Husband on the war path again. Wants me to pay but I have no money

[ByZanyLion]

A close friends daughter was visiting my house for a play date with my daughter. The two girls are in the same class and a very good friends.

During the play date the girl scribbled on the wall and a few other places with a permanent marker. I only found out about this after she had gone home. The girls are both 9 and this has never happened before. DH has lost his ; he wants to confront the mother. I told him that I’ll deal with it but he isn’t happy. He doesn’t want her in our house again, nor her mother.

She scribbled on two things of his, which is what he is mostly angry about. I told him, I’ll replace the items, because my friend won’t have the money, as she is going through a fair tough situation herself, and I don’t want to add to her burden. DH isn’t sympathetic to her plight. He has basically said that either she needs to pay or I need to pay using my own money, and not our family money. However, I don’t work and don’t have another source of income.

I am slightly taken aback by his insistence I need to use my own money. FYI Its only £60 to replace the items.

How is it financially abusive? Assuming the choice to be a SAHP is a joint one, the only source of income would be from the WOHP’s salary.

And regardless of who brings in what money, I would be annoyed if family money had to be used to clear up this mess when the OP has refused to ask the child’s parent for the money. It would be different if she had asked and they refused/couldn’t pay but to just do/say nothing?

Have you tried WD40 it’s my go too ! Also I sense your husband has a bee in his bonnet, ie an issue and he blown his top over this marker pen situation.

I was with you until this bit, scribbling in permanent marker all over your house and bullying your daughter in her oen home. I would be livid too. It sounds like the marker was deliberate to cause issues. I wouldn't have this child in my house again either and would ask the mother to pay. I actually wouldn't usually, kids come round and accidently break a toy for example, its normal, but this sounds so contrived and deliberate that I think your husband is right.

@ByZanyLion

Define 'on the warpath'. That can be anything from being 'simply' angry to out and out shouting and verbal abuse.

I don't blame him for being angry. This 9 year old (who is old enough to know better) has mistreated your child and has now damaged, possibly permanently, things in your home. I'd be angry, too. At this point I'd probably be saying that I don't want the child in the house either, since you and the child's mother don't seem to keep a sufficient eye on her.

As far as paying for the damage, the mother should have volunteered to either pay for it, part of it, or to actively try to repair the damage herself. Going through a 'hard time' doesn't absolve one from basic manners and the responsibilities involved in being a good friend.

And you saying "I will pay for it", well yes and no. You aren't paying for it out of your own pocket per se because you have no 'wage' earnings. You want to pay for it out of your and DH's 'communal pocket' that consists of his earnings. But your 'share' of the communal pocket should be attributed to your domestic work in the home. So it's fair to say that he would be paying for half of the repairs/replacements from his salary with the other half coming out of your 'in kind earnings'.

Why not?

ETask is he supporting all of his biological children?

Erm, no they don’t- this wasn’t accidental

It’s clear that your friendship here is more important than your children op.
she is a bully and you downplayed that, then she trashed your house with a marker and you have an excuse for that.
you are so desperate to be friends with this woman that you are allowing this horribly behaved child continually in your home. I’m on your dh side here.

She can leave him and sort out her own income. Doubt she’ll be better off

The girl is 9 years old not 9 months. She knows better and I actually think it's fair her mother is held accountable. What did your DD say about it? I get the impression she is kind of a bully and she definitely would not be invited back if it was my house

Then why haven’t you gone back to work?

I'm entirely on his side.

Tell the mother, she needs to know, her daughters behaviour can't be let go.

Paying for it out of family money, not yours, means HE is paying to replace shit SHE vandalised.

If you're going to insist on paying for it, YOU pay for it.. or you grow a pair and tell the mother so SHE can pay.

WTH should he pay to replace his shit she vandalised?

Good grief.

I agree that these things happen. I understand that he's not fond of the child (let's not pretend that all children are a delight, they're not), but it is not a hill to die on. He's being disproportionate.

