No show for bday celebration

[Testingmypatience1]

I need to know if I am being unreasonable.

I was 40 last weekend. I had a drinks party followed by a relaxed sit down meal ( bowl foods) and invited 35/40 friends. Everyone turned up (and it was a great night) but one person.
This one person has been a friend of mine for 15 years or so.

She didn’t message me to say she wasn’t coming on the night, she just didn’t turn up. I haven’t heard from her since either. I am pretty gutted. And hurt.

Fast forward to this Easter weekend, she has her own party, an annual thing she hosts.

She still hasn’t contacted me, so I got in contact with her to check she was okay, and to say I was upset that she didn’t come for my birthday. She basically gave a half arsed apology saying she was too busy and had so much going on. A non apology really.

I don’t know whether to go on Saturday or am I being petty?

Her reply has made me feel worse somehow. Like her life is far too important to fit me in… and I am reevaluating the friendship now. wwyd?

At my 40th over half didn't turn up and didn't message either. Made me feel down for ages.

I am so sorry that happened to you. There is just no excuse for that. If they couldn’t come, fine, they should have had the good grace to let you know.

It’s helpful to know who your real friends are, and better to find out at a birthday event rather than a bereavement.

You had a party that 35 - 40 people turned up to and you had a great time. I’d say that’s good enough, focus on that?

One person who has a history of being a little self - absorbed didn’t turn up. Personally, I’d let it go and accept that everyone is different. I’m not perfect, you’re not perfect and neither is your friend. Such is life.

You’ve told her how you feel. She’s apologised. You like loads of other things about her. Accept her flaws and all. Go to her party and enjoy yourself. Life is too short for seething at Easter parties

Yanbu, RSVPing and not turning up is very rude. As a minimum, she should have sent a message apologising.

It's great that the other 35-40 did turn up though! I went to one 40th and 3/4 of the guest list did not attend. It meant a very empty venue and was quite sad.

I wouldn't go to her party, but if she's as self absorbed as you say she might not even notice.

FWIW I just had a belated birthday card from an old friend: ‘Sorry it’s late, I have no excuse.’
It made me laugh. Some people are useless at recognising that friends parties matter to them. If your friend has other lovely qualities I’d just go and enjoy her event.

Not going o a milestone bday that you've said you will go to is very mean. If she didnt fancy it she should have RSVPed no

Not nice op. People flaky now. I would suit yourself going forward.

That is exactly what the OP has done - it says so in the OP. I was immediately impressed that instead of sitting around waiting she had got on and got in touch rather than just coming to MN. And yet here you are calling her out for not doing it!

Good on you OP for realising your own worth. Sounds like you so called 'friend' suffers from a major case of Main Character Syndrome. Your energy and time is much better spent elsewhere.

Em pot kettle black 🤣 did you read the actual thread

Wow how rude are you fs!

I no longer see someone who I thought was a good friend for doing something very very similar on (and after) my 40th. It ended the friendship for me.

Perhaps check the original post ?

‘I was 40 last weekend.’

‘She didn’t message me to say she wasn’t coming on the night, she just didn’t turn up. I haven’t heard from her since either.’

‘She still hasn’t contacted me, so I got in contact with her to check she was okay,’

I would call it quits too OP. She didn't even wish you a happy birthday. I'd be hurt of her being dismissive too. Friendships are a two way street. Sadly I did find out during a bereavement how little real friends I actually have. I had a few sorry for your loss texts but then nothing else. No check ins, no visits. Cut the dead wood from your life, we only need people who lift us, not beat you down! Happy birthday OP

Yes I know. The party was last weekend. OP’s first post was Wednesday, by which time she had already got in touch with the no show and had a conversation with them.

I don’t really see the point therefore of your first comment, saying you would have got in touch the next day. So what if it was the very next day or very soon after that? She gave the no show a short opportunity and then got on with contacting them, pretty proactive in most people’s books I would have thought.

Bin her off and save yourself, the crazy is bubbling up in her.

just go to the party and gather with other people. Wait and see the friendship — you don’t urge an answer

I would go if I were you to prove your not .Maybe there is somthin going on or someone has been playing Dark polatics .Go be nice and not hurt .see what comes out if anything .maybe something is going on in here life she cant or wont talk about for Now

You’ve got 35/39 other friends … I’d ditch this one! 🤣
She doesn’t respect you or your feelings.
She’s a crap friend

I really don’t understand why you’re bothering with this person. This is not how a friend behaves. She sounds thoughtless and self centred to me. You had a lovely party for your milestone birthday which everyone apart from her turned up to, yet you’re more focused on her not being there than on all the genuine friends who came to celebrate with you. Why would you want to spend your valuable time with her at her events when you could spend your time with people who make you feel good about yourself? 🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️

I had a friend just like that. We'd known each other since we were 17 and she'd even lived with us for 6 months at one point. Didn't show up for my 50th birthday party and when I called to ask where they were, thinking they'd got held up, she just replied 'oh sorry, were busy today'. Two weeks later we went to her 50th, bought fairly expensive gift as it was a 'big' birthday - cursory thanks, gift put to one side unopened, no apology for missing mine and no gift, so obviously had never intended coming. The friendship didn't last very long after that. Took me a long time to realise she was a user.

She’s no friend, stop chasing her and there’s no way I’d go to her party. I had a friend like this and when I finally cut her loose (a year later than I should have done) I didn’t miss her at all because everything was always about her - I’d supported her through a messy divorce and she couldn’t even be arsed to reply about my wedding (which was about a year later) I realised it was never allowed to be about me and I’ve never looked back.

I am sorry this has happened to other pp. it’s not fun when you realise you have invested a lot of time and energy into a vacuous relationship.

I am not going to the party, and I have no real intention of seeing her again unless we happen to be passing.

For me, the friendship is over. Not because she didn’t come to the party, but because she didn’t care enough to even let me know and when I followed up with her the excuse was she was too busy to show up for me.

She isn’t a friend, she is a user. She doesn’t want real friends that require effort and care, she wants cheerleaders and guaranteed padding for her own events. I have better friends I would rather see tbh.

Good for you Op! Sorry you’ve had to deal with this but concentrate on your other friends and don’t let her get under your skin. We all have to deal with users at some point in our lives, the important thing is to recognise that the friendship had some mutual benefits at one point but now it’s time to move on. Not everyone ends up a life long friend… you are moving into a new season so enjoy! Make sure you do something fun today and don’t mope! Happy Easter x