Co-parenting with an alcoholic —children refusing contact. What now?

[NeuroSpicyCat]

Hi everyone, I’m in need of advice or insight from anyone who’s been in a similar situation—either as a co-parent, stepparent, or even adult child of a parent with addiction. For background: I’m autistic.

My husband has three children (11 and two 14-year-olds) with his ex-wife, who has a history of alcohol misuse (we’ve only found out about it a few months ago). She’s had periods of sobriety, but recently relapsed—again. The children were staying with her 50% and us 50% until a few weeks ago, when they disclosed to my husband that she’d been drinking again, hiding bottles, emotionally offloading on them (especially the eldest boy), and waking them up during the night in distress having hallucinations. They were also told to keep it secret from their dad.

They’re now living with us 100% temporarily, on the advice of children’s services, while support is being arranged for their mum. She was in a recovery programme in the past but stopped attending. She has a partner but he is at the end of his tether and has told the children he will be leaving soon. A family worker is due to be involved in the next few days. Her current drinking is being described by her partner as “maintenance drinking”—she’s consuming shots of vodka throughout the day “to avoid withdrawal”—but she’s not sober, and not currently in formal detox.

When my husband gently asked the children if they felt ready to see their mum (with another adult present), all three said no. One was particularly adamant. We’ve been very careful not to influence their decision either way.

I’m trying to support my husband while managing my own feelings—this whole situation has taken over our home life, and I’m worried about long-term disruption, especially as the children’s mother is still in denial about the emotional harm. I’m also struggling with resentment, guilt, and fear about what comes next. I care deeply about the kids, but I’m exhausted and anxious.

Has anyone been in a similar situation where the children refused contact? What helped? How do you protect your own wellbeing when your home becomes a crisis hub?

If they continue to live with us 100% we won’t be entitled to any state support as I earn too much, so our lifestyle will suffer. I have children of my own I need to think about (both are autistic).

AIBU to feel almost like a victim? My world is crumbling and I have no say. I feel like a passive bystander in someone’s else’s chaos.

Thank you in advance for any thoughts.

you (and the children - most importantly) will have less unpredictable drama if the kids are with you under a live with contact order.
Sorry but your lifestyle will need to decrease in quality as you step up to step parenting.
Good luck - you are doing a great thing but you need to view this as the children's gain and the right thing to do, not your loss

Ask yourself whether you would want to be with a man who wouldn’t step up to look after his own flesh and blood when they’re being abused? Because their home life with their mum was abusive.

I also think we need to move away from women somehow being the main parent and it being acceptable for men to become the kind of weekend dad you described.

That being said, this is a lot to deal with given you have 2 autistic children. Just be honest and let him know how you feel about this and that, ultimately, the weight of this will fall on his shoulders.

I can’t believe that really happens in the general population

It does. Takes a certain mindset to be able to absolve yourself of any parental responsibility or being of such a character that you need intervention but yes, it definitely does.

Your husband’s children need to live with him, probably until they are grown up. They need the security and safety of a permanent home away from the turmoil of their mother’s home. They are the victims here, not you: they chose none of this.

If you’re not up for that, then I’d advise you to split from him and set up home separately. His DCs don’t need more upheaval down the line, or to be feeling like you’re wanting them out, to their mother or foster care (which won’t happen, and nor should it)

My DP’ s dc live with him full time as their mother is an alcoholic, they don’t even see her. It’s very difficult. I’d never marry him or move on because of this but k respect him for doing it.

I myself took on a family member’s child twenty years ago as they couldn’t care for them. Yes, it’s been hard but it’s the children who need looked after

Can we apply for full custody straight away? Or is there the expectation that she should have the opportunity to try several more times to get sober?

How is it likely to pan out? I’d feel so much better with some certainty

You’d never marry him or move in? Why?

In the immediate term, can you take steps to soothe your nervous system, be that with yoga, art, a walk in the woods, whatever works for you. Being grounded and healthy will help all of you to deal with the issues calmly.

Medium term, as pp suggested give a time frame to cope until you reassess. Then see how the land lies.

During that time, expect challenges from the children (all of them) and probably their mother, but if you keep repeating step one you will be better placed to manage that.

It sounds really hard but it isn’t a given that it’s the end of your marriage. Good luck!

The dcs are very much of the age when any court would take their views if where they want to stay on board.

No need to apply for custody,I’d leave it to her to seek that tbh, while they remain with their dad

This is heart breaking to read. Those poor children, living in a toxic environment and being unwanted by their father's wife who only ever was ok with her husband being the part-time every-other-weekend Daddy.

When you get together with a man with children, you should absolutely get to terms with the fact that you may end up with them full-time due to changes in circumstances then. It was incredibly naïve for this to have never crossed your mind and I'm surprised it didn't considering you say you have autism and overthinking is very usual with autism.

Does your husband know how you feel about having his children live with you both full-time? Does he know you're thinking you've "learned your lesson", and won't be looking at single dads in future? Shocking comments.

I certainly hope your husband has welcomed his children with open arms and has stepped up to help them navigate through all of the childhood trauma they've experienced.

Thanks everyone. The handholding is much appreciated and I apologise I’ve offended anyone (a common experience as an autistic person and not intended I assure you).

Id feel so much better with certainty, even if that means the kids live with us fulltime and we’re only entitled to extra child benefits. That’s not ideal but it’s fine, not having worry about the ex’s next move is the biggest freedom.

The thing is, his children are in crisis. There are no firm answers for you right now and maybe not for months. The priority is here for him to step up as a parent and protect them. That involves them being in his home and having therapy. That is going to be ongoing. They are the victims of their mom's addiction, not you.

Some depends on what kind of help their mom is willing to access. It sounds like she needs to be hospitalized for medically managed detox and then rehab. But, she might not take that route. Whichever, his kids will be with him for a long period of time.

