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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think if your child ends up violent or criminal, it is partly your fault?

216 replies

TheTaupeMoose · 15/04/2025 21:48

Parenting does matter, sorry.

OP posts:
GraySILK · 16/04/2025 19:40

Part nature part nurture. We all have our own personalities that are innate but I definitely think parenting or lack of has a lot to answer for.

BobbyBiscuits · 16/04/2025 19:40

It depends really. Some people are having deeply disturbing personality disorders or are paedos or really violent while their families were loving, kind and decent.

But if I did have a kid who did something awful I'd feel massively guilty and desperate to try and think what I should've done different to make them not like that.

2chocolateoranges · 16/04/2025 21:23

unmp · 16/04/2025 11:56

It’s virtually impossible to treat two individuals ‘exactly the same’ as much as we would like to believe this.

Everyone holds a level of subconscious bias, whether this is a parent finding one child easier to manage due to personality etc and so responding to them slightly differently etc

As I mentioned in my post, children as individuals will also respond to the same stimuli or situation differently depending on resilience etc

Your mother working 3 jobs may have made her somewhat absent from yours and your siblings day to day life for example, you may have coped with this and understood your mum’s need to work and it may have fostered a great work ethic etc in you particularly if you have a good relationship with her, whilst a sibling may have felt slightly neglected by the absence, saw it as an opportunity to go out more, get into more trouble, resolve to be a SAHM themselves or chronically unemployed feeling that they didn’t benefit from your mum’s efforts in the way they felt the should have etc so chose a different path-again same parenting different outcome

As parents we need to be more attuned to our children as individuals, and adapt accordingly eg same situation described above for me as a working parent of 2 kids. When I get home, child 1, seems ok, I prompt conversation re their day, try to engage them in doing something together etc, he seems less interested possibly due to his teenage age, 2nd child is proximity seeking and wants a 20min catch up of my undivided time where we both talk about our days etc have a cuddle etc till he wander’s off somewhere

As a parent, my job is not to think ahhh well I offered same to both boys and only one took up the offer, but to find another way to connect with child 1, understanding that he often wants to chat just before he goes to sleep, will mention something in passing that I have to pick up on or create other opportunities for connection, working that bit harder as they are both different.

We all speak about different love languages etc, I just feel that when a child commits a serious crime a need was not met, this could even be discipline, emotional support etc bearing in mind that adolescents will take risks etc, but we were all teens at some point so why will 1 become a criminal and 1 not?

Show quote history

Well I just hope that both your children grow up to be law abiding citizen causing no harm to anyone else because you seem to have perfected that parenting malarkey to a Tee.

unfortunately some other have many adverse childhood experiences thrown into the mix that is outwith their control.

unmp · 16/04/2025 21:27

By God’s grace they will 🙏, not trying to come across as smug or ‘know it all’, just sharing my own experience, and like someone else posted, myself and siblings view our childhoods quite differently in various ways though we were raised together

2chocolateoranges · 16/04/2025 21:40

unmp · 16/04/2025 21:27

By God’s grace they will 🙏, not trying to come across as smug or ‘know it all’, just sharing my own experience, and like someone else posted, myself and siblings view our childhoods quite differently in various ways though we were raised together

Oh my sibling views their childhood differently but they also view every relationship they have with all family members differently too as they like to play the victim. Thankfully family have got wise to their manipulation.

I just know my mum did the best she could which was bloody amazing considering the circumstances surrounding my father’s death.

my sibling has a problem with everyone in life!

SVRT19674 · 16/04/2025 21:52

Barbadossunset · 15/04/2025 22:00

thorneyislanddoris · Today 21:56
It’s always the parents fault

If it’s the parents’ fault that a child grows up to be a violent criminal, then are parents also responsible if a child grows up to be a well-adjusted, high achiever?
If there’s a family of three children and one is a criminal but the other are law-abiding and hard working, then are the parents to be blamed for the criminal but praised for the two which are productive members of society?

This is the exact family situation of a friend of mine. He and his younger brother are really nice guys who are a credit to their parents. These same parents should be flogged apparently as their eldest son is a wife beater, a drug dealer and spends large chunks of time in prison. Ffffff

Kendodd · 16/04/2025 22:07

I think you're getting a bit of a hard time on here OP. I think parenting does sometimes play a part, parenting, and wider community, play a big part in both good and bad outcomes for children.

