Co-parenting with an alcoholic —children refusing contact. What now?

[NeuroSpicyCat]

Hi everyone, I’m in need of advice or insight from anyone who’s been in a similar situation—either as a co-parent, stepparent, or even adult child of a parent with addiction. For background: I’m autistic.

My husband has three children (11 and two 14-year-olds) with his ex-wife, who has a history of alcohol misuse (we’ve only found out about it a few months ago). She’s had periods of sobriety, but recently relapsed—again. The children were staying with her 50% and us 50% until a few weeks ago, when they disclosed to my husband that she’d been drinking again, hiding bottles, emotionally offloading on them (especially the eldest boy), and waking them up during the night in distress having hallucinations. They were also told to keep it secret from their dad.

They’re now living with us 100% temporarily, on the advice of children’s services, while support is being arranged for their mum. She was in a recovery programme in the past but stopped attending. She has a partner but he is at the end of his tether and has told the children he will be leaving soon. A family worker is due to be involved in the next few days. Her current drinking is being described by her partner as “maintenance drinking”—she’s consuming shots of vodka throughout the day “to avoid withdrawal”—but she’s not sober, and not currently in formal detox.

When my husband gently asked the children if they felt ready to see their mum (with another adult present), all three said no. One was particularly adamant. We’ve been very careful not to influence their decision either way.

I’m trying to support my husband while managing my own feelings—this whole situation has taken over our home life, and I’m worried about long-term disruption, especially as the children’s mother is still in denial about the emotional harm. I’m also struggling with resentment, guilt, and fear about what comes next. I care deeply about the kids, but I’m exhausted and anxious.

Has anyone been in a similar situation where the children refused contact? What helped? How do you protect your own wellbeing when your home becomes a crisis hub?

If they continue to live with us 100% we won’t be entitled to any state support as I earn too much, so our lifestyle will suffer. I have children of my own I need to think about (both are autistic).

AIBU to feel almost like a victim? My world is crumbling and I have no say. I feel like a passive bystander in someone’s else’s chaos.

Thank you in advance for any thoughts.

I think that's completely unfair. OP has asked for help on how to deal with the situation and is entitled to ask difficult things on an internet forum that she may not be able to voice in real life. She is entitled to think of the effect on her, the relationship and the children they have together. No-one has to be a selfless doormat, and it does no-one any favours if you are, least so the people you are trying to help.

I have learned my lesson. Never marry a man with kids unless they are grown up.

There’s plenty of kids out there living with grandparents because they can’t live with the parents.

Not like most divorced dads. Just the not particularly involved dads, the crap dads, the irresponsible dads, the couldn't give a shit dads.

You realise this makes him sound even worse? And YOU sound even worse for thinking this is ok?

OP - there are strengths and advantages to some aspects of autism, maybe think of them as your "superpower".
One strength is the ability to go into analyst mode when the situation requires. You can bring clear-thinking and objectivity when everyone around you is going into over-emotional mode.

I recommend you go through this whole thread with a pen and paper. Note down all the good ideas and advice, whatever is relevant, and totally ignore all the posts that are not helpful or that are attacking your decisions.

Remember - everyone here is bringing their own history and emotional baggage, so people who are being unhelpful or coming across as nasty are just speaking from their own experience and ideas, which can be totally irrelevant to you. Also, some people here will have no experience of autism, or alcoholism.

Then from your list of notes on paper, start prioritising actions to take. Focus on concrete actions, make a plan A and plan B, not random imaginings of the future that fuel your panic.

Number one on the list is looking after yourself each day. You are no good to anyone else if you go into meltdown.
So - baths, walks, screentime alone in your room - whatever you need. This is the number one priority. Let everyone else know this is what you are doing.

Number two on the list is blocking or limiting their mother's effect on you. Block her on your phone. DH has to shield you from her - tell him this. He has to deal with her, not you, and he is not to emotionally "dump" on you by telling you all about her latest mad text or call at random times of day.
If he needs to talk, agree to give him a strictly limited time each day, e.g. from 7.00 to 7.30, to talk to you about her. Outside of that, you don't want to hear it, and indeed CAN'T listen to it, because of protecting your mental health.

Trust your own strength. You've got this.

I am glad you are seeking help - just having someone not involved to listen will be enormously helpful.

I think you have to work on the assumption the kids are with you full time for the foreseeable future. You shouldn't really be encouraging anything else to be honest - they'd just be unsafe otherwise. And it's a shame that this happened when you weren't expecting it, but it is true that you married a family, not a person without ties. So many other things could have happened that would be even more sudden or surprising and I'd hope he would always be prepared to be a parent instead of an every-other-weekend one.

