To regret moving DP in to my house

[JadeySmiles]

After a challenging weekend I am really starting to think I’ve made a big mistake here 😫

Background - I have been with DP for c.1.5 years, brilliant relationship, get along with each others family and similar goals for the future etc.

He moved in with me at my suggestion a couple of months ago when the tenancy on his flat was up.

I’ve been subtly asking him to contribute to more of the household chores without much uptake and this weekend I was a bit more direct in asking him to do certain things.

His response to me asking him to clean the bathroom was to blankly stare at me and say ‘I am male’. We saw friends on Sunday afternoon (another couple) and he said to my friends DH something along the lines of ‘yeah, she asked me to clean the bathroom yesterday. Not our job is it!’ and burst out laughing.

He has made what I thought were light hearted comments in the past about me being in the kitchen and that being my natural habit which I laughed off but in light of what he has said, I wonder if he was joking!

He has some annoying habit, 2 or 3 times he has made a mess of the toilet and not used the brush, leaving me to clean it up. His response is to laugh and say that I will need to get used to living with a man.

Is this really normal?! I feel I’ve potentially ruined our relationship by moving him in too early..

Time for a serious talk. Tell him you moved him 👿 n because you thought he was a grown up but you are starting to realise he hasn't yet launched so you are giving him notice to get our and there will be no moving back in until he has grown up ( and then for avoidance of doubt Tel him this means not only cleaning his fair share but doing it without you having to ask, no sexist comments to his mates and that you expect this forever and not just for a few days to shut you up and then reverting back to his old ways. Even if he promises to change kick him out and keep him out until he has shown you for a good 6 months that he keeps his side of the bargain when staying over etc.

OP, he’s told you loud and clear who he is.
If he changes it will be for a short time only until he feels he has you… for example when he’s on the mortgage and/ it you’re pregnant.
It will be messy and expensive for you to leave then and he’ll go back to being his true self.

Been there, done it ( as have many MNters) Take the warning and get rid of him. You deserve better.

My partner is the same, sadly. Messy and lazy beyond belief. She uses the excuse that we have kids and we don’t need to live in a show home but she just leaves junk lying around. She lives like a student so I’m constantly moving and tidying and cleaning.

my point being, it doesn’t change and it won’t get better. You can either accept it and get on with it or boot him out and save yourself the stress and indignity of your partner taking advantage of you and openly mocking you.

@JadeySmiles you’ve had lots of great advice here. The bottom line this man is the typical modern misogynist. Doesn’t believe in tradition when it comes to being the main breadwinner but mysteriously wants to revert to traditional roles when it comes to cleaning etc . Literally one of the worst types of men IMO. I avoid men like this like the plague.

The suggestion that because he arrogantly laughed and said “I'm a male” in response to being asked to clean the barroom is a sign of being “on the spectrum” is absurd.

His claim that he didn’t know how to do it is ridiculous too. He’s Gen Z, if he genuinely felt unsure about how to go about it he could’ve watched a youtube or Tik Tok cleaning video.

But I am sure he could’ve worked it out himself.

I mean I’ve never had a car so I’ve never had to clean the inside of one, but of course I could figure out how to give it a clean if I suddenly started Sharing a car with my partner.

this thread is going to fill up soon please start another one once you’ve spoken to him!

This is starting to feel like that thread with the boyfriend who went to Blackpool with his football team.
Not as extreme, but a young woman in her 30’s, lovely home, head in the sand.

It’s going towards his savings pot for if/when he comes on the Mortgage so I don’t have any issues there and it’s how a friend did it with her boyfriend which worked well x

Well, that's nice for him. Not so great for you if you split up though!

Was your friend's boyfriend a lazy, misogynistic man-child who left shitty toilets for her to clean, refused to clean the bathroom and claimed he was the breadwinner despite her paying the mortgage?

So if you were to break up - he walks away with huge savings while you have subsidised his living costs?

I am Male 🤣🤣

That will be a nice little free nest egg for him when he decides you're too uppity for him, with your delusions of being a human being worthy of respect.

I agree with him it's your job - clear him out!

Makes you realise how women aren't that many years removed from not being able to own property, and how it still isn't a given that we will be able to hold onto it - when arseholes like this can so easily get their claws in. He's not even having to try!

And here we see the Cock Lodger in his natural habitat...

The over whelming advice on here op from those of us who have lived with this previously and have spotted the red flags waving furiously and you still bury your head. Hoping you start a new thread (as this one ends at 1000 comments). I do hope you move forward cautiously with this before he gets his feet any further under the table.

😘

Exactly!

He’s fucking taking over her life with barely any effort at all! And she’s letting the hijacking happen because…??? It’s truly baffling.

