Co-parenting with an alcoholic —children refusing contact. What now?

[NeuroSpicyCat]

Hi everyone, I’m in need of advice or insight from anyone who’s been in a similar situation—either as a co-parent, stepparent, or even adult child of a parent with addiction. For background: I’m autistic.

My husband has three children (11 and two 14-year-olds) with his ex-wife, who has a history of alcohol misuse (we’ve only found out about it a few months ago). She’s had periods of sobriety, but recently relapsed—again. The children were staying with her 50% and us 50% until a few weeks ago, when they disclosed to my husband that she’d been drinking again, hiding bottles, emotionally offloading on them (especially the eldest boy), and waking them up during the night in distress having hallucinations. They were also told to keep it secret from their dad.

They’re now living with us 100% temporarily, on the advice of children’s services, while support is being arranged for their mum. She was in a recovery programme in the past but stopped attending. She has a partner but he is at the end of his tether and has told the children he will be leaving soon. A family worker is due to be involved in the next few days. Her current drinking is being described by her partner as “maintenance drinking”—she’s consuming shots of vodka throughout the day “to avoid withdrawal”—but she’s not sober, and not currently in formal detox.

When my husband gently asked the children if they felt ready to see their mum (with another adult present), all three said no. One was particularly adamant. We’ve been very careful not to influence their decision either way.

I’m trying to support my husband while managing my own feelings—this whole situation has taken over our home life, and I’m worried about long-term disruption, especially as the children’s mother is still in denial about the emotional harm. I’m also struggling with resentment, guilt, and fear about what comes next. I care deeply about the kids, but I’m exhausted and anxious.

Has anyone been in a similar situation where the children refused contact? What helped? How do you protect your own wellbeing when your home becomes a crisis hub?

If they continue to live with us 100% we won’t be entitled to any state support as I earn too much, so our lifestyle will suffer. I have children of my own I need to think about (both are autistic).

AIBU to feel almost like a victim? My world is crumbling and I have no say. I feel like a passive bystander in someone’s else’s chaos.

Thank you in advance for any thoughts.

Surely you knew this was a possibility when you got involved with him. Of course the children have to live with him for as long as necessary/forever.
They must be going through so much. If this is to much for you then you and he need to split so he can offer the kids a stable home. I'm really sorry if that sounds hard but the kids come first. I'm sorry this might not be what you want to hear.

I can't help with the financial side, but your husband has to listen to his DC and protect them. They are not safe with their mother and they know it. They are also of an age where their wishes would be seriously considered if it ever came to court. They should not be forced or cajoled into contact with an active alcoholic. I was where your husband is now, except my two were 15 and 17. They refused all contact. I had guidance from Social Services who supported that.

If it looks as if the DC will be with you for the loner term, your husband should apply to receive their Child Benefit; that should help a little.

Lastly, I realise how very hard this is, but don't make your husband choose between you and his DC. Chances are you won't like the choice he makes.

That’s what I feared. Me and my children have to suck up the drama or I lose my marriage and they lose their home.

Yes, pretty much. You knew he had children when you married him.

“I was where your husband is now, except my two were 15 and 17. They refused all contact. I had guidance from Social Services who supported that.”

Did your ex get all benefits for the kids? Council house? Did your ex have them 50% before the relapses?

did you need to go to court or did the ex not fight?

He was an “every other weekend” dad when we met. Like most divorced dads.

don't make your husband choose between you and his DC. Chances are you won't like the choice he makes.

I know. The only people with a choice here are his ex (to sober up or not) and me (to leave or not).

I have learned my lesson. Never marry a man with kids unless they are grown up.

You are entitled to feel like your life has been blow up and it has but you do either have to accept and work through it as a family or you live separately.
If that’s the best thing for everyone then you need to do that.

The children need their dad, they need safety and security and you are part of that.

No-one ‘expects’ things like this to happen but it has to be thought about when a decision is made to blend families and have more children (not sure if your kids are your husband’s).

Are your children also your husband's children?

But there was never a guarantee that he would always have that level of contact. People die, change jobs etc that affect contact agreements.

I would try to not see your home becoming a crisis centre, and see it as the safe place for his DC. Be happy that they were able to tell him what was going on and that he has stepped up to protect them.

As a couple you need to work out how to manage this new life for all the children, yours included.

