To speak to my neighbour's about her disabled child?

[RootsBeforeTheFruits]

OK I've named changed....

I've recently moved house and have been at the new house about 9 months, for the first few months next door was empty and being renovated. Once it finished it was quickly rented out to my current neighbour's. She's a nice enough woman we have a gab in passing, she had a son with additional needs.

Here's the problem ....it's a terraced style house and he frequently bangs shit out of the walls, in the day I don't mind as much it's the day, but he bangs well into the night i don't mean the odd tapping it's actually shaking our walls. It frequently wakes my children up in the night and they've been extra tired in school.

Do I speak to her about it, i explain to the children that he has additional needs and more than likely can't help this behavior, I really don't know what to do

I’d speak to her. You never know, she might be able to move bedrooms around or something to reduce the impact on you at least. Telling her does not mean you’re being unkind or showing a lack of understanding

I think it may be worth speaking to her about it for her sake - because she is almost certainly incredibly stressed about it, and knowing that you are sympathetic will reduce some of that.

You shouldn't have to live with that but it's hard to know what can actually be done - if there was something your neighbour could do, I expect she would have.

This. Posters saying you and your children just have to accept having your walls banged through the night are insane.

your children are your only responsibility, they need to sleep.

I very much doubt that there's anything she can do to stop it, if he's both non verbal autistic but also of an age to be bigger and stronger than her. I suspect she's living a nightmare.

You can’t possibly know she’s done everything she could. She’s probably just in survival mode and lets him do whatever keeps him occupied. She might not have even considered the neighbours one jot.

You do need to speak to her and yes she may not be receptive but if it's affecting your own children's health maybe there are things that can be done.

For example soft sensory padding on certain walls if he has certain areas he bangs against. It may be that she can redirect him to an area of the house where it's less likely to wake you children (she may not be able to but perhaps could try). It may be that you can help her in seeking support for him.

Just say to her that you understand she must be tired too but wanted to see if there is anything that could be tried that may ease your kids tiredness and/or that might help her too.

Yes, by all means speak to her. "I just wanted to check that you are OK. We hear yiur son throughout the night and hope you are getting all the support you need and if there's anything we can do to help to suppprt you to make sure it's optimal."

Meanwhile invest in some earplugs and than God every day that your children do not have the same disabilities. For your family the issue is transient, for your neighbour, she will contend with it for the rest of her life.

Speak to the council and log every incident so that there is a picture of when this behaviour happens. Try to find out who her landlord is too, you can find the owner by searching property records. It's likely they will not be too happy to hear that someone is hammering on their walls all the time and potentially causing damage.

It's not the child's fault they are disabled and not the parent's fault either. But the council and the landlord have a duty of care to you as the neighbour. It may simply be the case that this property is not suitable for these people.

A lot of posters seem to think you should put up with it because the neighbours are not to blame for the behaviour. That's not the case. Just because it's not their fault the child is disabled doesn't mean that you're not entitled to live in a normal, peaceful environment. You being right doesn't make them wrong.

It's hardly a transient issue, if it's affecting them every night in their own home, is it? Do they just put up with it for years?

The neighbour is not the OPs concern.
Of course manners and the delivery of the message needs to be thought of.
But the bottom line isn't "is the neigh our OK?"

It's "my children need to be able to sleep, how are you going to help that?"

It would be cruel to mince that or muddy the water with fake concern and could delay the needed resolution.

Of course not but they are in rented accommodation. If there is no resolution with optimal suppprt as I have suggested, the mother and her son could be rehoused or the op could move.

Speak to the neighbour. She needs to professionally pad the walls with mattresses. My friend's parents had to do this once for her disabled sister.

It can be done and it makes life for all much more bearable.
If the neighbour can not afford to install padded walls, help her set up a Go-Fund-Me page. Any money generated will help with some padding.

I understand he has a disability, but it doesn’t mean everyone else has to put up with no sleep because of it. I say this as someone who has a number of disabled children in their wider family.

normal every day noise is fine, but constant excessive banging throughout the night is not fine imo.

you have to be tolerant to him in some ways though.

i used to do supported living with adults with disabilities and the neighbours used to complain about them all the time and we were under constant pressure to keep them quiet when they were doing every day things like….

• sitting on the bench in the front garden saying morning to everyone that passed. Neighbours complained to the owner of the company and we were told he couldn’t sit outside
• singing in the shower - neighbours complained again and we always had to ensure the bathroom window was closed when he went in.
• singing in the garden with his headphone on (he loved bobbing round the garden with his headphones on singing) but we had to stop him doing that 🙄.

Those sort of things I don’t agree with moaning about but in your situation you shouldn’t be made to just put up with it.

She probably is aware he is doing it but might not realise the impact it is having on you (ie if you are a relatively quiet family, she might not appreciate how much noise / vibrations travel, especially not enough to wake you). Talking to her calmly whilst being understanding that it's a difficult situation for her too might spur her on to look into other ways to deal with it.

The council.are not going to.kick a disabled child out for behaviour he can't control .

Ahh so tough this one. I probably wouldn’t say anything, because I don’t know what the mum can do to resolve the problem. I’d maybe invest in decent and comfortable ear plugs for the night times.

Also, definitely talk to the neighbour first before going to the council/ landlord etc. Basically give her a chance to actually acknowledge and deal with the problem before doing something which might cause legal / housing issues for her as well as completely sour your relationship

Just tell her the issue and suggest she looks for a disability grant to get some thick padding for his walls.

I know you shouldnt have to but if you could change the layout of the affected room a wardrobe or something on that wall may absorb a bit of sound..I've actually got cheap foam soundproofing tiles behind furniture on my shared wall and it helps.

Well but she might not. No harm in asking.

They can change the bedroom configuration can't they?

I think she needs to find a way to make it less disruptive to her neighbour. Padded mats or foam tiles to the walls would be a cheap fix.

I dont know your relationship with her and if she would take the suggestion but just in case you get a chance to talk about the issue and she hasnt any idea of what to do...here are some examples.
One is a cheaper diy option and the other is theproffesional type...she would need to apply for a grant for that.

Is it an end terrace. If not is the property on the otherside having the same problem. I have an autistic son - he sometimes shouts but he doesn't bang walls (but he is not non verbal). Your neighbour needs sympathy, rest and cake (not grumbling). I cannot understand how it impacts on a victoriana 3 story terrace - all the way up and down - new build maybe. As I said my son can be a bit noisy so we make sure his bedroom is not on the joining wall. I suspect he needs to bang the walls - but not all the walls on every floor. Talk to your neighbour - show some kindness.

oops my images are under review..bare with.

However, the op children need to sleep, as does the op who I’m sure works and needs to sleep.

it’s hardly transient, and as many other poster have mentioned sleep deprivation is awful.

I absolutely sympathise with the neighbour, but you are very dismissive of the the effect on the op.