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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband on the war path again. Wants me to pay but I have no money

750 replies

ByZanyLion · 17/04/2025 17:12

A close friends daughter was visiting my house for a play date with my daughter. The two girls are in the same class and a very good friends.

During the play date the girl scribbled on the wall and a few other places with a permanent marker. I only found out about this after she had gone home. The girls are both 9 and this has never happened before. DH has lost his ; he wants to confront the mother. I told him that I’ll deal with it but he isn’t happy. He doesn’t want her in our house again, nor her mother.

She scribbled on two things of his, which is what he is mostly angry about. I told him, I’ll replace the items, because my friend won’t have the money, as she is going through a fair tough situation herself, and I don’t want to add to her burden. DH isn’t sympathetic to her plight. He has basically said that either she needs to pay or I need to pay using my own money, and not our family money. However, I don’t work and don’t have another source of income.

I am slightly taken aback by his insistence I need to use my own money. FYI Its only £60 to replace the items.

OP posts:
CiscoTS · 17/04/2025 19:14

faerietales · 17/04/2025 19:10

Don't expect an answer, OP has been asked that multiple times but keeps dodging the question or giving irrelevant answers.

You also may get told off by other posters for daring to ask questions, just as an FYI Grin

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I don’t care about the other posters 😂😂 - been here 15 years and have a skin like a rhino thanks to this site 😂😂

I guess she’s avoiding answering because she has no real answer, save for just not wanting to work (who does?!).

Thisismetooaswell · 17/04/2025 19:15

If you weren’t supervising, how do you know it wasn’t your daughter who scribbled on the wall? (Not criticising, I wouldnt really have done much supervising of 9 year olds either)

localnotail · 17/04/2025 19:16

I would be bloody annoyed, too. 9 year old is not a toddler, she knew what she was doing. I would not allow this kid in the house again, ever.

And yes - I would make mum pay. She needs to have a word with her kid.

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 17/04/2025 19:16

Ughn0tryte · 17/04/2025 19:11

At 9 years old, I would expect both girls to take a small financial responsibility for their decision to destroy someone else's things.
I would expect something that your daughter is expecting to get (Easter Egg etc) be removed and the cost of this be put towards the payment.
I would leave the other mum to decide how her daughter is going to raise a few pounds to contribute.
At 9 years old, I wouldn't be watching them at all. I would leave them to their own devices in your daughter's bedroom.
He is taking this out on the wrong person.
He's condescending and on a power trip. It's him trying to prove he's got more control over money that you.
But you need to remind him of things you have more control over, that you would never hold over his head because we all have different parts to play in the family.
Let him calm down. If he hasn't calmed down by tomorrow then I would pack and tell him he needs to stay else where for a few days.
Yes, she was wrong for scribbling on walls with her friend (did someone encourage the other on? Is this a learning opportunity for not being peer pressured?) But no he can't intimidate your friend so you're more isolated and doesn't feel like she can visit you... which can be coercive control/dv.

So he should be kicked out of his house for being annoyed that his things have been deliberately damaged and he has to replace them himself.

LovingLimePeer · 17/04/2025 19:17

I think husband is justified in being angry about this, and in his request. Someone needs to take responsibility for this damage and if the OP is not willing to (forgive the expression) 'man up' and speak with the parent of this child, then she needs to shoulder responsibility for the damage herself.

She arranged the playdate, therefore she should bear the burden to follow this up with the parent of the child and put things right. Her husband had nothing to do with the playdate and should not have to suffer either the financial responsibility or mental burden of fixing or replacing his own belongings damaged by this child, who at the age of 9 should know better.

ANiceBigCupOfTea · 17/04/2025 19:17

OP this is simple. The girl defaced his property so the mum does need to pay. She's not a toddler and is old enough to know better. The mum should have outright offered to pay and not left you in this situation.
There's a rhetoric on this thread that your husband is a dick or a bully but he supports the household financially and treats your daughter as his own by the sound of it. That's not a bad man in my book.
Is there a reason you don't have your own money? I know you say money is a contentious issue but I know that even though I'm the higher earner in my marriage, if my DH was out of work tomorrow my wages would stretch to keep us and not a whole lot more. There'd be no personal money for either of us as such. Maybe this is an issue because your husband is struggling and you as a household need more money coming in.