In the area I grew up in there are definitely some 'crime families' with generations of criminals. I don't think it's entirely coincidental when grandad is a violent criminal, dad is a violent criminal and son is a violent criminal.
And of course this doesn't mean if your kid turns bad, it's always your fault. I've heard the parents of the Southport killer were really lovely, kind people.

OtterInABlueTie · 17/04/2025 00:19

@Kendodd yeah I feel for the parents of the Southport killer. Not only did they have to leave their country due to persecution, but they did try to seek help for their son who displayed some difficult and erratic behaviour at a young age. It must break their hearts.

Sworkmum · 17/04/2025 08:22

@DucklingSwimmingInstructress

it is just a common feature. I think for the teenagers it fits into forming their identity (for example a lot of teen boys without fathers) which controversial I know I’m not saying the single mothers in those situations doing a poor job, or that they need their dad, but a positive male role model, for males is important and can’t be ignored.

but also loss of parents through death or substance use, or through being in care. Even loss of a grandparent or family pet is common.

I believe teenagers or children have the emotional maturity to manage loss/death and as a society we don’t do much to acknowledge it either. It’s sort of swept under the rug, but the feelings and emotions it generates remain and have to be channelled somewhere. For some kids that might be mental health, for others it might be crime. It’s just a common feature in nearly all people I work with.

Sharptonguedwoman · 17/04/2025 09:07

Barbadossunset · 15/04/2025 22:00

thorneyislanddoris · Today 21:56
It’s always the parents fault

If it’s the parents’ fault that a child grows up to be a violent criminal, then are parents also responsible if a child grows up to be a well-adjusted, high achiever?
If there’s a family of three children and one is a criminal but the other are law-abiding and hard working, then are the parents to be blamed for the criminal but praised for the two which are productive members of society?

I know that family!

Smallmercies · 17/04/2025 09:11

TheTaupeMoose · 15/04/2025 21:56

I’m not claiming to know every situation - of course there are exceptions and life is complex. But I do think it’s fair to say that parenting does play a significant role in shaping behaviour, boundaries, and emotional regulation. It’s not about blaming parents for everything, it’s about acknowledging that the home environment and how children are raised can have a long-term impact, especially when it comes to things like violence or criminal choices. That doesn’t mean it’s only the parent’s fault but saying they have no influence? That feels just as unreasonable.

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No shit, Sherlock! ☺️🙌

Sharptonguedwoman · 17/04/2025 09:13

TheHerboriste · 16/04/2025 16:43

I agree, and believe there should be more accountability. Perhaps if parents of criminals were fined or had their pensions docked to repay society, people would be more careful about reproducing and more attentive as parents.

Show quote history

Oh, good grief. As if old fashioned shame was not enough. Careful not to fall over your halo.

Barbadossunset · 18/04/2025 08:23

We all speak about different love languages etc, I just feel that when a child commits a serious crime a need was not met, this could even be discipline, emotional support etc bearing in mind that adolescents will take risks etc, but we were all teens at some point so why will 1 become a criminal and 1 not

@unmp if parents are responsible for children committing crimes, then what about the other side of the coin:
If a child grows up and performs acts of heroism or courage - maybe saves someone’s life - or does good in the world as a doctor, then is that a result of parenting?

unmp · 18/04/2025 08:55

Barbadossunset · 18/04/2025 08:23

We all speak about different love languages etc, I just feel that when a child commits a serious crime a need was not met, this could even be discipline, emotional support etc bearing in mind that adolescents will take risks etc, but we were all teens at some point so why will 1 become a criminal and 1 not

@unmp if parents are responsible for children committing crimes, then what about the other side of the coin:
If a child grows up and performs acts of heroism or courage - maybe saves someone’s life - or does good in the world as a doctor, then is that a result of parenting?

I think it is yes, I don’t think there is anything wrong in a parent taking some pride in how their children turned out.

Getting a child through school and even university or into work takes parental effort, sacrifice and work

Seeing an adult daughter being a good mum, employee, boss or entrepreneur and modelling many of the good things she was taught-a parent can take pride

An adult son who becomes a diligent worker, disciplined, kind, a good husband or partner and father, that would make me proud also to have supported him through that stage-why can’t we take some pride as parents when our children turn out well?

Surprisedavailable81 · 04/11/2025 14:22

Do you have children OP?

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