For having reacted the way I did when I caught my 14 year old daughter’s…

[madonninamia]

Boyfriend in her room last night at 1am?
He must’ve crept in while I was sleeping and it was only ‘cause I had to go to the loo that I saw a light under her bedroom door and thought she was on her phone that I walked in and saw him shoot out of her bed like lightning. Thank god they were both in pjs although my daughter was wearing tiny shorts and vest that I’d never seen before.

God knows what my neighbours must have thought as I did some major screeching first in shock when I saw him leap out of the bed in the semi dark but I was just so upset that she would already be sneaking about like this. I admit I was doing the exact same thing but I was 16/17 at the time, and me and my boyfriend had been together more than a year before I was even ready to start having sex with him. 14 is too young to be having her boyfriend round for frigging “sleepovers”, isn’t it?!?
My mind is blown, they’ve been together a couple of months now, they are both 14 and as I stupidly believed pretty innocent and sweet. Of course I had the talk after I noticed how into each other they were and I broached her about sex but she promised she wasn’t wanting to do anything like that. She knows that having sex at 14 is considered way too young (illegal!) but after last night I’m having serious doubts about where they are at in their relationship.

I’m at a loss what to do, my DH was of little help last night as he stumbled about half asleep and not knowing what to do or say when the boyfriend was looking like a deer in headlights last night. He’s at work now lucky git, I took time off work due to Easter hols, we were going to go out shopping today but that’s not going to happen now.
How in hell do I go about this? Ground her? Take away her social media? I don’t even know his parents but I think I should contact them to let them know their son is sneaking out in the middle of the night and cycling 3 miles to sleep with his girlfriend, shouldn’t I? Any advice would be gladly appreciated as at the moment I’ve not slept much and all I want to do is lock her in her bedroom until she turns 16.

Kids grow up fast nowadays, it might help if you include when you were 16/17 years old? If it's the 90s or 80s then yea that would be normal back then but now they get exploded to sexual imagery even pornography from a very young age. I wouldn't go too hard on them because it might cause a communication gap between you and your DD if she believes you can't see reason. I know it sounds shocking I'm trying to defend the actions of a defiant, somewhat reckless child, but I think the bond between mother and daughter should be preserved as much as possible.

Where did screaming get you? What advantage did you gain from screaming? What will grounding her do other than make her frightened to come and tell you anything from now on because of your unstable reactions.

Give her some respect, show her how to treat you with respect, make her feel comfortable enough to talk about relationships with you, and put her on the pill and get her a box of condoms. Even though she is way too young, it's better she has precaution than end up a pregnant 14yr old.

Don't frighten her off with hysterics, but there definitely should be some consequences like taking away her phone for a bit, no TV, no consoles etc

You were very upset, which is understandable.

This is a very important moment when you can build your relationship with her and ensure that she is more open with you in future, rather than sneaking around and doing dangerous things.

Rather than simply punish her I would be wanting her to have a very deep, honest conversation with you about why she made the decision to allow it to happen.

Start by empathising; explain that you have experienced those intense emotions so you know how big it feels, and that their drive is a natural human desire; nothing wrong with wanting to explore another person. The problem is that their decision was not safe, in any way.

Our kids care what we think far more than we believe they do, and building your connection with her by doing this will be a much more powerful deterrent than simply punishing her. You want her to consider the damage to your relationship more than her feelings for this boy.

Ask her what she thinks might be the real reason you reacted the way you did, ask her what she thinks the issues might be. Ask her if she’s discussed with him what they will do if she gets pregnant. (This is to really make her stop and think) Will she keep the baby? Will he look after her? What protection was she using? Does she know she can get pregnant from heavy petting?

I would give him the choice; either you tell his parents immediately or he sits down to discuss it with you beforehand and you will think about the way this is framed. Incidentally, parents of boys often don’t take this as seriously as they should.

if you can discuss it with him ask him how planned it was, how he thinks it might have impacted your feelings about him, how much trust and respect he thinks you should show him now.

Often kids don’t stop to think about the consequences of their actions, and they think it’s just about them; not their relationship with the people around them.

I would have a very calm conversation along these lines then ask her/him what they would do in your position, given what the issues are.

