Co-parenting with an alcoholic —children refusing contact. What now?

[NeuroSpicyCat]

Hi everyone, I’m in need of advice or insight from anyone who’s been in a similar situation—either as a co-parent, stepparent, or even adult child of a parent with addiction. For background: I’m autistic.

My husband has three children (11 and two 14-year-olds) with his ex-wife, who has a history of alcohol misuse (we’ve only found out about it a few months ago). She’s had periods of sobriety, but recently relapsed—again. The children were staying with her 50% and us 50% until a few weeks ago, when they disclosed to my husband that she’d been drinking again, hiding bottles, emotionally offloading on them (especially the eldest boy), and waking them up during the night in distress having hallucinations. They were also told to keep it secret from their dad.

They’re now living with us 100% temporarily, on the advice of children’s services, while support is being arranged for their mum. She was in a recovery programme in the past but stopped attending. She has a partner but he is at the end of his tether and has told the children he will be leaving soon. A family worker is due to be involved in the next few days. Her current drinking is being described by her partner as “maintenance drinking”—she’s consuming shots of vodka throughout the day “to avoid withdrawal”—but she’s not sober, and not currently in formal detox.

When my husband gently asked the children if they felt ready to see their mum (with another adult present), all three said no. One was particularly adamant. We’ve been very careful not to influence their decision either way.

I’m trying to support my husband while managing my own feelings—this whole situation has taken over our home life, and I’m worried about long-term disruption, especially as the children’s mother is still in denial about the emotional harm. I’m also struggling with resentment, guilt, and fear about what comes next. I care deeply about the kids, but I’m exhausted and anxious.

Has anyone been in a similar situation where the children refused contact? What helped? How do you protect your own wellbeing when your home becomes a crisis hub?

If they continue to live with us 100% we won’t be entitled to any state support as I earn too much, so our lifestyle will suffer. I have children of my own I need to think about (both are autistic).

AIBU to feel almost like a victim? My world is crumbling and I have no say. I feel like a passive bystander in someone’s else’s chaos.

Thank you in advance for any thoughts.

I voted YANBU as your feelings are not unreasonable, but you need to accept his kids live with you ft, or leave as graciously as possible.

OP, you need to be mentally prepared for the likelihood that your husband's children will join your family on a permanent basis. Their mum's addiction sounds very, very serious. Recovery stats are not encouraging. Plan for long term to permanent in order to give everyone stability. My husband died from his addiction. We have had the same happen to family members of people in my group. Best to prepare for the worst.

You need to put these kids first - think about what they’re going through. Make whatever adjustments you need to make re schedules, sleeping accommodation etc but they come first.

I won't lie, I'd find that so stressful too. It's the uncertainty of it all and the drama from the ex. I'd hate it. Sounds like they're much safer with you both. Hopefully their mum dries out and attends counselling. Perhaps if she's successful, the children might be returned to her next year? If not, they'll be in your husband's care permanently I'd imagine. Do all the children get on well? If they do, I imagine it will be an easier transition for everyone.

The kids don't want to see her so just stop contact and concentrate on the well being of your whole household in a sustainable way.

I don’t think they mean permanently not wanting to see her.

I would not be too sure, especially with the older 2. And they will all need counselling too.

Thank you. That’s a very helpful post.

im organising some counselling for myself to help me through this.

I personally like the upthread suggestion. Try and attempt to have them living with you for example for 8 months.

Afterwards, decide if two separate household would work better. Or is it possible to extend all of you living together. Your dh running a separate household for just for him and his kids might be better for them. Giving them extra time together to bond.

I’d rather just split than live apart. I want to live with my spouse when I’m married. That’s why I got married.

living apart might work for others but it’s not for me.

I believe your autism is a bit in control here, you're hyper focusing on the problem. It is an easy trap to fall in to. You still have control, take the ex out of the equation, until she is sober for substantial time the children will be with you 100 percent of the time, you will fall in to a nice routine and things will feel more stable again.

You have got this, I promise

Counselling is a great idea, for yourself alone, and maybe family. BUT please make sure you go to one specialising in autism, how we see the world can be vastly different and the counsellor must take that in to account.

I don’t know where to start here.

My Mum is an alcoholic and has been most of my life. My parents divorced when I was very young.

My Dad was an every other weekend Dad. Even when he knew my Mum was an alcoholic. I would cry down the phone to him telling him what was going on. Nothing changed. He carried on being an every other weekend Dad.

Living with an alcoholic mother was absolutely fucking horrendous and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.

It sounds like you are hoping they will go back to their mother soon but I absolutely hope to god that they won’t. Alcoholism is merciless. Those children are vulnerable in her care and your husband, their Dad, can provide the stability and protection that an alcoholic parent cannot.

I am sorry you feel physically ill due to the “chaos” but I’m afraid those poor innocent children come first. Let your husband do what he needs to do and if you can’t cope with that then you leave I’m afraid.

