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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Why do people hate big families?

281 replies

FluffyPaw · 16/04/2025 19:33

I have 4 children and my sister has 3 children. We often go out together in the holidays in DHs minibus.

Last week we went to the forest (national park, lots for kids to do). We pulled up and as we started getting out I noticed a couple who were sat on the grass with a toddler roll their eyes at each other. Another family started packing up and moved further away - making a scene of how put out they were. There was no bad language from us, no shouting - the kids were excited yes but no misbehaving. Did we really deserve such a frosty welcome?

yesterday we went to a farm - again clearly designed with kids in mind, huge play area, food to feed the animals, an area in the woods for kids to build dens - so not designed to be a quiet place by any means.

We pulled up and as we started walking towards the ticket office I saw a woman literally look us up and down and say to her husband “we timed this wrong”. He didn’t respond but didn’t look happy either. The kids were excited and chatting, again not misbehaving.

later we went to the play area and obviously the kids were excited and running. An older lady picked up who I assumed to be a grandchild and said “come on before you get knocked flying by this lot”. I nicely said to her “don’t worry, they won’t knock her over, they’re gentle with small children” and she literally blanked me and stormed off.

Why do people hate large families?? It’s really made me quite sad. Meant to be going to a stately home tomorrow and I’m already dreading it.

OP posts:
CanYouTurnItDown · 17/04/2025 17:31

frozendaisy · 16/04/2025 20:12

So?

Does anyone go to a family farm in Easter Holidays on a nice day for peace and quiet?

Show quote history

Well it’s not somewhere that kids should be running around like crazy being loud. There are animals to be careful of so I’d expect it to be busy but quiet to be honest.

Moii · 17/04/2025 17:49

I think it's they assume big families are claiming benefits, of course not all are.

utterexasperation · 17/04/2025 18:12

Moii · 17/04/2025 17:49

I think it's they assume big families are claiming benefits, of course not all are.

Well they are getting family allowance for each child but I don't think that's a major cause.

Whatsitreallylike · 17/04/2025 18:26

Big groups of people (families, childminders etc…) don’t even register for me unless they’re loud rude or boisterous. If your getting the sort of reaction you suggest then it’s probably that

NoFrillyStuff · 17/04/2025 18:32

I’m from a big family myself and I don’t recall any side eyes at us when we were younger, not that I would’ve noticed or cared.

I got the usual predictable and boring comments though ‘did your mum and dad not have a tv?’ and ‘are your parents catholic? rah rah’
Those ‘hilarious’ comments were always met with a blank expression and me saying ‘ eh, what do you mean?’
They didn’t usually explain themselves further😏

Edit: Try not to get upset, op. It says more about them as people, than you and your family. As another pp said, some people are just arseholes.

Ivymom · 17/04/2025 19:06

I have five kids and have been on the receiving end of bad assumptions upon arrival. When my kids were small, my DH worked away every other week. This meant I was usually taking the kids places on my own. Unfortunately, most people have encountered large families of unruly children who don’t seem bothered to actually parent them, so some of them assume all large families will be that way. People also assume that any children will be disruptive, so large families make them nervous.

I can’t say none of my children ever misbehaved in public because they were children who behaved appropriately to their ages. What most people don’t realize is that most larger families have to plan more carefully, be more prepared and have a tighter reign on their children. Otherwise, things can devolve into a chaotic mess that makes going anywhere miserable.

I remember one specific vacation we took. Our youngest was only a few months old and our oldest was about 7. The place we traveled to had laws about how many people/sq ft were allowed in a hotel room. This was before Airbnb’s were really a thing. We ended up renting a suite in a really upscale hotel because that was safer and more economical than getting multiple rooms in a cheaper hotel. At check in, the staff member warned us that if we were disruptive, they would have to ask us to leave. A couple of days later, they were complimenting our children on their good behavior.

That same trip, we booked a meal at an upscale restaurant. They didn’t have a children’s menu, so I made arrangements for the kitchen to split a couple of entrees. Again, we were warned at booking that if our children were disruptive, we would be asked to leave. By the end of the meal, other diners were coming up to our table and complimenting our children on their good behavior. The restaurant gave our children complimentary deserts to reward them for behaving.