When you married a man with 3 kids, did you guys really never discuss the possibility of his kids coming to live with him full time in the event of something drastic happening?

@NeuroSpicyCat massive hugs. Maybe this is for a year. Maybe it’s for 6 years. But it might just be a blip in a long relationship together. If you are together another 30 or 40 years this is a blip.

I get this isn’t what you had planned for your family unit but Jesus - those poor kids.

are they absolute shits or something? Is he an awful parent that lacks discipline? Can you see a way you all integrate for a while whilst things are resolved with mum?

would you abaondon your children so fast if they weren’t confirming to a life you expected? Would you expect your partner to stand by you if your children developed severe behavioural or mental health issues?

life doesn’t always follow a path we’d like. The fact that your partner having to fully parent his children seems to be a relationship ended for you is sad. I wish you luck. I hope things work out for you all.

Of course it does. Lots of fathers also think their responsibility ends at every other weekend.

You don't need to apply for anything. The children just live with you now, you don't need anyone to approve that or formalise it.

I think a child arrangements order is the best option. Then she can’t try any stupid games. She’s already tried to parentify her son, which has made me feel sick! If I can put an end to this noise with a child arrangements order, I can get through the rest.

would the court grant one?

Is that what the children want and is it what your husband wants? Has your husband sought legal advice?

I'm sure you could apply for full custody right away, although you currently have it so seems unnecessary and premature right now.

The children currently live with you full time and don't want contact with their mother. That's the 'certainty' right now. I agree that accepting that, and getting your head round that as the status quo for at least a set time period is going to be best - so say you decide right that is what is happening for the next 8 months as suggested.

So how does that look - where does everyone sleep? What is the new household budget and how will the increase be met - can you apply for maintenance from the ex or would you rather leave her out of it? Child benefit - a quick google suggests that your husband can still claim child benefit for his 'pre-existing' children even though you earn over the threshold, so that's worth looking into. He can do that though surely? How do all children in the household get to school each day, what wraparound care if any is required? How do you schedule your time so everyone gets some downtime as well as time with their own parent? Are the schools in the loop with what has happened, and is there any support they can offer? What support can you access for the children in terms of counselling/ emotional support - again your husband should take the lead on this. But groups like the one a previous poster suggested and runs will have come across blended families before, so don't discount them because you think your situation is 'niche'.

After the set time period - you re-assess, maybe you've all settled in to the new routine and it's working for you all, maybe there need to be some changes, maybe that's when you decide nope this isn't for me.

You block your step children's mother on every communication channel relating to you personally. Your husband can perhaps set up an email address specifically about the children/ co-parenting matters and block her on everything else. Or he can look into a co-parenting app.

If children's services are involved/ advising that the children live with you full time then presumably they are aware of the situation and the children are on some kind of support plan? Presumably they wouldn't be ok with going back to shared custody anyway - have they given any recommendations about contact - whether and how it should happen?

Take a breath. Make a plan. You don’t have to resolve the entire situation in one sitting.

You can plan that (for example) from now until July, the children live with you full time while arrangements are made for the future.

You can plan that, until after school holidays, you aren’t going to commit to any plans or permanent changes.

You can plan that before the summer holidays you will have worked out a longer plan of action.

You can plan that, if the shit hits the fan and chaos breaks out, you and your DC can stay in an AirB&B or short term let to get some space from upheaval. I don’t think you’ll need to, but it’s a plan.

I always feel better if I have a plan, whether life runs according to the plan or not. I did my bit. I had a plan!

Hi OP, as you can probably guess from my name, I’m ND. I’m sorry you’re in this position, sounds difficult all round. I think you’ve handled the comments well actually.
Ultimately, you will have to put your own DC first.
Autism makes us struggle with change. No matter what happens, you are facing massive change. It sounds to me like you will actually cope better once things are decided. I do think you probably have 3 choices: his DC move in with you, he moves out with his DC but you stay together (I see you don’t want that) or he moves out and you split. I think the issue is, at this point, you don’t have any idea how long this will be, which makes it more difficult.
You need to talk things through with him, discuss what he thinks is best for his DC, think about the impact it will have on your DC and you and find the best outcome for all of you. I think you’ll be okay once you have a clear idea of what to expect, whatever that is. It’s the unexpected change that’s throwing you because of the Autism.

You and your DH need to sit down with SS and a solicitor to discuss your options. Nobody here can give you all the answers.
Personally I would leave my DH if he didn't take his children in. They are young, fragile and need a loving home. If you go separate ways then so be it but your DH has to parent these poor children.

If DH applied for child benefits now, his ex would lose all child related benefits right? That’s how it works? We don’t want her kicked out of her social housing (which would probably happen due to bedroom tax).

It’s normal to be overwhelmed with the chaos and changing plans, especially with autism. I’d vent that away from your DH because you AREN’T the victim. The children are. And they need the support. You need support too but it needs to come from friends, therapy, or online community.

As the dust settles you may have to decide if you can live with the changes or if it is too much for you and your DC. But don’t go leaping to that. You are adaptable it just might take you longer to process and adapt and you might need to give yourself extra breaks and support to manage it

Pretty much all the divorced dads I know have their kids 50:50 or certainly more than EOW actually. Why your DH chose to see so little of his DCs while presumably seeing more of yours I don't know.

You were naive not to think this was a possibility. People get ill, die, incapable etc - and I find it highly unlikely your DH didn't know she misused alcohol assuming they were together for at least 4 years.

When you marry someone with kids. You have to take them on as your own. Expect at some point they live with you.

There's not a lot of point. At the children's ages they can choose where they live. A court order won't constrain her or prevent them from going back to her if they want to.