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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To make DS go on a scouts trip so DH and I can have a weekend to ourselves

234 replies

JambonetFromage · 16/04/2025 07:12

It’s finally happened! 8 years of parenting with no family help and both our DC have been invited to away overnight at the same time on respective cubs/scouts trips. Giving DH and I the glorious prospect of a child-free weekend.

But DS 8 doesn’t want go. He is scared of spending the night away - he is been on a previous camp and been scared at night time and didn’t sleep well.

The scouts group he is with is brilliant and organises the most fantastic trips with loads of activities. Going on camps are really the whole point of scouting. So I’m really keen for DS to attend for his own benefit, because I think he will get a lot out of it.

But I would also really really like a weekend with DH!

Would I be unreasonable to talk DS into going on the trip?

OP posts:
Emmz1510 · 16/04/2025 14:20

Of course you should try to encourage him, and it’s perfectly natural to crave child free time, but he is only 8 and I think that’s very young still for camp. Not that they shouldn’t go if they are happy with it, but DS clearly isn’t and I think that’s probably pretty normal for his age.
As others have said, can you ask him what specifically he is afraid of and try to address that or come up with strategies to manage his fears? If it’s the separation maybe he could FaceTime before he goes to sleep? Does he have a particular friend there that he could buddy up with? Do scout leaders maybe have ideas for settling anxious kids?
Ultimately if he really doesn’t want to go he doesn’t want to go. At least you’ll have only one child for the weekend! I know it’s not the same but by age 8, even though you can’t go out obviously, they aren’t as full on and needing as much direct input all the time as younger kids (not sure if your other dc is older or younger) and will be in bed reasonably early, allowing you to watch a movie, get takeaway or do…..whatever….

rosemarble · 16/04/2025 14:33

New user (or username), one post, not been back.

Velmy · 16/04/2025 14:46

TheNightingalesStarling · 16/04/2025 12:03

I've been a Cub leader for coming up to 9 years now.

There are always children who don't want to come on camp. Some its homesickness. Some don't like camping. Some aren't ready. Some the parents aren't ready.

Its perfectly OK for an 8yo to not want to be out "adventuring".

Show quote history

How are the kids supposed to find out whether or not they like it if they wont try it?

godmum56 · 16/04/2025 14:50

Velmy · 16/04/2025 14:46

How are the kids supposed to find out whether or not they like it if they wont try it?

Show quote history
  1. Forcing them is NEVER a good beginning.
  2. Forcing them because you want a night off is poor parenting.
  3. He HAS tried it and didn't like it, doesn't want to go again.
Frozenpeace · 16/04/2025 15:01

Velmy · 16/04/2025 14:46

How are the kids supposed to find out whether or not they like it if they wont try it?

Show quote history

Did you not read the op? He has tried it and he didn't like it

SereneLion · 16/04/2025 15:06

There is no harm in encouraging but as an ex Guide leader my heart sank reading your post. The scout leaders are all volunteers giving up their time and it is in my opinion incredibly selfish of you to try to force a child to do something he really is not happy about just so you and your husband can be together. I've been there with a very upset homesick child who can't go home because both parents have, by their own admission had too much to drink to be legal to drive. The leaders will have to spend a disproportionate amount of time looking out for your child to the detriment of all the other children. No wonder Guiding/scouting /cadets etc are finding it hard to recruit leaders.

Bunnybear42 · 16/04/2025 15:21

Too young if he has expressed he doesn’t want to. I used to hate sleepovers at primary school. If you force him to go now you may find he will become fearful of future school trips unnecessarily. Camping also can be a bit more scary overnight than say a school trip.

tinyspiny · 16/04/2025 15:26

YABU , he is 8 which is still very little and he’s tried it before and didn’t enjoy it . It is not your childs fault that you have no family support for babysitting

Hellohelga · 16/04/2025 15:32

Chungai · 16/04/2025 09:08

How exactly do you arrange a sleepover at someone else's house?

Surely you have to wait for an invite?

Show quote history

You invite a DC friend for a sleepover then wait for an invite back. Do often with both children with a range of friends. Reciprocal invitations will flood in. Then coordinate - oh little Jeremy/Florence isn’t free that weekend, can you do the following one? If you are friends with your DC parents you can also coordinate sleepovers so they get a night off another time. I used to host a lot of sleepovers, can you tell?

Han86 · 16/04/2025 16:09

Velmy · 16/04/2025 11:56

It's a dumb word but the point still stands.

I'd be massively worried about a kid that age not wanting to go adventuring or camping out.

Assuming there are no health issues in play, you can't give kids that age the soft option all the time.

Generations of kids survived going camping before mobile phones were around to call mummy and daddy for a pick up. I'm sure OPs kid will manage one weekend; hopefully it'll do them some good.

Show quote history

Do you often do things other people want you to do but you don't want to?

Riaanna · 16/04/2025 16:15

LlynTegid · 16/04/2025 07:14

You should try to get him to go, for his sake not yours. You'll end up with a 'snowflake' if he can opt out of things that are a bit difficult.

Don’t be ridiculous.

Hufflemuff · 16/04/2025 16:21
Will Smith GIF

So will you be going for an Indian or an Italian on your date night?

Tiswa · 16/04/2025 16:35

Velmy · 16/04/2025 14:46

How are the kids supposed to find out whether or not they like it if they wont try it?

