To speak to my neighbour's about her disabled child?

[RootsBeforeTheFruits]

OK I've named changed....

I've recently moved house and have been at the new house about 9 months, for the first few months next door was empty and being renovated. Once it finished it was quickly rented out to my current neighbour's. She's a nice enough woman we have a gab in passing, she had a son with additional needs.

Here's the problem ....it's a terraced style house and he frequently bangs shit out of the walls, in the day I don't mind as much it's the day, but he bangs well into the night i don't mean the odd tapping it's actually shaking our walls. It frequently wakes my children up in the night and they've been extra tired in school.

Do I speak to her about it, i explain to the children that he has additional needs and more than likely can't help this behavior, I really don't know what to do

Sounds like hell to be honest, just because it's not her nor her child's fault doesn't make it any easier for you. I'd speak sensitively about it, your children are rightfully your priority.

Of course you must mention it. She may not realise how much it is harming your children.

Oh god I was a probably a neighbour like this, had to live in a terrace with disabled DS and felt so so bad for the neighbours. I did my best.

we were fortunate enough to move into a detached after a year and I can breathe now. It’s such a tricky situation for everyone.

If it is rented, I would just move once the contract is up

I agree with asking her if everything is ok. Also good plan to mention council grants and occupational therapy funding for padding for the walls.

It is only fair to you and your children to tell her how much it disrupts your life. It is probable that she will be able to use this to get re-housed to somewhere more suitable. Or that there is an organisation that will soundproof things or change the setup in the house that she lives in.

If it's harming your own children you need to say something

Just because he has a disability & it isn't deliberate doesn't mean it's not hell & doesn't mean you & your children need to suffer.

Speak to her first & see if she can come up with a solution - there may be benefits eg DLA she could apply for to help with costs of equipment, soundproofing etc. Stress to her that you understand it's not deliberate but that it does need to be addressed.

If she does nothing you need to escalate via the council. Constant noise overnight that can be heard within your home & that is harming your child is something that would be a priority to address.

Keep a daily record of everything & keep recordings of the noise, vibration etc.

But that doesn’t remove OP’s legal rights to ‘peaceful enjoyment’ of her home.

I think you should definately talk to her, let her know it's keeping your kids up, but present her with possible solutions eg he moves to another room on the other side of the house, she try the padding a PP referred to, or a punch bag.

I'm sure she's aware, as PPs have said, but she may not have looked into any mitigation measures.

Don't feel guilty about raising the issue with her, your kids - and you - need a peaceful home.

As you're renting, you could leave if no improvement happens, and tell your landlord why, so they can look into soundproofing.

OP didn’t say her home was rented, she said next door was rented

Speak to her, but not in the way I think you mean. Ask her how she is coping, see if there’s anything you can do to help. Invite her over for a cuppa, make sure she knows she and her son are welcome. Make friends and be supportive. I guarantee you she is already doing absolutely everything she can to keep him quiet, she will be exhausted too. Help her to access services, perhaps even offer her some respite if you can so she can have a quiet 30 mins to herself. Buy some earplugs, get additional insulation. These are the things you can do to make a difference.

This reminds of a thread that happened when the first lockdown started. A similar situation, a child with additional needs was making it hard for the poster to enjoy her garden by day, and the house by night. I had expected this poster would receive support from other posters, but she got trashed. So we never got to know if it was resolved.

So OP, I'm glad to see you have received some helpful responses. YANBU, and as other people have said, raise it with her first, but if nothing changes, then you need to contact the council. Your children matter too.

Have you been round, @RootsBeforeTheFruits? Please let us know how it goes and remember, you’re not in the wrong for politely raising the issue! You’re just advocating for your own children.

OP should not have to do any of this! The law states that regardless of neighbours’ situations, every household is entitled to ‘quiet enjoyment’ of their home. Yes, it’s true that noise is only considered noise nuisance after 11pm and before 7am, but before these times, reasonable quiet enjoyment is still a legal entitlement and this is being completely removed from OP’s children and the noise is negatively affecting her own children and affecting their schooling.

I have a child with autism myself who can be loud (though not to this extent) but thankfully I’m aware that this doesn’t mean that my DD is allowed to do whatever & make whatever noise she wants. I’ve taught her to be considerate of others and redirected her to other, less loud methods of stimming. Our neighbours always assure me they can’t hear anything from our side. It absolutely does not need to be this way, just because the poor boy has Autism. There can be solutions.

You have my sympathy but I think this is unfortunately one of those situations that doesn't have a solution.

How’s this going to help OP’s children to sleep at night?

I am actually surprised so many PPs think OP should just ignore it.

It’s 100% not the child’s fault, but OP’s children also deserve to sleep at night and not be affected all the time.

There must be a middle ground - perhaps she can use foam protection on the walls? You won’t know until you speak with her.

That is not up to the op to do

I would speak to her. Ask if she could move his bed or even his bedroom?

Actually you can’t guarantee that the neighbour is doing everything they can to make sure their child is quiet as possible. I have a disabled sibling and my mum definitely did nothing to ensure they didn’t bother the neighbours. She was totally oblivious and wouldnt have cared about the impact on the neighbours.

Agree with this.

You aren’t obliged to share her misfortune, sad as it is. She needs to find him an outlet that doesn’t disrupt others’ sleep and enjoyment of their home. Or find a detached dwelling.

I take it the boy’s father is not on the scene?

That must be unbearable, yes I would speak to her, perhaps she doesn’t realise you can hear it, and it’s waking up your kids. Sounds like the kid next door may benefit from a punchbag in his room. It can’t be easy for his mum either, very sad situation.

I remember a neighbour saying ‘tough night?’ one morning after ds had been banging all night (also non verbal). She looked very sympathetic. I apologised but appreciated how she had approached it. No blame, no accusations and no hate.
We soundproofed after that.

You need to speak to her to sort out a solution. Whether it’s padding on both sides of the wall, moving his bed or rearranging the furniture in both properties to mitigate the sound & vibrations

And as the mother of a child with autism
You must surely be aware of how wide a spectrum it is?
You say you have taught her taught her to be considerate of others thats great
But not all kids with autism have the cognitive ability to understsnd how their behsviour impacts others
I thnk the Op should suggest the neighbour contscts occupationsl therapty and explain the situation they can asses the home for adaptionsto make everyones life a bit easier.

She is probably feeling plenty on edge in her own home already.

I think you should mention it in the sense of it's keeping the children up, is there anything we can do between us to minimise the impact. Can anyone move bedrooms, could she put some furniture against the adjoining wall so it's less accessible (or move the son's bed away from that wall if he's hitting it in bed). Perhaps any wardrobes (yours or hers) could go up against the adjoining wall as a sound barrier as well as a physical impediment (assuming he prefers to hit walls than wardrobes).

It's tricky as sound does carry through and along walls, but if it's actually shaking that does imply he is hitting the adjoining wall.

If there is any moving about of stuff that might help, does she need a hand shifting it?