No show for bday celebration

[Testingmypatience1]

I need to know if I am being unreasonable.

I was 40 last weekend. I had a drinks party followed by a relaxed sit down meal ( bowl foods) and invited 35/40 friends. Everyone turned up (and it was a great night) but one person.
This one person has been a friend of mine for 15 years or so.

She didn’t message me to say she wasn’t coming on the night, she just didn’t turn up. I haven’t heard from her since either. I am pretty gutted. And hurt.

Fast forward to this Easter weekend, she has her own party, an annual thing she hosts.

She still hasn’t contacted me, so I got in contact with her to check she was okay, and to say I was upset that she didn’t come for my birthday. She basically gave a half arsed apology saying she was too busy and had so much going on. A non apology really.

I don’t know whether to go on Saturday or am I being petty?

Her reply has made me feel worse somehow. Like her life is far too important to fit me in… and I am reevaluating the friendship now. wwyd?

I always think these sorts of situations are better dealt with in person or at least a phone call. That way you can get an idea of if there was anything else going on for her (like some stress you don't know about?) or if she just really didn't care enough to show up

I’d go and be ready to be polite but breezy and non-commitsl. Party manners, rather than old friend intimacy behaviour. But I’m quite good at formal manners.

I’d use her party as a way of just seeking out what I could about her attitude to me and go from there.

She may really have been very tired and peopled out. I can be pretty gregarious but my job is intense and sometimes I need to stay at home and stare at the wall.

I love a bowl food party!

Return the favour. "Can't wait to see you Saturday". Then just don't attend. Don't message. Nothing. Radio silence.

So 40 people showed and yet your spending time on the one person who couldn’t even send you a No thanks to the invite

What a weird (and totally irrelevant) post! Have you not been out socially much in the last 10 years @MasterBeth ? You are coming across like an elderly person who insists on asking for “just a coffee” in Starbucks.

Bowl food at a party is hardly an alien or new concept!

@Katrinawaves I don’t know what it is either. I know what Buddha bowls are when I order them in restaurants, they can be delicious. But not “bowl food” - is that a buffet type deal?

@Testingmypatience1 - you had a celebration with 35 or more of your friends. One didn’t make it, which is an extremely low no-show rate. I would let it go.

If you’re feeling resentful, don’t go to your friend’s event. If you can move past it, go and have a great time.

I ask for 'just a coffee' and am by no means elderly, It's what I want - a straightforward coffee, not some skinny-iced-frappuccino-latte with oat milk and fifteen syrups nonsense.

Bowl food parties are brilliant. They are miniature bowls of different foods that are given to guests throughout the night, you can eat them standing up or sitting down. It’s quite convivial and also caters for different tastes.

I am really pleased with the turn out of the party and my lovely friends that were there. In my area it is very rare to not turn up and not message. It’s considered very rude.

It’s been pretty standard fare at weddings, corporate entertaining and catered parties at least in London for 10 years or more. It’s more common to have this these days than standard canapes or crisps and peanuts!

For those who genuinely can’t get their heads around what it might be and aren’t just being obtuse to wind the OP up and diminish her feelings about this, a typical menu is here

www.connexionscuisine.co.uk/bowl-food-menus

If she didn’t even acknowledge your birthday at any point then that’s definitely rude. I wouldn’t go to her event.

Well that's a shit menu. And I absolutely wouldn't order any food from a place that can't correctly spell the dishes that they serve. "Chicken Konkatsu curry". Sorry, is that supposed to be Katsu chicken curry, or pork tonkatsu?

I thought that menu looked amazing! Spelling aside.

OP she was very dismissive and rude. It’s a milestone birthday and to not let you know, or apologise afterwards, is her showing you she doesn’t consider you a friend or even someone worth considering.

Thanks for sharing this, I genuinely feel I've been living under a rock. Or rather, I recognise the concept, but didn't know it was called bowl food.

I am sorry that she treated you so badly. I personally would find it very difficult to attend her party. She could have dropped you a gift and apologised for not coming. Surround yourself with people who care for you.

OK, so canapés but in wee serving bowls. Sounds good! I love cute food. I liked the tiny yorkshire puds that were a thing for a while.

Not been to corporate entertaining in forever - DH and I left corporate jobs 28 years ago for smaller companies and self employment. The parties I go to are mostly catered by the hosts and the last two weddings I've been to were in North Yorkshire and rural Wales, neither of which had 'bowls'.

There are whole populations of us who don't live in the capital and aren't being disingenuous to not know catering trends there.

An espresso is ‘just a coffee’ but somehow I suspect that’s not what you want. If you want an americano just say that and say whether you want it white or black, they’re not mind readers. Americano is just another style of coffee the way espresso, cappuccino etc are.

Back on topic, I’d go if you want to see other friends at the party but I’d gradually distance myself from her. Fine if something came up and she couldn’t come, but the least she could have done is let you know and wished you a happy birthday.

She’s a shit friend. When that many people are invited it’s not surprising if someone can’t make it in the end. But you’d expect it to be a good reason, and them to actually tell you. To just not show up and not bother telling you, and it be because they were “busy” is incredibly rude. Do you want to stay friends with her?

So would you have different flavours of crisps in one bowl or individual flavours in separate bowls.

I'd go to the party and see what happens. You had 40 other lovely people turn up at your party.

Look at people's actions not their words (although in this case she was rude in words too). You might value her she doesn't value you. She didn't even call you, you had to call her.
If you attend on Saturday I would think you are a pushover and you are effectively saying it's okay to treat me badly I'm still gonna hang around.
Raise your bar, you sound like a lovely person.

Ruder than not showing up at all without a word to the host? 🤔

My gut instinct says I should NOT go. I don’t feel like she values me at alll. How hard would it be to apologise properly?

It’s maybe the dawning realisation that I may be a friend of convenience. That I’m no longer comfortable in this friendship. I don’t need friends of convenience. I have real friends.

Nope don't go. Also I'd let her know that your felt hurt and why.i.e. you felt she just couldn't be bothered or didn't even message to say she codnt attend and it was left for you to chase her. Send that message before Saturday though, gives her a chance to apologise properly so you know where you stand in her view on your friendship.

I was going to say perhaps there was a reason for her no show that she doesn't feel happy communicating over messages. Then I read your subsequent posts...
She is a self absorbed arse who basically had a better offer and didn't even bother to message you on your 40th birthday. She doesn't give a shit about you or your feelings, treat her in exactly the manner she treats you.

You had a party and 34 out of 35 people turned up. That is by most people's experience a miracle. If you have that many people who care about you and joined in your birthday celebration, the loss of one friend if that is the outcome is minor in a way.