Husband on the war path again. Wants me to pay but I have no money

[ByZanyLion]

A close friends daughter was visiting my house for a play date with my daughter. The two girls are in the same class and a very good friends.

During the play date the girl scribbled on the wall and a few other places with a permanent marker. I only found out about this after she had gone home. The girls are both 9 and this has never happened before. DH has lost his ; he wants to confront the mother. I told him that I’ll deal with it but he isn’t happy. He doesn’t want her in our house again, nor her mother.

She scribbled on two things of his, which is what he is mostly angry about. I told him, I’ll replace the items, because my friend won’t have the money, as she is going through a fair tough situation herself, and I don’t want to add to her burden. DH isn’t sympathetic to her plight. He has basically said that either she needs to pay or I need to pay using my own money, and not our family money. However, I don’t work and don’t have another source of income.

I am slightly taken aback by his insistence I need to use my own money. FYI Its only £60 to replace the items.

There's a lot to unpick here. For a start, if I'd scribbled on anything I shouldn't after the age of about three, all hell would have broken loose. You sound far too inclined to let this child behave badly: why is that? Your friend may be having a difficult time financially, but your husband tells you that you must pay for things out of your own money when you have no money, so what does he expect you to do? You don't sound any better off than your friend. She should pay for the damage, even if it's over several weeks. She should also be sorting out her child's behaviour.

Your husband is right to be angry, this girl wouldn't be welcome in my house that's for sure.

Of course he should confront the mother, why wouldn't he? She needs to pay for the damage.

Money has become a very contentious issue sin our marriage.

Is he pissed off that you aren't working? Is he funding you and your 3 children?

You certainly seem to have a pretty cavalier attitude to money with the 'it's only £60' comments, when you don't have any money of your own.

Why don’t you work @ByZanyLion . Time to get a job I think and not be financially reliant on a man who is on the war path.

“I told him, I’ll replace the items,
He has basically said that either she needs to pay or I need to pay using my own money, and not our family money. However, I don’t work and don’t have another source of income.
I am slightly taken aback by his insistence I need to use my own money. FYI Its only £60 to replace the items.”

You told him you’d replace the damaged items but what you actually meant is you will go get the items and he will have to pay for them, why should he pay, the damage was done whilst in your care so yes you should pay if you’re not going to mention it to the mother

If he is not funding your children then you must have your own income? So why not use that to pay for this?

you say you have no other income than joint family money yet say he is not supporting your children. Both things cannot he true.

Good luck getting a straight answer from this OP!

The usual mn response, eh.
Dh came home late from work =leave him, he's having an affair.
dh burned the dinner= leave him he's abusive
Dh won't buy me a diamond tiara= leave him cos its financial abuse. 😂

So to summarise @ByZanyLion

9yo defaced multiple items in your house including your DH’s personal effects

You don’t want to ask the child’s mother to pay for the damage

You tell your DH that you will replace his things and fix the damage as it is “only” £60

However, you don’t have an income

So you will replace the items using family money, which will in part be your DH’s share of money.

And you are wondering why he is pissed off? I am so annoyed on his behalf!

How do you pay for your children then?
Why don't you work?

I would start looking for a job because either he's going to end the marriage or you should

Hand sanitizer gets that off

Tbf though if you don't work then it's just him paying to replace his own items isn't it.

I appreciate brevity as much as the next woman, but you need to put relevant information in your OP and then expand a bit more in subsequent comments.

Sounds like he isn't happy with you not working?
Being a SAHM has to be by mutual agreement and it sounds like he isn't happy with it.

It sounds like the child is struggling herself. I am not condoning bad behavior, but obviously if this has never happened before,it is out of character.

You and your husband have 3 kids each. You say you don't work and have no other income. You say your husband doesn't support 6 kids. You also say money is a contentious topic.

So whose children is your husband supporting and how many? £60 to cover a child's vandalism is a good chunk of change here. Why would you not approach your friend to pay that? Why aren't you working if money is an issue in your marriage?

I think you should talk to your friend. At 9 it isn’t really reasonable to scribble on stuff.

Also I would be more concerned about spiteful comments to your child. Again they’re 9 , some kids do still do this but I wouldn’t think it was acceptable after about 7.

Your dh probably doesn’t mean it, especially if you have no income of your own.

You say money is a topic of contention between you. Do you think he wants you to work? Perhaps ask him if you’re unsure.

Oh come on. When he earnt the money in the first place you can call it 'discretionary spending money for OP' all you like but he's the one going to have to work another couple of hours to earn money to replace what's spent on this. I can absolutely see why he's pissed off!

I kind of agree with the husband that the girl sounds like a bit of a bully, she made your daughter cry last visit by being mean and vandalised your house with permanent marker this visit (my 4 year old knows better than to scribble on walls and furniture)

You need to 100% tell the Mum and at least request that she pays something, if her daughter has zero consequences your daughter is going to end up being this girls doormat and she's going to become an entitled brat who thinks she's untouchable (or at least knows that your daughter can be her victim because you'll do absolutley nothing, not even tell her Mum)

Also I agree you should probably try and get a job to get some financial independence.

I don't agree with your husband being on the war path and hope this isn't an indication of abuse rather than justified frustration but if I was in his boots I'd be pretty pissed off too if you refused to make the person responsible for damaging my stuff pay for it and expected me to just suck it up.

This makes it even worse as it's not his child but he's the one who's possessions have been trashed by a visiting kid

We all know that children occasionally do naughty things and that small-ish unexpected expenses occasionally occur. That's just daily life.

In a normally functioning family, the adults have a short discussion and calmly agree on how they want to handle it. There's no fighting, because it's a very minor issue, nothing a well-balanced adult would likely fly off the handle about.

Your husband being "on the warpath" especially "AGAIN" over small daily type bumps like a nine-year-old guest misbehaving and costing a few bucks, well that sounds like there's a deeper issue here that desperately needs to be dealt with.

You and your kids shouldn't have to deal with a baby-man's tantrums, unreasonable demands or financial abuse. I'd drag him to marriage counseling to get to the bottom of why he thinks a nine-year-old child should behave reasonably when he can't even do that himself.

Don't let him bully you or your children with that kind of craziness. It only guarantees more of the same. Good luck.

A 9 year old knows better than to draw on people's things. She doesn't want to come to your house. She told your daughter that they aren't friends and now she's misbehaved. Listen to her, she's not your daughter's friend. Meet your friend at the park or somewhere the children can play with other children. Don't invite the friend and her daughter over together again. You can see your friend when the children are at school.
Tell your friend, she needs to talk to her daughter, even a small contribution would help placate your husband. If it was my child I would empty their piggy bank out to pay for the damage.
You need a part time job and to contribute to the household finances, and to be able to be a little independent.

No wonder there is an issue with children’s behaviour in society and schools!

OP saying he isn’t supporting 6 kids could mean so many things. It may mean her kids father is supporting her three, but it could also actually mean some or all of her
partners kids are adults so he is “just” supporting her 3 kids. Or something else! She is being deliberately vague it seems.

At any rate, I’d be angry if I were him too. He didn’t want this kid around (for good reason) you ignored that, had her round, she vandalises his things and then you refuse to ask the mother to pay for it and effectively insist he pay for the damage. Outrageous!

You need a job @ByZanyLion. Money is an issue in your marriage. You need a of financial independence. Then if he's a dick at least you'll have the means to leave him.

9 year olds shouldn't be scribbling on walls. I'm not surprised he's cross but she's 9. If she's in your house you need to be adequately supervising her. Still his reaction is a bit extreme.