Co-parenting with an alcoholic —children refusing contact. What now?

[NeuroSpicyCat]

Hi everyone, I’m in need of advice or insight from anyone who’s been in a similar situation—either as a co-parent, stepparent, or even adult child of a parent with addiction. For background: I’m autistic.

My husband has three children (11 and two 14-year-olds) with his ex-wife, who has a history of alcohol misuse (we’ve only found out about it a few months ago). She’s had periods of sobriety, but recently relapsed—again. The children were staying with her 50% and us 50% until a few weeks ago, when they disclosed to my husband that she’d been drinking again, hiding bottles, emotionally offloading on them (especially the eldest boy), and waking them up during the night in distress having hallucinations. They were also told to keep it secret from their dad.

They’re now living with us 100% temporarily, on the advice of children’s services, while support is being arranged for their mum. She was in a recovery programme in the past but stopped attending. She has a partner but he is at the end of his tether and has told the children he will be leaving soon. A family worker is due to be involved in the next few days. Her current drinking is being described by her partner as “maintenance drinking”—she’s consuming shots of vodka throughout the day “to avoid withdrawal”—but she’s not sober, and not currently in formal detox.

When my husband gently asked the children if they felt ready to see their mum (with another adult present), all three said no. One was particularly adamant. We’ve been very careful not to influence their decision either way.

I’m trying to support my husband while managing my own feelings—this whole situation has taken over our home life, and I’m worried about long-term disruption, especially as the children’s mother is still in denial about the emotional harm. I’m also struggling with resentment, guilt, and fear about what comes next. I care deeply about the kids, but I’m exhausted and anxious.

Has anyone been in a similar situation where the children refused contact? What helped? How do you protect your own wellbeing when your home becomes a crisis hub?

If they continue to live with us 100% we won’t be entitled to any state support as I earn too much, so our lifestyle will suffer. I have children of my own I need to think about (both are autistic).

AIBU to feel almost like a victim? My world is crumbling and I have no say. I feel like a passive bystander in someone’s else’s chaos.

Thank you in advance for any thoughts.

I sympathise and think you are getting a bit of an unfair stick here.You and DH have been in a happy RL with his DC coming over PT. sudden change ,and suddenly you have 3 traumitised DC to deal with in the future. You say you have a good job .can you get away for a few days somewhere? This clarified things for me .You have a bit of a Hobsons choice here for sure.Many 2nd marriages are hard because of DC and their needs .However you can come through and have a future .Maybe realise not for 6 or 8 months though .More like forever TBH Alcoholics seldom become completely sober

How do you think his children feel having to actively live with an alcoholic?

Their life is many times worse than yours and they have little to no agency in all of this.

Your options are

• you accept that life sucks and you work with your husband to provide loving support to all your children
• you refuse

If you refuse your husband has the option of either taking on full time support of his children. If he doesn’t they either go back to an alcoholic mother who is damaging them or they go into care (and you know how good a father he’d be to any joint children).

Maybe focusing on her own mental health and functionality is how OP puts her children and their needs first. She needs to be able to parent them as best she can. The rest of the world’s children are not her priority.

If you are going to have the children full time and they want no contact, the only way to stop the latter is to block the mother on all means of contact - then, have a phone, with a new number for all contact, this is only to be used for her, check this once a day and then turn it off.

Advise her that the children want no contact and that she is only to contact your husband by the above means, no turning up at the house/school, etc or you will call the police. All conversations are to go through this number and between her and your husband. This will at least shield you and the children from some if not most of the drama.

If its going to be a permanent arrangement you need to get court orders sorted.

And double check with the finances, there could be some sort of help you could get.

Whoa, OP. Stop right there. Your husband married you despite you having two autistic children. Many would regard him as foolish to have done that. Careful that you don't step into entitled and selfish territory.

I would urge you to back away from the 'poor me' position. You have had a man in FT work living with you, helping you to bring up your children. Why should he settle for any less support for his children than you have had from him?

I would advise you to RTFT before commenting. But in a situation where addiction is involved, there's no point in pussyfooting around. I have been nothing but supportive of OP, just not in a softly softly way.

The same would have happened had his ex died, what would you as a family have done then?

Quite frequently, social services will take kids from unfit mothers when the father is not incapable but simply absent. Fathers are not infrequently approached about taking their kids in this situation but make it clear they're not willing to have them for more than an occasional visit and so the kids go into foster care. You can't force fathers to parent. You can't force mothers either, but there's more societal pressure so they generally do unless there's a real issue.

