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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To speak to my neighbour's about her disabled child?

538 replies

RootsBeforeTheFruits · 16/04/2025 23:16

OK I've named changed....

I've recently moved house and have been at the new house about 9 months, for the first few months next door was empty and being renovated. Once it finished it was quickly rented out to my current neighbour's. She's a nice enough woman we have a gab in passing, she had a son with additional needs.

Here's the problem ....it's a terraced style house and he frequently bangs shit out of the walls, in the day I don't mind as much it's the day, but he bangs well into the night i don't mean the odd tapping it's actually shaking our walls. It frequently wakes my children up in the night and they've been extra tired in school.

Do I speak to her about it, i explain to the children that he has additional needs and more than likely can't help this behavior, I really don't know what to do

OP posts:
Nikki75 · 18/04/2025 18:53

It's a difficult one but you and your family can't go on like that indefinitely.
I'd call round and have a chat explain what's happening and how its affecting your family going to school.
Be understanding..but firm that something needs to be done .

Loujay2 · 18/04/2025 18:55

RootsBeforeTheFruits · 16/04/2025 23:16

OK I've named changed....

I've recently moved house and have been at the new house about 9 months, for the first few months next door was empty and being renovated. Once it finished it was quickly rented out to my current neighbour's. She's a nice enough woman we have a gab in passing, she had a son with additional needs.

Here's the problem ....it's a terraced style house and he frequently bangs shit out of the walls, in the day I don't mind as much it's the day, but he bangs well into the night i don't mean the odd tapping it's actually shaking our walls. It frequently wakes my children up in the night and they've been extra tired in school.

Do I speak to her about it, i explain to the children that he has additional needs and more than likely can't help this behavior, I really don't know what to do

We have the same, my neighbours child is autistic and screams, bangs the walls, windows and everything outside like the gates etc. I have an illness that makes me hypersensitive to noise too so we all have to wear ear plugs at night, not basic foam but the noise cancelling ones, not ideal and quite expensive but it's the only way we can get any sleep. They are such a lovely family and my heart goes out to them, unfortunately my partner got fed up and shouted through the wall a few times but I told him to stop. They take her downstairs sometimes in the night if it gets really bad and she won't settle. Have a chat and see if you can come to a solution before you end up arguing, lack of sleep can cause all sorts of serious health problems.

TheHerboriste · 18/04/2025 19:09

Loujay2 · 18/04/2025 18:55

We have the same, my neighbours child is autistic and screams, bangs the walls, windows and everything outside like the gates etc. I have an illness that makes me hypersensitive to noise too so we all have to wear ear plugs at night, not basic foam but the noise cancelling ones, not ideal and quite expensive but it's the only way we can get any sleep. They are such a lovely family and my heart goes out to them, unfortunately my partner got fed up and shouted through the wall a few times but I told him to stop. They take her downstairs sometimes in the night if it gets really bad and she won't settle. Have a chat and see if you can come to a solution before you end up arguing, lack of sleep can cause all sorts of serious health problems.

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That sounds rough.

I wonder why they don’t create a bedroom downstairs for her. It would seem an obvious solution.

Jimmyneutronsforehead · 18/04/2025 19:20

TheHerboriste · 18/04/2025 19:09

That sounds rough.

I wonder why they don’t create a bedroom downstairs for her. It would seem an obvious solution.

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I can't speak for the PPs situation but space and safety are usually the reasons. Access to the kitchen/other hazards, not being on the same floor to monitor behaviour etc.

liamharha · 18/04/2025 19:20

RootsBeforeTheFruits · 16/04/2025 23:16

OK I've named changed....

I've recently moved house and have been at the new house about 9 months, for the first few months next door was empty and being renovated. Once it finished it was quickly rented out to my current neighbour's. She's a nice enough woman we have a gab in passing, she had a son with additional needs.

Here's the problem ....it's a terraced style house and he frequently bangs shit out of the walls, in the day I don't mind as much it's the day, but he bangs well into the night i don't mean the odd tapping it's actually shaking our walls. It frequently wakes my children up in the night and they've been extra tired in school.

Do I speak to her about it, i explain to the children that he has additional needs and more than likely can't help this behavior, I really don't know what to do

What do you hope to gain by talking to here about it ,she can't stop him believe if she could she would ,all you will achieve is make her feel judged and add another layer of pressure without solving the issue . This comment doesn't mean I don't sympathise with you. My try ear plugs ?

onetwothreecoffee · 18/04/2025 19:28

Op,
I am/have been living this same experience, minus that the child next door to me (terraced) has full time carers that live with him on rotating shifts rather than family.