I learned to not get upset about people’s assumptions. I just did what I needed to do to make our outings enjoyable and successful. The ironic thing is the only time anyone ever said anything negative to us was when we had two children. We were eating at a restaurant that catered to families with small children. One of our DC was telling my husband about a story they heard in Sunday school. They were not raising their voice and were speaking quieter than the lady at the table next to us. That lady came to our table and berated and shouted at my husband for allowing our child to speak while in public. The restaurant staff actually asked her to leave and apologized to us for her rudeness.

Zoec1975 · 17/04/2025 19:14

I have five kids,have never had a problem with people though.ive had the usual comments about not having a tv,i just laugh at them

ArtTheClownIsNotAMime · 17/04/2025 19:17

Ivymom · 17/04/2025 19:06

I have five kids and have been on the receiving end of bad assumptions upon arrival. When my kids were small, my DH worked away every other week. This meant I was usually taking the kids places on my own. Unfortunately, most people have encountered large families of unruly children who don’t seem bothered to actually parent them, so some of them assume all large families will be that way. People also assume that any children will be disruptive, so large families make them nervous.

I can’t say none of my children ever misbehaved in public because they were children who behaved appropriately to their ages. What most people don’t realize is that most larger families have to plan more carefully, be more prepared and have a tighter reign on their children. Otherwise, things can devolve into a chaotic mess that makes going anywhere miserable.

I remember one specific vacation we took. Our youngest was only a few months old and our oldest was about 7. The place we traveled to had laws about how many people/sq ft were allowed in a hotel room. This was before Airbnb’s were really a thing. We ended up renting a suite in a really upscale hotel because that was safer and more economical than getting multiple rooms in a cheaper hotel. At check in, the staff member warned us that if we were disruptive, they would have to ask us to leave. A couple of days later, they were complimenting our children on their good behavior.

That same trip, we booked a meal at an upscale restaurant. They didn’t have a children’s menu, so I made arrangements for the kitchen to split a couple of entrees. Again, we were warned at booking that if our children were disruptive, we would be asked to leave. By the end of the meal, other diners were coming up to our table and complimenting our children on their good behavior. The restaurant gave our children complimentary deserts to reward them for behaving.

I learned to not get upset about people’s assumptions. I just did what I needed to do to make our outings enjoyable and successful. The ironic thing is the only time anyone ever said anything negative to us was when we had two children. We were eating at a restaurant that catered to families with small children. One of our DC was telling my husband about a story they heard in Sunday school. They were not raising their voice and were speaking quieter than the lady at the table next to us. That lady came to our table and berated and shouted at my husband for allowing our child to speak while in public. The restaurant staff actually asked her to leave and apologized to us for her rudeness.

What an unusual series of anecdotes...

Sugarfish · 17/04/2025 19:41

I’d move to be honest. You could all be perfectly lovely people but 7 kids will make a lot of noise. It’s a me thing, so I’d remove myself from it.

SouthLondonMum22 · 17/04/2025 19:45

I'd move if I saw 7 children approaching me too. No matter how well behaved they are, 7 children are going to be loud.

If you are getting constant comments, they might not be as well behaved as you think.

ChocolateAddictAlways · 17/04/2025 19:53

Sometimes it’s less to do with big families and more about big groups of people. I know some people who just prefer soft play, farm trips, playgroups etc when there are fewer people there. I think they’ve just got to get on with it, they can’t control crowds etc

A previous poster used a term ‘a bit peopley’ and I think that sums it up well. Maybe they just don’t like it when places are a bit peopley.

Mistyglade · 17/04/2025 19:57

GoodCharl · 16/04/2025 19:35

You do you. Don't worry about others. Flick them the Vs and carry on your day 🤪

Yeh that’ll work. Hmm

creamandcookies2 · 17/04/2025 19:59

I would have to agree with you OP. My sister has 6 and has told me about many dirty looks she receives, my mum had 4 and she got told off from her family for being pregnant the fourth time in her 40s. I have 3 which I wouldn't class as a big family at all, but the amount of uninvited comments I received about three being too many was a real eye-opener, especially as I already had one of each. My MIL was particularly nasty, and said my late FIL would have told us how stupid we were! I think people tend to think one or two children makes up the respectable middle-class families, while any more than that is seen as irresponsible.

