For having reacted the way I did when I caught my 14 year old daughter’s…

[madonninamia]

Boyfriend in her room last night at 1am?
He must’ve crept in while I was sleeping and it was only ‘cause I had to go to the loo that I saw a light under her bedroom door and thought she was on her phone that I walked in and saw him shoot out of her bed like lightning. Thank god they were both in pjs although my daughter was wearing tiny shorts and vest that I’d never seen before.

God knows what my neighbours must have thought as I did some major screeching first in shock when I saw him leap out of the bed in the semi dark but I was just so upset that she would already be sneaking about like this. I admit I was doing the exact same thing but I was 16/17 at the time, and me and my boyfriend had been together more than a year before I was even ready to start having sex with him. 14 is too young to be having her boyfriend round for frigging “sleepovers”, isn’t it?!?
My mind is blown, they’ve been together a couple of months now, they are both 14 and as I stupidly believed pretty innocent and sweet. Of course I had the talk after I noticed how into each other they were and I broached her about sex but she promised she wasn’t wanting to do anything like that. She knows that having sex at 14 is considered way too young (illegal!) but after last night I’m having serious doubts about where they are at in their relationship.

I’m at a loss what to do, my DH was of little help last night as he stumbled about half asleep and not knowing what to do or say when the boyfriend was looking like a deer in headlights last night. He’s at work now lucky git, I took time off work due to Easter hols, we were going to go out shopping today but that’s not going to happen now.
How in hell do I go about this? Ground her? Take away her social media? I don’t even know his parents but I think I should contact them to let them know their son is sneaking out in the middle of the night and cycling 3 miles to sleep with his girlfriend, shouldn’t I? Any advice would be gladly appreciated as at the moment I’ve not slept much and all I want to do is lock her in her bedroom until she turns 16.

@May09Bump
In that case, why did your kids not bail themselves out with some kind of excuse rather than calling you. They are underage and this behaviour oversteps our house boundaries by a mile

Of course this behaviour oversteps boundaries. I am certainly not condoning it. My pov is that I wouldn't go to the extreme that you were going on about if you were in that situation and how how would take the law in their own hands and the lad would be lucky to survive.

As for you pulling my kids up needing help when they wwre very young, did your kids know how to deal with every situation all the time?
In time children build resilience and expierence but faced with
peer pressure to do something they don't want to do for the first time I feel glad they turned to me for support rather than do something stupid. I gave them tactics and strategies on how to deal with group pressure from.mates for the future. Isn't that a parents job? Shouldn't they feel comfortable knowing you have their backs and can get help about anything?

I wasn't talking about underage sex. That was something that i didn't have to deal with.( I'm not saying it didn't happen, I'm saying an issue wasn't bought to.my attention) I would have gone mad if it was my dd sneaking her boyfriend in at night!

2 out of 3 of my teen DDs had sex at 14. Not what I’d have chosen for them. And in retrospect not what they’d have chosen for themselves. Both were long term relationships. It’s incredibly common. I was very cross about the lying. But you can’t turn back time. Have a sensible conversation about contraception and porn and consent. I really insisted about condoms, STI tests, and the girls keeping the fact they were on the pill private.

Goodness me. Talk about desperately trying to push all blame off your own child

How did you find out? How old are your Dads now?

Can you be in a “long term relationship” at 14?!

Yes it’s too young- I agree.
Dont spoil your Easter by grounding her and going mad. Speak kindly to her and explain your concerns. She’s more likely to listen and respect your wishes then.

Let her know it won’t be happening again. Cheeky doing that. She’s pushing it. You also need to let his parents know, yes.

I'm not pushing blame off OP's daughter. Of course she shouldn't be letting her bf into her parents home at night. Of course she shouldn't be having her bf in her bed. And of course OP should having serious words with her about what happened and there should be consequences .

But there is a lot of pressure on young girls to have sex by society in general and by their own peers.

