Page 12 | For having reacted the way I did when I caught my 14 year old daughter’s…

madonninamia · 2025-04-17T08:01:02+00:00

Boyfriend in her room last night at 1am? He must’ve crept in while I was sleeping and it was only ‘cause I had to go to the loo that I saw a light under her bedroom door and thought she was on her phone that I walked in and saw him shoot out of her bed like lightning. Thank god they were both in pjs although my daughter was wearing tiny shorts and vest that I’d never seen before. God knows what my neighbours must have thought as I did some major screeching first in shock when I saw him leap out of the bed in the semi dark but I was just so upset that she would already be sneaking about like this. I admit I was doing the exact same thing but I was 16/17 at the time, and me and my boyfriend had been together more than a year before I was even ready to start having sex with him. 14 is too young to be having her boyfriend round for frigging “sleepovers”, isn’t it?!? My mind is blown, they’ve been together a couple of months now, they are both 14 and as I stupidly believed pretty innocent and sweet. Of course I had the talk after I noticed how into each other they were and I broached her about sex but she promised she wasn’t wanting to do anything like that. She knows that having sex at 14 is considered way too young (illegal!) but after last night I’m having serious doubts about where they are at in their relationship. I’m at a loss what to do, my DH was of little help last night as he stumbled about half asleep and not knowing what to do or say when the boyfriend was looking like a deer in headlights last night. He’s at work now lucky git, I took time off work due to Easter hols, we were going to go out shopping today but that’s not going to happen now. How in hell do I go about this? Ground her? Take away her social media? I don’t even know his parents but I think I should contact them to let them know their son is sneaking out in the middle of the night and cycling 3 miles to sleep with his girlfriend, shouldn’t I? Any advice would be gladly appreciated as at the moment I’ve not slept much and all I want to do is lock her in her bedroom until she turns 16.

Murlowk · 17/04/2025 21:09

Gave me flashbacks. Same thing happened to me when I was 14 - snuck my boyfriend over and let him in in the early hours. Except I got caught actually have sex not just whatever they were up to. My family called the police! Got me on contraception or course. I'll be honest the huge fuss was warranted but did nothing but make me more determined to rebel against them and keep seeing him. It is a tricky situation. Really not sure what I'd do. I think the key thing is about having respect here for your home, she shouldn't be randomly letting anyone in at night, not even friends. And contraception.

May09Bump · 17/04/2025 21:24

notacooldad · 17/04/2025 20:42

Absolutely not bollocks, I'm not going to be cool about finding a boy in my house in the dead of night - all this cool parenting is a crock of shite, to use your words. Yep, Daughter would also not be getting a cuddle and a coffee outing in the morning either.
I didn't say I would be better cool either and I wouldn't e cuddling and going for coffee either but I wouldn be the other end of the spectrum either with with statements like ' if he survives' DD is the issue here.

I would assault an intruder in my home trying to have sex with my child - so yes.
He wasn't an intruder though. Dd invited him in. Would you say that any of her friends from school that she invites in without you knowing are intruders? She asked him to be there. It looks like she wanted sex, he wasn't there to rape her!
Just two horney teens. Yes, she deserves sanctions for pulling a stunt like that. I would punish for her sneaking around when everyone should be asleep but it's not the end of the world either.

Dd will probably just end up shagging at a mates house when their parents are at work now she has been busted.

Oh come on, inviting friends in during normal hours isn't comparable to this boy entering the house. Even if friends turned up in distress at 3am in the morning I would expect to be woken up and notified. How do you know what has gone on - she could have been complicit to plan or what if she's be pressured or blackmailed into it (photos, etc). Both of them are not of legal age - yes, hormones take over but my gosh the balls (forgive the pun) on him to sneak into the house.

I'd take my chances with the police.

Maybe DD will do it elsewhere - but, sometimes teenagers just want an adult to step in and give them time to think. Like the codewords to extract them out of uncomfortable situations when out with their friends.

Leigh24574 · 17/04/2025 21:31

madonninamia · 17/04/2025 09:34

I wasn’t expecting so many replies so quickly! Luckily I missed out on @Morningstarter ‘s reply as it sounds like it would’ve upset me even more.
To those who have given me constructive advice thank you. I’m at a loss as to what kind of punishment to give. I know that a lot of her friends are doing similar things and her best friend is sleeping with her boyfriend and apparently her mum is ok about it. I was shocked when I found that out but now I wonder if there might be peer pressure more from her friends than from the boyfriend. The boyfriend really does seem like a sweet kid but then I’m clearly not great at judging character.
I’m going to have to go through her social media and do some serious digging to understand what is inside her head because I honestly feel like she is a total stranger to me. I swear up until a year and a half ago she was the sweetest loveliest dd, we were so close 😢. But she definitely has become far more secretive and deceitful recently.

