Husband on the war path again. Wants me to pay but I have no money

[ByZanyLion]

A close friends daughter was visiting my house for a play date with my daughter. The two girls are in the same class and a very good friends.

During the play date the girl scribbled on the wall and a few other places with a permanent marker. I only found out about this after she had gone home. The girls are both 9 and this has never happened before. DH has lost his ; he wants to confront the mother. I told him that I’ll deal with it but he isn’t happy. He doesn’t want her in our house again, nor her mother.

She scribbled on two things of his, which is what he is mostly angry about. I told him, I’ll replace the items, because my friend won’t have the money, as she is going through a fair tough situation herself, and I don’t want to add to her burden. DH isn’t sympathetic to her plight. He has basically said that either she needs to pay or I need to pay using my own money, and not our family money. However, I don’t work and don’t have another source of income.

I am slightly taken aback by his insistence I need to use my own money. FYI Its only £60 to replace the items.

He sounds like a dick. Tell him to replace them if they mean that much to him, or claim them off the insurance if he wants. Or he can F off

Causing damage deliberately is not a minor thing at 9 years old.

I have only 2 things to say, admittedly only reading the op.

1. id also be deeply annoyed if a 9 year old drew on my stuff. That’s really, deeply annoying.
2. you have no access to any money. That’s really, deeply, concerning.

What insurance company will cover a guest drawing on some things? Of course they should be replaced, that’s not unreasonable and why should he have to do it himself.

You've completely missed the point of my post. There's a far more serious issue here than the visiting child's misbehavior. Please read before arguing.

Only read OP’s posts, not RTFT, but how confident are you @ByZanyLion that your own daughter didn’t do it? Or at least have something to do with it? My DD would be in deep shit if her friend had come over and done that because I’d have expected her to stop it happening or tell me about it. Which is why I suspect your DD did have something to do with and therefore your DH might have a point.

I must have done, you will need to explain it better

I'm lost. Is the close friend's daughter your DHs daughter? If so, why do you not want him speaking to his ex about the behaviour of THEIR daughter? Of course he is going to be annoyed if his daughter has defaced property. If close friends daughter is not his daughter then I'm lost as to how a step daughter comes into this?

Ugh. Just stop.

Depressing

you have no access to any money. That’s really, deeply, concerning.

Op does have access to money, but her husband doesn't want her to use that money.

I think he is making the point that she should ask the girl's mother.

I would be very pissed off aswell if I were your husband. Fair enough if the girl was under 4 but at 9, unless she has SEN there is absoloutley no excuse for her to be scribbling on other peoples belongings!

Haven't RTFT but he is most likely trying to make a point that the friend's mother should be paying and if you aren't prepared to let him ask for her to do so that's why he says you should.

Also if she has done this across numerous places/items what were you doing not that I don't think a 9 year old should know this is unacceptable behaviour?

I agree with your dh - sounds like he has sussed the child. Unless she has lots of additional need, this is utterly unacceptable at 9. 9!!

If she's your friend, don't have her round. You need to support your dd in making better friends. Get your friend round and show her the damage. Happened to me once with a friend of ds's - admittedly they were 4. They pulled stuff off his sister's wall. Was definitely led by the other kid but I got the parent to come and look with me - we had stern words with the boys and fixed it together.

At 9, no way would I expect children to behave like this. It's appalling and unacceptable.

Why don’t you have a job?

Have you checked you’re using acetone based remover? Many are now acetone free & won’t lift permanent markers the same way acetone will.

Why don’t you have access to your own money?

Does he?

Slightly shocked at 9 they did that...I've an 8 year old. She and her friends never do that. Take it there some sens. Very strange. I'll talk to parent re this and yes can see why your husband is upset

You won't get an answer.

Both your friend and you are pisstakers.

You don't work and don't pay for anything. None of your children are his. A 9 YEAR old drew on 'walls, radiators, clothes' and his stuff. You don't see a big deal, as it's ONLY 60 and offered to replace his things with his own money, because you don't work and don't have anything.

And yet plenty going on about him being abusive and LTB. And then what? They don't have any children together, so no maintenance, she'll be out on her arse with 3 kids and no job. Half a house maybe, if they own, nothing - if they rent. Best of luck with that.

What do you mean he isn't supporting 6 children? He should be with his 3 and then you said you have no money?

@ByZanyLion

Money has become a very contentious issue sin our marriage.

I don't expect that you'll be back to see this, but if money is 'contentious' and you want that to stop, then you'll need to find a source of income for yourself. And it should follow that he'll take on some of the domestic load to facilitate you returning to work.

And I don't expect I'll see an answer to this question either, but here goes. You say you have 'no income'. Do you not get maintenance for your own three children? I realize that CM is meant for the children's needs and am not suggesting they do without so you can pay for the damage out of what is meant for their needs. But I'm just curious as to what you mean by 'no income'. Because if you have no income and no CMS, then your DH IS supporting 6 children.

I find this really odd. Men express themselves differently from women. People get angry and shout. It's almost like there's an expectation for men to express themselves in a way that is acceptable to only women. There's no space in your thinking for the full emotions of her partner to be safely expressed. The op is taking the mick and is in a financially precarious position. You won't get half as some other posters said and he won't have any responsibility for your children if you do separate. You cannot house or feed your own children if you cannot afford 60 this is crazy.

I don’t understand? You aren’t working so it sounds like he is supporting your 3. Plus he’s surely supporting his own 3??

I’m with the husband here.

visitor kid wrecks the place, DH wants her family to cover the cost.

OP says no, she will, but DH points out that since the OP doesn’t have the money herself it’s essentially him paying for the damage