It's always possible that the mother could stop being able to care for the children - through addiction, life circumstances or death. When you become a step mother you take on the possibility of having his children live with you full time. If you didn't do that then you're silly.

I’m autistic and you have my sympathy over the unknown here.

if they were with you 50% before then presumably they had proper places to sleep already?they are old enough you won’t need to sort childcare for them? The additional cost of having them full time would be bills and food. Sit down work out how much this looks to be. If you have them full time ex will owe maintenance although if she’s on benefits and not working this will be like £7 a week but use the child maintenance calculator to check.

if you have equality in your home then your partner should already be doing half the housework and cooking. If you are in fact responsible for all this and worried about the increase then your partner needs to step up and do his share.

completely different situation for me but my kids live with me full time and my partner want their dad. All was good until my disabled child lost his school place and I had to stop work. Like your situation my partners income meant we were intitled to no help. We muddled on for a few months but my partner was definitely resentful of the financial burden he had to shoulder. And while I don’t think the state should support when a family jointly has enough money it caused a lot of tension my children’s other parent refused to shoulder the burden and it was left to their step parent. Ultimately it broke my relationship and we split. I now get UC and have a much smaller house to clean so I’m happier with that. The resentment around money it hard to deal with. You need to either accept it or make it clear you won’t shoulder it, it’s not ok to moan about it for months as your partner literally cannot change his situation unless he gets a second job and leave you watching the kids alone in the evenings.

you can split and still have a relationship. I’m not really with my ex but we share a child and are on good terms now the financial problems are moot. He pays me more maintenance that he owes because he knows my other kids dad pays pennies and if he doesn’t pay then his own child lives in poverty too. He takes the kids who are not his out as he loves them and sees himself as their stepdad still. I invite him if we are having a bbq or whatever. I don’t think I can get over his overt resentment of me when I became a carer so a romantic relationship won’t happen for us but Personally being autistic with autistic kids and ex having kids from a previous marriage I’d be much happier with the separate house situation as it’s much calmer and run autistic acomadating not to suit the NT stepdad and children.

if you can get over the financial stuff and want to stay together then I have advice on how to cope with such a busy house. Very firm rules about them playing music and doing their share of cleaning up. Kids not allowed in your room. Get an armchair in your room and a tv so you have a safe quiet space to retreat to. Have one weekend day or a couple evenings a week where your partner takes his kids out so you can have a quiet house. Then make sure you have an evening a week or a weekend day you all come together and have quality time as a family. Are they grandparents? Perhaps ask them to have a weekend a month or have the step kids while you take your on holiday (only if other grandparents will accommodate this he other way round too!). Make sure you get couples time without any kids.

ultimately at the heart of this are your kids with additional needs and his kids with trauma. Yes it’s horrible for you living in chaos and not knowing what’s happening but they will be feeling the same. You need to take some time to process your new situation and then make a decision on if you can live with it or have to split because your partner needs to be focused on his children not worried about if his marriage is breaking down too

to clarify OP. Is your husband the father of your children?

how old are your children OP?

Oh also who’s house do you live in? If you do split while you have social services involved this will help him get housed if he needs to rely on social housing

100%

I'm sorry that OP is feeling stressed right now about the situation, but she married a man who is a dad with parental responsibility for his children. She should get that as a mum with parental responsibility for her own children. His need him as much as hers need her.

Are your two children also your DH’s? If so it would probably be very upsetting to split and move out. If he is not their father and you genuinely don’t think you can deal with this situation and your children are also going to suffer then perhaps take some time out and stay elsewhere for a bit to gather your thoughts. Your DH’s kids really need him now and if you don’t think you can deal with that then you need to remove yourself until you are in a position to do so (or not as the case may be).

What a tough situation, OP. Al-Anon is for anybody affected by another’s drinking and could be a supportive place for you and your husband to meet others in similar situations and to understand your options. The kids would likely benefit from joining Alateen.
Alcoholism is a dreadful, powerful, cunning and baffling disease and there are no simple answers. Sticking with just the day ahead - what you can do now - and not getting lost in future fears, helps me feel a little more in control.

Or, and this is even worse, the father takes the child/ren but is completely unsuited to parent and throws in the towel when it gets hard and the children end up in foster care anyway. Fathering often really is the bare minimum in this country, sadly.

This is really unfair. OP says they had no knowledge of this until a few months ago.

This doesn't wash I'm afraid, if her husbands ex died, the children would be coming to live with them.. there is ALWAYS that possibility when you marry someone with children from a previous relationship.

