Co-parenting with an alcoholic —children refusing contact. What now?

[NeuroSpicyCat]

Hi everyone, I’m in need of advice or insight from anyone who’s been in a similar situation—either as a co-parent, stepparent, or even adult child of a parent with addiction. For background: I’m autistic.

My husband has three children (11 and two 14-year-olds) with his ex-wife, who has a history of alcohol misuse (we’ve only found out about it a few months ago). She’s had periods of sobriety, but recently relapsed—again. The children were staying with her 50% and us 50% until a few weeks ago, when they disclosed to my husband that she’d been drinking again, hiding bottles, emotionally offloading on them (especially the eldest boy), and waking them up during the night in distress having hallucinations. They were also told to keep it secret from their dad.

They’re now living with us 100% temporarily, on the advice of children’s services, while support is being arranged for their mum. She was in a recovery programme in the past but stopped attending. She has a partner but he is at the end of his tether and has told the children he will be leaving soon. A family worker is due to be involved in the next few days. Her current drinking is being described by her partner as “maintenance drinking”—she’s consuming shots of vodka throughout the day “to avoid withdrawal”—but she’s not sober, and not currently in formal detox.

When my husband gently asked the children if they felt ready to see their mum (with another adult present), all three said no. One was particularly adamant. We’ve been very careful not to influence their decision either way.

I’m trying to support my husband while managing my own feelings—this whole situation has taken over our home life, and I’m worried about long-term disruption, especially as the children’s mother is still in denial about the emotional harm. I’m also struggling with resentment, guilt, and fear about what comes next. I care deeply about the kids, but I’m exhausted and anxious.

Has anyone been in a similar situation where the children refused contact? What helped? How do you protect your own wellbeing when your home becomes a crisis hub?

If they continue to live with us 100% we won’t be entitled to any state support as I earn too much, so our lifestyle will suffer. I have children of my own I need to think about (both are autistic).

AIBU to feel almost like a victim? My world is crumbling and I have no say. I feel like a passive bystander in someone’s else’s chaos.

Thank you in advance for any thoughts.

Very understandable. My late husband was the alcoholic in my scenario, and I know from personal experience how chaotic they are. The stress is immense. As a family you could probably use some support - I suggest contacting AdFam. They will be able to signpost yoj to support for families affected by addiction. (I run a support group for such families, we exist). You don't have to do this alone.

You are not being unreasonable to feel upset about this, your world has been thrown upside down by the children's mother's drinking. HOWEVER, you would be very unreasonable to show this frustration to the children or make them feel they are imposing on you. Their father's home is their home and if their presence means it's no longer a suitable home for your children then one of you will need to move out with your children. This doesn't have to be the end of your relationship you could live apart until kids are older. Ultimately this whole thing is awful and I can see why you're upset but the children are the primary victims in this and as an adult it is your role to support them and put them first.

Stop worrying about the exes next move and consider the fact that this is it.

They don’t want to and should not go back.

What is your next move?

I was the child in this situation.

Recovering alcoholic here. I would respect their wishes and make sure they have support in place to talk about all of this with someone.

It’s actually rare for children not to want to see their parent, even a messy alcoholic one. So for them to refuse is a big, brave thing. They need to know that you hear them and you have their backs.

You also say they are living with you temporarily. I think you need to adjust your thinking on this. They are likely going to be living with you full-time for the foreseeable future, not temporarily. If their mum is this unwell, and hallucinations are quite unwell, realistically, she may not get better. Even if she gets sober and lives a long life, they are going to need a stable home and that’s with their dad.

Which is why I would have to reframe and assume kids are with you for next 8 months (not 'forever' cause that might be too permanent for the kids involved - but long enough to sort out the practical elements..)

Her next move is important but you all need to plan how you live, what you do. Plan for them living with their dad long term and how that needs to happen. Together or apart?

'If they continue to live with us 100% we won’t be entitled to any state support as I earn too much, so our lifestyle will suffer. I have children of my own I need to think about (both are autistic)'

So he has to put up with your kids but not vice versa!

can you not just accept that they live with you full time now and focus on that?

My two biggest heartaches with the current situation are: strain on finances, and frequent unpredictable drama from the ex. On the latter: Goalposts moving, strange texts, curveballs. My nervous system is flared up and I’m getting ill.

If it was me I'd remember that his children have just as much right to be with their father as yours do with their mother. Giving them a safe and secure home should be his priority. You need to get on board or leave. They should have been with you a lot more a lot earlier in their lives from the sounds of it.

