To make DS go on a scouts trip so DH and I can have a weekend to ourselves

[JambonetFromage]

It’s finally happened! 8 years of parenting with no family help and both our DC have been invited to away overnight at the same time on respective cubs/scouts trips. Giving DH and I the glorious prospect of a child-free weekend.

But DS 8 doesn’t want go. He is scared of spending the night away - he is been on a previous camp and been scared at night time and didn’t sleep well.

The scouts group he is with is brilliant and organises the most fantastic trips with loads of activities. Going on camps are really the whole point of scouting. So I’m really keen for DS to attend for his own benefit, because I think he will get a lot out of it.

But I would also really really like a weekend with DH!

Would I be unreasonable to talk DS into going on the trip?

I have been in the exact same position. I have 3 kids, zero help/childcare and never had a night with hubby. All 3 joined and were nervous about sleeping away from home as they never had.
youngest was in beavers and most worried. I explained that I wouldn’t let them be with adults I didn’t trust to look after them like I would. Just like I trust their teachers to keep them safe at school I trust the leaders. I also asked them to try and said they had all the friends there aswell who would be feeling the same.
we had a conversation with the leaders at drop off to explain everything who were amazing and made youngest feel at ease. Also said quietly if they don’t settle just ring I will happily come back. Didn’t need to worry kids were so busy having fun tired themselves out and have never looked back.

Personally I wouldn’t talk him into going if he’s scared. He’s still very young and his anxiety will build in the days leading up to the trip. Could he stay with a relative for the one night?

I am too and would ask about the day option. We offer this in my unit for more unsure ones. Gives them a taster of camp with less pressure.

Speaking as a Cub leader, please don’t force your child to go if they don’t want to. It’s very hard on everyone having a child who doesn’t want to be at camp and it’s not fair to the child. It maybe that he will want to stay next time if you don’t push him this time. It’s hard not having quality time together as a couple but it doesn’t last forever. Perhaps you could consider him going just for the day and at least you and your husband could spend a nice day together. You never know, your child may decide they do want to stay over.

If he was older I’d be saying absolutely encourage him to go. At 8… no. My eldest son had been in cubs and scouts and attended a residential at this age (he was reluctant and regrettably, I made him). He had a dreadful time, he was homesick, he didn’t sleep well and was generally very upset by the whole experience for weeks afterwards. It was a long time before he agreed to go anywhere else overnight and I wish I’d listened to him at the time. It essentially ruined his enjoyment of scouts thereafter and he didn’t stay for much longer.

My DS is 8 and has only ever slept at grandma's house, there is no way in hell I'd ever force him to sleep anywhere he wasn't 100% comfortable. Shame on you for wanting to make your child uncomfortable just for your own "gratification".

This sounds really good.

OP could even keep sleeping gear in the car if he changes his mind. But I think the option to go home would go a long way towards building confidence in these kinds of activities.

It's a dumb word but the point still stands.

I'd be massively worried about a kid that age not wanting to go adventuring or camping out.

Assuming there are no health issues in play, you can't give kids that age the soft option all the time.

Generations of kids survived going camping before mobile phones were around to call mummy and daddy for a pick up. I'm sure OPs kid will manage one weekend; hopefully it'll do them some good.

Why? Likes and dislikes are a spectrum. Some like outdoors some don’t, some like dancing some don’t some like football some don’t.

Cubs/Scouts is amazing for some and others just don’t get it. People are all unique and different.

Yes he would survive he has before - the question is should he have to just so his parents get some alone time. And make it harder for everyone else around them

I've been a Cub leader for coming up to 9 years now.

There are always children who don't want to come on camp. Some its homesickness. Some don't like camping. Some aren't ready. Some the parents aren't ready.

Its perfectly OK for an 8yo to not want to be out "adventuring".

As you slip DS some money, sweets, toys etc play the Camp Granada song in the background 🤞

No, I wouldn’t make him go and no he won’t become a ‘snowflake’. He just isn’t ready yet.

My DD was very anxious about staying away from us and a bad experience involving a drunk mum at her first sleepover made it much worse. She refused to go on PGL and I didn’t make her.

Shes now 12 and has spent the last year sleeping over at any of her friends houses as often as she can lol.

