Co-parenting with an alcoholic —children refusing contact. What now?

[NeuroSpicyCat]

Hi everyone, I’m in need of advice or insight from anyone who’s been in a similar situation—either as a co-parent, stepparent, or even adult child of a parent with addiction. For background: I’m autistic.

My husband has three children (11 and two 14-year-olds) with his ex-wife, who has a history of alcohol misuse (we’ve only found out about it a few months ago). She’s had periods of sobriety, but recently relapsed—again. The children were staying with her 50% and us 50% until a few weeks ago, when they disclosed to my husband that she’d been drinking again, hiding bottles, emotionally offloading on them (especially the eldest boy), and waking them up during the night in distress having hallucinations. They were also told to keep it secret from their dad.

They’re now living with us 100% temporarily, on the advice of children’s services, while support is being arranged for their mum. She was in a recovery programme in the past but stopped attending. She has a partner but he is at the end of his tether and has told the children he will be leaving soon. A family worker is due to be involved in the next few days. Her current drinking is being described by her partner as “maintenance drinking”—she’s consuming shots of vodka throughout the day “to avoid withdrawal”—but she’s not sober, and not currently in formal detox.

When my husband gently asked the children if they felt ready to see their mum (with another adult present), all three said no. One was particularly adamant. We’ve been very careful not to influence their decision either way.

I’m trying to support my husband while managing my own feelings—this whole situation has taken over our home life, and I’m worried about long-term disruption, especially as the children’s mother is still in denial about the emotional harm. I’m also struggling with resentment, guilt, and fear about what comes next. I care deeply about the kids, but I’m exhausted and anxious.

Has anyone been in a similar situation where the children refused contact? What helped? How do you protect your own wellbeing when your home becomes a crisis hub?

If they continue to live with us 100% we won’t be entitled to any state support as I earn too much, so our lifestyle will suffer. I have children of my own I need to think about (both are autistic).

AIBU to feel almost like a victim? My world is crumbling and I have no say. I feel like a passive bystander in someone’s else’s chaos.

Thank you in advance for any thoughts.

It would take a good while for them to stop paying her and start paying their dad. She wouldn't lose her house, but she'd have to pay the rent shortfall.

Thank you, genuinely, for your care and for considering all of this so seriously. As an adult child of an alcoholic mother, it really does mean something to see the thought and consideration you’ve given this here. This is a situation i wouldnt wish on anyone. My observations are obviously v much from this perspective as it obviously goes without saying that your priority - as it should be - will be to advocate for your own kids. I wouldnt dispute that for a second.

However, I can’t emphasise enough that a huge part of all this requires being honest and rational about the impacts on you. You’re absolutely a victim of these dynamics too—but I’d gently remind you that those impacts are the result of choices you’ve made to align with their father. They’re choices you still have the power to step away from, if and when it becomes too much. That’s something that’s in your control.

Your partner’s children, though, haven’t had any choice at all in their involvement. They can't opt out, and they can’t create distance in the way adults can. That’s why it's so important to stay really clear about where the responsibility lies here: 100% this is on your husband to manage, as their father. But it also means being very honest—with yourself and with him—about what you can reasonably carry, and stepping away if it becomes something you can't.

I say all this with a lot of empathy and no judgment. While my dad eventually managed to separate us from the situation with our mum, his actions began and ended (i appreciate due to the trauma he experienced himself) to getting us physically out of the house and was honestly a waste of space in terms of ongoing emotional support or maintaining boundaries so our mum couldnt access and harm us. My sister and I would both say 100% that some of the deepest damage happened after we’d left—because of the resentment and exhaustion that spilled out from his new partner at her sheer frustration of having to live with the outcomes of someone else’s dysfunction and the impacts this had on her own children. It’s also totally valid that you have these worries for your kids and they shouldnt have to be impacted by this, but my stepmum was utterly unable to contain or compartmentalise this effectively without those feelings spilling out into angry and resentful treatment of three entirely lost, traumatised and unanchored kids, with some really awful outcomes. I’m not for one moment suggesting that you feel this way—but I know how easily that frustration creeps in, and how much it can shape things, even unintentionally.

As a first, calming step, just appreciate that you’re taking this seriously and caring as you are. That already makes a difference. Secondarily, supporting your fella in terms of arranging counselling or professional support for his kids, and enforcing some strong boundaries to maintain your home as a safe space for everyone would be a good place to focus your energies on tangible outcomes imo. Wishing you a lot of love and all the best

I think you need some proper advice OP, stop thinking about what you can do NOW with regards benefits and custody etc, you're making an already stressful situation a lot more stressful by insisting on a timeline for everything and going hell for leather trying to arrange things immediately, I appreciate you feel you need to do that for you, but if making things easier for yourself is making things harder for everyone else around you, you need to rein it in.

