To speak to my neighbour's about her disabled child?

[RootsBeforeTheFruits]

OK I've named changed....

I've recently moved house and have been at the new house about 9 months, for the first few months next door was empty and being renovated. Once it finished it was quickly rented out to my current neighbour's. She's a nice enough woman we have a gab in passing, she had a son with additional needs.

Here's the problem ....it's a terraced style house and he frequently bangs shit out of the walls, in the day I don't mind as much it's the day, but he bangs well into the night i don't mean the odd tapping it's actually shaking our walls. It frequently wakes my children up in the night and they've been extra tired in school.

Do I speak to her about it, i explain to the children that he has additional needs and more than likely can't help this behavior, I really don't know what to do

Actually we had to ask the family of an elderly person with dementia to sort out noise all night long. It was from a house at a good distance as well. At night the tv was on full - perhaps some extra speaker system due to the noise level - with the windows open. In the day I couldn’t complain but for at night absolutely we could complain. The noise travelled something crazy. Eventually the family found a solution with headphones. It took calls and pressure because they didn’t care.

I could be that child's Mother (our nightmare years). My neighbour, went to our landlord rather than coming to me. I was aware my son was loud but with PDA I had little control. As soon as I was made aware my neighbour could hear him from the side furthest away from her house I used sound proofing sheets. I'd have appreciated her honesty if she'd come to me first. I guess I must be scary :)

Fact is, no one on here knows what remedies the mother of the autistic child has tried, or what help she has tried to access.

I have two adopted, autistic daughters who are now adults, both of whom attended separate schools and colleges, clubs etc and I know a huge number of autistic children and their parents.

And every family is different. Some parents go looking for as much help as possible while others are more likely to huddle down and deal with it themselves. Some see autism as society's problem to deal with, while others try to get the autistic person to conform to society's norms.

And so we don't know if the neighbour is trying everything or is more of a "yes, he's autistic, deal with it" sort of person.

I have two adopter friends whose teenage children's behaviour is extremely challenging and they are utterly unintimidated by it or by anyone who gets upset by it.

I was much more of the "how can I not disturb others" mentality, for better or worse.

But anyway, my point is that there might be things the mother hasn't tried yet. And maybe a chat might make her reconsider, contact services etc.

A lot of people on here are saying there are no services. But if you don't ask you definitely don't get. I was told over and over I wouldn't get x or y and did get it.

Out of interest what were you nightmare years, currently in the trenches with my almost 5 year old daughter waiting for some light at the end of the tunnel

So you think it ok that the OP and family can’t sleep?

Where did i say i thought it was ok ?
We can go round and round in circles but the fact iis there is no easy solution

Unfortunately you can’t always redirect. Particularly when non-verbal. And also especially once they are big.

OP have a talk to her. It may be that you can help her get a more suitable housing association property and a terraced house sound entirely unsuitable. Also LAs won’t pay for adaptations to privately rented houses but can if the tenancy is more secure (such a the ex council housing association).

I would start by saying you realise that she might not be able to do anything but just describe your problem. Offer to write a letter to the LA / housing detailing the issues and what has been tried. He may be fine in an end Terrace if the banging is contained to one wall (he may not, would need an assessment).

“Saying a solution must be found doesn’t really help anyone” It would help the OP fact.

Well yeah ,but it cant be magiced up out of thin air can it?

<waits for @ButterCrackers to respond and to ask once again if that means that the OP should just suck it up>

Surely excessive levels of noise (whether caused by disabled children or all night raves) are unacceptable and should be challenged? A disabled child will always be an emotive subject but a disturbance is a disturbance and we shouldn’t be side-tracked by the reasoning being it.

What do you suggest the solution is ?an all night rave is deliberate and the person/s holding it are fully aware of their actions ,invountry noise caused by a disabled child isnt im not saying its acceptable but there are no easy solutions.

My point is no matter what is causing the disturbance, whether it’s intentional, avoidable or deliberate (or not) - the effect on the OP is the same. If it can’t be resolved then maybe eviction of the neighbour is the only solution

The landlord would need to tread very carefully if they wanted to evict someone on the basis of a child's disability. They could find themselves in hugely expensive hot water. If your tenant is paying, and the council wouldn't be interested in the noise complaint, why would they do that?

I think speak to the mum and find out if he is doing it because he is distressed or if it is a sensory seeking behaviour.

If he is distressed, there's not much she can do.

If it is sensory, ie. he likes the sound it makes or the vibration of the wall of the feeling of his hand hitting something hard, then perhaps this can be redirected in some way, eg. could he get a punch bag to hit instead of the wall or could he get some sort of vibrating toy instead of making the walls vibrate?