On the other hand, it might be worth noting the two events, "you're not my friend" and the drawing on things (nine is quite old to do that in someone else's house) and keeping a firmer eye if you have them over again.

The ops friends daughter/ daughters friend scribbled on the walls, not his daughter.

I agree that these things happen

FFS, these things do NOT happen - the child is 9 years old. This is completely unacceptable at this age (assuming no learning difficulties etc).

Professional cleaner here. Never use acetone or nail varnish remover, it strips any protective layers on items, especially leather. For pens and permanent marker, use hand sanitiser or a dry marker over the permanent marker (the sanitiser works best). For crayon, use wd40 with a clean sponge or cloth and follow up with washing up liquid in warm water to take the residue off.

People are asking questions to get more understanding of the situation.

Of course OP doesn't have to reply if she doesn't want to, but there's no need for you to get all faux-aggressive on her behalf 😂

Are you sure it wasn't both the kids together? I would be cross with a pair of 9 year olds behaving like this too but I think he is over reacting and it is very unreasonable to ask you to pay, knowing you don't have your own income! That feels quite cruel and controlling to me. I would probably not have the same girl over again unless they were very heavily supervised!

Don't expect an answer, OP has been asked that multiple times but keeps dodging the question or giving irrelevant answers.

You also may get told off by other posters for daring to ask questions, just as an FYI

I don’t think it’s right to say it’s only 60 pounds but then also not be willing to then pay out of your own pocket. Someone was responsible for letting her scribble on multiple places in your house and it’s definitely not your husband, so I think you should suck it up

At 9 years old, I would expect both girls to take a small financial responsibility for their decision to destroy someone else's things.
I would expect something that your daughter is expecting to get (Easter Egg etc) be removed and the cost of this be put towards the payment.
I would leave the other mum to decide how her daughter is going to raise a few pounds to contribute.
At 9 years old, I wouldn't be watching them at all. I would leave them to their own devices in your daughter's bedroom.
He is taking this out on the wrong person.
He's condescending and on a power trip. It's him trying to prove he's got more control over money that you.
But you need to remind him of things you have more control over, that you would never hold over his head because we all have different parts to play in the family.
Let him calm down. If he hasn't calmed down by tomorrow then I would pack and tell him he needs to stay else where for a few days.
Yes, she was wrong for scribbling on walls with her friend (did someone encourage the other on? Is this a learning opportunity for not being peer pressured?) But no he can't intimidate your friend so you're more isolated and doesn't feel like she can visit you... which can be coercive control/dv.

Why on earth haven’t you got a job OP? It doesn’t sound like you have young children.

Support yourself- it sounds like you need to.

Why don’t you work?

If money is a contentious issue, why are you continuing to make yourself vulnerable by not having your own income?

I was going to say the same. Op said it was on walls, radiators, husbands personal items and generally all around her house and she can't remove it. I would be livid. 9 years old is way too old for this not to have been a deliberate act by this girl.
Accidently going off page onto a table while colouring is one thing, but to go around a house and actually intentionally draw on stuff when you are 9 is terrible.

OK... but you don't have any money and you don't work so even with CMS from your children's father(s) he will still be supporting you and your children since you live together. You don't seem to have any sense of money and responsabilities saying "it's just 60£" of damage. Yet you don't have it so it's not "just 60£", is it? It's easy to be nonchalant when you're not the one having to work to earn the money.

Your DH sounds sensible : ofcourse your friend should reimburse him. I have been working with children for a long time and the only 9 year old I have crossed who would do such a thing is severely disabled. I think she did do what she did knowing perfectly well that it's forbidden. Her mum should pay. And it's weird that your DP feels more protective about your DD than you do having picked up on friend's bullying tendencies towards your DD.

My sympathies are with your DD and your DP.

I don’t get the impression the op is very passive. I think she just expects her husband to give her an easy life