Listen to what people are saying, and make sure provisions are in place for the next few weeks, make sure the children feel safe and secure and there is an open channel of discussion between you all within your household, forget about what ex is doing as you can't control any of that and get some proper legal advice before undertaking anything which will have long term repercussions, there is no need to rush anything here, you need to do things properly, not quickly.

seriously?! That was appealing to you, was it? Amazing.

Yes, she would lose child-related benefits, and might eventually lose her home.

But, that would mot likely happen anyway when the youngest ones turn 18, which is not that many years in the future.

It is for you and your DH to decide together whether you want to prop her up financially by letting her continue to claim benefits as a single parent with resident children, either for a short while or for a longer period.
But, if you go down the route of a court order and you get legal residence, you and DH may not have the choice - the benefits office may decide for you when they learn of the court order. (Don't ever try to hide anything from the benefits authorities).

The bottom line is that you cannot "save" an alcoholic. They self-destruct and damage everyone around them.
My advice would be that you can't and shouldn't put her financial situation before your own.

Obviously your husband is doing the right thing. But you need to step back and decide if this is something you can stand for the long haul. You do not need to stay and facilitate the recovery of his children from the chaos of his and his exes’ choices. You need to put yourself and your own children first. Leaving is an option, and you should remain alive to that option as you consider what you want for
your life.

Thank you for such a kind and honest post; I hope this thread hasn't been too triggering for you.

Did your dad marry your stepmother before your mum became an alcoholic?

In what ways did your stepmother make things hard for you? I would never NEVER say anything bad to the kids, not even in anger/frustration. I've never spoken harshly to them and don't intent to start now.

I think you have to take on board that the children live with you now. They might in the future go and see their mother for a few hours/a day or a weekend but that is in the future

Concentrate on the practical things in the short and long term that you both have control over like bedrooms, where is everyone sleeping, collecting their things from their mothers house and how to get them to school, meal planning for 3 extra etc

As well as legally getting things in order regarding their living situation and child benefit and any other benefits that need to be changed into your dh’s name etc

Long term if there is a lack of space think about converting a room, the garage, extending the ground floor to create a kitchen diner and making the dining room a bedroom or doing a loft conversion for 1 or 2 more bedrooms and a shower room
Whatever is possible or practical

Or after things have calmed down and everything is sorted legally, if the living situation is feeling over crowded then maybe think about moving to a house that has a layout that works better.

I have ADHD, I am also waiting for an autism assessment. I can understand that when you married your dh that things were a certain way. You knew he had dc, they came for certain days and you could get your mind round that. But the current issues are not what you signed up for.

I think you have a choice to make.

Divorce or live separately until dc have grown up and gone their own way

Or understand that life changes and this is the new normal

Look at what is bothering you the most about the new situation, (eg the exw’s texts and calls etc) and work out a way where you won’t have to listen to her or read her texts. I.e block her on your phone, SM etc and ask your dh to do the same for parts of the day when you are around him and tell him you don’t want to know what she says or what she texts.

I have had times where things get overwhelming and life throws curve balls and changes from what was expected. I have to take time out from everyone, either on my own with noise cancelling headphones in my room or booking myself into a hotel for a couple of nights to reset my brain without any interference.

@NeuroSpicyCat
You haven’t answered if your husband is the father of your kids? Or are they from a previous relationship? How old are they?

I also would think about what these children bring to your life and the lives of your children

Does everyone get on overall.

What age are your children.

It might take a lot of effort but if they are good children and like you and your children it could be good for everyone

I'm not autistic, but I am neurodiverse in other ways and disabled. I am also the major/sole breadwinner. For me to thrive, there is quite a strict list of the conditions I need. If I stray too far away from that list, everything collapses. I also grew up with a mother who was a long way down the autistic spectrum. I became her carer when her life spiralled out of shape and her autism was a massive factor. So, all in all, I think I have a worthwhile perspective.

I'm not going to say that the children come first, or that you should have anticipated this eventuality. I don't agree with either in this instance. If the mother had died, I imagine the OP would be feeling very differently, but this is one person's chaos straining to contaminate another person's order. It is completely different.

I'm going to say instead that you come first, because a comfortable, well functioning you is what your DH and children need. However, you probably need to find path through to doing something different to what you're doing currently, within reason, and that's what you may need to do.