Which will be very hard as its a profoudly disabled child who is making this noise sonething they have no control over plus we have certain protections for disabled peoole you might be fine with it but in reality there would be a lot of public outrage.

I wonder if instead of punching the walls could him mum get something like this?

https://www.sportsdirect.com/everlast-cardio-fitness-training-bag-788834

My stepsons mother has this issue.

He is very wakeful in the night, and on occasion can get… shouty.

If you try to tell him to stop, he shouts STOP SHOUTINGGGG, at himself. The only thing anyone can do is deescalate him, which takes time, and try and calm the situation.

Her neighbour knocked and asked about the noise, she explained and offered to get soundproofing installed. Which she has - it’s not made much difference.

Every time a rough night happens, he knocks again, on the door of a very tired woman, and mentions it again. And again. And again.

Fortunately my partner and I haven’t had the same conversation with our neighbours. But nobody is deaf, we can all hear it and we don’t want to be up all night either. Unless there’s a cure for autism kicking around, I’m not really sure what else anyone else can do.

I almost can't be bothered to go into it further as it's so much of a "there but for the grace of God situation" and I have a massive chip on my shoulder about have lived that live where I was literally on my knees trying to copy with the complex needs of my complex child.. isolated, desperate, exhausted, 13 yeahs of sleep deprivation of the type that the average parent will only face for a year or so... and THEN the neighbours complained ....

...but yeah there are options. The OP can can:
• Look at sound proofing the wall her side (yeah she "shouldn't have to" but that's life
• Look at whether swapping the kids room(s) around is possible
•Talk to the neighbour and tell them how it's affected her family (it will no doubt upset her but yeah it's an option and as he been pointed out, someone else's rough deal in life is not OP's problem. Maybe they will feel bad (worse) and move house.
• OP could move house herself (no she "shouldn't have to" etc) BUT options... here they are!

I agree. My stepson’s mum bought a terraced house, there’s no good room to put him in.

We live in a semi detached house, with him ok the outside wall, and windows shut at night.

If someone knocked on our door, there’s not much further we can do.

We cannot stop the noise, because god knows if we could then we would.

I would hope that if someone did knock, and we explained, the explanation would be adequate for it to be “dropped.”

Or complain to the Local Authority

I don't think there would be as much public outrage as you suggest if people knew of the distress and harm it was causing OP. Look at replies on this thread and you will see that lots of people think that OP shouldn't be subjected to the noise and that evicting the neighbour could well be proportionate if it cannot be resolved in another way. The courts could very well agree and follow previous case law related to disabled adults making involuntary noise.

I always think it's strange that posters like you seem utterly determined to pretend that disabled people have rights that they simply don't have. They don't have the right to make nuisance noise that greatly impacts their neighbours.

In my experience soundproofing has limited efficacy in some houses, especially if you're not willing to drop thousands, sometimes tens of thousands on it which as a parent carer, I don't have laying around so I doubt the NDN will either, otherwise she'd not be renting a middle terraced house with a profoundly disabled teenager in. It also usually needs to be done in both properties.

Padded walls aren't effective at soundproofing. Their primary purpose is damage mitigation. I've experience of an adult autistic man who caused bone damage and retinal damage from head banging despite wearing a helmet and having funded accomodations like padding, the noise still carried and the neighbours still complained despite it being a designated residential care fscility.

As a PP upthread said no the op shouldn't have to take any of these steps herself, but this is the situation she is in.

Won't move, will find it very hard to get the neighbour to move, doesn't actually know what steps have already been taken, meanwhile due to inaction children are suffering.

Many LAs won't consider modified housing if you're already private renting, and there isn't a well of appropriate social housing out there either. Regardless of what path the OP chooses to go down, nothing will be done fast, and if that were my kids suffering I'd be doing whatever I could in the interim to make my house as sound proof as possible while I wait for an outcome or support, not waiting for various teams and disciplinaries to combine calendars, have their meetings, exhaust their options, or proceed down the legal route.

Whilst neighbour complaints can aid in getting people moved to more appropriate housing, even if it is agreed it is needed, it will take a very long time. As pp said. Unfortunately.

an end terrace might suit the young lad better if he can then just bang on that wall (& if he decides that’s the one wall to contain the banging).

padded walls are noisy (& expensive).

My son does this, it’s a really tough situation. I do feel sorry for the neighbors, but thankfully his bedroom is on the other side to them that is not attached. It can’t be stopped altogether, but maybe you could work out a rough schedule between you of when you both put the kids to bed so yours can get to sleep without being disturbed. It can’t be helped through the night though unfortunately. Maybe him in a different room might help. Please be tactful with her, she is struggling to sleep herself