Let the girl live you don’t need to know everything as she gets older, would you have told ur mum you wanted to have sex with ur bf? Talk about being safe and make sure she knows abouts STDs n utis but she’s probably very embarrassed and you should tell her how you feel, like next time ask me if he can come round etc

x2boys · 17/04/2025 21:34

May09Bump · 17/04/2025 21:24

Oh come on, inviting friends in during normal hours isn't comparable to this boy entering the house. Even if friends turned up in distress at 3am in the morning I would expect to be woken up and notified. How do you know what has gone on - she could have been complicit to plan or what if she's be pressured or blackmailed into it (photos, etc). Both of them are not of legal age - yes, hormones take over but my gosh the balls (forgive the pun) on him to sneak into the house.

I'd take my chances with the police.

Maybe DD will do it elsewhere - but, sometimes teenagers just want an adult to step in and give them time to think. Like the codewords to extract them out of uncomfortable situations when out with their friends.

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Well he didnt sneak into the house the Op,s daughter let him in neither was she pressured aa the Op has confirmed several times

notacooldad · 17/04/2025 21:37

Maybe DD will do it elsewhere - but, sometimes teenagers just want an adult to step in and give them time to think. Like the codewords to extract them out of uncomfortable situations when out with their friends.
Of course kids need parents to step in sometimes. I've bailed my kids out of situations.
However in this case dd was in her silky pj's shorts that mum had never seen before. If she wasn't a willing participant she would have text something like mums still awake, you can't come! She'll kill me!
Dd was in on it 100%
She was an idiot for thinking she could get away with it.

EmeraldShamrock000 · 17/04/2025 21:44

They're both 14. Neither is more responsible than the other at 14.
They tried and failed.

May09Bump · 17/04/2025 21:50

x2boys · 17/04/2025 20:57

Nobody is being cool ,but assaulting a 14 year old and alienating your daughter is not the way forward and you might also find yourself in a whole heap of trouble with the police .

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I'd take my chance with the police and again I'm not afraid of alienating my Daughter over having boundaries regarding kids having sex in my house, and sneaking in at 3am.

I've seen what "cool" chats have resulted in - kids I went to school with had pre-16 pregnancies ending up with 4 kids very young, stuck in abusive relationships and education shot to pieces. Some of the boys in the extreme cases in jail for violence, burglary, etc because they thought they could do as they liked. Others accepted being groomed because underage sex accepted in one instance by parents, so ok in the next (this time with an adult). This obviously doesn't happen in all cases - but shockingly too many in my experience. Maybe this has coloured my style of parenting - but I'm not sure there is a middle ground which is clear to a teenager.

I'm actually very anti-violence, however, this would tip me over.

May09Bump · 17/04/2025 21:53

x2boys · 17/04/2025 21:34

Well he didnt sneak into the house the Op,s daughter let him in neither was she pressured aa the Op has confirmed several times

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Did the parent know he was in the house, no. They snuck him in the house. It wasn't an accepted sleepover - some parents do let teenagers sleepover, this wasn't the case. The parent was shocked he was in the house.

EmeraldShamrock000 · 17/04/2025 21:53

I'd take my chance with the police
What are the police going to do? He was an invited guest, unless of course you think both teens should be arrested, finger printed and cautioned?

May09Bump · 17/04/2025 22:01

notacooldad · 17/04/2025 21:37

Maybe DD will do it elsewhere - but, sometimes teenagers just want an adult to step in and give them time to think. Like the codewords to extract them out of uncomfortable situations when out with their friends.
Of course kids need parents to step in sometimes. I've bailed my kids out of situations.
However in this case dd was in her silky pj's shorts that mum had never seen before. If she wasn't a willing participant she would have text something like mums still awake, you can't come! She'll kill me!
Dd was in on it 100%
She was an idiot for thinking she could get away with it.

In that case, why did your kids not bail themselves out with some kind of excuse rather than calling you. They are underage and this behaviour oversteps our house boundaries by a mile.

Relaxaholic · 17/04/2025 22:02

No way would I ‘put’ my 14 year old daughter on the pill. She is old enough to know how to say no and to make better choices. Encouraging the pill means sex at 14 is expected and normalised. Children do not have the maturity for sex at that age and it is a much higher risk scenario because she could forget to take it. This is where your DD needs you to be her parent.

Montea · 17/04/2025 22:03

Oh my god
get her a pregnancy test

May09Bump · 17/04/2025 22:04

EmeraldShamrock000 · 17/04/2025 21:53

I'd take my chance with the police
What are the police going to do? He was an invited guest, unless of course you think both teens should be arrested, finger printed and cautioned?

you've got the wrong end of the stick - I wouldn't report him, I've replied to those posting I'd get done for assault.

CowboyJoanna · 17/04/2025 22:10

YANBU YANBU YANBU!!
They ARE having sex.
Take her to the doctors for morning after pill pronto.

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 17/04/2025 22:15

I wouldn't lock her window, that's her fire escape.

I did this at 16, except I was the one cycling over because I wouldn't have dared for a second have a boy in my house!! Never gave a thought to his poor parents and 'respecting their house'.

I do remember telling my parents my experience of getting the MAP from the GP 'for a friend' and them wholeheartedly believing me (yes I do feel bad) so I'd be cautious to believe her OP, as the desire not to disappoint you/be judged/get caught will be very strong.