Surely you realised this could happen, what if the other parent died etc?

I think you need to be working through this with a counsellor and not Mumsnet imo.

I grew up with an alcoholic parent. I'm going to be blunt.

Your husband's kids are refusing to go to their mom's because they've likely been traumatized over and over and over until they can't go there. They are going to need their dad's support and therapy. Their needs (safety and security) need to be prioritized over your wishes. This could last for years.

What do you want him to do?

I actually don’t think giving a timeframe is helpful for you as you could become fixed on that and are already asking, what happens in 8 months.

No-one knows and this is something you can’t control which I know feels very destabilising for you and I do sympathise.

Mum could get sober, the kids feel able to go back to shared care and she could then relapse again. I think I’d try and think of it as the new normal and then work out whether it’s something you can live with. It’s ok for this to feel overwhelming and it’s ok to worry about the impact on your kids but that’s for you to work out rather than change the situation for his kids.

my DP’s ex wife is a chronic alcoholic & we have his youngest live with us full time & when the eldest is back from uni we have her with us full time too. They see their mother every few weeks if she is ok (not too drunk to be passed out or create an atmosphere) but only for dinner for a few hrs. Very rarely is it overnight. Like you we had social services involved especially cos the youngest kept trying to go back to 50/50 against their advice but under pressure from their mum. We don’t get any time together alone but life is calmer with them here 100% and not suffering under their mother’s influence or outbursts. This was always a possibility & I think you need to think of the kids.

It's tough for you. You have split responsibilities here. His first responsibility is to his children, and you should and I'm sure did realise that when you chose to marry him. Your first responsibility is to your children. That's assuming you don't share children, to whom you have a joint responsibility. I have a lot of sympathy for your situation as the fundamentals have changed. Normally, it is women who get on and do the bulk of the parenting when relationships break down, and you are suffering now from having made the gendered assumption that your DH would essentially be "excused" from most day-to-day parenting. Some people on here will condemn you and say that was unreasonable, but you've been unlucky here. As a general rule, fathers only really have to step up when mothers fail, and most mothers don't fail.

She isn’t selfish! She is autistic and struggling with the uncertainty this situation is bringing. She’s overwhelmed and in need of support not stupid vicious comments like these. If you don’t have any advice to give that’s fine but don’t attack her

Can you get any therapy to help you through this? It sounds like a very distressing and overwhelming situation

Legally the children are considered old enough to decide how much contact they have with each parent.

It is completely understandable that the children have said no - if they had said yes, there would be a host of other worries that their dad would have like how long until they are let down again.

What I assume the services and your h will do is ask the children periodically if they want to see mum because they might change their mind but living with their dad full time is obviously the safest place for them.

Yanbu to be shocked at the chaos and changes to your life but the kids need a reliable parent and it needs to be their dad. The alternative is foster care and I think it would be unreasonable to do that to kids who have gone through so much. It’s up to you what you do but it’s very possible that the kids never see their mum again.

What do you both need to do to accomadate having step children living with you all full time?
Do you need a bigger house? Extend the house?
I would be thinking kids will be living with us full time and how do we move forward with that.
Hopefully you have the ex blocked and your husband deals with the contact

Most addicts don’t “get better “ and you can’t live your life banking on someone else helping you by changing their life. You need to assume that she won’t change and what is best for you and your kids.

I have very little sympathy for these posters who marry a man with children and who then end up having to have the children permanently living with them.

The reality is that when a woman marries a man and believes that the children only have to come every other weekend they’re not actually accepting that the an has children, they’re tolerating the fact. When actually you need to go into a marriage with children on the understanding that those children could come to live there permanently, at any time.

How often does your ex have to put up with your children living there? Would you have been happy if he wanted them to only live there every other weekend? And if not, why not?

This is why stepmothers get such a hard time on here.

Invariably men who get together with a woman with kids have to accept from the outset that those kids will spend the majority of their time there. And anything beyond that acceptance simply wouldn’t be tolerated.

But with women who marry men with kids it seems to be the other way around, and that they can expect to only have to have the kids every other weekend, and anything more than that and they’re claiming victim status.

None of this is about you. When you married him you made a choice to be a full-timestepmother to his children. Not a conscious choice perhaps, but you go in knowing full well that that could be the case. And if you didn’t think about that then that’s on you.

The only victims here are the children.

Are your two kids solely yours or shared with DH?

If they’re just yours, I’d be making plans to leave.

You need to worry about your own kids, especially as they’re ND.

How is addition of 3 full time new residents affecting them?

I don’t understand why you wouldn’t consider a relationship where you don’t live together. Surely you have experienced this in the past?

I agree with PP. Anyone who marries someone with children should be prepared for those children to live with them full time. If you can’t, and I don’t blame you at all if that’s your decision, then you have to live separately. Your preference would be to completely split up.

Your own DC need to be your priority here.