My friend had 50/50 custody of her kids and then got together with a man who also had 50/50 custody. They live in a 2 bed flat and had alternate weeks with the sets of children. Then her children's' father unfortunately committed suicide and she of course has her kids 100% of the time now. So every other week they now have 4 kids in a 2 bedroom flat. This wasn't at all what her partner thought he was getting involved with and the trauma and disruption was massive for everyone - but they are getting married next week and have pulled together and made things work (they sleep in the living room when his kids are there, not ideal but they've been doing it for years now)

Her partner did struggle to be honest (this was all during lockdown as well so it was a whole bunch of complications) but he was always really clear that his struggle was to figure out the logistics, not the concept of full-time parenting children he was fully aware were already part of his life. So I think if you just take the two things and separate them it might help to focus.

(My daughter and are are autistic 'and' anxious so I do understand you are working on it, just trying to give a specific example of a family who had to work through similar things)

So, DH to apply for child benefit immediately or wait a while? He's worried it will look like he is keeping the kids for money.

I'll look into Alanon. Can anyone confirm whether they take the "alcohol is a disease and the alcoholic is a victim" approach?

Your options are to suck it up or divorce.

I know. I'm going to suck up for as long as my mental health will allow.

He'll probably want them to go back to their mums as soon as she's cleared by social services, so as long as she gets sober you won't have an on-going problem.

She's likely to relapse multiple times? And without warning

I support my own kids, thanks! And we all wouldn't be living in this big house without me, and I paid the whole deposit.

She cheated on him and threw him out. Within a couple of weeks, a new man had moved in.

Seems you're writing some novel with your assumptions?

He's a grown adult. I'm not his keeper.

Late to this but get a CAO now whilst the situation is clear (children want to be with you, she’s drinking) and then apply for the benefits to support you all. The children will thrive with stability as much as you.

If she loses benefits etc that’s not your problem. It’s government money to support the children, not her.

But you think he's a good human being, despite being a crappy, uncaring father who went from EOW dad to 50/50 care FOR FINANCIAL REASONS. Grim, the pair of you.

I would say wait a few weeks, perhaps a few months, if you can afford it.

I see you replying to several posters trying to defend yourself - there is no need. It may not be wise for you to engage if your mental health isn't great. I recommend ignoring them if they are not helpful to you. You do not need to defend yourself or explain yourself to strangers online, especially if they are being nasty or judgemental.

They mainly say that:
"you didn't cause this, you can't control this, you can't cure this". i.e. they support the non-alcoholic to separate themselves emotionally from being tangled up in the alcoholism of the other person.
Even if alcoholism is a disease (open to debate), you can't do anything about it, and it is damaging yourself if you keep trying.

I was the child in this situation.

It’s stressing you out, but imagine how the children feel having witnessed it first hand. Having been forced to live with it. It must be bad for them to reject their own mother.
Alcoholics are manipulative and in my experience don’t change. Those poor children have probably been damaged already. It’s ruined my life being forced to live with one, nobody helped me and I had no alternative but to stay. Your husbands children have an out- let them take it.

No amount of money should be relevant in this situation. I don’t get why that’s the first thing that’s popped into your head. Moneys just money at the end of the day. You agreed to be a blended family, you don’t just disown family members when they need you.

What’s the alternative? Chuck out your husbands children? I imagine that would damage your relationship beyond repair.

And he was happy to see his kids 2 days in 15 while they lived with the alcoholic and the new random man? He’s sounding worse by each new post.

We don’t know she was an alcoholic back then. We genuinely didn’t see this coming.

My DSD's 'mother' was an alcoholic and frankly I am relieved she is dead (from the alcohol). Living with the uncertainty of alcoholics is too much. DSD is obviously a 'full time' DSD and doesn't have to be exposed her bs any longer, sad as the whole thing is.

Alcoholism and parenting are incompatible. You'll need to have the kids full-time. I think it's better to accept that as the certainty.

If you don't want that or can't handle it, you'll need to get divorced.

But he knew he was a father and should be doing 50% of the parenting not 15%?

How old was the mother when she died? How old was DSD?

It sounds horrific and is a real possibility in my situation.

DSD was 5. It happened before DH and I met, but I have heard a lot about the situation from him and from various family members. It was horrific but as DH says, it was worse having to deal with her when she was alive. I am very sorry for DSD but DH already had her living with him full time and there just wasn't any way her mother could have meaningfully... been a mother.

I'm very sorry for your stepkids too. And for you, being in this unexpected and chaotic situation.

She isn’t your problem and it’s not fair if she carries on getting benefits when she no longer has the dc living with her. It’s just more money to fund her alcohol addiction. If they never feel they can return to live with her she’s rattling around on her own in a home that could be housing a homeless family. I’m sure you can only claim for 2 children living in the same house now anyway.