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AIBU?

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Original poster

No show for bday celebration

158 replies

Testingmypatience1 · 16/04/2025 13:28

I need to know if I am being unreasonable.

I was 40 last weekend. I had a drinks party followed by a relaxed sit down meal ( bowl foods) and invited 35/40 friends. Everyone turned up (and it was a great night) but one person.
This one person has been a friend of mine for 15 years or so.

She didn’t message me to say she wasn’t coming on the night, she just didn’t turn up. I haven’t heard from her since either. I am pretty gutted. And hurt.

Fast forward to this Easter weekend, she has her own party, an annual thing she hosts.

She still hasn’t contacted me, so I got in contact with her to check she was okay, and to say I was upset that she didn’t come for my birthday. She basically gave a half arsed apology saying she was too busy and had so much going on. A non apology really.

I don’t know whether to go on Saturday or am I being petty?

Her reply has made me feel worse somehow. Like her life is far too important to fit me in… and I am reevaluating the friendship now. wwyd?

OP posts:
DenholmElliot11 · 16/04/2025 13:32

Did you cater for her? So you paid for her meal and she just didn't show up?

If so i'd be quite annoyed.

If not, I'd go on Saturday. Yeah she was less than polite but I love a party myself. Especially when I'm not the one organising it. Go.

Original poster
Testingmypatience1 · 16/04/2025 13:33

The food was paid for yes, it wasn’t very expensive as it was bowl food.

I feel disrespected. A party is not more important than my feelings, well not to me anyway!

OP posts:
GCAcademic · 16/04/2025 13:37

Go to her party and make sure to eat and drink twice as much as you normally would to make up for her no show.

Original poster
Testingmypatience1 · 16/04/2025 13:42

I don’t think eating twice as much is going to make me feel that much better tbh 🤣

It was my 40th bday. Surely you rock for a milestone bday? and to not even message is just rude. In my opinion.

OP posts:
MakeItToTheMoon · 16/04/2025 13:53

How has your friend treated you in the past? If it’s a one off incidence I may be inclined to forgive and forget… if it’s a pattern of behaviour then it may be a good idea to step back in the friendship. I would still go and sit back and assess her behaviour with you. You still can have fun with other friends.

Did she get you a present for your birthday? Or even call/ message happy birthday on the actual day?

arcticpandas · 16/04/2025 13:55

I wouldn't go to her do since she wasn't even regretful about ditching yours. She doesn't sound like a friend at all. I hate parties but I make an effort and if I can't come I let the person know in advance. It's called basic manners.

PassingStranger · 16/04/2025 13:58

Dosent sound like much of a friend, if she didn't even bother to wish you happy birthday or tell.you she couldn't make the party.

Katrinawaves · 16/04/2025 13:58

id be inclined to message her again and say “Sarah, you didn’t turn up for a pre-catered sit down meal for my 40th birthday with no message in advance. Whether you meant it or not that’s quite a public snub and statement. What was really going on here?” and see how she responds. She may genuinely have thought that her absence wouldn’t be noticed or matter to you and when she knows that it did, you might get a more heartfelt apology

angelinawasrobbed · 16/04/2025 14:02

I’d tread carefully, in case she was struggling with something (infidelity? aged parent illness?) which she just wasn’t ready to talk about when you contacted her - hence the bland nothings instead. If you’ve had a good, long, truly mutual friendship in the past, she surely deserves the benefit of the doubt until more
becomes clear?

(I had part of a breast removed and didn’t tell family or friends until afterwards. Just wanted to retreat to my lair and lick
my wounds till it was over)

HuffleMyPuffle · 16/04/2025 14:03

That sounds like code for something else was going on and she doesn't want to dicuss it yet/via text

I also don't believe in tit for tat "you didn't come to my party so I'm not coming to yours"

Condensedmilkdrinker · 16/04/2025 14:05

Did she even wish you a happy birthday on the actual day you turned 40? Not messaging you to explain why she was a no show prior to your party is inexcusable.

grumpygrape · 16/04/2025 14:06

If a friend of mine didn’t turn up for my birthday celebration I would have been on the phone the next day asking if she was OK. But then, I‘m a dinosaur who thinks, phone, before, passive aggressive, wait for a text.

Go to her party and see how things pan out.

Original poster
Testingmypatience1 · 16/04/2025 14:07

She does have form for being quite self absorbed. She is always the centre of attention which I have never minded. I was embarrassed she didn’t turn up, and more so because other friends did notice.

