Page 4 | No show for bday celebration

Testingmypatience1 · 2025-04-16T12:28:47+00:00

I need to know if I am being unreasonable. I was 40 last weekend. I had a drinks party followed by a relaxed sit down meal ( bowl foods) and invited 35/40 friends. Everyone turned up (and it was a great night) but one person. This one person has been a friend of mine for 15 years or so. She didn’t message me to say she wasn’t coming on the night, she just didn’t turn up. I haven’t heard from her since either. I am pretty gutted. And hurt. Fast forward to this Easter weekend, she has her own party, an annual thing she hosts. She still hasn’t contacted me, so I got in contact with her to check she was okay, and to say I was upset that she didn’t come for my birthday. She basically gave a half arsed apology saying she was too busy and had so much going on. A non apology really. I don’t know whether to go on Saturday or am I being petty? Her reply has made me feel worse somehow. Like her life is far too important to fit me in… and I am reevaluating the friendship now. wwyd?

PluckyBamboo · 16/04/2025 21:45

I've maybe missed this but has she actually invited you to the Easter party or are you just assuming?

I wouldn't go this weekend as you are obviously still miffed she snubbed you.

Hollieandtheivie · 16/04/2025 21:52

I live in the sticks and hadn't heard of bowl food parties. I was wondering if it's a bit like tapas but from the menu, it's not.

I agree with what someone else says about focusing on who did come and having lovely memories of your very well attended birthday. With regards to the forthcoming party, take the no show out of the equation, and did you want to attend before that happened? Yes, it's her event, but there's fun to be had there. As my mother would say "don't cut your nose off to spite your face".

Notashamed13 · 16/04/2025 21:54

Once I accepted all of my friends/acquaintances' strengths and weaknesses (lateness/flaky/there for the important things (crisis) etc.) I found it helped in situations like yours.....she's your friend for a reason....hard to explain... I consider myself a "shit" friend but one who will always be there in a time of desperate need.... you do you and they will do them, just don't have expectations beyond what you already know?......

ThinWomansBrain · 16/04/2025 22:04

Bernadinetta · 16/04/2025 14:07

Not the point, but what is bowl food? 🤔

37 Bowl Food Recipes | olivemagazine

bit more than a bowl of crisps😀
I'd expect small individual bowls of the type of food in this article - maybe 2-3 per person.
aubergine teriyaki bowl sounds good.

Teriyaki Aubergine Bowls with Radishes and Chopsticks

37 bowl food recipes

Our best ever bowl food recipes are really comforting and perfect for quick midweek meals or to serve to guests at a party. From on-trend breakfast smoothie bowls to noodle soups, try one tonight

https://www.olivemagazine.com/recipes/collection/best-ever-bowl-food-recipes/

EmeraldRoulette · 16/04/2025 22:08

@Notashamed13 "I consider myself a "shit" friend but one who will always be there in a time of desperate need"

how would anyone know that they could ask you for help? I mean if you're normally shit?

That's a distraction from the OP, but at least I'm not banging on about bowl food 😂

Notashamed13 · 16/04/2025 22:11

EmeraldRoulette · 16/04/2025 22:08

@Notashamed13 "I consider myself a "shit" friend but one who will always be there in a time of desperate need"

how would anyone know that they could ask you for help? I mean if you're normally shit?

That's a distraction from the OP, but at least I'm not banging on about bowl food 😂

Exactly......I guess you could ask the numerous long standing individuals in my life who I frequently leave unread but know that I'm there when it genuinely counts..... like I said its really hard to explain but once I accepted people for who they were it was a game changer.....I can't explain

EmeraldRoulette · 16/04/2025 22:14

@Notashamed13 but you must have a history of helping in crises or something?

Notashamed13 · 16/04/2025 22:18

EmeraldRoulette · 16/04/2025 22:14

@Notashamed13 but you must have a history of helping in crises or something?

Yes......I have friends who can send me shite about.....days out ya ya ya etc. I genuinely don't care..... you tell me your mum has died.... I'm there...... but they know that....

And from the OPs post she should know her friend too seeing as it is long standing.....accept the friend for who they are.....or don't..... but if you don't accept them it just leads to stress etc. Like I said its hard to explain..

SallyDraperGetInHere · 16/04/2025 22:18

Honestly, in your shoes, I’d let it go. As a pp said 34/35 is a really good showing, if it is really needling you, and you feel you can’t show up in good spirits to her party, don’t go. But I wouldn’t make it an ‘on principle’ thing.

