For having reacted the way I did when I caught my 14 year old daughter’s…

[madonninamia]

Boyfriend in her room last night at 1am?
He must’ve crept in while I was sleeping and it was only ‘cause I had to go to the loo that I saw a light under her bedroom door and thought she was on her phone that I walked in and saw him shoot out of her bed like lightning. Thank god they were both in pjs although my daughter was wearing tiny shorts and vest that I’d never seen before.

God knows what my neighbours must have thought as I did some major screeching first in shock when I saw him leap out of the bed in the semi dark but I was just so upset that she would already be sneaking about like this. I admit I was doing the exact same thing but I was 16/17 at the time, and me and my boyfriend had been together more than a year before I was even ready to start having sex with him. 14 is too young to be having her boyfriend round for frigging “sleepovers”, isn’t it?!?
My mind is blown, they’ve been together a couple of months now, they are both 14 and as I stupidly believed pretty innocent and sweet. Of course I had the talk after I noticed how into each other they were and I broached her about sex but she promised she wasn’t wanting to do anything like that. She knows that having sex at 14 is considered way too young (illegal!) but after last night I’m having serious doubts about where they are at in their relationship.

I’m at a loss what to do, my DH was of little help last night as he stumbled about half asleep and not knowing what to do or say when the boyfriend was looking like a deer in headlights last night. He’s at work now lucky git, I took time off work due to Easter hols, we were going to go out shopping today but that’s not going to happen now.
How in hell do I go about this? Ground her? Take away her social media? I don’t even know his parents but I think I should contact them to let them know their son is sneaking out in the middle of the night and cycling 3 miles to sleep with his girlfriend, shouldn’t I? Any advice would be gladly appreciated as at the moment I’ve not slept much and all I want to do is lock her in her bedroom until she turns 16.

Fair enough to be angry with her for all the lying and disrespect, and the boyfriend's parents too. But I do think getting her on contraception is a must at this point. Maybe the implant so there's no risk of her messing up with the pill.

I think you're right to come down hard on the lying and deception. And to be very disappointed that his parents didn't let you know at the time of the previous incident. God knows how many times they've done this!

I also think you're being a little naive about thinking they're too young/innocent/not ready to have sex. When I was a teenager, I knew plenty of people who were having sex at 14. It happens. I would get her to the GP to talk through birth control. The last thing you want is a pregnancy at her age and realistically you can't police them 24/7. There will always be opportunities for them to have sex if they really want to. Don't feel like you're failing at parenting either, teenagers are very good at lying and sneaking around!

@Eveningstartthe relationships lasted over a couple of years. I decided to take the view that I’d rather they were going through the firsts together rather than with some random. I wanted the bfs to know that I was a real person rather than a fictitious monster.

I’d rather it happened under our roof but DH not keen. The compromise was once they got to 16 and been with BF for 6 months they could stay over. He didn’t want a revolving door of young men.

DD1 hid it from me for about 3 months and I was furious about the lying and the fact that she’d proved DH right (again). She has always been very open with me so the hiding it was harmful for her to deal with.

DSD3 it was all a bit of a mess. Her DM is very toxic and she was in a very bad place mentally but it all happened under DMs roof. I said I couldn’t lie to DH but made the truth more digestible. Helped sort out contraception etc, made sure there were always condoms available. She was with us one week out of 2 so had some space from the BF.

I just tried to act in a way that I’d want someone to treat me and my DDs. There’s 15 months from oldest to youngest of the 3 girls.

DD2 waited a bit longer (15) which is legal here. And they’ve been together over 4 years.

I don’t know that there’s any right way to get through it but them being able to talk about it is the best I can hope for.

Op I've read your update.
Every stage of parenting has its challenges and this is a difficult phase.

Trust me, you'll get through it. I can almost guarantee you and your dd will have a solid relationship as she matures into a young adult.

I work with teens. Many have done the same things as your dd at that age. It's always good to see them a few years later when they have grown up. They usually cringe at what they put their parents through!!!
The adolescent head is a crazy place!!!

@SpringIsSpringing25 I completely disagree, young girls face a lot of pressure to give in and often only do it to appease their partners

What part? If you mean not having their number she should have demanded it there and then. I wouldn't be sending a 14 year old out at 1am and wouldn't be having him stay the night either. What if his parents had woken up and reported him missing or been worried sick.

I disagree with you, that's okay we don't have to agree.

Some Teenage girls are just hormonal and sexually interested as some teenage boys.

The op has said several times there was no pressure it was something the daughter and her boyfriend deceided between themselves
The boyfriend being male doesnt make him more culpable
Whilst i agree 14 is too young to be having sex
But if they are doing it anyway surely its better that they are using reliable contraception
Its better then a teenage pregnancy.

I wasent intrersted in having sex at 14 either a decade later in the 80,s but i certainly knew people that did.

I'm sorry but I don't agree that because children are " having sex" adults should be condoning and encouraging this by giving them contraception.

If she isn't old enough to understand pregnancy is a consequence of sexual intercorse, not to mention the possible health dangers, then she is definitely not old enough to have sex and should therefore be protected from herself.

The legal age for sexual activity is there for a reason: because mentally she is a child and not capable of making informed decisions for herself.

If OP and her H are incapable of parenting their child then she is out of control and they should be involving social services and not encouraging her into adult activities that are not in her best interest.