The noise is horrendous, it can start anywhere between 6-10 pm and goes on until 4 am at times. The child next to me is older - teens and physically throws the furniture around the house, I'm talking throwing wardrobes against the floor and walls
on repeat for hours.

I spoke to them at first, they were very understanding, promised change
etc it never happened. I tried to be understanding but after a week solid of such disrupted sleep I was physically being sick, my partner couldn't drive as he didn't feel safe - he had to take sick leave as he was a delivery driver at the time, but so sleep deprived he couldn't stay awake at the wheel, no exaggeration. I called social services and the council and put in a noise complaint, I didn't want to, I felt awful but I felt I had no choice, we couldn't live that way. The child is now medicated, and it is better, but we still
have times when they are up all night. I would say try to talk to the neighbour, yes she knows it happens but may not be aware of just how much you can hear, but you may have no choice than to put in a complaint, unless you choose to move. It's not a nice situation to be in and I have a lot of empathy for you and for them. I hope it gets sorted out for you, other things you can try in your house for your kids is white noise/ classical music / Yoto players - I find leaving them playing low level all night helps them sleep better.

Bumpitybumper · 18/04/2025 19:52

liamharha · 18/04/2025 19:20

What do you hope to gain by talking to here about it ,she can't stop him believe if she could she would ,all you will achieve is make her feel judged and add another layer of pressure without solving the issue . This comment doesn't mean I don't sympathise with you. My try ear plugs ?

Show quote history

What a crazy post! Trying to guilt trip OP for even talking to her neighbour. We have absolutely no idea if the neighbour is doing all they can to make the noise stop. OP is absolutely within her rights to complain to the authorities about this noise and have it treated in the same way as other statutory noise.

PorridgeEater · 18/04/2025 20:08

Fullofpudding · 16/04/2025 23:18

There’s probably nothing she can do unfortunately and I feel for you both. Can you have additional sound proofing added to your walls?

This

BeenThere2Often · 18/04/2025 20:37

Your neighbour knows. I can promise you.
They too will be exhausted, and depressed to the deepest level of their psyche as they will have had years of it.

If it’s going on during the day the neighbour is unlikely to be getting adequate support or respite.
It’s a shit show all round. Am very sorry for you too though. (I am similarly sorry for my own neighbours as we also live in a Victorian Terrace with our similar child, who has autism and severe learning difficulties and extreme behaviour).

Can I beg that you be as kind as you can find it possible to be to your neighbour and direct them to this website:
https://www.gov.uk/disabled-facilities-grants/what-youll-get

There are actually loads of things that can be done to the housing to assist with soundproofing if the child is under 18 and eligible and we had this done via this grant.

We had an OT assigned who came around and helped with all things including soundproofing. They are able to order a specialist bed for example that will surround the child’s bed with soundproofing. They can put some sort of specialist glass in the window which cuts down on noise escaping too.

It may be that your telling her about this, and being lovely and supportive, (not least because being anything else cannot help anyone) could help her with the disabled facilities grant, as she can cite you as a witness. Maybe you could offer to write a letter to social services which might increase the speed of their allocating support.

Really sorry for you OP and you sound kind, just desperate. But if you can extend a hand a friendship in this way, ultimately you might help to get this sorted and make life a bit better for both you and your neighbour.

Disabled Facilities Grants

Disabled Facilities Grants help towards the costs of making changes to your home so you can continue to live there

https://www.gov.uk/disabled-facilities-grants/what-youll-get

3rdtimeidiot · 18/04/2025 20:43

If you do decide to approach them about it, please be kind they’re probably at breaking point as it is from experience

knor · 18/04/2025 21:08

I’d definitely have a chat with her but keep it super super nice. Like ask if there’s anything that can be done or if he can move to a different room but you 100-% know it’s not intentional

Lindylou2703 · 18/04/2025 21:29

My son is autistic and non verbal and my neighbour recently came round to tell us the noise he made was getting her down. We were not offended at all, just upset that it was distressing her. Please tell her and let her know you understand and you're not having a go.

Mumandgrandma85 · 18/04/2025 21:36

Maybe just have a conversation about it and then when she says about maybe not knowing what to do or what they've already tried say to her oh I read about some sensory things that might help I know it's a long shot but you never know
Sensory Alternatives:
Provide safe and calming sensory activities like a stress ball, weighted blanket, or fidget toys to help the child regulate their senses without resorting to banging.