And tbh I really dislike the reaction from.some that because this has happened the girl should be pointed in the direction of making sure she has contraception. To me this also gives the girl the message that of course it's OK to have sex at 14. That having sex at that age is what she should be doing.
That to my mind also adds pressure on to the girl to have sex.

So yes the OP needs to talk to her own dd about this unacceptable behaviour.
But what the boy did was very serious and his parents need to know what he has done and take appropriate action.

If they have started to have sex, they will carry on having sex, regardless of what you do or say next. Pulling the wool over your eyes will result in nothing good. At least encouraging contraception will help prevent pregnancy/STIs etc, and keeping an open line of communication will help OPs daughter reach out if she feels uncomfortable or out of her depth.

What do you think telling her she can’t do it will lead to? Where will OPs daughter go if she needs the morning after pill, or if she feels the relationship is moving too quickly? Not OP, that’s for sure.

@1SillySossij This is exactly why parents need to ensure their children know from an early age regardless of precautions you can still get STIs & become pregnant. If the girl is under 16 & the boy they have sex with is over 16 it is a criminal offence & he can be charged with having sex with a minor.

If you are saying 'my body my choice' I assume you would also have this attitude at age 13. I hope if you ever have the privilege of having children you bring them up knowing under age sex is a not a good idea.

What do you think telling her she can’t do it will lead to? Where will OPs daughter go if she needs the morning after pill, or if she feels the relationship is moving too quickly?

She's 14. If she is already having sex with this boy the relationship has already moved too quickly.

She is a child and her parents should be parenting her as a child and putting a stop to the relationship. By communication with their daughter and by sanctions if necessary.

And the boys parents should be doing similar with their son.

Absolutely- but many here think it’s ok for this girl to be in such a situation. It’s like so many teenage stages - parenting and setting boundaries. Does this girl want to get school qualifications? It will be difficult to do whilst looking after a baby. Does the op want to be doing 24/7 infant care? The boy gets off free with no responsibility or bodily impact. STD’s that’s a nasty situation and again it’s boundaries on condom use. It’s a lot for a child and no child should be in this situation. Parents, the school, social workers, family planning centres for sex education need to all be involved.

So the upshot of yesterday was just more deception.

The phone number given to me by my dds boyfriend turned out to be his own phone number so the text I wrote went to him. I thought it strange that as the day went on there was no reply. So by 4 I was asking my dd to ask her boyfriend if he knew anything I was being told that his mum was busy with work (she works from home). Eventually by 7 pm I started really questioning my dd and she finally relented and said the number I had was her boyfriends! But promised he had shown the text to his mum and she would reply.

At this point I just blew up, the whole frigging day we’d been having heart to hearts about what happened she seemed so genuinely ashamed over her actions and lying and subterfuge but all along she knew I had sent the message to her boyfriend and hadn’t fessed up to me! What a trusting idiot I’ve been 🤯. So anyway I sent a short to the point message to the boyfriend that if I wasn’t given the correct number I’d be round his in ten minutes banging on his front door.

Got the number sent another text and finally received a reply from the mum.
I was informed by her THE WORST PART which was that they’d already done the very same thing back in Feb. That time he’d been caught by his big sister sneaking back home at 3am and it was because he’d been in my dds bedroom, and I stupidly had no idea and his parents didn’t have the common decency to to contact me about it!
All these months and she’d been lying to me solidly.

I’m afraid no amount of sensitive parenting is going to get this quantity of deceitful crap sorted. She’s grounded now. No phones nothing. I’m beyond frustrated at it all and to be honest I’ve had it up to here with parenting her nicely.

Once they start it's too late to stop. Giving into the hormones isn't something that can be put back in a box.

Coming down medieval on them like some sort of bible wielding old testament following parent will only succeed in pushing that kid away. It'll wreck their relationship.