There are two ways to go at an incredibly complicated problem like this, which is either from the part you can't control, which is usually where we tend to start (the chaotic end), or from the part you can control (the stable end). The stable end is actually the place to start to craft your solution - it is really the only place that you could or should start. So capture what you have been doing for however long, and how that fits with your needs. That is the bedrock of the solution. Then look at how much you can stretch away from that without making a material difference to your wellbeing. That is where you can sensibly flex a little.

When you take care of the fundamental needs, I have personally found it quite extraordinary how far I can then flex. And I have had to flex, and I've done it successfully. I occasionally do think to myself, "why the hell am I doing this???", but there is no negative change to my wellbeing.

I'm not going to make any suggestion at all as to the specific solution, but I think if you start with what you really cannot change, you will find some additional ways to support those children that are meaningful at a much lower personal cost. And they won't wear you out as time progresses, because your key needs are still being met.

I cared for a person with autism for three years who had their world turned upside down. It was utterly horrendous - the unbelievable strain triggered my bipolar - and her autism was a massive factor. You owe it to yourself and to your loved ones to not end up in that position.

I was a widow when I met my husband. My children's dad is dead.

I know, I know. I'm an evil witch. I expect him to live with mine fulltime.

But he signed up for that when we met. I was fully transparent. And I pay for everything they need.

I suspect this thread will dry up now because "I should leave and put my children first".

On a practical level I would focus on what you need to do in set time periods. E.g. for the next week that is making sure all the kids have somewhere to sleep and everything they need for school. For the next month it could be organising the support you and the kids need e.g. counselling. Every time you think of something that needs doing, put it on the short term or long term list. And just keep putting one foot in front of the other to keep yourself, your husband and all the children as supported as possible.

Adult child of an alcoholic parent here. Please please please don’t underestimate the calm and safety these children are now feeling being in the home of a stable and sober parent. You need to put the kids first and frankly if you can’t face now being their home 100% of the time you need to seriously consider moving out and allowing them the stability of being with their dad full time. This is what it means to be romantically partnered with people who already have kids!

my heart goes out to the three of them, I’m sure they will have longstanding trauma from living with their mum during these relapses and from experience that will stay with them for the rest of their lives.

please look into Al Anon for them and your husband too, and perhaps yourself as it sounds like you need a bit of educating on this which they do call “a family disease” and you are now part of this family

My kids are 14 and 13. Everyone gets along. They're not best buddies with the stepkids or anything but they don't fight and never have. Everyone keeps themselves to themselves. It's cordial.

I appreciate that — thank you. I’m in a good place now, but the impact on my family (the whole thing, i don’t put anywhere close to all of the ‘blame’ for this on my stepmum) was severe. We lost my baby brother at 19 due to mental health issues, which, if not directly caused by, were definitely exacerbated by our traumatic upbringing. Being a nine-year-old trying to manage everything and everyone against this constant wall of hatred from my stepmum had such a wide-reaching effect on my life — across so many contexts — until I could finally afford intensive extended therapy haha!

For context, my dad and stepmum met two years after we left mum and got married two years after that.

I want to be really honest in saying that my dad, after raising three kids single-handedly in such a difficult environment, was clearly seeking emotional and practical support in remarrying in a way we see so often discussed here and this is support he should have found in therapy not a woman’s unpaid emotional labour. I don’t see him as blameless. But my stepmum was stupid. She openly said she didn’t want to marry while my mum was still in our lives, then did it anyway. She regularly talked in front of us (me and my dad’s other 2 kids, her 2 kids) to her friends, colleagues, neighbours about how “messed up” my mum and our family was and how ridiculous it was that her and her kids’ lives were being impacted. As we grew into normal teenagers any rebellion or teenage act was weighted unfairly and unequally imo towards me and my brother and sister’s ‘delinquent background’ rather than just being teenage twats. Dont get me wrong, I had my fair share of twattery, but no more or less than my stepbrother who was given the grace to be a teenager it felt like.

She’d speak spitefully about our maternal grandparents and aunties/uncles, blaming them for not supporting my dad and leaving the burden on her. Over time, that turned into her actively blocking our access to them, said no more visits, no more calls, and that had a knock-on effect where they gave up reaching out, and my relationships with my cousins slowly fell away.

I want to stress that many of these examples could have been understandable, but were just awfully executed. Like, complain to your mates, sure, but not in front of us. And I don’t think she was the only one at fault: my mum’s side of the family could and should have tried harder to stay in touch. But these are all examples of how she put herself in a difficult position and then let that resentment turn into bitterness and, eventually, spite.