Ok. Deep breath. It's early days ay the moment - his children have been with you for a few weeks. You and your husband must be reeling from these changes and having to make huge changes. That's not easy at all.

His children need protecting, but so do yours. They have their own needs too.

Try to think it through and talk calmly to him. He will naturally be concerned for his children and you wouldn't want otherwise. But then remind him that you have children too with their needs. Things may not be able to go forward in the same way as you have all been used to, but you both need to put all of the children first and try to find a way to protect them all.

You don't say how old your children are, nor whether you work. It is all very difficult for you all, but keep talking to and supporting each other and you will find a way forward. . .

work through it as a family

I don’t know how we work through it as it wasn’t our actions that led to this. We are at the mercy of his ex.

im hugely distressed at having no agent here. The uncertainty is triggering my autism and I feel I can’t breathe.

Our situation wasn't the same as yours because there was no blended family issue. However, the issue of refusing contact was identical and would have been even if I had had a new partner with k8ds of their own. A parent will put their children first.

How do you feel about the kids? Instead of focusing on 'chaos' can you not just accept that they live with you full time now and focus on that? Or is that the issue, that you don't want to 'share' your home and husband all the time? If your concern is the 'chaos' then I'd say working on a plan for full custody with supervised access for mum makes sense, which gives you all a more stable platform to work from. If the issue is more that you don't actually want all the kids in the house full time then I agree with pps the only option is to split.

Our every day is spent worrying what his ex’s next move will be.

And then things changed and he stepped up, because his children needed him. Tough on you, but the right thing to do. You have a right to feel bitter and unhappy about it, but he's doing the right thing.

As a couple you need to work out how to manage this new life

How do we do this? My mind is too overwhelmed to think. What steps would you take in my situation?

Honestly, I wouldn't like that either. It's the lack of control I would struggle with and having (as you rightly put it ..) someone else's chaos thrust upon you.

I'd be worried too about the home being a 'crisis hub'. Even that wording makes it sound temporary- uncertainty and lack of control are two things I'd try and tackle. In my mind, I'd put a minimum 8 month time frame on it. And make the assumption that that they will be with you, permanently, for that timeframe. That way can organise physical / practical stuff around this? (Finance, rooms, school etc).

I think the first step is assuming that the ex won't get sober and stop taking her into consideration. Assume that 100% residency is now on your DH. So it's child benefit payments, request maintenance payments from the ex etc.

Then it's big stuff like the reality of bedrooms/bathrooms and can you all fit or will you need to look at moving?

Why would your home be the crisis hub? His children are with him 100% of the time and he gets on with things and cares for them, same as you do for your children.
If you need to prioritise your children then yes, splitting up is an option.

I have learned my lesson. Never marry a man with kids unless they are grown up.

You have a right to feel like your life has been flipped upside down. But you are coming across very me me me. Your husbands children that you accepted before you married him are going through the toughest time in their life right now and you are writing things about being the victim, or that you’ve learnt your lesson not to marry someone with kids.

OP your feelings of overwhelment are VALID. But you are being very tunnel vision on this. Everything right now is up in the air but there is always a light at the end of the tunnel.

Your husbands ex is getting help, the kids are with you safe and sound and professionals are aware of the situation. Trust me when I say in a year the situation will most likely be different.

it’s been a few weeks, it’s early days, to consider jumping ship or losing your marriage over this is insanity

whether you work.

I’m the higher earner. I work fulltime. We both do.

And now he has to step up and be a full time dad. That is always a possibility in any family.

My ex is an alcoholic. My ds refuses to go to his house where he drinks. DS will see him at our house, but ex has to drive 85 miles to get here. DS' reasoning is that his dad wouldn't do that drunk. It also means that DS won't see his dad around Christmas or New Year because he is invariably drunk.

I support DS in that. Ds lives at mine all year. This is his home.

I was recently in a five year relationship (not living together) and he wanted me to insist ds went to his dad's half the time. I refused and we went our separate ways. Children ALWAYS come first.

So of course your DH must give his children a home.

You feel like a victim because you are one; a victim of the alcohol addicted woman.
Your DP has little choice but to work harder and put in more towards his children for the next few years. Not a penny towards alcohol in the sight of his poor children.
Their mother might recover but right now she is not reliable and it is hard for you all.