Your doing right thing op. Id make it very clear your punishing the continued lying

The kid had pyjamas on. It doesn't really sound like he was pressuring her to have sex. 14-year-old girls are just as willing as 14-year-old boys to try things anyway., stop blaming the boy, the girl let him into the house, she didn't have to if she didn't want to.

You talk as though they are wild animals with no control over their sexual urges. Not supposedly civilised human beings.

Following your logic then anyone and everyone would be having sex with whoever took their fancy in whatever situation.

Part of the the education of growing up should be learning what is and is not appropriate as regards sex and other relationships.

But there is a lot of pressure on young girls to have sex by society in general and by their own peers.

This is a shame. At 14 in the 70s I wasn’t interested in sex, I was interested in romance as depicted by the picture strip stories in Jackie magazine. Teens are exposed to so much more now.

l’m in my 40s now, but l can’t pretend that at 14 (when l could be described as quite a “booky” or swot girl) l wasn’t interested in sex; l certainly was. Elder sister by 2 years was the same. I don’t think we were that unusual.

I wasn't interested in sex at 14. More snogging, but I had friends who were and so I was the one retrieving friends from bedrooms at house parties when their parents came to pick them up. We had too much freedom in the 80s and were very vulnerable. We knew a child actress who eloped with her much older boyfriend and got married in Vegas. So we know what goes on and so we have to be open and honest about the risks and our own mistakes.

Boys these days (not all but more than you'd think) are watching porn. Our experience of porn was finding grubby magazines and page 3. Nowadays they have easy access. My 15 year old's experience is that boys have very unrealistic views of sex and women. Luckily the boy she's seeing is lovely and I've met the mum who is also very realistic. But other "nice" boys have not been nice

Well done OP. It's an extremely difficult stage.

I don't agree with posters who say laying down strict rules means a child will rebel & go ahead with bad behaviour, including underage sex. It's actually the opposite. They need to feel secure in knowing who is boss while they are still of school age.

Setting boundaries with bad behaviour resulting in eg no pocket money,new clothes, removing phones etc teaches them it's not something to be tolerated while still a child & living under their parents roof. This while showering them with love & support & making sure they know you are there to help them whatever their concerns.

Communication is key. Young people today are engrossed in online activity while communicating using text messages,whatsap etc. It becomes second nature to them & they lose the ability to actually talk or discuss problems with their parents.

I’d be very concerned if my 14 year old was having sex. It can indicate that something is more widely wrong in her life . I don’t think this constant “blowing up” is in any way helpful, and is doing damage. Also it’s teaching her that “blowing up” and screaming drama is the way to sort problems.

I’d be so upset and angry with the constant lying, especially as you’d tried to manage the situation with conversations etc.
I’d also be furious that the boy’s family didn’t contact you when they first found out about him sneaking out.
I have no words of advice but I don’t blame you for being angry and upset now. It’s the betrayal.

There is so much deception to untangle I would be fuming I would also be concerned that my DD could decieve me so easily with little remorse. My DD is the same age and has a boyfriend. They hang out mainly at his house I have set the boundaries with her and also made sure I met his mum, much to my daughters horror, but she needs to know me and his mum are together on boundaries. They are not allowed in his bedroom and she is only allowed round his when his mum his mum is home.

Tbh it would be the lying and going behind my back that would upset me most she has broken your trust and it is up to her now to earn it back. For him, sneaking out at night and into your house demonstrates his lack of respect for his parents and you and then deceiving you about his number and lying to your face. Not someone I would want my daughter with.

Also to add I think his parents lack of action on it when they discovered it in February, and the fact that they never contacted you about it obviously gave them the message that it wasn't too bad or worth bothering you with. I'd be pretty annoyed with them too. They must have known he was continuing to sneak out

Wow, your daughter is very deceitful. This is more than sneaking a boy in as a once off.
I would be absolutely livid with her behaviour.
She is far too young.
She'd lose every privilege for her blatant lack of respect.