Show quote history

He did try it he didn’t like it.

it is fine in life to have preferences as to what you want to and don’t want do in terms of optional things

cub/scouts is optional and within that camp is even more optional!

but even so growing up is actually knowing in advance what you do and don’t like based on previous experiences. I bet you can think of a number of things you would turn down because of past experiences and things you would say yes to without thinking. And that list wouldn’t be the same as anyone else’s

SereneLion · 16/04/2025 16:42

Velmy · 16/04/2025 14:46

How are the kids supposed to find out whether or not they like it if they wont try it?

Show quote history

Please read the OP. The child has tried it and did not like it. There is no good reason to force him to try again so soon just so the parents can have a kid free weekend.

SaladSandwichesForTea · 16/04/2025 16:48

Unless the last trip that he didnt like was only last weekend, I'd send him because he needs to learn the importance of trying again and building confidence. He might love it this time.

Explain it positively as a chance to be a part of the team and that everyone there wants to make it fun.

Cosycover · 16/04/2025 16:50

No I would never force my child in this situation. You had children which means you come second. Simple as that.

NameChange30 · 16/04/2025 17:15

My DS turned 8 recently and goes to Beavers (due to move up to Cubs now). He'd only just started when they did their first camp and I was surprised but he really wanted to do it. (His friends were going which helped!) So I let him go but barely slept for worrying about him. When I collected him, he was tired and upset and said he'd been scared and homesick. He said that he didn't want to do another camp or sleepover. Recently there was another sleepover opportunity and initially he was adamant that he didn't want to go, but with the right support and encouragement - but not pressure - he did go, and it was a success. What helped my DS massively was talking to the group leader (who is wonderful) - I explained to her that he'd been scared and upset last time, and was anxious this time. She talked to him about it at the beavers sessions in the run up to the sleepover, and gave me some helpful tips (writing down his worries - he and I wrote a list and discussed them all, which was helpful, and then we wrote a list of things he was looking forward to). Crucially, I didn't insist at all and if he'd said he didn't want to go, I wouldn't have forced him. In the end, he had a great time and said he couldn't wait until the next one.

The leader did tell me that the first night away is usually the hardest for them and it gets easier after that.

I don't know if any of that will be helpful - hope so.

Iloveshoes123 · 16/04/2025 17:26

But DS 8 doesn’t want go. He is scared of spending the night away - he is been on a previous camp and been scared at night time and didn’t sleep well.

I think you are being unreasonable based on this, poor kid. I know they have to build resilience and get used to things but he is only 8.
And I say that as someone who has no family and no help with my kids so I can understand wanting a night off but I personally wouldn't talk my child into it in these circumstances.

Iloveshoes123 · 16/04/2025 17:28

LlynTegid · 16/04/2025 07:14

You should try to get him to go, for his sake not yours. You'll end up with a 'snowflake' if he can opt out of things that are a bit difficult.

FFS he is 8, he's not a snowflake because he doesn't want to go any stay somewhere overnight, he's a child!

Original poster
JambonetFromage · 16/04/2025 17:48

rosemarble · 16/04/2025 14:33

New user (or username), one post, not been back.

I’m back - sorry, out all day and I’ve just switched usernames due to previous posts being identifying.

OP posts:
SereneLion · 16/04/2025 17:55

JambonetFromage · 16/04/2025 17:48

I’m back - sorry, out all day and I’ve just switched usernames due to previous posts being identifying.

Show quote history

You do realise that the Scout leaders are all volunteers giving up their time and energy for the kids? Also camping isn't all there is to scouting either. I think you need to be very careful you do not come across as a parent who just wants to have fun regardless of the problems probably have to be dealt with by the leaders.

Original poster
JambonetFromage · 16/04/2025 17:55

Just had a chat with DS about it - I’d actually assumed he would say no as the last camp he was absolutely adamant he didn’t want to go, and his nighttime anxiety hasnt improved any in the meantime. But much to my surprise he is really excited about it!

i’ve booked DH and I into a nearby hotel (refundable in case he has a wobble and banged his mind) - if all goes to plan we get a child-free night away, if not we’re close by to rescue him.

OP posts:
pompey38 · 16/04/2025 17:56

Sometimeswinning · 16/04/2025 07:20

He’s 8. I wouldn’t send my 9 year old if she was scared/worried. I would however, spend time convincing her to push herself to go.

If an 8-9 yrs old doesn’t want to spend a night having fun with their friends, they’ve got a problem

SereneLion · 16/04/2025 17:59

pompey38 · 16/04/2025 17:56

If an 8-9 yrs old doesn’t want to spend a night having fun with their friends, they’ve got a problem

Show quote history

If its cold, wet and windy it won't matter how much they love having fun with their friends during the day, they might well prefer to be tucked up in their own bed at home. 20 years of Guiding taught me that bed time can be the breaking point.

Original poster
JambonetFromage · 16/04/2025 18:02

SereneLion · 16/04/2025 17:55

You do realise that the Scout leaders are all volunteers giving up their time and energy for the kids? Also camping isn't all there is to scouting either. I think you need to be very careful you do not come across as a parent who just wants to have fun regardless of the problems probably have to be dealt with by the leaders.

Show quote history

Yes of course and we are always very grateful for everything they do! I volunteer myself when they need extra parent support and we send Christmas gifts to the group leaders.

Our group really encourages attendance at camps and emphasises they are used to dealing with homesickness etc and don’t want this to be a barrier to attendence. So I’m not overly worried I am imposing on them.

OP posts: