Husband on the war path again. Wants me to pay but I have no money

[ByZanyLion]

A close friends daughter was visiting my house for a play date with my daughter. The two girls are in the same class and a very good friends.

During the play date the girl scribbled on the wall and a few other places with a permanent marker. I only found out about this after she had gone home. The girls are both 9 and this has never happened before. DH has lost his ; he wants to confront the mother. I told him that I’ll deal with it but he isn’t happy. He doesn’t want her in our house again, nor her mother.

She scribbled on two things of his, which is what he is mostly angry about. I told him, I’ll replace the items, because my friend won’t have the money, as she is going through a fair tough situation herself, and I don’t want to add to her burden. DH isn’t sympathetic to her plight. He has basically said that either she needs to pay or I need to pay using my own money, and not our family money. However, I don’t work and don’t have another source of income.

I am slightly taken aback by his insistence I need to use my own money. FYI Its only £60 to replace the items.

How is money a contentious issue? Why don’t you work? Is the 9 year old your youngest?

And they were your guests, who you didn’t supervise properly and it’s damaged his stuff. Why was there a permanent marker available? 9 is a bit old to be doing something as naughty as drawing all over stuff, but it could leak into the carpet or go through paper and onto a surface.

I think you should be apologetic to your DP. Suggest you pay from the family funds for now to replace the items. Then, you’ll get a job (even if it’s just cleaning, ironing from home, waitressing, online administrator) and pay back the cost.

I agree with all of this, however, if he absolutely sticks to the "your money not family money" if she can't/won't pay up, I do feel your husband is being a bit of a knob.

BTW are you sure this girl did it and not your daughter? When I was primary school age, I was constantly getting into trouble for petty vandalism at my best friend's house that I hadn't done. Being a bit slow, it took me some time to realise that my BF was doing it as a form of revenge for some slight (and for fun I guess, weirdly). I once actually saw her blame another friend for breaking something which I had seen her do. Her parents never believed me and always took her side. My Mum told me to stop going there, which I did. I'm sure you know your daughter, I'm only raising it as she and this girl had a falling out last time and it is pretty much perfect revenge. Doesn't change the knobbishness though.

I have to say if I came home and someone had scribbled on the walls and my clothes in permanent marker I would be pretty pissed. If they were three years old I would probably have a rant and then let it slide, by nine years old they do know better unless they have learning issues.

The child's parents should at least contribute what they can afford even if not the full amount.

How is he being a knob? OP has said SHE will pay to avoid asking the other mum for money, so OP needs to find HERSELF some money to pay, otherwise her husband is actually the one paying and not a chance I’d be okay with that if I was him.

He’s been very clear & fair- ask the parent responsible, OP doesn’t want to because it’s “only” £60- okay then, so OP needs to go earn/find that cash herself.

I’m being sarcastic. The whole point is they’re not high value items, kids make mistakes, would be mortifying to ask the mum to replace them, the op can’t as she doesn’t work but clearly does her fair share at home, and he’s a dick.

The part of your post that concerns me the most is the word “again”
does your OH often lose his temper ?

I am really confused how a 9 year old can permanently damage something so bad that it needs replacing ? Walls can be painted over what else has she has see damaged ?
was it accidental,

call his bluff and let him deal with the mother , does he really have the brass balls to ban this kid and make the mother pay ? What happens if the mum and child blame your child for it all ?
what then ?

he seems nasty

Well if they aren’t high value then the parents of the children involved should pay surely?

If my child ruined something I would expect to be the one to pay. Especially if that was through bad behaviour

pay back her husband???? What is this? Just because she’s not got a job doesn’t mean she doesn’t pull her weight in the marriage. If my hsuand EVER even dreamed of telling me I owe him money.. well!!!! In the bin.

WD40 to get ride of the permanent marker

Good divorce solicitor to get rid of the asshole

They’re not his children

Omg please ignore the women saying get a good lawyer you will get next to nothing. You cannot afford 60. You need to urgently fix your life.

We know the daughter is a bully - you’ve told us as much.
Is the true reason you’d rather pay the £60 and not tell her mother because she’s a bully too?

You definitely need to tell the mum. Had my son did this I would have wanted to know so I could make things right.

I dont blame him.

It may be awkward for you as her mum is your friend, but at the end of the day I can't see any other reason for a 9 yr old to do this other than spite. There are plenty of children with parents who divorce that don't cause damage to their friends homes, so that's no excuse.

She shouldn't be allowed round again and you should tell her mum why- although given the fact that you didn't find out until after she went home, don't be surprised if the girl blames your DD

And it's not just the cost of replacing items, it's also the time and money using products to remove the pen.

Hahaha at posters saying he's financially abusive. OP sounds like the female equivalent of a cocklodger - no job, three kids, none of the kids are his...

OP you are taking the piss. The mother should be asked to pay for the damage her daughter has caused. Your husband shouldn't have to pay for it.

Also - why don't you have a job?

It was across several places in the house, walls, radiators, clothes

9yo don’t make mistakes like this. And this is not an accident.

He is on the war path because last time she was here, she told my daughter that she wasn’t her friend and my daughter burst into tears

Oh what a horrible man, sticking up for his step daughter.
He is clearly a bully for expecting her parent to take responsibility for the vandalism rather than his family lose money for something they did not do.

Seems like he is the one sticking up for this family (and step family) whereas you are the one that puts your DD in upsetting situation and refuses to speak up to your friend.

I would be on the warpath AGAIN, too.

How will she afford the ‘good divorce lawyer’? With no job and 3 kids that are solely hers to support? Someone who can’t afford £60

Some people just open their mouths and spill out nonsense.

Actually, it's something alcohol based that is needed for ink - deodorant or better still hairspray is excellent. However, the success of its removal largely comes down to the surface that has been written on and how porous it is. A shiny plastic or glass surface will release the ink far better than a fabric surface, for example.

OP doesn’t work and has 3 kids that are not her husband’s, and he’s funding all 4 of their lives, and now OP expects him to fund this as well. He’d do well to tell her to get in the bliddy bin, what weight is she pulling that entitles her and her children to a free life ??

All the more reason to inform her mum, which OP doesn't seem to want to do. She'd rather excuse the damage done and offer to pay for it herself.

He shouldn’t be punishing you for the girl’s bad behaviour. And he shouldn’t be withholding money from you which is needed for household purposes (or, in fact, for HIS benefit). If you give up work to care for children, it should be on the basis that you are a team. One of you is earning the money and one of you is providing the at-home support. From there on in, you have equal rights to and say over the money, while always taking your partner’s needs into consideration of course. If he can’t buy into that kind of arrangement, you shouldn’t be in this situation together.

Well we have no idea if she does her share at home, we haven’t been given any insight into that.

they might not be high value but it’s not loose change either. I would be annoyed if I had to fork out £60 to replace something that someone deliberately destroyed. And if it was my child I would be horrified and want to know.

Try hair spray

I’m guessing it was his clothes that have been damaged.

The friction is between his ex and him, and this has spilled into our relationship.