot. That's why he realises that OP's desire not to bother the other mum but to pay for the items herself actually means that he will be paying for them.
"Family money" is generally spent on the family with the agreement of both parents. Not unilaterally by one parent.

Cornishclio · 17/04/2025 22:19

Your husband is supporting you and three children from other relationships plus three of his own? Why don’t you have money from child support from your children’s father? I think you need to get your own money to help support your children. You are extremely vulnerable financially.

IHaveAlwaysLivedintheCastle · 17/04/2025 22:20

Grammarnut · 17/04/2025 22:16

Nine year olds shouldn't be scribbling on walls or anything but paper they have been given to draw on. A three year old knows this. You need to supervise better. I am not sure why your DH thinks you should pay when you only have family money but I don't understand modern arrangements - when I had young children and did not work we had a joint account which I drew on as I wished. There was no mine and yours - and that continued when I went back to work. 🙄

Personally the idea of a joint bank account and "our money" horrifies me. I've never, in the 30 plus years we've been together, been financially dependant on my husband or he on me.

AthWat · 17/04/2025 22:29

Grammarnut · 17/04/2025 22:16

Nine year olds shouldn't be scribbling on walls or anything but paper they have been given to draw on. A three year old knows this. You need to supervise better. I am not sure why your DH thinks you should pay when you only have family money but I don't understand modern arrangements - when I had young children and did not work we had a joint account which I drew on as I wished. There was no mine and yours - and that continued when I went back to work. 🙄

He's making a point surely. He's said "Your friend should pay for this" and the OP has said "Oh, I'll pay", which he is pointing out is exactly the same thing as him paying unless she has some store of money that isn't both of theirs.

WilfredsPies · 17/04/2025 22:30

I completely understand why he’s annoyed but I really don’t like the way he’s taken his anger out on you or the way he’s spoken to you.

Also, your thread title sounds quite concerning. How often does he go ‘on the warpath’?

Cantanna · 17/04/2025 22:30

Have you tried a magic sponge..I've removed felt tip off walls with them .

Treblechef · 17/04/2025 22:30

Why aren’t you working? You seem to be avoiding the question.

MumWifeOther · 17/04/2025 22:31

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 17/04/2025 22:16

Presumably being a stay at home mum was a joint decision by you and your husband. I could be completely wrong her but I don’t feel like that is the case in op’s situation and he wants her to get a job.

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Yes it’s something we discussed and agreed upon before we got married and had children. He does seem spiteful, which is where the problem lies for me as I can’t imagine my husband ever reacting this way. And in that same way, if I told him the mother of the child in question was struggling financially hence I didn’t want to ask her to pay to replace the items, he would completely understand.

DeepRubySwan · 17/04/2025 22:33

He sounds aggressive and controlling. Children scribble on things and if he doesn't like that maybe he shouldn't have had children. Now at 9yrs sure there should be more control but it wasn't your fault and intimidating you and getting angry about it doesn't change the fact it happened. He needs to let it go and you guys just replace it. All your money should be combined and used for each other and the children. This is a huge red flag and if my husband did this I would not be happy at all.

MumWifeOther · 17/04/2025 22:34

FedupofArsenalgame · 17/04/2025 22:15

The DH is lovely enough to support HER 3 kids

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They are married and they are her kids, they live together so they are a family. How do you know their dad doesn’t pay maintenance?

Tippytips · 17/04/2025 22:35

If you spray hairspray on the marker pen close up and rub it will come off ☺️