You’re not listening to any of it, are you? I can almost see you with your fingers in your ears, concentrating on your dream of living happily ever after, while trying not to hear all of us old bags who have known this man in a million different forms. And I’m not judging you for it. I have made mistakes that every single person in my life could see coming except me. But you’re going to feel pretty sick in five years time, when you’re a single parent, living in rented accommodation because you’ve had to give him half your house and he’s playing Disney dad when he can be bothered to turn up, and you think back to all the warnings you had.

This is not a good man. I know he seems like a good man. But that’s what shit men do. They pretend to be a good man. Maybe a bit helpless, but nothing that the love of a good woman couldn’t cure. And then when you let your guard down and start believing the lie that they’ve sold you, they gradually start to show themselves. He can’t even prioritise an important conversation with you over watching football with his mates down the pub. It might not be important to him, but he knows it’s important to you. And he doesn’t care. And this is while he’s still on his best behaviour and trying to impress you. What’s he going to be like when he’s on the mortgage and you can’t just ask him to leave?

Please don’t think about having babies with this man. He’s still a baby himself; maybe cute but messy and utterly self absorbed.

And if I had a house to bet, I’d be willing to bet that in a year’s time, when you ask him how his savings are coming along for the equity, he tells you that he hasn’t been able to save that much because he’s done the odd shop, or he’s contributed by mowing the lawn, or he’s painted a ceiling or put up a shelf and why should he have to match your equity when he’s raised the value of the house, but if you put him on the mortgage now, he’ll try harder to save. In the meantime, he’s got his eye on a nice car and he’ll let you come out in it with him, so you’ll benefit from it too.

No woman is travelling to clean her adult, late 20’s, son’s bathroom because she “just misses looking after him”

He has relied on women’s servitude his entire life and expects it going forward. I could not have sex with a man like this. To even joke that it’s not their job, and not once but twice. No. I’d tell him to move back out into his own place until he learns how to be not only a real partner but a better man.

Cant even have the basic respect for his own mother to have her visit to a clean home for his actual company. Imagine having her clean his shitty toilet for him all these years. That’s so beyond the pale I genuinely don’t know how you can continue living with him.

Are you good for washing his pants? Cooking his food? Change the narrative but really you need to change your boyfriend. Time alone and to grow would help.

And if I had a house to bet, I’d be willing to bet that in a year’s time, when you ask him how his savings are coming along for the equity, he tells you that he hasn’t been able to save that much because he’s done the odd shop, or he’s contributed by mowing the lawn, or he’s painted a ceiling or put up a shelf and why should he have to match your equity when he’s raised the value of the house, but if you put him on the mortgage now, he’ll try harder to save. In the meantime, he’s got his eye on a nice car and he’ll let you come out in it with him, so you’ll benefit from it too.

Yes-all of this!

This too. And she’s probably in her late 50s now, not saying that’s old but it’s a bit sad a young presumably fit able bodied man in his late 20s is leaving such a simple yet quite physical task to his mum.

I could understand if she chose to pop around with a cake or a casserole every week as a result of her missing taking care of him, but her coming to clean is clearly because her (and his father) raised an incompetent chauvinist and she knows it.

He said his Dad was the main bread winner and he thought because he pays for full shops sometimes, our set up mirrored this

And how did you not laugh in his face when he claimed to be the bread winner because he’d paid for some groceries? That’s hysterical. If that isn’t your clue that you’ll go through life together with you doing all the donkey work, while he puts in the bare minimum but takes all the credit, then I don’t know what else to say to you other than good luck.

@eastegg are you joking? It's several different factors. Do you genuinely think OP should put up with this and be trampled over?

The man contributes nothing and expects his mother to rock up weekly to clean his flat just because “she loves and misses him”

This is not a good man. He wasn’t joking, he genuinely believes women should be looking after him and he shouldn’t have to do these things. I feel fucking terrible for his mum. That poor woman. He needs to wake up and apologise to her. There’s absolutely zero respect and a clear expectation.

Yep, my dh could have dropped his laundry into his parents place like his siblings did when he moved out with me. I was like not in this relationship. If you can’t do your own then you’re not ready to move in with me.

Ha, ha, ha.

That's the lump sum he'll use to buy flash cars/designer clothes you'll be washing for him because he 'doesn't know how and is embarrassed to ask'/ new phones/ hotel rooms with the younger sidepiece who he'll tell that you're just a older friend that he's helping out with the rent, it's quite tragic really, as you've got it into your head somehow that you're a couple when there's nothing like that going on at all - and then use that fuckton of cash he's accumulated to impress the woman he actually wants to settle down with.

You won't see a penny of it.

He might be fit and pretty, but presumably you're looking for a life partner, not short term rental of breeding stock to make attractive babies?