Co-parenting with an alcoholic —children refusing contact. What now?

[NeuroSpicyCat]

Hi everyone, I’m in need of advice or insight from anyone who’s been in a similar situation—either as a co-parent, stepparent, or even adult child of a parent with addiction. For background: I’m autistic.

My husband has three children (11 and two 14-year-olds) with his ex-wife, who has a history of alcohol misuse (we’ve only found out about it a few months ago). She’s had periods of sobriety, but recently relapsed—again. The children were staying with her 50% and us 50% until a few weeks ago, when they disclosed to my husband that she’d been drinking again, hiding bottles, emotionally offloading on them (especially the eldest boy), and waking them up during the night in distress having hallucinations. They were also told to keep it secret from their dad.

They’re now living with us 100% temporarily, on the advice of children’s services, while support is being arranged for their mum. She was in a recovery programme in the past but stopped attending. She has a partner but he is at the end of his tether and has told the children he will be leaving soon. A family worker is due to be involved in the next few days. Her current drinking is being described by her partner as “maintenance drinking”—she’s consuming shots of vodka throughout the day “to avoid withdrawal”—but she’s not sober, and not currently in formal detox.

When my husband gently asked the children if they felt ready to see their mum (with another adult present), all three said no. One was particularly adamant. We’ve been very careful not to influence their decision either way.

I’m trying to support my husband while managing my own feelings—this whole situation has taken over our home life, and I’m worried about long-term disruption, especially as the children’s mother is still in denial about the emotional harm. I’m also struggling with resentment, guilt, and fear about what comes next. I care deeply about the kids, but I’m exhausted and anxious.

Has anyone been in a similar situation where the children refused contact? What helped? How do you protect your own wellbeing when your home becomes a crisis hub?

If they continue to live with us 100% we won’t be entitled to any state support as I earn too much, so our lifestyle will suffer. I have children of my own I need to think about (both are autistic).

AIBU to feel almost like a victim? My world is crumbling and I have no say. I feel like a passive bystander in someone’s else’s chaos.

Thank you in advance for any thoughts.

She claims for 3 because she had the 3rd before the cap was introduced in 2017.

You will have to assume the DC are with you for good. particularly as they don't want to see their mother at the moment. & if she tried to force it, they could go to a judge & explain the valid reasons for not returning to live with her, (although they might prefer that to going into foster care ?)
If I were you I would ask my H to shield you from the maximum stress of her calling & making chaos. It is his responsibility & he should know that if you get to breaking point that it will all be a whole lot more complicated if you end up leaving & selling the house!
I would also be asking my own DC how they feel? They need to be heard.

What I am getting from your posting is that it's the financial problems that are upsetting you the most. So Yes, your H should do the maximum to get all he is entitled to. He has the 3 kids, so he is entitled to the benefits.
no-one (bar the Ex wife) cares, or even knows what he gets.

Are there any Grandparents who could have them occasionally ?

@NeuroSpicyCat there is something that stands out for me in your posts - you genuinely sound so kind. The main point in your posts seems to be the need for consistency, and after losing your kid’s dad (so sorry to hear that 😭) your need is even more understandable

Are you able to hang onto the fact that you’re helping these kids enormously? They must be so relieved to have some stability at last 😔

Yes but I mean if you’re already claiming child benefit for your own DC. You can’t claim it for additional children. There are some circumstances like the woman that took in her siblings after their parent died. When she had a child of her own she was refused CB as she was already claiming it for her siblings. But as they are living with a biological parent you won’t be entitled to claim it.

If I were you I would ask my H to shield you from the maximum stress of her calling & making chaos

Here's the bind of autism: unpredictable things happening is triggering - literally blows my nervous system. However, uncertainty - especially the vibe that something is happening that you're not aware of - is also triggering.

Essentially, autistic people function optimally in routine, predictable environments.

At present my nervous system is absolutely shot. I'm weepy, I'm shaking with nerves, I can sleep for 12 hours a day. I go from crying in the shower to shutting down and losing hours zoning out. I can't cope with the current situation anywhere near as efficiently as an NT person. It's doing a real number on my physical and mental health.

I don't know what the answer is.

OMG Poor, poor, poor, poor, poor, poor YOU. 🤐

Tbh, I don’t think you’d need to be autistic to be stressed out about this. No one would be totally chilled about their life being turned upside down.

But as an adult, you really do need to pull yourself together and think about the children here. It’s totally unfair to all the children in your family to have another flakey adult around.

Is it really such a terrible disaster to have the two children living with you full time? In the great scheme of things? If you really do think and feel that it is, then the kindest thing to do is to bow out as soon as you can

This sounds very hard.

My tuppence is that this has come as a shock and you are possibly underestimating your own resilience in the situation.

IMHO (child of one) alcoholics very rarely recover and sort their shit out, unless financially necessary.

This makes it much easier for you as a family. The anxiety and distress comes from holding onto false belief that they will change.

Don't wait for that. Just get on with doing parenting (or leaving if you truly want that).

I get the autistic shutdown - but as said before this is a shock - give yourself a few days or weeks grace and focus on regulating activities.

I'm not saying you have to do this if you don't want to, but I wouldn't trust any decisions I made whilst in a shutdown.

This is definitely doing a number on your nervous system.

When I got diagnosed with ASD they recommended energy accounting, which led me to write lists of things that deplete me and things that energise me.

Some things I would recommend trying are:

Keeping your routine as much as possible, keeping everything that you can predictable, so foods, evening/bedtime routine, TV shows, etc.

It also sounds like you really need rest. But if you're anything like me what probably also means sensory rest, and brain rest.

So things I might do include wearing my most comfortable clothes, weighted blanket, healing sounds, soft lighting. Even taking a break for this can help. If there are things that you do that help you relax then that would be good. Loop earplugs when going out and sometimes just in the house if I need to take the edge off.

But another way to regulate is sometimes doing something that energised you. We're all different but what really energised me is researching topics of interest. Do you have anything like that which brings you back to "you"? Listening to your favourite book on audible all day every day as you do everything (that's helped me!), watching your favourite show/playing your favourite game?

As much as possible I'd try and double down on routine, manage sensory needs, and prioritise rest and any activities that help you to regulate.

Thanks everyone, I appreciate the advice and handholding through this.

I don’t think you’d need to be autistic to be stressed out about this. No one would be totally chilled about their life being turned upside down

Thank you. I often get hung up on, "What would a NT do in this situation?" and I feel shame for not reacting like I imagine the perfect NT wife to react. Deep shame.

My tuppence is that this has come as a shock and you are possibly underestimating your own resilience in the situation.

A huge shock, and all the ND folk reading this will know, a huge shock to us is an insurmountable crash of our whole system. We don't CHOOSE to react like this. A few of the comments here saying I'm selfish and should grow up - they are completely missing the reality of shock to the autistic brain, and to be honest, quite ablest.

It also sounds like you really need rest. But if you're anything like me what probably also means sensory rest, and brain rest

It feels like I need to be out of this environment for a while, but I also like the idea of headphones to drown out sound. I'm very on edge at the moment, I've even caught myself eavesdropping conversations to try and sense what the next step in the drama will be. So, headphones could help.