Co-parenting with an alcoholic —children refusing contact. What now?

[NeuroSpicyCat]

Hi everyone, I’m in need of advice or insight from anyone who’s been in a similar situation—either as a co-parent, stepparent, or even adult child of a parent with addiction. For background: I’m autistic.

My husband has three children (11 and two 14-year-olds) with his ex-wife, who has a history of alcohol misuse (we’ve only found out about it a few months ago). She’s had periods of sobriety, but recently relapsed—again. The children were staying with her 50% and us 50% until a few weeks ago, when they disclosed to my husband that she’d been drinking again, hiding bottles, emotionally offloading on them (especially the eldest boy), and waking them up during the night in distress having hallucinations. They were also told to keep it secret from their dad.

They’re now living with us 100% temporarily, on the advice of children’s services, while support is being arranged for their mum. She was in a recovery programme in the past but stopped attending. She has a partner but he is at the end of his tether and has told the children he will be leaving soon. A family worker is due to be involved in the next few days. Her current drinking is being described by her partner as “maintenance drinking”—she’s consuming shots of vodka throughout the day “to avoid withdrawal”—but she’s not sober, and not currently in formal detox.

When my husband gently asked the children if they felt ready to see their mum (with another adult present), all three said no. One was particularly adamant. We’ve been very careful not to influence their decision either way.

I’m trying to support my husband while managing my own feelings—this whole situation has taken over our home life, and I’m worried about long-term disruption, especially as the children’s mother is still in denial about the emotional harm. I’m also struggling with resentment, guilt, and fear about what comes next. I care deeply about the kids, but I’m exhausted and anxious.

Has anyone been in a similar situation where the children refused contact? What helped? How do you protect your own wellbeing when your home becomes a crisis hub?

If they continue to live with us 100% we won’t be entitled to any state support as I earn too much, so our lifestyle will suffer. I have children of my own I need to think about (both are autistic).

AIBU to feel almost like a victim? My world is crumbling and I have no say. I feel like a passive bystander in someone’s else’s chaos.

Thank you in advance for any thoughts.

This uncertainty and stress must be so horrible for you - imagine how awful it's been for the kids who have much less agency and power in these situations. Which doesn't negate the stress on you - it's horrible all round.

It sounds like creating some certainty and routine for as much as you can, as long as you can, will help everyone. The kids don't want to be away from their mum forever but it'll likely be a while, so I would advise trying to find a 'new normal', whatever that looks like, including how to make space for what you need (eg finding literal space when the house is more full). The counselling will be really helpful here so that's a great start.

It may also be worth looking into resources such as Al-Anon UK which may be helpful in coping with the ex's behaviour & giving some background. It may also offer routes to support for your stepkids or resources your husband might talk about with them.

No one is honour bound to raise someone else’s children. It would not be at all selfish for OP to prioritise her own two autistic dc and leave.

My autism has definitely flared up in response to this situation. It’s in full on analyst mode.

To be quite honest: leave. It is abundantly clear you don’t want his children there. Children should have a home wherever their parent is. At any time, never mind in this situation. What would happen to your children if you were some way incapacitated? What would you want for them? Is it someone who feels the way you do? I wouldn’t have thought so.

It’s also likely there’s a difficult road ahead for the children for a whole raft of reasons. And 8 months is nothing in the grand scheme of recovery. If you’re not prepared for your husband’s children to live with him for as long as you see yours living with you then leave. You’re only kicking the can down the road and sadly for you all, it will most likely get worse before it gets better.

You’re a high earner so you’ll be fine financially and actually you are the one with the most agency in this situation. You can leave the crisis centre. The children are living with it forever. And for the forseeable future, their dad has to live it with them.

That's totally understandable. It threw me for a loop when my husband went off the rails, and I'm not ND.

By the way, there is nothing wrong with stepping back. If your plate is full, then it is full. You already have two ND children who need you and a full time job.

Your dh children are ultimately his responsibility. Extend hand and love if you can. If you can't, don't make things worse for everyone and let it go. Get advice from social services on how to separate right now. To cause the least amount of damage. You don't need to take action right now. Just collect information.

'Aut' literally means self, doesn't it?
Autistic people struggle to see outside of their frame of reference. Can most definitely overlap with selfish.

you are suffering now from having made the gendered assumption that your DH would essentially be "excused" from most day-to-day parenting.

I really did. It was a huge mistake.

its put me off single fathers for life.

OP, is your husband doing all the care for his kids (cooking, washing clothes, lifts, shopping etc )?

What often happens is the step-mum gets lumbered with it all. And people are quick to shout ‘well, you know what you were getting into when you married him’, but less quick to check he is raising his own kids.

Does he only deal with your kids eow?

The alternative is foster care

Does that really happen in this situation? I thought both parents had to be dead/incapable?

Wrong thread?

So you'd rather the kids go live with a piss head so you can have fun? Don't get with someone with kids if you don't want to be a parent his kids will always come first and that's how it should be

This is really unfair. OP says they had no knowledge of this until a few months ago. Yes, the kids come first but OP is allowed to have her own misgivings and to consider the effects on her own kids who have additional needs. She posted asking for advice and there are some really unpleasant replies here. MN never fails to put the boot in with step parents.

Equally OP’s kids must come first, so she needs to do what’s best for them.

It’s a tough one. To be cold about it:
The step children are ultimately his responsibility. Yours are your responsibility.

Finances will be tougher for both of you if you split up. It’s so much cheaper to live as a couple with children. You might be worse off financially anyway if you leave with your children.

How much parenting are you expected to do for his children? That would sway my decision making.

I am with you though. I wouldn’t want a man with children. Either I have to take them on and subject my own to upheaval OR he doesn’t have much to do with them so he’s a shit person! I wouldn’t expect a man to take on my children either.

So you’re allowed to live with your kids full time but he isn’t? Sounds like splitting up is defo the best option, they’re not going back to every other weekend kids.

Er, why are you telling OP to do all that? It’s the father’s responsibility.

So many people just assume the woman will become default parent.

No directly comparable experience, but I would say from experience of a number of alcoholics/ alcohol dependent people I've known that even if things improve temporarily they are likely to fall to pieces down the line.

I think you need to plan on the basis that you and your husband are likely to be more or less 100% responsible for the children from now on, with all the financial hits and complications that involves. So work on that basis. I would take my focus off of her and concentrate on the children. You have no control over her: no point in trying to predict or preempt her behaviour. Focus on making the children as secure as possible.

Sadly you are right about the risks of marrying a man with children. But he took a risk on you with your children, too. Worth remembering.

Indeed I think she should leave. She is clearly not the person to help these children navigate this situation. these children are probably traumatised and now living with a women who happily married a man who only saw his children the bare minimum but could help raise her children full time. Baring in mind that the mothers alcoholism isn't a new thing. and yet they still only saw the father 2 days out of 14 and see was content with that because it suited her and her children with little regard ford for anyone else.

Where did OP say this ?

And he's learned his: never marry a woman with children who clearly feels her children's needs trump his children's needs instead of wanting the best for all of the involved CHILDREN.

A lot of this situation is out of your control and your home life, your safe space where you feel in control, has become altered perhaps irreversibly. You can’t control your SC’s mother in this situation. You can’t control your partner. So these are your choices:

1. Work with your partner, support him and find a way to make home life manageable for you all.
2. Make plans to remove you and your kids from the situation into a home life that is more under your control.

What is best for your kids? What is going to be the best situation and environment for them to thrive?