She basically said she was too busy?’ What kind of excuse is that? It’s really crap. We are always expected to show up for her, but it’s rarely reciprocated and she did the same thing to a mutual friend of ours a few years ago.

OP posts:
Bernadinetta · 16/04/2025 14:07

Not the point, but what is bowl food? 🤔

Original poster
Testingmypatience1 · 16/04/2025 14:08

Condensedmilkdrinker · 16/04/2025 14:05

Did she even wish you a happy birthday on the actual day you turned 40? Not messaging you to explain why she was a no show prior to your party is inexcusable.

No she didn’t. Not a word.

OP posts:
LittleMonks11 · 16/04/2025 14:09

If something was going on she could have messaged to say happy birthday so sorry I can’t make your big bash - let’s catch up soon. She didn’t bother. Did she send you an invite to her Easter party or just ask you when you messaged her? It sounds like she trying to fade you out. I’d just move on. You’ve got lots of other friends by the sounds of it.

mindutopia · 16/04/2025 14:09

Do you want to go to her Easter party?

It’s shit what she’s done, yes. If it’s the first time she’s ever done something like this, I’d be inclined to give her some grace. It’s horribly rude, but we sometimes we don’t know what’s going on behind the scenes and maybe she’s downplaying whatever it is that really happened.

Do you actually want to go to her party and continue the friendship? If you do, then go. I wouldn’t be overjoyed to see her, but I’d make the most of time with other friends. If you don’t want to go and feel like the friendship is irretrievably damaged, just send your apologies. Me personally, I would let her know how upset you were now. Get it out in the air. Don’t take it all with you if you decide to go.

mindutopia · 16/04/2025 14:10

Bernadinetta · 16/04/2025 14:07

Not the point, but what is bowl food? 🤔

Like crisps and dips.

LittleMonks11 · 16/04/2025 14:12

Olives and nuts

madaboutpurple · 16/04/2025 14:13

As yet you don't know her reasons. I would wait until you next meet up, just the two of you. It might have been an important issue was happening and she didn't want to spoil your event.

Hastentoadd · 16/04/2025 14:16

Testingmypatience1 · 16/04/2025 14:07

She does have form for being quite self absorbed. She is always the centre of attention which I have never minded. I was embarrassed she didn’t turn up, and more so because other friends did notice.

She basically said she was too busy?’ What kind of excuse is that? It’s really crap. We are always expected to show up for her, but it’s rarely reciprocated and she did the same thing to a mutual friend of ours a few years ago.

Don’t bother going, she doesn’t deserve your friendship

PrincessOfPreschool · 16/04/2025 14:16

If her party will be fun and other friends there then go. If it's just her that you know and you're in a mood/ won't have a good time with her, don't go. But just because you don't enjoy it, not to 'her back at her'.

I do think she was rude but it could be some thing's going on that she's not ready to talk about. I don't believe in the whole tit for tat thing, (you didn't come to my party so I'm not going to yours) which is primary school behaviour.

IberianBird · 16/04/2025 14:17

TBH OP. This really wouldn't bother me. I got married a few weeks ago and there were a few people that didn't show up despite RSVP. You know what, it's ok. Sometimes life just happens. We still had an amazing celebration, their non appearance didn't change anything.
And yes, they are still our friends/family and we would still attend any events they are hosting. I don't keep score in our friendships.

ginasevern · 16/04/2025 14:23

Testingmypatience1 · 16/04/2025 14:07

She does have form for being quite self absorbed. She is always the centre of attention which I have never minded. I was embarrassed she didn’t turn up, and more so because other friends did notice.

She basically said she was too busy?’ What kind of excuse is that? It’s really crap. We are always expected to show up for her, but it’s rarely reciprocated and she did the same thing to a mutual friend of ours a few years ago.

So the obvious question is why the hell do you value her friendship so much? She sounds self absorbed and not particularly nice.

Original poster
Testingmypatience1 · 16/04/2025 14:29

Bernadinetta · 16/04/2025 14:07

Not the point, but what is bowl food? 🤔

Bowl food is lots of different types of hot food that comes out, so not a large main course. Just hot chicken or salad etc. It’s much more relaxed.

Just to be clear I am not point scoring. I only want to go to the party if I am not feeling quietly cross with her, I don’t want there to be tension. I am not sure if I am being overly sensitive or not. Being busy is kind of insulting isn’t it? We are all busy.

OP posts:
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