Just to add: at what age do all these posters that are so anxious to give contraception to children actually draw the line. Are they happy to let 13 year old, 12, 11 or younger to continue having sex so long as they have contraception?

Also putting her on hormonal contraception does not protect her from STDs and absolves the boy of any responsibility. Is that a good lesson to teach him going forward?

That doesn’t quite explain why the legal age varies throughout Europe, with the UK having one of the highest ages. More important is the (lack of) age gap between the parties involved.

Agree with this. What exactly does ‘blowing up’ and shouting at your child achieve? There’s no going back from this, if they’re having sex, they’ll find a way to continue to have sex. You can’t ground her for 2 years.

All the screaming and drama is just going to damage your relationship with her.

I’m interested to know how you can stop a 14/15yo who wants to have sex. When I was at school, a friend of mine and her boyfriend snuck off in their lunch break from
school and had sex! Even if you ground them, take away their phone, whatever, 14/15yos are out in the world unsupervised. The responsible thing to do when a teenager reaches that point is not to condone it, but to make sure they are safe and also that they are doing it willingly, and that they understand the emotional and health consequences fully, that they are raised with emotional intelligence and to be assertive. But you can’t prevent it, no matter how much you believe that ‘good parenting’ can avoid it.

Generations of parents have probably thought they’ve prevented their teenagers from having sex by grounding them or being extremely authoritarian about it or whatever, but the reality is quite different! Those teenagers just never spoke with their parents about it and had no open lines of communication to discuss that stuff, so parents were blissfully unaware.

They are underage and shouldn't be having sex for all kinds of reasons, but the idea that they 'shouldn't want sex' is very unrealistic OP. When did they go through puberty - 2 or 3 years ago? That is when sexual feelings start.
Their lies are infuriating, especially deceiving you by giving you the wrong phone number for his parents. That is really taking the piss. But it is only an extreme version of common teenage behaviour: not seeing anyone else's point of view, a wild and strong belief that you know what you're doing, a wish to individuate from parents and make your own decisions, etc.

I’m afraid no amount of sensitive parenting is going to get this quantity of deceitful crap sorted. She’s grounded now. No phones nothing. I’m beyond frustrated at it all and to be honest I’ve had it up to here with parenting her nicely.

I understand how angry you are and the lying and deception definitely require dealing with strongly. But please don't stop 'parenting her nicely'. That will only push her away from you in the longer term. The teenage years are very hard to deal with, (I had a boy and a girl and there were occasions when I wanted to tear my hair out, but we got through it and both are now sensible adults, with their own families).

She needs to know that you still love her and the reasons why her behaviour isn't acceptable. That you understand the raging hormones on the one hand, but your concerns are for very valid reasons on the BF front. But she also needs to know that the lying and deception are not acceptable in any form.

Also, please try and discuss it in a calm manner. She needs to feel she can talk to you about anything without you going off the deep end, or the lying and deception will continue to happen, no matter how much she is punished when found out.

It's a very thin walk for you to get the balance right and it is very hard. I feel for you

Agree with this wholeheartedly.

I'm glad you've seen the light that you can't trust her and come down firmly, but you were massively naive in not realising the number you were given was blindingly obviously going to be someone else's. I think everyone else saw that one coming. You really have to up your game on suspicion!

Social services wouldn't take any action about two 14 year olds who are in a relationship possibly having sex (who knows whether it is happening in this case). They would only take action if one partner was legally an adult. What could they do here - arrange for both of the young people to be prosecuted for having sex with the other?
I have never heard of anyone suggesting that 11 year olds should be given contraception, and it's not relevant to this question. 14 and 15 year olds who are eager to start having sex will manage it somehow, and they need birth control and advice on STDs.

We are animals 🙄those hormones when they kick in are powerful.

My point is, once they've started. No amount of coming down hard on them will make them stop. It just doesn't, as a zillion parents who struggle with their kids growing up into their own persons find out. Then they wonder why their adult kids aren't as close as they would like.

The problem here is the lies and sneaking about. Deal with that.

Personally I'm bemused at how many supposed adults on this thread don't actually know what the age of consent actually means. It's weird.

This happened to a friend's daughter. Social services found out that she was in an underage relationship (with a boy the same age) incidentally - via her friend - and informed her school. The parents were called into school and had to jump through various hoops to show they were behaving responsibly. It grew into quite a thing. It certainly wasn't ignored or taken lightly.

It might have been that SS suspected the parents of not taking proper care of the girl, leaving her at risk of pregnancy or abuse. Clearly someone was worried enough about her to contact the authorities. If it was just about the underage sex they would have done the same with the boy.

You're right, they were worried about her - but they also did the same with the boy.

This age of consent thing is all very weird for teens anyway. I was UK born but brought up in France due to dad’s job. We returned to the UK to visit other family several times year. So l was having lawful sex as a teen on some occasions, on others l wasn’t.

She's going to be sleeping/fumbling with him regardless and it's very sad that she doesn't feel able to communicate this work you.
Sanctions will cause resentment and further break down her relationship with you.
Be honest with her about your worries and specifically what your worries are, then have an open conversation about how she can be safe and respect herself in her relationship. Finally, ensure his parents are aware.
It's your chance to be the grown up here.