SouthLondonMum22 · 17/04/2025 20:02

creamandcookies2 · 17/04/2025 19:59

I would have to agree with you OP. My sister has 6 and has told me about many dirty looks she receives, my mum had 4 and she got told off from her family for being pregnant the fourth time in her 40s. I have 3 which I wouldn't class as a big family at all, but the amount of uninvited comments I received about three being too many was a real eye-opener, especially as I already had one of each. My MIL was particularly nasty, and said my late FIL would have told us how stupid we were! I think people tend to think one or two children makes up the respectable middle-class families, while any more than that is seen as irresponsible.

I have 3 and don't get any comments about having 3 though it is fairly obvious 2 are twins.

Though, I say that, it's probably what people say the most ''Ohhh, are they twins?''

My favourite answer is ''No, I just kidnapped the other one''. 😁

Mistyglade · 17/04/2025 20:03

I’ve even biffed out of the way by boisterous kids in these types of situations. If they look as though they’re gonna be a noisy pita then I understand the eye rolling and moving. I’m not sure hating big families is the issue.

Springadorable · 17/04/2025 20:13

Your kids are louder than you think, and stray further than you think. Otherwise people don't care.

Mistyglade · 17/04/2025 20:16

Mistyglade · 17/04/2025 20:03

I’ve even biffed out of the way by boisterous kids in these types of situations. If they look as though they’re gonna be a noisy pita then I understand the eye rolling and moving. I’m not sure hating big families is the issue.

’Been biffed’ not even

Decafwhite · 17/04/2025 20:23

Skipping quietly away. I had 7 kids with 6 under 6. When we went out as a family they knew if anyone misbehaved we'd be back to our minibus & home. All grown up now, miss those days...

Crazyworldmum · 17/04/2025 20:24

I’m not convinced this had much to do with numbers and maybe your lot is a bit to boisterous ? We often go out in the summer our whole family ( 7 of us ) and we never had that . If we are having dinner at a restaurant we often get asked if they are all ours but not more than that .

ConstanceM · 17/04/2025 20:37

If it looks like a duck and sounds like a duck, it's a duck.

MagsterMum · 17/04/2025 20:59

We have 6. I used to be very conscious of this especially when the kids have to take turns on something or queuing for a ride etc. We've had smaller families ask to jump the queue because there's only one or two of them. I used to feel so embarrassed I'd let them and then rush my children because I'd hear comments behind us and huffing and puffing but I've learnt to let go and think they all need equal time and I don't mean just my children I also mean the children who went before us and the ones who will go after us...why am i rushing my children so they get 1 minute on an activity and all other children get 3 mins...?? so I no longer rush them and I don't let people go ahead of us... on the other hand we've also had random children just randomly stuck to us like glue on holidays...which is another thread in itself..as its not always a good thing..

Hmm1234 · 17/04/2025 21:02

Haha I can’t believe you fail to see it from the other side imagine an elderly couple out on a peaceful country walk and a bus full of young children turn up

Hmm1234 · 17/04/2025 21:03

Moii · 17/04/2025 17:49

I think it's they assume big families are claiming benefits, of course not all are.

And this the elder generation seem to have an idea about lower classes, fertility and benefits etc

noodlebugz · 17/04/2025 21:19

I hope I wouldn’t react like any of the people cited and in the past I haven’t, I have 2 smaller children and haven’t ruled out a third.
But looking round now - I see (and my dais) found an article backing up what I’d been musing that having a third one and being able to go out and do stuff (or more) is either a sign of wealth or being very frugal (which I am not!).
Anecdotally you see far fewer big families around than when we were kids (1980s) and I think stats back it up - I wonder if perhaps they’re just not as used to them at stately homes / the farm?

TheeNotoriousPIG · 17/04/2025 21:21

It will partly because big families are "different", and humans (and animals!) do not usually like anything that is "different".

Some people take one look and assume that large groups of children cannot be adequately controlled by the accompanying adult(s). I'm not sure how they think that teachers cope, keeping 30 children under control all day (even on school trips, when accompanied by extra adults), never mind a parent with 3+ children.

As long as your children are healthy, happy and looked after properly, with some one-to-one time with parents, I don't see a problem with it. Enjoy your family for as long as you can, OP!

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