There is no choice. Just like if my ex loses his job and stops paying the tiny bit of CMS he does. My lovely DH did not have choice that his wife died 5 years ago.

I wasn’t the victim of a parent who was an alcoholic but I was the victim of child abuse. I wasn’t removed.

My childhood friend married a man with two children and his ex was an alcoholic their time with mum was awful, bewildering, abused children, neglect whilst she drank. They talked about taking his children full time to protect them, they were having 50/50 and the kids were 11,14 and 16 and room and finances were tight and they agreed to. The next day the alcoholic mum was found dead when they went around to offer to have the children full time - these are children. You are a family. He needs to parent full time as the other parent isn’t and you need to support that. I married my DH he has an adult son. Whatever happens I am there for him.

What an awful situation for everyone, but especially your stepkids. Despite him being an “every other weekend dad” when you met him, as a parent yourself you must have (certainly should have) appreciated that anything can happen, and the kids might need more from him in future. His ex could have died - they’d have to live with him then. Their mother has effectively “died” to them by abdicating her parental responsibility in favour of alcohol. They have no one else so obviously need to live with him. If you can’t make that work for you and your children, then however hard it is (and I do appreciate that it will be a big change), he has to prioritise their needs over yours because they are his children and you are an adult.

You would protect your own children in the same way, in a heartbeat, I’m sure.

They are his children and his first priority, which is as it should be. They don't want to see their mum at the moment and from what you've said, I can see why. Hopefully given time and if she gets into treatment, they can reconnect with her. At the moment, they need breathing space and to feel safe and secure. Is your partner able to take some time off work to be with them?

Thank you for the empathy.

I like the idea of a timeframe, it gives me a sense of agency and certainty which is important to me as an autistic person. After 8 months, what then happens?

This is so rude. He’s a good father and is caring for his children. Which is what you’d want him to do for the children you had with him if something were to happen to you. Stop imagineering those children away. They came first. Sorry you want the father of your children to treat his children poorly. That would ultimately include yours.

Can your partner change the communication arrangements?
Surely he can block her calls and texts and go through social security or a lawyer. The kids don't want to see her so just stop contact and concentrate on the well being of your whole household in a sustainable way.
Put a safe barrier between her and you all.
Having you all worrying about her texts etc is unfair.

I feel for you OP, this will change the dynamics of your home & life, it's completely normal to be worried about this. On top of all that you have these poor children who will be impacted by their mums alcoholism, I say this as a daughter of alcoholic parents. I wish you all the best of luck xx

“He was an every other weekend day” So it was fine that he had children as long as he only saw them two days out of 14 🙄

The texts and the drama can be managed, and your husband has to lead this fully. That will probably mean supporting the DC in blocking their mum (there are strategies for this and I can help, pm me if you need to) and shielding you from direct contact. Your husband should not shy away from involving the police if his ex brings any drama to your door. He should work with Social Services and leave you clear as much as possible.

Be there to support him, enable him you detach from his ex emotionally as much as he can, focus on making your home a calm and safe space for all of you.

Thank you. We are a bit of a niche however, being a blended family.

I think in the short term, consider what you can do to support your MH- space on your own? Exercise?

Longer term it may mean 2 separate households but doesn’t need to be the end of your relationship. My DSis and her partner live apart- both have 3 kids who are with them majority of the time and are too young to all live together really.

Imagine how his children are feeling. I'm truly shocked by your selfish attitude.

Did you have a stepparent? Was your mum the alcoholic?

I had 24 hours notice that my dsd was moving in! No discussion her mother decided to move in with her dp and there was no space for dsd. Dsd was older so past the point where I needed to be a “mother” except in the food production sense but it wasn’t planned for. Anyone considering moving in with a dp with dc part time must accept it could be full time at very short notice.

Which is nowhere near enough. Any parent can become (and should be ready to become) a full time parent at any time, and anyone who marries them needs to be ready for that too.

What the mother is going to do isn’t within your sphere of influence. You won’t change her behaviour so worrying about it will only add to your stress levels. It’s hard but try to take her out of your thinking. The things you can influence are the impact on your kids, your husband, the step kids and you. Break it down into what’s essential - keeping the wheels turning, everyone clothed, fed, at school etc. Make sure all the kids have one to one time with their parent and that home is as calm and safe for all of you as feasible. Take a breather every day, even if it’s just a walk round the block. Try contacting a support group like Al-anon - your story will be one they’ve heard before and they’ll be able to signpost help. If it’s helpful maybe write down what you’re worrying about and break it into steps of what you can do.