Husband on the war path again. Wants me to pay but I have no money

[ByZanyLion]

A close friends daughter was visiting my house for a play date with my daughter. The two girls are in the same class and a very good friends.

During the play date the girl scribbled on the wall and a few other places with a permanent marker. I only found out about this after she had gone home. The girls are both 9 and this has never happened before. DH has lost his ; he wants to confront the mother. I told him that I’ll deal with it but he isn’t happy. He doesn’t want her in our house again, nor her mother.

She scribbled on two things of his, which is what he is mostly angry about. I told him, I’ll replace the items, because my friend won’t have the money, as she is going through a fair tough situation herself, and I don’t want to add to her burden. DH isn’t sympathetic to her plight. He has basically said that either she needs to pay or I need to pay using my own money, and not our family money. However, I don’t work and don’t have another source of income.

I am slightly taken aback by his insistence I need to use my own money. FYI Its only £60 to replace the items.

Not sure how this answers the question

But that still doesn’t explain why you don’t work.

You’ve been asked several times to explain the set up in your household with regard to the number of children he supports.

We have CCTV looking into the hall way / ground door and saw her in action.

It sounds like he is aware this girl is trouble and you have allowed them together unsupervised or without any check ups. I can understand why he is pissed off with you. I would be too!

I think this is about more than the money. It's about you prioritising your friend over your own home and family.

I’d be furious if a 9yo drew on stuff in my house. No idea why you wouldn’t raise it with your friend. With that and the making your dc cry, I working have the dc over again. Meet somewhere out like a cafe or park.

Because it's their money, they are married. She's his wife, not a naughtly child to be punished. It's not a conversation that would happen in my house whichever of us it had happened to. Their relationship dynamics sound off.

OP says she'll pay herself precisely because he's being a knob about it (or she knew he would be). If he is doing it to pressure OP to ask the friend for money to cover, but will ultimately back down if she doesn't, then fair enough. If he is withholding it as punishment for her not asking (which OP has explained is because the friend is having a tough time) or because she was in the house at the time so he feels should have been supervising, then yes, IMO, he is being a knob.

Personally I think OP should ask and work something out reasonably, if possible, ensuring it definitely was this girl. I also wouldn't have her back anytime soon. And like I said upthread, he has every right to be angry at the situation.

Hopefully it isn't as serious as this, but financial abuse is part of coercive control* *where one partner uses money to control their spouse. And OP seems to be talking about a pattern.

But op has offered to replace the items. He is pushing back to say ok but then you need to pay it without money I’ve earnt as in that case he is being financially put out.

Well there's your proof to show your friend.

Start charging for childcare and then you can pay him back. He sounds awful

They're not his kids, shes given up work to care for her own kids. And there is no suggestion that he is withholding money from her that is needed for household purposes. He also isn't punishing her for this girl's behaviour - he is wanting the mother to cover the cost of her daughter's vandalism and the OP is taking the selfish way out expecting her husband to shoulder the costs.

He doesn't have children with her - RTWT.

What's that got to do with your not working?

You're out of order here. The friend sounds unpleasant yet you're trying to make out he's the bad guy for not liking her and he's the one standing up for your own daughter.

I am slightly taken aback by his insistence I need to use my own money. FYI Its only £60 to replace the items.

Love the "it's only £60". I'm a high earner- if I lose or break something, then, yes, "it's only £60" and it's my own carelessness or stupidity- I'm not going to fret about it.

If my carelessness or stupidity damages some one else's property, there's no "it's only £60" about it. I'd be mortified if my child did this.

I am a bit confused about why PPs consider the OP's DH to be a knob.

He has come home to find his belongings scribbled on in permanent marker by a nine year old. He has asked that the child's parents be asked to pay for replacements. OP has said that because her friend cannot afford this, she will arrange for his belongings to be replaced using joint funds, i.e. that are 50% his in the first place.

I agree that the language used is not ideal, but I see his point of view. He is not being manipulative. He is the sole earner but that does not mean that half of what he earns does not belong to OP. However, even if they recognise that all income is joint income, then 50% of any money that comes out of the account to compensate him is already his. That doesn't sound fair.

I imagine providing housing, food and covering all bills etc more than covers his fair share of childcare costs for children than aren’t his.

Nice one - they are not his own kids (but he is paying for their home, food, bills), so that would massively backfire on OP.

Based on your logic, OP sounds awful

They are not his kids! The OP hasn't posted anything about also looking after the kids he has with his ex.

Well it’s annoying. But he’s being ridiculous

He married her knowing she had 3 kids. He chose to take them on. They’re a family, they come as one. Husbands should absolutely take care of their families. Insane to think people run their marriages keeping tabs on who owes who, gross!

Why on earth is a 9 year old defacing someone’s else’s house in multiple places. Dh sounds a bit bullish but he’s right to want to confront friend

So he knows you have no income and rely on family money yet he's taunting you about this.

I'd exhaust all the possible means of erasing the permanent marker, but while doing that I'd also see if I could talk to a solicitor.

You should start looking for a job - any job. You're in an extremely vulnerable position and dealing with a man who seems quite bad tempered and nasty.

Confronting the mother won't work - the child will blame your child and you will end up minus a friend
Is this what he wants, i.e. for you to lose a friend? Do you have a wide circle of friends or just one or two?
How much time or opportunity do you have to get out with friends where money is needed for coffee or a cafe lunch, etc?

Jesus RTFT

charge him for childcare for her kids that are not his?

Charge him for looking after HER OWN kids that he is supporting despite them not being his??

Really?If I was working and paying for someone else's kids I certainly wouldn't like to be called awful. for not paying for damage that a friends badly behaved kid caused

Oh come off it. If I were responsible for damaging or losing something belonging to my husband I'd replace it from my money. He wouldn't even have to ask and he would do the same if he damaged or lost something of mine.

That’s not really answering the question though

I'm sure he's happy to eat meals cooked by the OP, relax in a home cleaned by the OP, enjoy birthday and Christmas presents she buys him from family money, sleep in a bed whose bedding is laundered by the OP, and wear clothes she washes and irons for him.

I'm also pretty sure she didn't spring on him the revelation that she had three children after they had moved in together. If he's now resentful of providing for the children, that's a massive shifting of the goalposts.