At the same time, she was also genuinely good, even great at times. She took me to book my first counselling sessions before I was old enough to get a part-time job and paid for them, knowing my dad couldn’t afford it. And to be honest, he was so emotionally checked out at that point that I doubt he’d have even thought to offer. So I do have empathy for her. I think it was just all too much for her, and she acted out of frustration.

Things like booking holidays just for her and my dad and her kids — because “her family needed a break from the mess my family had caused” — or openly favouring her children to somehow redress this imbalance… It was hurtful. But again, I don’t think she was trying to be evil. I think she was overwhelmed and dealing with it badly. Ultimately, the real failing was my father’s, not hers, and I don’t mean to place the blame unfairly on her by focusing this reply on her. I still have a relationship with my stepmum today (her and dad are no longer together unsurprisingly) - although it has been hard won - the reason your post resonated with me so much is because she is far from a bad person, simply a normal human who acted with malice borne out of legitimate frustration imo. I’m just trying to answer your question in a way that gives the clearest picture of what it was like for/with her and could be perhaps most useful from your perspective.

He’s accepted your children so you need to accept his. If you’re not happy with the situation then live separately. The children have to come first. Their mum will have to be sober for a certain length of time before contact can even be considered.

I don't think it makes much difference to be fair, You also signed up for it OP, at any time anything could have happened to his children's mother and they would become your husband's sole responsibility.

It was the risk you took, and the fact that he has fully accepted your children into his life, would make it seem pretty selfish to not accept his now, at a time when they need love and stability the most.

If you don't think you can fully accept his children as part of your life now and create a happy home for them to live in, then you should leave, but for their sake, not yours or your children.

So, all in all, I think I have a worthwhile perspective.

Definitely.

this is one person's chaos straining to contaminate another person's order. It is completely different.

Thank you. No one else seems to understand the distinction 😢If she were dead it would indeed be completely different mentally and emotionally.

I'm going to say instead that you come first, because a comfortable, well functioning you is what your DH and children need

A fresh perspective. I appreciate it, but I think people are going to pounce on you.

There are two ways to go at an incredibly complicated problem like this, which is either from the part you can't control, which is usually where we tend to start (the chaotic end), or from the part you can control (the stable end). The stable end is actually the place to start to craft your solution - it is really the only place that you could or should start. So capture what you have been doing for however long, and how that fits with your needs. That is the bedrock of the solution. Then look at how much you can stretch away from that without making a material difference to your wellbeing. That is where you can sensibly flex a little.

This is incredibly insightful. I've reread it several times. The stable end: I keep mentally afloat by routine, stability, and date nights. That's basically it in a nutshell.

So I do have empathy for her. I think it was just all too much for her, and she acted out of frustration.

Where was your dad in all of this?

They are his children and their mother is hurting them. There should be zero pressure on them to return to her home. He should be doing everything in his power to keep her as far away from them as possible until she proves that she can maintain her sobriety. Even then, her parenting should be heavily scrutinized for the duration.

honestly, the plan should never be to return to 50:50.

if you can’t handle that, then you need to leave. I’m also autistic. It doesn’t matter. These are his children and it’s his job to protect them and be their father.

I was raised in an alcoholic household. It is hell. There should be no thoughts of even trying to send them back. Just active working on ways to keep the monster away from them.

Your husband was able to give you what you wanted and needed for your stable functioning when he was a very part time parent to his kids. Now he's going to have to step up and make his kids his priority because they're in crisis. It's an open ended situation that unfortunately demands flexibility and that's up to you to decide whether you can deal or not.

I’m sorry you are going through this OP but if your DH is willing to get his already traumatised children put in foster care then he is an absolute monster. The EOW should have been a red flag- any decent divorced dad would be devastated to only get to see his children 2 days out of every fortnight. Either he’s a good dad and will care for and nurture his children full time (which you don’t want) or he’s an awful father and person (surely you don’t want this either?!)

He was an every other weekend dad and moved to 50/50 for financial reasons.

I mean, he was there, pushing back on some of my stepmums behaviour, supporting us to a degree, failing to support on other bits, largely spiralling into his own depression in ways that understandably or less understandably didnt always leave space for us to be well supported or ways that i would like to think i would be better at. My recollections of my dads role for good and bad in this period would be lengthy and detailed but practically of little use here. As I say, my reflections are neither holistic or comprehensive and certainly are only my perspective which is not authoritative. But I’ve tried to frame my responses only in terms of how me, kid of an alcoholic with a stepmum and opinions on how we interacted, could best offer advice to you.