People have a lot going on, some of which they don’t share, and personally I feel this social shock and ‘very rude’ comments just fuel an expectation that you MUST attend even if you know you’re in bad form, had a shocker of a work week, or are feeling a bit off for whatever reason. You like this person, who sounds interesting and good company, and I hope you’d a lovely time despite her absence. I’ve become a lot more forgiving over time, and the friends who were longterm flakes have winnowed themselves out from the friends who have an occasional bad day - not on the basis of one no-show but on drift over time.

Notashamed13 · 16/04/2025 22:22

EmeraldRoulette · 16/04/2025 22:14

@Notashamed13 but you must have a history of helping in crises or something?

I genuinely don't have any need for people....social media...constant contact.....I've got some kind of ND (undiagnosed) and literally all my efforts go into my daily life and child......I'm not selfish, I am doing me as best I can..... like I said its hard to explain.....people are not all the same.

RedHelenB · 16/04/2025 22:24

If she's a friend I wouldn't really give it much thought. All your other friends came, only having one who couldn't is a good thing. It seems quite petty to be going on about it.

EmeraldRoulette · 16/04/2025 22:25

Notashamed13 · 16/04/2025 22:22

I genuinely don't have any need for people....social media...constant contact.....I've got some kind of ND (undiagnosed) and literally all my efforts go into my daily life and child......I'm not selfish, I am doing me as best I can..... like I said its hard to explain.....people are not all the same.

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I'm just asking because I've heard it said by others on here that they would help in a crisis but don't reply to messages or answer the phone.

But if a person doesn't reply to me for months or even years, it wouldn't occur to me to ask them for help in a crisis!

I struggle to cope with daily life as well, by the way. But I've probably hit the point where I am useless to anyone else. But they have tons of people to rely on so it doesn't matter really.

Anyway @Testingmypatience1 , I agree that it's brilliant you had so many people at your 40th but I do understand why you're annoyed about this and it doesn't sound good to me. Your gut is telling you not to go so don't go.

LillyPJ · 16/04/2025 22:26

That's really rude of her. I wouldn't count her as a friend any longer.

Notashamed13 · 16/04/2025 22:28

EmeraldRoulette · 16/04/2025 22:25

I'm just asking because I've heard it said by others on here that they would help in a crisis but don't reply to messages or answer the phone.

But if a person doesn't reply to me for months or even years, it wouldn't occur to me to ask them for help in a crisis!

I struggle to cope with daily life as well, by the way. But I've probably hit the point where I am useless to anyone else. But they have tons of people to rely on so it doesn't matter really.

Anyway @Testingmypatience1 , I agree that it's brilliant you had so many people at your 40th but I do understand why you're annoyed about this and it doesn't sound good to me. Your gut is telling you not to go so don't go.

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That's why its hard to explain.....I guess my long standing people know my worth.....its not about being asked to do anything in a crisis....its about being there for it......

Myluckyday · 16/04/2025 22:31

EmeraldRoulette · 16/04/2025 22:25

I'm just asking because I've heard it said by others on here that they would help in a crisis but don't reply to messages or answer the phone.

But if a person doesn't reply to me for months or even years, it wouldn't occur to me to ask them for help in a crisis!

I struggle to cope with daily life as well, by the way. But I've probably hit the point where I am useless to anyone else. But they have tons of people to rely on so it doesn't matter really.

Anyway @Testingmypatience1 , I agree that it's brilliant you had so many people at your 40th but I do understand why you're annoyed about this and it doesn't sound good to me. Your gut is telling you not to go so don't go.

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I have a friend like that and she has actually helped in emergency situations like when I needed someone to stay with for a couple of months when my new tenancy move in date was delayed.

I know she’s also helped people when their mental health has been in crisis - like threatening suicide levels.

It is good she’s there for people in extreme circumstances but I have to say I very much value friends who are not just there for me in crises, but also when it comes to more mundane matters or every day conversation. With friendship often it’s the little things!

She is the type to reply 2 months later to a text and it gets tedious and hard to keep in touch. I feel like it shouldn’t take an emergency to get some friendly chat but I guess everyone is different so I don’t class her as a bad friend. She does show up in her own way.

Notashamed13 · 16/04/2025 22:32

Myluckyday · 16/04/2025 22:31

I have a friend like that and she has actually helped in emergency situations like when I needed someone to stay with for a couple of months when my new tenancy move in date was delayed.