She chose to get together with a Disney dad, so saying she feels like a victim is pretty disgusting to be honest, I have sympathy for their situation, but that is where she lost me. Children aren't an inconvenience, they don't ask to be born, they deserve parents who love and care for them and when one is unfit the other has a duty to step in, everyone entering into this co parenting relationship is a willing participant of that, so nothing about this situation makes OP a 'victim'.

I bet this is the way he talks about his ex, he is a victim of her, what’s she going to do next etc and you have picked up on this?

They are his kids too and he has just as much responsibility towards them as she does.

If you are both stuck on the narrative that his ex is the bad guy, she has all the power, you’re both victims, you are going to get nowhere.

For all intents and purposes, none of that matters. What’s relevant is his ex is incapable of parenting at that point of alcoholism, it’s impossible to know whether she will recover or how long it will take and her children cannot be around her currently. Their relationship with her may be damaged to the extent where they will never trust her again.

Read up about alcoholism. She is getting the DTs (delirium tremens) when she tries to stop by the sound of it. This is very very serious. It has to be medically managed so she can no longer stop drinking without medical assistance. You both are in denial if you are thinking what will she do next - she can’t have the kids and she shouldn’t have the kids.

They could absolutely end up in foster care/ care if your husband won’t have them full time as would happen if she was seriously physically ill or had an accident or a mh crisis, all things which were always a possibility.

If you can’t cope you may need to split up.

Would you rather see his kids in care than living with you full time?

I am an autistic mum. I understand your feelings of overwhelm and uncertainty.

Sadly given your husband has kids this was always a possibility. Mum could have fallen ill, had an accident, the kids just prefer it at yours, etc. there's always a chance kids will end up living full time with the other parent.

I'm curious when and why it went from every other weekend to 50/50?? Was it when you moved in together or for some other reason?

Regardless the kids are with you for now. I'd just see that as the status quo for the time being and try not to think too far ahead.

Are your kids also your husbands? Or just yours?

In the more immediate future I'd have a chat both with husband and also a family chat about how things will work. Any house rules (eg we don't go in each other's bedrooms for example, giving you all some quiet personal space to retreat to if needed).

I'd chat with husband about the "wife work" of the kids being with you full time.

He will now need to manage their school runs, extra activities, play dates with friends, school admin, medical appointments, keeping their warbrobes stocked and stuff fitting them, etc do NOT let it all fall to you by default!

Will mum need to pay child maintenance if they are with you full time?? This may help your households finances if so.

“make it clear they're not willing to have them for more than an occasional visit”

this really happens?

This

Try and think what you will know by 8 months.

That will mean you have worked out sleeping arrangements, paperwork for govt support/ benefits in place, you would have started a new school year, you would have handled multiple school holidays, multiple school report cards, rebooked on after school clubs, possibly birthdays (of at least some in the household), Christmas.....

So, my mindset for 8 months, is it you can handle the above, and make small adjustments on the way, longer term won't seem so daunting. It will equip you to make a better decision about what is right for all- cause you would know and have experienced it. But also you would have worked with DP to steer the family into calmer waters.

Edited: you means DP and you...not just you!!!

@NeuroSpicyCat is DH the father of your DC?

Are you questioning whether this happens or whether it might be a possibility for your situation?

I think if what you want is control, you and your DH need to get hard behind the idea that the best thing for his kids is to live with you permanently, and work to make that the long term concrete reality. I know it is not what you want; your ideal outcome os thtat they go back to their mother full time and see your DH 2 days in 14. But as adults, we have to put aside what's best for us in favour of what's best for vulnerable kids. Their mother's failure to do so puts the onus on their dad (and by proxy, you, his wife) to do that.

Yes their mother may recover, but then again she may relapse - addicts do. If they go back to live with her substantially, the kids will always be on eggshells hoping something doesn't set her off, parentify themselves to keep her on an even keel, and potentially suffer further neglect and abuse. Their father can't allow that to happen to them just because it's more convenient for his new wife and her children (who I assume are not his).

So rather than waiting on tenterhooks to see what the ex-wife will do next, he should take the lead in applying for sole custody and having the benefits transferred to him, apply for maintenance, and if she tries to insist on contact push for that to be in a supervised setting and try to advocate for the children who (quite reasonably) do not want to see her at the moment.

You can take control either by getting behind him and supporting this or tapping out - separate and create a stable environment for your own children, as he must do for his. If he is a halfway decent dad you will not get the outcome you want (for the children to disappear back to their alkie mum's). And if he is a shit dad who'd happily pack his kids back off to such an unstable environment, why on earth would you want him round your own vulnerable kids?