Co-parenting with an alcoholic —children refusing contact. What now?

[NeuroSpicyCat]

Hi everyone, I’m in need of advice or insight from anyone who’s been in a similar situation—either as a co-parent, stepparent, or even adult child of a parent with addiction. For background: I’m autistic.

My husband has three children (11 and two 14-year-olds) with his ex-wife, who has a history of alcohol misuse (we’ve only found out about it a few months ago). She’s had periods of sobriety, but recently relapsed—again. The children were staying with her 50% and us 50% until a few weeks ago, when they disclosed to my husband that she’d been drinking again, hiding bottles, emotionally offloading on them (especially the eldest boy), and waking them up during the night in distress having hallucinations. They were also told to keep it secret from their dad.

They’re now living with us 100% temporarily, on the advice of children’s services, while support is being arranged for their mum. She was in a recovery programme in the past but stopped attending. She has a partner but he is at the end of his tether and has told the children he will be leaving soon. A family worker is due to be involved in the next few days. Her current drinking is being described by her partner as “maintenance drinking”—she’s consuming shots of vodka throughout the day “to avoid withdrawal”—but she’s not sober, and not currently in formal detox.

When my husband gently asked the children if they felt ready to see their mum (with another adult present), all three said no. One was particularly adamant. We’ve been very careful not to influence their decision either way.

I’m trying to support my husband while managing my own feelings—this whole situation has taken over our home life, and I’m worried about long-term disruption, especially as the children’s mother is still in denial about the emotional harm. I’m also struggling with resentment, guilt, and fear about what comes next. I care deeply about the kids, but I’m exhausted and anxious.

Has anyone been in a similar situation where the children refused contact? What helped? How do you protect your own wellbeing when your home becomes a crisis hub?

If they continue to live with us 100% we won’t be entitled to any state support as I earn too much, so our lifestyle will suffer. I have children of my own I need to think about (both are autistic).

AIBU to feel almost like a victim? My world is crumbling and I have no say. I feel like a passive bystander in someone’s else’s chaos.

Thank you in advance for any thoughts.

You do have a choice though.... You can leave, or ask him to live elsewhere with the kids and have a relationship not living together

What a shame, a man having to actually parent his children he was responsible of procreating.

Sorry but you have dug your own grave when marrying him if you didn’t consider the possibility that he may need to parent his children full time in the future . What if the ex died or became ill? It was always a possibility that he may well become a full time parent, even if he was only having them every other weekend (which isn’t anywhere near enough).

Your husbands main priority should be the safeguarding of his children instead of shipping them off to an alcoholic against their will in order to please his new family.

Your options are to suck it up or divorce.

It sounds like you’re having a really tough time OP and everything is topsy turvy so it’s difficult to see another way but you need to reframe how you view the situation. By framing everything as chaos and a crisis their mother is responsible for you’re handing her the control.

You can control how much you hear about her latest antics, if she has any contact with you, the level and type of support and care you give your SC, the way your partner and you work together to deal with this and more. Sit down and make a big list of all the things you can control in real detail; what time dinner is, who’s making it, who has which room, etc. Then start taking control and making the decisions where you can - from the small things like a meal plan that works for everyone and the big things like blocking his ex and maintaining no contact.

I don’t think this situation is as niche as you think for blended families; alcoholics generally carry trauma and emotional issues which often impacts on their interpersonal relationships so they’re more likely to get divorced. Look for a real world support network like a group, your SC might benefit from one too.

My mum’s best friend was an alcoholic and her ex wouldn’t take the kids when they asked - her son found her dead in bed (from drinking) when he was 18, traumatising him for life. There are 3 children who desperately need a safe place, love and protection and it’s in your control, with your partner, to find a way to create that for them.

This is very disappointing although I'm not surprised. It would have been nice if he'd taken his children 50/50 because he loves them and wanted to spend time with them. Those poor children.

My anxiety is through the roof. I'm already on max antidepressants, so I worry what other options I have to help my mental health.

@NeuroSpicyCat there are things that are clinically shown to help without pharmaceutical therapies: meditation, breathwork, both of which you might find at a yoga class, or if you can afford 1:1 yoga that could help by tailoring the practices to what you need. DM me if you would like recommendations.
Some people find art is somewhere they can get into a flow state (very good for the nervous system).
For others it’s gardening or walking in the park or the woods. Do you have any tools like this or could you try some of these suggestions?