Crushed23 · 17/04/2025 22:32

Relaxaholic · 17/04/2025 22:02

No way would I ‘put’ my 14 year old daughter on the pill. She is old enough to know how to say no and to make better choices. Encouraging the pill means sex at 14 is expected and normalised. Children do not have the maturity for sex at that age and it is a much higher risk scenario because she could forget to take it. This is where your DD needs you to be her parent.

This is just irresponsible. A 14 year-old girl who snuck her boyfriend into the house in the middle of the night and who was wearing sexy pyjamas her mother hadn’t seen before is almost certainly sexually active. OP should absolutely have the contraception chat and ensure her daughter is having protected sex.

GiddyCrab · 17/04/2025 23:04

Poppyseeds79 · 17/04/2025 09:32

I'd still go shopping today, use the opportunity to have a frank conversation. One where she isn't just telling you what she thinks you want to hear.

Discuss contraception as a teenager pregnancy is not what anyone wants. Definitely speak to his parents too...

Reward her with new things then? Like hell would I do that.

mathanxiety · 17/04/2025 23:08

May09Bump · 17/04/2025 21:50

I'd take my chance with the police and again I'm not afraid of alienating my Daughter over having boundaries regarding kids having sex in my house, and sneaking in at 3am.

I've seen what "cool" chats have resulted in - kids I went to school with had pre-16 pregnancies ending up with 4 kids very young, stuck in abusive relationships and education shot to pieces. Some of the boys in the extreme cases in jail for violence, burglary, etc because they thought they could do as they liked. Others accepted being groomed because underage sex accepted in one instance by parents, so ok in the next (this time with an adult). This obviously doesn't happen in all cases - but shockingly too many in my experience. Maybe this has coloured my style of parenting - but I'm not sure there is a middle ground which is clear to a teenager.

I'm actually very anti-violence, however, this would tip me over.

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Agree 100% - I've seen parents too afraid of alienating daughters while at the same time being stupidly naive about the boys they were hanging out with.

Boys have more respect for girls whose parents are not afraid to lay down the law in their own homes. The boy who sneaked into the OP's house has no respect for the OP's child, for his own parents, for the OP and her husband, or for himself, ultimately.

The OP is dealing with a disrespectful little shit who wants all the privilege of an adult relationship with none of the responsibility or the norms of adult behaviour that should go along with that.

mathanxiety · 17/04/2025 23:24

StupidBoy · 17/04/2025 17:12

I don’t even know his parents but I think I should contact them to let them know their son is sneaking out in the middle of the night and cycling 3 miles to sleep with his girlfriend, shouldn’t I?

Yes you should tell them. He could have got knocked off his bike and killed, cycling around in the middle of the night. They could have gone to his room and found him missing and had the police out looking for him. He needs to know it's not an adventure to do things like that, it's dangerous and irresponsible.

Them knowing what he did should make pretty sure he doesn't try it again.

And that very fact alone is proof that this boy is bad news for the OP's child.

Is there anyone here who believes the little shit has given any thought to contraception or the consequences for the 14 year old girl if she were to fall pregnant?

He is selfish, disrespectful, reckless, and lacking in the most basic ability to think about consequences - and there are people here who are advising sorting contraception for the girl and thus giving the relationship the green light?

Neither of these children is mature enough to be having sex. Both need a very stern talking to, and a punishment they will remember.

Poppyseeds79 · 17/04/2025 23:40

GiddyCrab · 17/04/2025 23:04

Reward her with new things then? Like hell would I do that.

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Each to their own... You get better results with a carrot than a stick though.

Also, OP she may or may not even already be on the pill. I was at 14 and never discussed it with my mother. I'm 45 now so it was practically a life time ago. In my DD's case she was open with me about contraception and sex conversations.

WearyAuldWumman · 17/04/2025 23:50

x2boys · 17/04/2025 21:34

Well he didnt sneak into the house the Op,s daughter let him in neither was she pressured aa the Op has confirmed several times

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Well, he did sneak into the house since he knew that he was entering without the parents' knowledge.

Murlowk · 18/04/2025 02:08

and there are people here who are advising sorting contraception for the girl and thus giving the relationship the green light?

If they don't take contraception and find a way to have sex (it literally only takes a detour on the walk home from school for 5 minutes if that), what then? I think people underestimate the willpower of teenagers who want to do something, and their sneakiness.

Murlowk · 18/04/2025 02:11

She is old enough to know how to say no and to make better choices

And yet time and time again, teenagers don't make the best choices. And don't say no, despite what their parents think, often in spite of their parents.

Eveningstart · 18/04/2025 06:11

orangegato · 17/04/2025 10:35

Have none of you ever been 14 😂

at 14 I was at an all girls school, living in a very quiet semi rural village and when I wasn’t at school or playing hockey, my life revolved around sweet valley high books, home & away, and messing around at home with my siblings! My parents basically knew what I was up to and where I was… all the time!

Eveningstart · 18/04/2025 06:11

does the op have a partner? Any other children? Sorry if I’ve missed