Co-parenting with an alcoholic —children refusing contact. What now?

[NeuroSpicyCat]

Hi everyone, I’m in need of advice or insight from anyone who’s been in a similar situation—either as a co-parent, stepparent, or even adult child of a parent with addiction. For background: I’m autistic.

My husband has three children (11 and two 14-year-olds) with his ex-wife, who has a history of alcohol misuse (we’ve only found out about it a few months ago). She’s had periods of sobriety, but recently relapsed—again. The children were staying with her 50% and us 50% until a few weeks ago, when they disclosed to my husband that she’d been drinking again, hiding bottles, emotionally offloading on them (especially the eldest boy), and waking them up during the night in distress having hallucinations. They were also told to keep it secret from their dad.

They’re now living with us 100% temporarily, on the advice of children’s services, while support is being arranged for their mum. She was in a recovery programme in the past but stopped attending. She has a partner but he is at the end of his tether and has told the children he will be leaving soon. A family worker is due to be involved in the next few days. Her current drinking is being described by her partner as “maintenance drinking”—she’s consuming shots of vodka throughout the day “to avoid withdrawal”—but she’s not sober, and not currently in formal detox.

When my husband gently asked the children if they felt ready to see their mum (with another adult present), all three said no. One was particularly adamant. We’ve been very careful not to influence their decision either way.

I’m trying to support my husband while managing my own feelings—this whole situation has taken over our home life, and I’m worried about long-term disruption, especially as the children’s mother is still in denial about the emotional harm. I’m also struggling with resentment, guilt, and fear about what comes next. I care deeply about the kids, but I’m exhausted and anxious.

Has anyone been in a similar situation where the children refused contact? What helped? How do you protect your own wellbeing when your home becomes a crisis hub?

If they continue to live with us 100% we won’t be entitled to any state support as I earn too much, so our lifestyle will suffer. I have children of my own I need to think about (both are autistic).

AIBU to feel almost like a victim? My world is crumbling and I have no say. I feel like a passive bystander in someone’s else’s chaos.

Thank you in advance for any thoughts.

So not a good Father then. But typical of a number of divorced father's who feel the money is what matters and their children are simply possessions to be used as it suits them and not what is best for the kids.

Tbh EOW was the norm at least 15 years ago It’s only fairly recently that 50/50 is something that has become the norm

I know quite a few people (fathers and mothers) who wouldn’t be able to do 50/50 because they work abroad. Or their job isn’t Monday to Friday 9-5.

Wondering how they would have done 50/50

After 8 months, you should be more adjusted to it being your normal - don't fixate upon it in terms of 'they'll go away then' - and the idea of them having the stability, reliability, safety and security you both can offer them will become more logical than chucking them back within a couple of weeks after she's come out of rehab (if she even gets that far) and having them need to come straight back.

this is one person's chaos straining to contaminate another person's order. It is completely different.
Thank you. No one else seems to understand the distinction 😢If she were dead it would indeed be completely different mentally and emotionally.

It isn’t though. His ex isn’t an alcoholic just to mess up your life.
I get that it’s difficult for you but by saying things like if she was dead it would be completely different (as in better?!), this just sounds like you are making this all about you and your feelings and your need for predictability and consistency in your life. Life doesn’t work that way. Not for anyone.

Or maybe he is a good father and the money given in CM wasn’t being spent on children but on booze.
Vodka isn’t cheap and I doubt exw had a job whilst having vodka shots throughout the day

No offence OP but this guys sounds worse with every comment you make about him - so he only took his kids 50/50 to avoid paying maintenance?

Oh.

How disappointing.

But you cannot depend on that remaining the case. She could have died, moved away leaving the children, this. When you get into a relationship with someone with children you need to be willing to have them live with their parent full time if circumstances dictate that is what the child/ren need.

Sorry, but you need to step up. Seek support for yourself from a counselor who will help you to stop spiraling.

The children have one parent who is responsible and sober, and you need to support him as his partner.

The alternatives for those children are unthinkable - foster care or a return to the bosom of someone who will psychologically and emotionally abuse them while continuing to indulge in denial about alcoholism.

But there is no need for drama.
The children need calm and consistent parenting, something they don’t get from an alcoholic ( ime, I was married to one)
SS are involved, they will listen to the children. They are old enough to make up their own minds about seeing their mum and the Court will take their wishes into consideration.
Yes, 5 children is a lot but they’re older, at least they’re not toddlers!

You need to agree a strategy with your husband.
Then explain this to the children. Reassure them they can ask questions, change their mind about seeing their mum etc…
Get support for yourself —- either via SS or contact Al-Anon. Honestly, when I spoke to a support service for families of alcoholics I saw what was going on, everything became clearer, it was like a weight had lifted.

it’ll be a marathon, not a sprint but none of this is the kids fault. If you cannot cope, don’t think you can support long term then say so now. But if you can you’ll help them not only through their childhood but into adulthood too.

The poor mother. Sounds like he was an impossible father and she was under terrible emotional and financial stress.

I have sought counselling for myself. It'll be starting in a couple of weeks.

