Why do people hate big families?

[FluffyPaw]

I have 4 children and my sister has 3 children. We often go out together in the holidays in DHs minibus.

Last week we went to the forest (national park, lots for kids to do). We pulled up and as we started getting out I noticed a couple who were sat on the grass with a toddler roll their eyes at each other. Another family started packing up and moved further away - making a scene of how put out they were. There was no bad language from us, no shouting - the kids were excited yes but no misbehaving. Did we really deserve such a frosty welcome?

yesterday we went to a farm - again clearly designed with kids in mind, huge play area, food to feed the animals, an area in the woods for kids to build dens - so not designed to be a quiet place by any means.

We pulled up and as we started walking towards the ticket office I saw a woman literally look us up and down and say to her husband “we timed this wrong”. He didn’t respond but didn’t look happy either. The kids were excited and chatting, again not misbehaving.

later we went to the play area and obviously the kids were excited and running. An older lady picked up who I assumed to be a grandchild and said “come on before you get knocked flying by this lot”. I nicely said to her “don’t worry, they won’t knock her over, they’re gentle with small children” and she literally blanked me and stormed off.

Why do people hate large families?? It’s really made me quite sad. Meant to be going to a stately home tomorrow and I’m already dreading it.

Do they actually 'hate' them or just move out of the way for them? I think PP was right about it being perhaps 'too people-y'.

I think people are just generally people-averse now. If they're not with them then they're not engaging with them and don't want to be around them. A larger group of people just makes them act faster.

Tbf if the DC need to be "herded" everywhere then that suggests they are not as quiet or well-behaved as the parents like to think...

I think some people do dislike very large families, I don't think they hate them, that's too strong, but they disapprove, let's say. I know I do. Personally for me, anything more than four (unless blended) is too many. 7,8,9 plus is ridiculous, selfish and immoral.

But you don't count as a very large family. Four kids and three kids is two separate families, neither excessively large.

Perhaps you are just a bit of a rowdy bunch and the children seem a bit 'spirited'.

No. But we've all seen the families who run around being loud as they like and as though they own the place. For someone to comment that they were leaving because they thought they'd get knocked over, my guess is that OP's kids are this family. You can have a day out without spoiling everyone else's.

I have friends and family members with 3 children and in my experience they don’t normally cause any issues in terms of behaviour in public… unless the kids are quite close in age, so for example three under 5’s. They can be a bit tiresome to be around (I actually described my friend’s kids as “wild”) but the parents don’t seem to notice, I presume they are genuinely used to it and don’t hear the noise, the bickering, the bad language used etc. I’ve even witnessed physical aggression such as shoving and pushing being described as normal.
Perhaps the way you think the children behave versus the way they actually behave is different ?

Yep. Had this happen at a hotel swimming pool in France. We all walked in to have a swim and the couple with their teenage son walked out after looking at us all. They were European.

4DC, DH and I.

This. I like seeing children playing and being happy and excited, but I find lots of noise overwhelming. I’d never ask or expect other people to be quiet outdoors, but I would move myself to somewhere quieter. It’s not personal - and I’d do the same with adults.

If I had seen 7 excited kids jumping out a mini bus I wouldn’t assume you were a large family. I’d assume it was a birthday party or something.

& yeah it would “disturb the peace” a bit even in a place designed for children. It isn’t about hating large families.

I would imagine with 7 kids there’s quite a spread of ages. Sometimes it can be quite tedious when you are at an activity that is clearly more small child friendly (farm, certain soft plays) & then kids 10+ come barrelling in amongst what is mostly kids under 6.

Ok I'm in my 50s but have 50+ first cousins!!! When we turned up it was like the tribes of Israel. People think you are travellers or the kids will run riot. Also that you will take over everything.

in our case we'd be toast if we even thought of stepping out of line! I was 25 both my parents had died and one of my aunties went nuts because she thought I was too skinny!!! I was spot on for bmi!

I agree with others, it’s probably not that they hate big families but rather than 7 excited children appearing all at once in a big group, even if well behaved, are not going to be a particularly calm or quiet bunch! It probably comes across a bit rowdy, so people will move out the way to give you space, and the comment about bad timing is surely quite obviously just about having the stand behind/queue for longer due to the big group?

I don’t think anyone has an issue at all with big families as long as you can afford to support them, and parent them in public so that they don’t negatively impact other people.

Seven children will be noisy, even just chatting normally. Nothing wrong with that, but nothing wrong with wanting to avoid the noise, either. If people are just moving away or calmly discussing moving away, you need to stop being oversensitive. It doesn't mean they 'hate' your family.

People moving away doesn't mean they hate big families, though. It could just be that they'd prefer to move somewhere quieter - acknowledging that your family had just as much right to be there as them.

Yes I wonder if it’s this. Although from the examples it’s not clear whether there were 2 or more adults in charge of 7 kids.

Also a big group can dominate and take over (not necessarily families, I mean any group outing). I wouldn’t think this would matter so much at a farm or big outdoor place where the kids are spread out though.

The common denominator here appears to be you.

Perhaps your version of “happy, excited and running” isn’t as tame as you think it is? The issue I have with large families is, they tend to congregate in groups which makes it really difficult for us to get to places with my disabled daughter, sometimes it seems they lose all sense of the sheer amount of space they take up and how loud they can be. But, we also understand the world doesn’t revolve around us either and we just have to suck it up and move on. If we move away from you as a big family it isn’t because we hate you, it’s because our daughter just can’t cope with it.

4 such frosty receptions within a week suggests you are more disruptive than you think.

It might be that the children make a bit of a commotion and are rowdy. But as you’re used to them being like that you are eye and ear blind to it. I’d move too, as it sounds a bit lively for my preferences (and what I am used to).

I imagine 6 boys together are quite rowdy even if you’re used to it.

I was one of 4 and no reactions like this although we were 3 girls 1 boy so maybe people perceived us to be less rowdy??

My SIL has seven kids.

she thinks they are a lovely close family who play together really well.

i think they’re pretty feral, incredibly loud and bloody annoying.

Seven children arriving en masse is going to impact the place they arrive in. They are a group, and because of that will dominate the space, make a lot of noise and generally take up a lot of room moving around together. It might also feel a bit intimidating to lone DC to have them all turn up together at the playground. People don't necessarily hate large families to prefer not to have to share space with them. They should keep this to thenselves though as it's not the DCs fault.

It only takes one knob child
Why assume a group together are instantly going to be the dicks?

innocent until proven guilty

I would move over if 6 loud boys would come my way tbh. No matter whether they're related or not.

I've got a couple of friends with big families (5 & 6 children respectively) and honestly their children aren't as well behaved as my two (because it's harder to supervise more children not because I'm a better parent) and they are loud. My friends don't notice the volume, and you probably don't either.

I also dread getting stuck behind a big group at farm or activity pay desks because it takes forever - how many children, how many of what age, who wants animal feed, who wants soft play tokens....just hurry up.

I'd move too. I don't want to be surrounded by badly behaved kids and you can't tell on first glance which will be horrors and which won't, so I will avoid the issue altogether if I can.

I agree, people's perceptions of their own family are very different to other people's.

I have a friend with four children and it's just constant whining, arguing and fighting for the parent's attention. I find it absolutely exhausting to witness but she claims it's great.

I think your kids are louder than you think OP.