Happilyobtuse · 17/04/2025 19:18

Arlanymor · 17/04/2025 18:32

Bizarre isn’t it?

Show quote history

And the other really strange thing is why didn’t OP’s daughter saying anything while this child was doing so much damage?! I have a 4 year old and an 8 year old, a friend’s kid came for a play date and lifted my kids plastic slide and whacked it into a wall causing the wall to be damaged. The kid was an 8 year old boy, both my kids came running to tell me immediately, they were 3 and 7 then. If my child kept quiet till I found out then they were probably involved!

SALaw · 17/04/2025 19:18

@ByZanyLion”It was across several places in the house, walls, radiators, clothes. He is on the war path because last time she was here, she told my daughter that she wasn’t her friend and my daughter burst into tears. I’ve put this down to kids being kids but he thinks she is a nasty bully, showing her true colours. He basically dislikes her.”

He sounds totally justified in not liking her?! That’s utterly outrageous behaviour by a 9 year old, especially at someone else’s house. He’s totally right to want you to tell the mother and get her to pay. But you don’t want that so said “I’ll pay”. What did you mean by that if you don’t have money?! If he doesn’t agree with not going to the mother (rightly, in my view) why SHOULD family money be used?!

Crazybaby123 · 17/04/2025 19:23

As the higher earner in my house, I am trying to imagine, if my husband was supervising a playdate and I came home from work and my 9 year old had a friend round and there was permanent marker all over the walls, radiators and my personal new items, and he said he won't raise it with the other childs parents, even though the other child did the damage. And that I should just suck it up because he refuses to raise it with the other childs parents or contribute to the costs in any way. Even though the other child is also a mean bully to my child.
How I would react??
I can honestly say, I probably would be very angry, and react like your husband.

MrsMappFlint · 17/04/2025 19:25

By refusing to ask your friend, you are in fact, asking him to pay instead for his own stuff while the culprit walks free.

Someone has to pay-do you think it should be him?

Of course not.

It should be the girl's mother. It is entirely up to you whether you want to follow this through with her and you are entitled not to ask her if you don't want to do so. However, that does mean that you, in her stead should have to pay, with money that you were going to spend on yourself.

Presumably, you sometimes buy clothes, knickers, lipstick, a coffee, a bar of chocolate, have your hair done? What you will have to do is forgo one or more of these things in order to pay.

That's your choice. You will be paying your friend's bill-very noble-but your husband should't be paying it.

Waterweight · 17/04/2025 19:26

ByZanyLion · 17/04/2025 17:31

It was across several places in the house, walls, radiators, clothes. He is on the war path because last time she was here, she told my daughter that she wasn’t her friend and my daughter burst into tears. I’ve put this down to kids being kids but he thinks she is a nasty bully, showing her true colours. He basically dislikes her.

Show quote history

It might be time to cool the friendship as they are clearly not getting on & your daughter being encouraged (& not being mature enough to not) draw on multiple things that will anger her father is a pretty shitty thing to do by both of them

Tell her mum what's happening & that you think they need a break from each other for a few months

ZoggyStirdust · 17/04/2025 19:29

Lollipop81 · 17/04/2025 18:58

This

Show quote history

Can you explain what is abusive here?

SoSoLong · 17/04/2025 19:29

This thread reminds me of the one where the DH was supporting 3 step children, paying for a cleaner to deal with his own children's rooms and laundry, the OP wasn't working but she was moaning that the cleaner wasn't helping her with her own housework. Same level of entitlement.

Pippinsdiary · 17/04/2025 19:30

Silvertulips · 17/04/2025 17:24

I’d be pissed off if I was your husband too

Why? Kids cause damage - yes 9 year olds should know better - not shit happens!

No one died!