Agreed. I understand how hard parenting is with little to no support but this is not the way to get your break. He’s vocalised that he’s scared and doesn’t want to do it. I don’t understand how you could enjoy your child free time knowing your son had a bad experience the last time. You will just teach him that his feelings aren’t as important as your own time and that’s not remotely fair on him. In the not too distant future he will be grown enough to be less dependent on you. I’m not trying to be condescending here but this is literally being a parent and it’s rubbish but that’s just life sadly. Don’t dismiss your son’s fears for your own gain it’s awful and it’s selfish.

How pathetic - you’d be ‘massively worried’?! Lots of 8 year olds (probably most) aren’t ready to go away from home.

This. It’s selfish in the extreme.

I’m a Brownies leader and we do two-night camps for the girls (who are 7-about to turn 10). There’s a real mix sometimes, we do sometimes get a bit of homesickness but we’ve never had a girl go home because of it, we’ve always dealt with it there and they’ve then wanted to continue to stay. I agree with PPs that you could look at him going for day with the option of being picked up (he might get to near bedtime and not want to go home!) and speak to the leaders, who are probably very experienced with dealing with homesickness at camp. It’s not unusual, but I know from my Brownies that they feel super proud of themselves and accomplished after they complete a camp.

Agree

I’ll add too that Brownies camp now are totally different to when I was a kid. They are very girl-led, no one is forced to take part in activities they don’t want to, if they’re upset they are comforted (a lot of leaders are mums themselves and pretty good at dealing with upset kids), there is downtime, quiet space for those who need, girls pick their meals from a menu before going so no one is eating stuff they don’t like, etc. It’s not stiff upper lip, kids forced to abseil down mountains, max discipline stuff. At the last camp, two girls got homesick on night two and I took them away for some snacks and a chat and we looked at some silly cat videos and listened to some music to cheer them up until they felt like they wanted to join back in with the games.

I can’t speak for Scouts but I’d be surprised if they didn’t run similarly, but the leaders should be open to a discussion about it and how they handle upset or nervous kids.

Of course if he’s really against going I wouldn’t force it, but I’d explore what is worrying him and see if you can find solutions to it first.

Massively worried? Can you not appreciate that people are different? Maybe he doesn’t think it would be fun. Maybe he doesn’t feel comfortable with the kids or the helpers. Maybe he feels uneasy if it’s his first time.

Some kids love reading, others don’t. Some kids love gaming, others don’t. Some kids love dancing, others don’t. Some kids love sleepovers, others don’t. Why are you so shocked that a kid might not want to go camping?!

Rather than call people snowflakes for having different tastes, why don’t you open your mind up to the fact that people are different and that’s a good thing.

Try to encourage him, for his sake, not yours. He might have a great time. It would be a shame to miss out.

However, if he really doesn't want to go, your home is his home too. It should always be his place of safety. He should ALWAYS be welcome.

Is he actually just scared of the dark and night or is it the outdoor activities. I am not an outdoor activity kind of person. Happily went on school orchestra tours, sleepovers but the PGL holiday was just not me, those activities were not for me!

As a Beavers and Cubs leader - please don’t do this. If he doesn’t want to go, that should be that. We have an overnight tonight and I’m looking at the attendee list wondering if some of the parents even know their own children because we know those children are going to be miserable the entire time. They don’t want to be there and have been packed away for the night so their parents get a break. It’s selfish when they’re still this young.

I know this almost certainly isn't what is going on here, and it's just a young child who doesn't like camping/the dark without their family.

But.... A combination of my brother's cub leader later getting convicted of CSA offences, and my own work in safeguarding, means there is no way I would insist on a child going to a camp if they were reluctant.

And that's not to derogate or taint all the amazing volunteers out there (I am a volunteer myself) but really I find it astonishing a parent wouldnt respect their child's wishes in this situation

I went all over with the brownies and guides, went on an international jamboree with Americans and Canadians, had the best time. Is it far away where you could go get him if he really wasn’t happy? IE don’t tell him that but tell his leaders? If he’s really overly worried then I’d maybe not force it but it would usually be so good for kids to experience these trips for life skills etc

I would encourage, if this is fruitless talk to him about what he is worried about or if he cannot explain to draw a picture.

If you force him he could enjoy it, but more likely become more introverted, anxious and possibly distrust you.
could you organise a little campfire / overnight sleepover in a tent in your garden, maybe add some nightlights and a new magic blanket (I find saying something could be magical helps when young, 8-9 not sure but worth a go).

yes of course if he loves the cubs camp it will be magical, but I think help before hand is key.

If he is really against it personally I wouldn’t but up to you, if he is a real no how about a sleepover at a friends or family if you need a night out. It’s about what is best for them imo.