No show for bday celebration

[Testingmypatience1]

I need to know if I am being unreasonable.

I was 40 last weekend. I had a drinks party followed by a relaxed sit down meal ( bowl foods) and invited 35/40 friends. Everyone turned up (and it was a great night) but one person.
This one person has been a friend of mine for 15 years or so.

She didn’t message me to say she wasn’t coming on the night, she just didn’t turn up. I haven’t heard from her since either. I am pretty gutted. And hurt.

Fast forward to this Easter weekend, she has her own party, an annual thing she hosts.

She still hasn’t contacted me, so I got in contact with her to check she was okay, and to say I was upset that she didn’t come for my birthday. She basically gave a half arsed apology saying she was too busy and had so much going on. A non apology really.

I don’t know whether to go on Saturday or am I being petty?

Her reply has made me feel worse somehow. Like her life is far too important to fit me in… and I am reevaluating the friendship now. wwyd?

I wouldn't go either. I've been in your shoes, and it's so hurtful. I also agree with you that she probably wouldn't notice/ care if you didn't show anyway. Not trying to make you feel worse! I think the fact you had to contact her about her no show says it all really, she could have at least made up an excuse and let you know, that in itself is extremely rude.

Oh that’s called bowl food is it. Mini portions of things. For some reason I was imagining everyone with a bowl of ramen or cereal. How is that a sit down meal though as you said in your OP?

I don’t think these are very big problems to have.

you can work the solution out by yourself. If you can’t, it doesn’t matter.

best of luck!

Fuck that, don’t go. Put the same amount of effort in that she does…..zero

Op she was rude not to attend/not to text you she couldn’t make it / not to be more empathetic when you called to ask her about no showing. That’s 3 times she could have been a better friend. You had a wonderful birthday party with many friends there and sounds like delicious highly varied food. Your friends who did attend are likely to say….OPs party was great so much fun! She will hear about it. For me I would attend Sunday greet her cordially thank her for the invite and then enjoy everyone else there. And becuse I’m petty by MN standards i would be sure I look absolutely fabulous and have a great time

I have good friends that I don’t see enough of, I don’t have the time (do any of us?) to waste on those ‘too busy’ to even send a text to
say they can’t make it a 40th bday of a good friend. It is rude. Just plain rude, and I don’t have the time for it.

I am not a fake person that can grit my teeth, and go to her house and play along being ‘breezy’. I am a straight shooter and honest.

If she had shown that she cared about my feelings subsequently, then of course I would go and there would be no hard feelings, but she couldn’t care less is my lasting impression. And she is often like this.

I accept all of my friends wholeheartedly, but I am not going to be a doormat for anyone.

I have decided not to go, and have accepted another invite. You are right, we choose the way people treat us, and I am choosing to be treated with a modicum of respect and care.

I wouldn’t go either and give her a taste of it felt. Don’t let her know you’re not coming.

I have decided not to go, and have accepted another invite. You are right, we choose the way people treat us, and I am choosing to be treated with a modicum of respect and care.

@Testingmypatience1 I think you’ve made a wise decision. Completely agree - focus your time and energy on the many decent friends you have instead.

I wouldn’t be able to go and paste a smile on my face either nor would I see the value in that. It doesn’t really tackle the underlying disrespect in her actions and it would feel fake to me.

Sounds like you have a busy social calendar - enjoy the other event you go to!

Or has something going on in her life that is consuming her but which she’s not ready to talk about yet. The OP had what sounds like a great party with literally everyone else she invited showing up — it wasn’t ruined by one friend’s absence. And everyone is, and should be, ‘self-centred’. What else would you be centred on?

’Insisting on reciprocity’ is just tit for tat, a juvenile way of relating to other people for those with a poor grasp on human relations. And surely you don’t generally consider how to behave towards your friends based on ‘Will I be friendless if I drop X?’

@JudasTree Surely you know the implications of what being self centred is and the fact if someone is described as that, it means they are particularly more self absorbed and less considerate of others than most/to an extreme degree.