I know she’s also helped people when their mental health has been in crisis - like threatening suicide levels.

It is good she’s there for people in extreme circumstances but I have to say I very much value friends who are not just there for me in crises, but also when it comes to more mundane matters or every day conversation. With friendship often it’s the little things!

She is the type to reply 2 months later to a text and it gets tedious and hard to keep in touch. I feel like it shouldn’t take an emergency to get some friendly chat but I guess everyone is different so I don’t class her as a bad friend. She does show up in her own way.

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That's me 😂

Myluckyday · 16/04/2025 22:33

lol 😂 @Notashamed13

ChristmaslightsuptilJanuary · 16/04/2025 22:33

You sound very sensitive OP- why were you embarrassed the friend didn't turn up and why have you interpreted it as 'disrespect'

It was a largish event. I doubt most people even noticed her absence. If it was an intimate dinner then I'd see your point but don't you always expect a few no-shows at any larger gathering?

BlondeMummyto1 · 16/04/2025 22:34

Only one person not coming is a huge turn out. Yabu not to understand others have things going on that don’t revolve around you.

Wayk · 16/04/2025 22:36

I would be hurt if a close friend did not show up but did not even send a a texr to apologise.

BlondiePortz · 16/04/2025 22:40

Why are you giving her more thought than she gave you, choose not too and move on, is it helping you to overthink this?

BlondeMummyto1 · 16/04/2025 22:42

MercuryRisingBeware · 16/04/2025 17:22

Return the favour. "Can't wait to see you Saturday". Then just don't attend. Don't message. Nothing. Radio silence.

This is why so many people on here have no friends.

There’s countless threads where people don’t want to attend things and everyone tells them
not to go.

Myluckyday · 16/04/2025 22:42

Testingmypatience1 · 16/04/2025 21:22

My gut instinct says I should NOT go. I don’t feel like she values me at alll. How hard would it be to apologise properly?

It’s maybe the dawning realisation that I may be a friend of convenience. That I’m no longer comfortable in this friendship. I don’t need friends of convenience. I have real friends.

OP personally I wouldn’t go. This will be a good way to figure out if she thinks she’s better than you. I had a childhood mate who would forget my birthday most years for decades, but seemed to expect me to remember hers and even her kids. One year I decided not to bother acknowledging hers or her kids which are all during April /May. I was operating on the premise that if she doesn’t bother to remember my birthday half the time, she can’t be that fussed about birthdays.

Well she took great offence and I’ve not heard from her since and I am pretty sure that must be the reason why !

I don’t care if it seems petty to others because for me it was necessary to find out what our friendship was about. And apparently it was about me contributing 80% of the effort so when I pulled back to match her effort the friendship was dead.

It’s actually an huge insult if someone treats you in a certain way and is nonchalant about it, but then gets super offended when they receive the same treatment. They’re effectively telling you they deserve better than what you deserve.

I’m very glad I seen it for what it was and we can now go our separate ways. So yeah OP I wouldn’t attend.

saraclara · 16/04/2025 22:43

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 16/04/2025 14:51

Can you not take the moral high ground? Go to her party, be the life and soul. Don't so much as mention the fact that she didn't bother to turn up to yours. Any mutual friends who were at your party and noticed her absence will note your appearance and happiness at hers and will quietly compare and contrast. There's no point in blowing out the entire friendship, which is what will happen if you tit-for-tat don't go. Plus, it's a party. Would you have gone if she'd sent her apologies for missing your birthday? Just go and enjoy. But remember her behaviour...

Exalt. Having only just expressed your disappointment to her, it would be screamingly obvious that you hadn't turned up out of pettiness.

You're better than that. Even if it's the last time you see her, go to the party and be the better person. Have fun with the rest of your friends and banish the peevishness.

Myluckyday · 16/04/2025 22:47

And for the people saying this is why people have no friends, I think if anything -
that should be directed at OPs friend who was a no-show for a milestone birthday party , didn’t proactively get in touch to apologise and generally sounds self-centred.

You don’t need to cling on to disrespectful people just to say you have friends - and OP appears to have a very large friendship circle anyway. She can focus on those friends!

I have a large number of solid friendships but I’ve let my fair share of friendships fade over the years with zero regrets. Insisting on reciprocity and having standards with friends will not automatically lead to being friendless.