Sennelier1 · 18/04/2025 21:47

Could you possibly sit together with your neighbour for a mother-to-mother talk and try to find a solution? The boy is in his teens, so not a baby anymore. Maybe he could direct his activity to a dedicated place in the house or the garden? Would a punchbag help? Or maybe his parents/his mother could ask him to only punch a mattress put up against one wall, and make it clear to him that's the only place he's allowed to punch?

x2boys · 18/04/2025 21:51

Sennelier1 · 18/04/2025 21:47

Could you possibly sit together with your neighbour for a mother-to-mother talk and try to find a solution? The boy is in his teens, so not a baby anymore. Maybe he could direct his activity to a dedicated place in the house or the garden? Would a punchbag help? Or maybe his parents/his mother could ask him to only punch a mattress put up against one wall, and make it clear to him that's the only place he's allowed to punch?

I dont think you understand severe autism my so will be 15 next months and is cognitivly around 2/3

DetectiveDouche · 18/04/2025 22:10

KarCat · 16/04/2025 23:18

Of course speak to her!
She may be unaware he’s doing it.
Your poor kids must be shattered.

Not half as shattered as the poor mum of this child. Been there.. lived that. The neighbours complaining is the last thing she needs.. her life is hard enough. OP, look for a solution that reduces the noise your side. You have that luxury

SouthLondonMum22 · 18/04/2025 22:13

Sennelier1 · 18/04/2025 21:47

Could you possibly sit together with your neighbour for a mother-to-mother talk and try to find a solution? The boy is in his teens, so not a baby anymore. Maybe he could direct his activity to a dedicated place in the house or the garden? Would a punchbag help? Or maybe his parents/his mother could ask him to only punch a mattress put up against one wall, and make it clear to him that's the only place he's allowed to punch?

How do you make it clear to a non verbal severely autistic teen who may physically look like a teen but that's where the likeness ends?

TheHerboriste · 18/04/2025 22:14

DetectiveDouche · 18/04/2025 22:10

Not half as shattered as the poor mum of this child. Been there.. lived that. The neighbours complaining is the last thing she needs.. her life is hard enough. OP, look for a solution that reduces the noise your side. You have that luxury

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The other person’s plight is not the OP’s problem. She has to think of her own family’s health.

NaiceEagle · 18/04/2025 23:00

Maybe ask her how things are going, seeing as she has shared with you about his additional needs, and ask what support she is getting. She may open up that support is lacking. Maybe school could help or the MP. My sister has had this situation from next door to her, from a lovely family.
My sister working ft too, was often at her wit's end by 3am. She contacted her local MP as the school could not cope either and the child was not in education. It will be distressing for both you and your neighbours. I feel for you all.

DrPrunesqualer · 19/04/2025 01:21

DetectiveDouche · 18/04/2025 22:10

Not half as shattered as the poor mum of this child. Been there.. lived that. The neighbours complaining is the last thing she needs.. her life is hard enough. OP, look for a solution that reduces the noise your side. You have that luxury

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It’s not OPs responsibility
She must talk to the neighbour
Keep a record
Talk to landlords if nothing changes

OPs kids and her own health are her concern
She has rights too. A right to peaceful enjoyment of her home and a right to sleep.
The disruption and noise is affecting the health and well-being of OP and her children.
The neighbour needs to know and needs to find a solution.

TumbledTussocks · 19/04/2025 07:46

ButterCrackers · 17/04/2025 13:10

The son can be stopped from banging on the walls. It’s unacceptable to give you this noise. Report to the local council for noise.

I don’t think you’ve much experience of non verbal teenage lads.

ButterCrackers · 19/04/2025 07:58

TumbledTussocks · 19/04/2025 07:46

I don’t think you’ve much experience of non verbal teenage lads.

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Do you think that the op has to put up with the noise?

Bumpitybumper · 19/04/2025 08:09

DetectiveDouche · 18/04/2025 22:10

Not half as shattered as the poor mum of this child. Been there.. lived that. The neighbours complaining is the last thing she needs.. her life is hard enough. OP, look for a solution that reduces the noise your side. You have that luxury

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No, absolutely don't be guilt tripped into doing this. How on earth is it a 'luxury' for OP to be forced to expend her own time, money and resources sound proofing her house from anti social and unreasonable noise coming for her neighbour's house? Sleep deprivation can kill people and is a basic human need.

The mother of the disabled child will have far more control over the situation than OP. She will have options. Maybe options she doesn't like or want to use but they will be available for her.

OP is completely within her rights to complain to the LA and to take formal action.

Sheeparelooseagain · 19/04/2025 08:27

"She will have options. Maybe options she doesn't like or want to use but they will be available for her."

Which are ?

Sheeparelooseagain · 19/04/2025 08:30

I assume you are excluding tie him up but may be you are not.