One dictionary definition of it is :
” concerned solely with one's own desires, needs, or interests” HTH.

OP has also alluded the fact that this woman had a pattern of behaving like this. If she has something going on that means she’s not able to RSVP or at least apologise for missing her friends event but yet she can carry on hosting her own events, it’s a bit strange and very convenient to say the least.

At any rate OP can’t read this persons mind , if she has chosen not to communicate openly about any issues, that’s up to her. However she has to accept the consequences of OP drawing reasonable conclusions from her actions and acting accordingly which in this case is not attending her party.

And surely you don’t generally consider how to behave towards your friends based on ‘Will I be friendless if I drop X?

You’ve taken that out of context. The reason I alluded to that is because some posters have suggested that OP’s proposed suggestion of not attending the party is the reason why some MNetters complain about being friendless.

And my point was that A. No it’s not - if anything OP’s friends disrespectful behaviour which is more likely to lead to being friendless and B. OP has a lot of friends anyway at age 40, so it’s unlikely this will lead to her being friendless.

Nah it’s actually very normal and reasonable for anyone with a grain of self respect to expect reciprocity in friendships.

I’m just glad Op seems to have drawn similar conclusions about the lack of respect her friend had shown and won’t be attending the event. Always good to spend your time and energy where it’s clearly valued,
wanted and respected!

I suspect you won’t get a satisfying answer from her, she’s done it before and she’ll do it again. She’s just that kind of person.

I don’t think she would be going ahead with an Easter party and all of the other things she is doing happily if she was dealing with something ‘all consuming’? Nor can I second guess that issues she has unless she tells me. She hasn’t even alluded to that, just that she has been busy.

We had a sudden death of a parent a few years ago, and we still managed to let our friends know we wouldn’t be there for dinner. It took two seconds to message them, but then I am not the kind of person that thinks it is okay to let friends down and not bother even contacting them.

Also given she didn’t show, she could have been one of many for all she knew. I did have a lovely evening no thanks to her efforts or lack of. I have no issue whatsoever of people cancelling. Life happens. I have never minded, and factor it into my planning usually. But they do need to let me know - yes. If I have been generous enough to invite them in the first place.

Yes op suit yourself. Am def finding people so flaky lately.. even a film or a play will they show up so I just go myself to things now

@Testingmypatience1 sorry op she is NOTa friend . Your big day and not even a “happy birthday “
She can’t stand anything not being about her .
That would be it for me . She had shown you where you stand . .

If it’s the first time she’s done something like this I would forgive and forget. Go to the party and enjoy yourself.

"She basically gave a half arsed apology saying she was too busy and had so much going on."

TRANSLATION: I couldn't be bothered and this is one of the standard politically correct alternative phrases for this case.

Exactly. The translation I received was that you are not in any way important to me, and not even worthy of a text after 15 years of friendship. It has really hurt me.

The no show was one thing, the dismissive tone and indifference after I had to follow up with HER was the dealbreaker for me.

Maybe she’s annoyed you scheduled a party the weekend before her regular Easter do? I don’t think that’s a good enough reason not to come and not to let you know, but it’s a thought.

Personally I wouldn’t throw away a friendship over this issue. If it becomes a pattern or there’s other stuff that would be different.

I can’t help being born 40 years ago as it just happens to be Easter!

I am afraid she does have form for this and I have had enough.

Have you informed her you will not be going, it will be interesting to hear her response or will she just not respond

Yes I did, because I am not going to be that person. I wished her a happy Easter and a fun party. I am not going to cause any bad feeling, but I don’t consider her to be a friend of mine any longer.

She has shown you where you stand in her life op, ok she might have been busy or felt unwell on your party night but an apology and a card or press in the post a few days should have been the bare minimum if she is a good friend. I would slowly phase her out and move on with your life, tbh I bet she wouldn’t even notice if she’s self absorbed like you say. As the saying goes some people are only in your life for part of the journey not the whole thing.

*Present not press

Did she respond

Very hurtful! a text to say 'happy birthday, can't make it to the party unfortunately, something has come up' doesn't take 30 seconds.