No show for bday celebration

[Testingmypatience1]

I need to know if I am being unreasonable.

I was 40 last weekend. I had a drinks party followed by a relaxed sit down meal ( bowl foods) and invited 35/40 friends. Everyone turned up (and it was a great night) but one person.
This one person has been a friend of mine for 15 years or so.

She didn’t message me to say she wasn’t coming on the night, she just didn’t turn up. I haven’t heard from her since either. I am pretty gutted. And hurt.

Fast forward to this Easter weekend, she has her own party, an annual thing she hosts.

She still hasn’t contacted me, so I got in contact with her to check she was okay, and to say I was upset that she didn’t come for my birthday. She basically gave a half arsed apology saying she was too busy and had so much going on. A non apology really.

I don’t know whether to go on Saturday or am I being petty?

Her reply has made me feel worse somehow. Like her life is far too important to fit me in… and I am reevaluating the friendship now. wwyd?

It would be really rude to pull out of an Easter Saturday party at this late stage so yes, I think you should go.

I wouldn't go, she has completely disregarded your feelings and didn't even have the decency to let you know she wouldn't be there. Give her a taste of her own medicine. It will also signal that you aren't a pushover.

She is really nice and an interesting person. We have shared a kids growing up etc together. There is a lot of history. I do like her. She does have a busy life and a full on job, she can also forget there are other things going on the world/with her friends sometimes. I’m wouldn’t say she is the most considerate person but has other qualities.

What does this friendship bring to your life?
Is it worth maintaining it

I would be sad for it to completely end. But I am fed up that she didn’t show up and didn’t even text me. I don’t think my expectations are sky high.

Yes, but you’re the only one who can determine whether you will spend her party feeling ‘quietly cross’ or not! As a few pps have said, it may be that she’s not comfortable discussing something going on. I suppose it comes down to whether you value the friendship.

I guess I do value the friendship or I just wouldn’t bother going on Saturday. The fact I am worrying shows I probably do care about maintaining the friendship.

I just don’t want to feel like a pushover.

maybe I should go, there might be more to this, pp are right. I will be able to see her and speak to her in person, assess then if she understands it is hurtful not to show up/message me and she needs to do better.

No, they aren’t at all and her reason for not going were very poor
I think I would go to the party for a little bit ( leave early) as otherwise it might be seen as petty and point scoring but I would be seriously considering cooling off on the friendship after that

I'd just let it go TBH, she might have had something important going on and just forgot (i routinely forget birthdays unless reminded!).
Or not.....apparently you have 34/39 other friends who rocked up for your birthday so no big loss!

You are being massively over sensitive. I wouldn’t give it a second thought. Stuff happens. You’re 40 not 14.

If I was in your shoes the lack of caring for my feelings from a friend would be either the end or the beginning of the end for my relationship with that person. I can absolutely understand why you would be hurt and feel disrespected.

It isn't just that she didn't turn up, it's the way she handled it

Sounds like you've got plenty of friends/family that you don't need crap ones too. I'd happily offload if it were me

Can you not take the moral high ground? Go to her party, be the life and soul. Don't so much as mention the fact that she didn't bother to turn up to yours. Any mutual friends who were at your party and noticed her absence will note your appearance and happiness at hers and will quietly compare and contrast. There's no point in blowing out the entire friendship, which is what will happen if you tit-for-tat don't go. Plus, it's a party. Would you have gone if she'd sent her apologies for missing your birthday? Just go and enjoy. But remember her behaviour...

I think I would spend my time focussing on the other 35/40 friends you have and not worry about the odd one here and there that for whatever reason loses interest.

If you invite so many people to a do the probability at least one of them will not turn up due to unforeseen circumstances is pretty high,

Thank you that is exactly how I feel. It’s not that she couldn’t come, it’s the back handed excuse that hurt my feelings. Like she couldn’t really care less. Maybe that’s not strictly true, but it felt dismissive.

Well I would stop showing up and take a step back from this friendship. This doesn’t sound like a balanced friendship to me. She can ‘expect’ all she likes, doesn’t mean she’s going to get it in future. She sounds rude and inconsiderate to me.

This is a really good approach!

Even ruder to simply not turn up with no warning and no explanation or apology….oh wait…

I don't think you should go and raise this at her event because this then makes you look like the bad guy. I would message her and say you were upset by her failure to attend your birthday, you won't be coming to hers because you don't want there to be tension and perhaps the two of you could meet for coffee after Easter to resolve the issue? Her response will tell you all you need to know.

I still don’t understand what ‘bowl food’ is.

Rather than thinking about the 35/40 people who did come out for your birthday you are concentrating on this one person. Did she invite you to her Easter party, or are you assuming an invitation?

Hot chicken AND salad? In a bowl? Or in two bowls? Does everyone have their own bowl? Who made the bowl food? You or a bowl food place? Are there bowl food places?

This is really crap of her

Also, MN is full of possible excuses that someone might have. When did everybody lose their ability to use their words? Why can't they just "say sorry, I was having a hard time and I forgot" if there was some kind of crisis on. And yes, I have been there and yes, I did use my words.

I haven't actually forgotten that something was on but I have had to apologise in advance for being unable to go due to a range of family crises or health problems of my own.

And after saying that, they should apologise.

@Testingmypatience1 has she actually specifically invited you to this Easter gathering?

To be honest, I wouldn't go either way. But given her behaviour, if you haven't had an invitation, I wouldn't assume you've been invited.

I wouldn’t go, and I wouldn’t confirm in advance that I wasn’t going. Because, after all, you’re busy and have a lot going on.

And this, ladies and gentlemen, is who so many Mners post about having no friends and being chronically lonely.

Haha! Nice try, but I have plenty of reliable friends who engage in a bit of common courtesy when they can’t attend something. You might be quite happy for people to treat you with disdain so you maintain them as a “friend”; that’s obviously a matter for you.

The OP should concentrate on the 34-39 others who did attend and who’re worth her time.