I know what I need to do: focus on keeping my mental health afloat and focus on my kids and keeping my job. What makes all of this harder is not knowing from one day to the next what will happen. My anxiety is through the roof. I'm already on max antidepressants, so I worry what other options I have to help my mental health.

?

Not sure what you mean. She was claiming 3 x child tax credits, PIP, child benefits, housing benefit whilst living with a partner and enjoying his income.

But yeah, poor mother indeed.

As a fellow autistic person my advice here is to ask that DH keeps you out of the day to day random texts/updates from his ex.

As it stands, the children are with you for the foreseeable and nothing is likely to change, especially not quickly.

It doesn't have to be so unpredictable. Really, your DH does have agency here. He is their parent and if and when his ex/his kids decide they want contact, he doesn't need to jump and do whatever anyone randomly suggests. It would make an awful lot more sense if he had his head screwed on, and if they did resume contact, they should do so in a gradual, safe and consistent way that eventually builds up to fuller contact if/when she has consistently shown she is well enough.

Would it help you to discuss with DH a rational and possibly researched plan about what your 'protocol' will be if one/all of the kids say they want to see her? What would the boundaries be and what would you need to see on her end to make that an option? Would it help to talk through those scenarios with the social worker?

I'm basically wonder if you would feel less anxious is you were able to step away from the drama in the moment, and could rest on the idea that they are here now, and have in mind what will actually happen if anything changes.

I would also do this. Timeframe. What happens is a review at that time.

Honestly, when I spoke to a support service for families of alcoholics I saw what was going on, everything became clearer, it was like a weight had lifted.

Can you explain a bit more please?

Oh bugger off

But his ex’s addiction is messing up her children’s lives and the lives of everyone close to her.

People don’t get addicted to something because they want to but once the addiction takes hold it affects everyone they are in contact with.

By making excuses for the ex and painting the father as some sort of terrible parent

Does that mean if you mentally abuse your children whilst drunk and are an alcoholic all is forgiven

But if you try and see your children more, meaning ex isn’t abusing the children for more time during the week and you cut off money you give her which she spent on alcohol that makes you a terrible parent

People who are alcoholics and are still drinking don’t just affect themselves, the ripples go far and wide and if your dh is co parenting with a non functioning alcoholic then their actions and words will in turn affect you no matter how much of a carrier you put up.

She got benefits and a very, very part time father whose wages you enjoyed?😮

You need to look further than yourself and your therapy, your autism, your incovenience.
You need to back right out of this IMO. Not your situation to "solve".

I think a pp was spot on about starting with what you can control. I can totally understand how frightening and unsettling lack of control and agency is but maybe you need to reframe things. Don’t view your house as crisis central, see it as a refuge for just now. Assuming you stay at least for now you need a plan, everyone will benefit from order, routine and calm. You and your partner need to sit down together and concentrate on practicalities, where does everyone sleep, do they need to collect possessions from their mothers, how will school run etc work, partner needs to start any legal moves. You need to sit down all seven of you and talk openly about the potential difficulties of being a larger household, expectations about chores. Can your sc get any counselling at school, can you find a way of your partner only looking at messages once a day. Aim in everything for structure.

Thinking autism:.

House rules. You and your kids are going to need some quiet times. A space to retreat.
This needs to be managed without making the other kids feel like they are the problem. Phrase it as the autism is the problem..The three step kids may need time with dad anyway.

You've had an overwhelming few weeks and you need to take time to have an easier few weeks or risk autistic burn out. Cut back on none essentials. You might need a "retreat" day or two somewhere quiet. (Possibly taken in separate half days given circumstances. Could be sitting and reading in the car in a country park car park etc.)
Cut back on food prep and get stuff that is easy if the autism allows.

Chores can be divided. play to peoples strengths.

I really felt for you until this post. “Most” divorced Dads are not every other weekend parents. Why did you want to share your life with a man who thinks parenting his kids approx 15% of the time is ok? I’m glad for them that he’s stepped up to 50:50 and is advocating for them now and you should either support him to do so or leave.

NeuroSpicyCat

Don’t look at this as having to suck up the drama.

These children I can 100% guarantee they don’t want drama it is what they are running away from.

Try to keep everything in an even keel and ask dh to block her number at certain times of the day not just for your sake but her children’s.

Ask dh to ask the dc if they will block her number for certain days or at certain times so you can have an evening meal in peace or when they are doing their homework and only deal with her calls at certain times of day when you are there to support them

In the meantime treat the children like they have come for their 50% of the week everyday and keep everything running as smoothly as possible and keep out of commenting negatively about their mother

Things will work out and it is hard to have to hold down a f/t job as well as having 3 extra children but control what you can. Be practical and keep smiling

It is your dh who has to deal with her for now

I would look at going to talk to people from Al anon. It might help put things into perspective and what pattern is being followed.
And it might help with how to tackle the more practical issues

I am sure there will be someone who has lived through what you are going through and come out the other side

I think the way you handle it is just make peace with the fact that the kids live with you 100% of the time now. If she gets herself straightened out and the kids want to go back to the 50/50 arrangement that's great but I would assume going forward that that is not going to happen and plan accordingly.