Id get an evening job so you at least have some money for yourself regardless of his income and he can look after the kids.

Reap what you sow.

You can still be pissed off just because no one died?

Liz1tummypain · 17/04/2025 19:30

You're married. Your money is his money. You're married to a nitwit. Good luck OP.

Pippinsdiary · 17/04/2025 19:31

Crazybaby123 · 17/04/2025 19:23

As the higher earner in my house, I am trying to imagine, if my husband was supervising a playdate and I came home from work and my 9 year old had a friend round and there was permanent marker all over the walls, radiators and my personal new items, and he said he won't raise it with the other childs parents, even though the other child did the damage. And that I should just suck it up because he refuses to raise it with the other childs parents or contribute to the costs in any way. Even though the other child is also a mean bully to my child.
How I would react??
I can honestly say, I probably would be very angry, and react like your husband.

Exactly. People are so desperate to start slagging men off on this site

GivingUpFinally · 17/04/2025 19:34

Sorry but your friend and her daughter are responsible for this. At 9 and year 4 I'm guessing. She knows better. It was willful destruction of someone else's property. She wouldn't hopefully do this in her own home. I don't blame your H for not wanting her there. I'd feel the same. It's a gross lack of respect shown to you, your home, your H and to your daughter. Why would you want to expose your child to someone who behaves like that?

Saying you'll pay, (with family money) is an easy out. You aren't actually confronting or solving the problem. Just throwing his money at it.

It doesn't matter that your friend is having a tough time. You are having a tough time as well from the sounds of it. She needs to deal with this and educate her child on how to behave in other peoples homes. Tbh, if she was my kid I'd want to know and the money would be repaid from her pocket money or she would be made to work it back. Either a home or by doing odd jobs appropriate for 9 yo at your home to make up for it. Actions have consequences. By 9 this should be understood.

ZoggyStirdust · 17/04/2025 19:34

Crazybaby123 · 17/04/2025 19:23

As the higher earner in my house, I am trying to imagine, if my husband was supervising a playdate and I came home from work and my 9 year old had a friend round and there was permanent marker all over the walls, radiators and my personal new items, and he said he won't raise it with the other childs parents, even though the other child did the damage. And that I should just suck it up because he refuses to raise it with the other childs parents or contribute to the costs in any way. Even though the other child is also a mean bully to my child.
How I would react??
I can honestly say, I probably would be very angry, and react like your husband.

You’d post it on here and be told he is an abusive cocklodger and you should leave him immediately.

no doubt by some of the posters blaming the husband on this thread

Eveningstart · 17/04/2025 19:36

Depressing to think of “families” like this

diddl · 17/04/2025 19:38

And the other really strange thing is why didn’t OP’s daughter saying anything while this child was doing so much damage?!

I wondered about that & thought that perhaps she was frightened too or was joining in!

WimbyAce · 17/04/2025 19:39

Does the child get pocket money? As a 9 year old scribbling on anything other than paper is unacceptable, they should be paying for the damage. I hope you gave them both a bo##ocking tbh.

WhyCantIGetItTogether · 17/04/2025 19:40

I have RTFT and didn’t see that you’ve spoken to the friend’s mum about this. Please let her know about the damage. Honestly I’d be fuming over this and wouldn’t want to minimise the whole thing. I understand your husband’s irritation because at the age of 9 it was unacceptable behaviour.

diddl · 17/04/2025 19:40

FYI Its only £60 to replace the items.

Then perhaps you can easily find such a small amount somehow?

tiredottoman · 17/04/2025 19:41

Sounds to me like there is built up resentment that you’re not working, so can’t pay to replace the items.
If you have no income, he’d be replacing them using his own money.

SALaw · 17/04/2025 19:42

Liz1tummypain · 17/04/2025 19:30

You're married. Your money is his money. You're married to a nitwit. Good luck OP.

The man doesn’t want family money paying for the feral child’s vandalism. Isn’t that fair enough?! He WANTS the child’s mother to pay. Is that fair enough? But the OP said “no I’ll pay”. So… SHE should pay?!