Your end goal needs to be to get their thinking brain engaged because just having penalties won’t work. Talk through the behaviour you expect from them and what your rules are. Ask them if they feel your viewpoint is unacceptable or unreasonable. You want agreement.

Based on what they say you can then decide how much you intend to restrict your daughter and the time she spends with this boy.

Here’s my blog on underage sex
https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/blog/it-might-be-illegal-but-when-did-that-ever-stop-a-teenager/

and another on setting consequences
https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/blog/whats-going-on-when-our-boundaries-and-consequences-dont-seem-to-work/

Good luck!

Don't have him over overnight, make sure all your doors and windows are locked, and alarmed preferably. Talk about contraception, and take her to the doctor's if necessary. Stopping her becoming sexually would be incredibly difficult, and there's a good chance she would just end up hating you.
Talk to her, comparing hers to your experience is not necessarily helpful- she is likely to be far more knowledgeable than you were at her age, talk to her , try and stop her getting hurt, but it's likely you'll fail.

I think I would be having the same feelings as you OP. Honestly I would be really disappointed in my daughters if this were them.

It’s so easy to get angry at this (and rightly so!) but I would worry this might make the situation worse. Have you spoken again to your daughter to see exactly where they are at in their relationship now you’ve caught him sneaking over? I would want to get all the facts again after this before deciding what to do.

My mum caught my sister (at 14) and her older boyfriend in bed together one day. She reacted by screaming and shouting and not listening to my sister which just made her be more careful with sneaking around and got away with much worse than just sleeping next to each other.

Have another conversation with your daughter and be open and honest about your worries and concerns, listen to her and why she is doing what she is. Come up with a compromise (definitely after a grounding!!), can he come over for dinner but not stay etc?

Be clear with her that this is not happening again at home .
Tell his parents .
Stick to your rules & let her know boundaries have been crossed , maybe install a camera so you know he definitely not sneaking in.
She is 14 she will feel like her life is over but she will get over it.
I wouldn't go heavy on grounding or taking away phones this time I'd just make myself blatantly clear if they try it again phone will be gone and she won't be going anywhere unsupervised if she breaks your trust.

Thank you to those of you who have really spent the time to give me your thoughts and advice it’s been amazingly heartwarming I must say :-) and very very helpful.
I do want to point out that my dd HAS NOT had sex! Many replies here seem to be determined to believe that she has which is really strange but luckily I know my daughter pretty well (apart from this massive deception!) and I know she’s being honest at least about this 😅
Those of you who seem to have an ironclad strength with their emotions and have judged me for the lack of mine - lucky you! You all clearly are the gold standards of how I wish I could be, cool as a cucumber and all knowing about how to react under shock and surprise.

Anyway dd has opened up a lot since the terrible discovery, and she been surprisingly candid about what’s been going on with her and even though it’s a struggle to hear how deceitful she’s been these last months I think I’m slowly getting the hang of listening without immediate judgement which is a monumental first for me.
And I have finally met the boyfriend’s mum today so now we are working together on boundaries for them. And that’s all thanks to the suggestions from many fantastic posters on here! 💐

Fantastic to hear a positive outcome! Your daughter will now know she can come to you because you’ve taken the time to listen and develop more trust with her

Why would you let your 14 year old have a phone in their room at night is the first question. Have a rule that bedtime = phones left with mum/dad until the morning.

I share your shock, must have been scary and worrying. Trust your reaction. Your DH needs to get involved. Not only is it a bad choice on their part to sneak in during the middle of the night, it's incredibly unsafe - what if he forced himself on her and she couldn't get help. What if the boy had a cycle accident on the way. All things for them to think about.

No answers, but most of our worst fears here. Hope you're ok.

Great update. I'm relieved you've got communication going with your daughter and the other mother. All the best with it!

I honestly think you are being nieve believing her when she says they haven’t had sex. Not judging you though.

I agree with you the worst part is the deception and then the continued lies. Teens want to have sex/cuddle their bf to a certain extent we should be prepared for dealing with this. But the lies once caught, especially through calm conversations the next day, would have me coming down harsh too.

