Husband on the war path again. Wants me to pay but I have no money

[ByZanyLion]

A close friends daughter was visiting my house for a play date with my daughter. The two girls are in the same class and a very good friends.

During the play date the girl scribbled on the wall and a few other places with a permanent marker. I only found out about this after she had gone home. The girls are both 9 and this has never happened before. DH has lost his ; he wants to confront the mother. I told him that I’ll deal with it but he isn’t happy. He doesn’t want her in our house again, nor her mother.

She scribbled on two things of his, which is what he is mostly angry about. I told him, I’ll replace the items, because my friend won’t have the money, as she is going through a fair tough situation herself, and I don’t want to add to her burden. DH isn’t sympathetic to her plight. He has basically said that either she needs to pay or I need to pay using my own money, and not our family money. However, I don’t work and don’t have another source of income.

I am slightly taken aback by his insistence I need to use my own money. FYI Its only £60 to replace the items.

Pure acetone instead of nail varnish remover ?

Nice bit of creative writing there.

Well I would apologise and then we would replace it out of our money - which he earns, and can do so because I look after our kids and all household duties. He wouldn’t DREAM of telling me to use “my” money.

I'd want the child to pay at least half. No more spending money and treats until she has saved up to pay for the damage.

I'm also pretty sure she didn't spring on him the revelation that she had three children after they had moved in together. If he's now resentful of providing for the children, that's a massive shifting of the goalposts

That’s a bit of a stretch - he is the one sticking up for OP’s DD

I'm sure he's happy to eat meals cooked by the OP, relax in a home cleaned by the OP, enjoy birthday and Christmas presents she buys him from family money, sleep in a bed whose bedding is laundered by the OP, and wear clothes she washes and irons for him

He would save himself a lot of money by having cleaner and paying for laundry service. Plus not having to contribute half towards his own birthday and Christmas presents.

I prefer being a grown up with my own money and taking responsibility for my own actions.

Yes OP….do take this calm and measured approach. Not an overreaction at all!!

Havent read all the comments so sorry if this has already been said. Perhaps your husband is onto something here ... 9 years old , last time old your daughter that she wasn't her friend. Feels like she did this on purpose , are you sure she isn't bullying your daughter. Can't understand why a 9 year old would do this otherwise

Did the other child bring the permanent marker into the home ? If not then you need to take part of the blame having them laying around

@mathanxiety I red it that he's pissed off with his step daughter being treated badly and his partner being a pushover who can't talk to her good friend about friend's daughter's appalling behaviour. My dh wouldn't put up with this either. He's not controlling or financially abusive (haven't always worked) but doesn't like unpleasant children.

Good point. Instead of even considering that OP is actually criticising her husband for disliking the "friend"

@CoastalCalm they are 9 years old!! I have vodka and permanent pens and matches and bleach in my house. My children at 9 would never have played with any of them.

I teach children that age. Absolutely not age appropriate behaviour.

Well, yes - he is basically not a doormat and doesn’t want his stepdaughter to be treated badly.
What a shit head. Divorce him OP - you and your DD will be much better off without him…

(I am waiting for the massive backstory to this).

Are you joking? At 9 years old she would definitely have known not to scribble on stuff with a permanent marker.

Op I can't understand why you haven't told your friend, she needs to pay for the damage her daughter caused, I can totally understand why he's angry about it.

I am shocked by the number of people that seem to think that this is either ok, understandable or excusable behaviour in a 9 year old.
It absolutely isn’t.

Aftershave removes permanent marker

We don't know she has no access to money; as far as we know all the money he earns is "family money" that she can spend freely and that's why she felt she could say that she would pay for the damage. However, in this instance, he doesn't want her to use that money, as that is exactly the same as him paying for it himself, and he wants her friend to pay for it, not the two of them as a couple.

If she wanted £60 to buy chocolate there's no reason to suppose she couldn't do so.

Apologies missed it wasn't his children

Not from clothes presumably?

I've actually never experienced children at any age scribbling over walls or radiators- why would they ? They can see that's not what walls or radiators are for, but maybe this really happens?

Books- well I don't recall that happening either but if it did it's understandable in young children.

But clothes? That's not a mistake or an accident- that's deliberately malicious.

So stay at home mums are now children devoid of responsibility for their own actions?

Does it occur to you that he may have said this just to emphasise that as there is no her money, only their money, her saying "I won't ask my friend, I'll pay for it" is nonsense?

That poster is a regular when it comes to blaming the man, regardless of the facts…

If the shoe fits…at least in OP’s case.

There's your money and family money? And then presumably his money, too? Does your husband not realise that you're married and that it's all the same pot??

He has the right to be annoyed that the kids weren't better supervised, but it doesn't sound as if a great deal of damage was done. He should also accept that kids will be kids.

Looks like it from this thread. You're the one suggesting you wouldn't do the decent thing and replace something you broke or damaged.