Moving to 50/50 for financial reasons is concering - he only wanted to see his kids more so that he didn't have to pay maintenance.

He'll probably want them to go back to their mums as soon as she's cleared by social services, so as long as she gets sober you won't have an on-going problem.

👏🏼 👏🏼👏🏼

It's really hard but at the heart of it there are kids involved who more than ever need to know they have a safe home where they're welcome and not a burden. Worth getting counselling or support around burdens with his ex. My friend was an alcoholic, all I'll say is it's no choice anyone would make, she was autistic and a dv victim herself, you don't know what people have gone through. I'm not saying that makes it ok but she can't click her fingers and stop and everything will be better. This is the long haul. Kindness is the only way I think, if my friend had kindness in her home she might have made it, but she didn't. If you don't think you can do right by the kids then you have a decision to make I guess, some things are worth being skint for

some things are worth being skint for

Not when you have two autistic dc to care for. It would not be fair for OP to make herself skint for someone else’s dc.

So it's okay for her husband to support her two children from a previous relationship, but when the roles are reversed it's 'not fair'.

They aren't 'someone else's' children, they are her husbands children and her step children.

@nomas then she has to leave I guess. Why would she want this man to be a dad to hers but not his own. Or why would she want to be with a man who felt like his children were too complicated to look after.

No one’s forcing him to stay in the relationship and OP has already said she fully pays for everything for her DC.

And yes, it would be better for his kids too if he just focused on his own dc and a home they don’t have to share with step-siblings.

The poster said it’s worth going skint for step-kids, I disagree. My priority would always be my dc.

The OP was quite open that 50/50 was for financial reasons ie to avoid paying any child maintenance to his kids.

WTF

why do you want to stay married to this man?

Financial reasons? As in he didn’t want to pay maintenance?

So he was a deadbeat father. Can’t believe you actually support that. Those poor children.

Maybe your husbands deadbeat behaviour contributed to the exs alcoholism. Sorry but your autism does not trump the safeguarding of his children.

I keep rereading your OP and I’m getting an ever increasing sense that neither of you want them in your home full time.

Living with you temporarily on the advice of children’s services? So… not warmly invited into the home once the disclosure about the alcoholism was made?

If my kids told me their Dad was an alcoholic I wouldn’t wait for children’s services to tell me to let them live with me…

Alcoholism of that severity doesn't happen overnight. It's a years-long process and I highly, highly doubt she had healthy drinking habits during their marriage. So, your DH, when he divorced his ex, knew about her drinking. While it may have gotten worse, he still left his kids there and didn't try harder to keep them for longer than a few weekends. Maybe I'm not getting the full picture, maybe he's been trying to intervene to get more custody, but it doesn't sound like it if he chose 50/50 for financial reasons rather than safety.

I feel awful for those children. Three adults controlling their lives and none of them want to fully embrace them and do the right thing. The kids are old enough to know what's up. You and your DH won't be able to hide from them your resentment.

You need to get a grip, OP, and if you can't, you and DH need to separate and he parents his kids.

Well no, but let's be realistic here. This man only went for 50/50 care to avoid maintenance, according to the OP. So not exactly father of the year. And the OP already has a lot on her plate (full-time job, children with additional needs) and never expected that her OH would have to be a full-time parent to his own children. Naive maybe, but I wouldn't be very enthusiastic in her situation either. She's probably justifiably concerned that a lot of the work will fall to her.

Unfortunately for many children the only person who really cares about them enough to enthusiastically parent them is their mother and, if she's failing, others are unlikely joyfully to jump in, the father included.

Counseling should be a great help.
Think of it as putting on your own oxygen mask before trying to help fellow passengers, in a drop of cabin air pressure.

When you find yourself panicking, spiraling, or catastrophising, there are breathing techniques and other grounding techniques to help you to get back in touch with the here and now. 7-11 breathing, consciously working your way up and down your body relaxing your muscles everywhere, and being conscious of your feet solidly on the floor, and more.

What? It sounds like the father is doing that. It’s OP who is struggling with it - but it isn’t right to say it was great when they only came alternate weekends… they need a safe place and their father. OP either gets on with it, or they’ll need to separate. The DC do not deserve a step mum who clearly doesn’t want them there.

I mean unless by grown up you mean "in their 30s with a stable income" there's a pretty good chance even adult children might end up living with you at some point.

Or maybe the money was going in vodka and the children weren’t getting anything