I just wanted to comment on the pill as you said you would consider that. I went on it for ache at a similar age and it completely messed with my emotions and mental health. Wasn’t until I gave it up late 20’s the fog cleared and I realised how damaging it had been for me. Emotional side effects are very common and in young teens like this it’s not picked up as attributed to normal hormones then you get fibbed of with depression and anxiety because you have ‘always’ been like that. I’d never push my dd to take the pill I feel strongly it ruined my teens and 20’s. that will have to be her own choice with full disclosure from me and told to read the side effects carefully.

Many replies here seem to be determined to believe that she has which is really strange but luckily I know my daughter pretty well (apart from this massive deception!) and I know she’s being honest at least about this 😅

Well you ve got to admit giving you the boyfriend's number and pretending it his mums, and lying to your face about it with excuses why mum isn't replying , and planning and sneaking a boy into her bedroom not once but twice wearing never seen before sexy pjs is quite a big deception.

But at least she's honest eh?

Fear stopped me.

16 not 14 and I had a lovely, loving relationship with my first b/f ( and the next one!)

But I was terrified of getting pregnant.
So I didn't

We stopped at a point and went no further until I was old enough to get contraception (18)

I know it was a long long time ago, but still...

Don't assume your DD wants to have sex with her BF. Her behaviour is appalling however irrespective of whether they were just cuddling or not.

The law changed so that ANY sexual activity is illegal under 16 — not just intercourse. So it really does need to be just cuddling. Remind your DD that the pill/condoms do not prevent pregnancy (I have way too many friends who found that out the hard way). Remind her that it's illegal. Remind her that it's still illegal even if her friend is doing it. And that her friend's Mum can be prosecuted for this. And that teachers have a Safeguarding duty to report any students they suspect are in sexual relationships. Social Services can get involved. Police can get involved. (I'm not saying they WILL... Just that they COULD).

I'm not sure how I'd punish this. With my DC, I'd have probably done the deadly very quiet chat in a coffee shop... Far scarier than any punishment or shouting and incredibly effective for my DC. The lack of punishment and shouting made them feel far far worse because they had nothing to push against, nothing "unfair". Psychological warfare 😂. It ended in lots of tears and apologies. I think if you shout etc she'll just feel more inclined to be sneaky.

It's funny how all the parents i new as a teenager and now as a mother of teenagers who act more like the good friend. And have relaxed rules surrounding sex. Are also the same ones who are shocked when those kids get pregnant very young or have a series of bad relationships that often include drink/drugs .
It's almost like the lack of strick parenting gives these teens the impression they have no consequences to worry about

I found parenting teenagers incredibly hard, OP, because you need to let them grow and experience independence but also protect them from silly decisions. I think she needs to feel the consequences of lying to you and sneaking him in, but you also need to keep the door open for conversation and trust. It's not easy.

Your post reminded me of Dawsons creek! Joey was always climbing into Dawsons bedroom and they must have been that age. Must have been such a shock for you OP.

Go to the childs house and tell his parents. Then ban him from ever stepping foot in the house and ground daughter.
Couple months that crazy. Something not right here. Have yo I told her no BFs until she is 17 and no going out at night until she is able to pay for it herself. Pay for a taxi etc.

IMO I’d ensure she’s on the pill despite you believing she hasn’t had sex. You do not want her getting pregnant. Also buy her some condoms and just leave them in her room.
Make some boundaries but also don’t be too strict on them as they will just sneak around anyway! I remember what I was like at this age and the more leniency my mum had, the more I was likely to tell her the truth.

So glad that you're working with the other mum - I'm betting that she's as worried about the possible consequences as you are.

FGS did none of you sneak around as teenagers?!

I totally get why you’re upset op.
But now is the time to be calm if you want honesty from her. She needs to know she can talk to you about anything.

Ah just read your update. Good job mamma 🙌

Jesus wept.

Sounds like a good update op, such a tricky line to navigate. Glad you have meet the other parents and wishing you luck.

My heart goes out to you. Been through something similar with my daughter and it completely threw me. Tell your daughter that you and she are going to have a talk soon. Wait until you feel more centred and calm, because it matters what you say and you do not need to be in a reactive frame of mind. Get some professional help...whatever form that takes.. perhaps having a chat with your trusted GP - who will have probably seen every issue imaginable and will be able to provide you with support and another perspective. You are not a bad mom and this is not your fault.. 14 is the new 18 lol (although I'm not really laughing). Best of luck with it all x